(Note to webmaster ZRC: Unfortunately, I wasn't able to send you my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED column this week because of an urgent matter I had to tend to involving Canadian tax officials. By the way, did you know you're not allowed to fib about your yearly income anymore -- in Canada at least? News to me. Anyways, I did manage to dig up a Really Old Version of ITR from my parent's basement. Enjoy!!!)
Originally published March 10, 1987
"Whatcha gonna do, when Hulk-O-Mania gets all over you?" –- WWF Champion Hal Kogan
Welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, known to many as the world's biggest Duran Duran fan (I LOVE YOU, SIMON!), and we've got tons to get to this week. But first, a quick trivia question:
What's the deal with Dangerous Dan E. Davis?
(A) He's cheating on behalf of The Hurt Foundation (B) He's just misunderstood (C) He's legally blind, just like Gorilla Manson always suggests (D) He's the best referee EVER (E) If he doesn't shut his mouth, Tito Montana will shut it for him!!!
Answer at the end of this column!!!
From the 'did you know?' file: The person who makes all the decisions for the WFF is NOT actually Jack Tulley, it's really Superstars of Wrestling announcer Vince MacMahon!!! Really. I kid you not. Turns out he's actually the brains behind the Federation and its parent company Trojan Sports.
I found out that juicy tidbit in the latest issue of Wrestling Eye (Cover story: Randy Savage – "Steamboat Is Dead Meat! Ohhhh Yeah!"), and when was the last time that George Napatalino lied to us?
What could be better than Wrestle Mania 2? How about… Wrestle Mania THREE!!! That's right; the WWWF will do it again this year, featuring The Hulkstor and Andrew The Giant in the main event!!! On paper, this has the makings of becoming the best match EVER!!!
Plus there's more. MUCH more!!! Rod Roddy Piper will face the host of The Flower Show Arrogant Adrian in a loser-must-retire match!!! International Champion Randy Mucho Man Sewage will take on Some Guy!!! Plus, you're pretty much guaranteed to see A-Team star Mister Tee in a prominent role. I can't wait till the big event, so I can go to a crowded arena and pay $20 to watch it on a TV screen!!!
When was the last time you saw Girl's Wrestling in any of the major federations? Long gone are the glory days of Cyndi Richter and Velvet MacIntosh fighting for the prestigious pink belt. From where I sit (in my rec room, sitting on my G.I. Joe bean bag), The Marvelous Moolah will probably have an easy time defending her title.
Anybody out there watching that NWA crap?
In case you didn't see it, I taped last Saturday's edition of Hulk Hogan's Rock and Roll and Wrestling on my Betamax. I've done something of a recap for you all to enjoy:
The BulldoG Rant for Rock and Roll and Wrestling
- Live from Channel 8. - Your host is Mean Jean. - Opening episode: Rod Roddy Piper and The Iran Sheik attempt to fix a go-cart race so all the bad guys will win. Captain Lou Albino eats a big sandwich. Superfreak Jimminy Snuka jumps off a building. Andrew The Giant is too big to fit in his go-cart. Hulkstor saves the day. ***. Perfectly Acceptable Cartooning. - Backstage, Mean Jean is asking Master Fuji about how to make Chinese Food. DUD. - Second episode: Hillbilly John and his pig go back to their grandmother's farm. Nickelai Volkov tries to sabotage the crops. Captain Lou Albino eats a big sandwich. Junkyard Doug builds a tractor out of garbage. Andrew The Giant is too big to fit in the barn. Hulkstor saves the day. **1/2. - Backstage, Andrew The Giant tells Mean Jean why he's too big to fit in a phone booth. It was there. *. - Final episode: Hulkstor and his friends travel to outer space. Captain Lou Albino eats a sandwich made of moon cheese. Big Jack Studd tries to sic aliens on the good guys. Junkyard Doug makes a space shuttle out of garbage. Hulkstor saves the day. *.
Bottom Line: While this was no Smurfs episode by any stretch of the imagination, there were at least some decent elements here. If you get it on tape, fast forward through the backstage sketches. Thumbs in the middle.
Out of all the TV shows they've cancelled this season, I still can't figure out why Joanie Does Chachi is gone from the lineup. Oh well, at least I still have Knight-Ridder.
A tip from the old Bulldog: Run, don't walk, to your local record store and pick up a copy of the new Jim E. Hart album. Although 'The Mouth In The South' may be a lousy manager, the guy sure has a lovely singing voice!!! I especially like the song where the guitar goes "duh duh – duh duh duh – duh duh – duh duh duh duh duhhhh". Quiet Riot, move over –- I think I have a new favorite LP!!!
Who's the most shrewd manager in the business? None other than The Doctor of Style Slik!!! With a stable that includes The Iranian Shiek, Mighty Hercules and others, is there any wonder no one can stop him?
Where in the world has Danny Spyvee gone? I haven't seen him on Wrestling Challenge for some time now. Everyone knows it was `The Golden Boy' who carried The American Express.
Food for thought: Gorilla always says that 'any given superstar can be beaten on every given day.' If that's the case, why hasn't S.D. 'Express Overnight Delivery' James ever managed to pull out a 'W' in the win column? How about Ironman Mike Sharp? Or Terry Gibb?
Speaking of which (food), have any of you guys tried the new WFF Ice Cream Bars? For some reason, I keep getting stuck with the Koko Beware one… I'm going to tell my local drug store that they need to keep more King Bundy bars in stock. Still, best ice cream-related product EVER!!!
Why couldn't E.T. The Extra-Special Terrestrial phone home using a regular telephone?
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk to WWWWF announcer Jerry 'The Body' Ventura. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not be reprinted anywhere, unless you photocopy the piece of paper I wrote this on:
CB: Is this Jerry Ventura? JV: (Laughs) Actually, my name is Jesse. Who's this? CB: I'm Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes. I wanted to do an EXCLUSIVE JAM-PACKED interview with you. JV: Sure thing, kid. Shoot. CB: Question number one: Don't you want to get out of this stupid fake wrestling business? JV: Hmmm, I'm not crazy about the way you phrased that… but you have a good point. Actually, one day I'd like to run for… CB's Dad: (Picks up other extension) What are you doing on the phone? CB: Dad… I'm doing an interview! CB's Dad: You'll have to call your little friend back. I'm waiting for a phone call from your uncle to see if he got the high score on Pac-Man. CB: But dad… CB's Dad: No buts! Get off the phone, son. JV: Actually, sir, I was just about to tell your son that… CB's Dad: SHUT UP! GET THE HELL OFF MY PHONE, VALLEY GIRL!!! JV: (Hangs up).
I'll have more on this situation as it progresses. Oh, and for your information, my uncle didn't win Pack-Man, but he did get over one million points on Monkey Kong.
Finally, it's time for me to answer your questions in my patented Question & Answer column (patent pending). Remember, if you have a question you want me to answer, sent it to me via an electronic form of mail that hasn't been invented yet!!!
Q: What do you think of Ric Flair? A: That old guy that always gets on the cover of PWI? He's nothing! NOTHING!!! Who cares about him and his redneck, WWWF wannabe wrestling federation? Let's put it this way: In, say, 16 years and seven months from now, do you think HE'LL still be on a wrestling show? I somehow doubt it!!!
Q: Why did Pedro Morales leave the WWF? A: Thanks for the compliment. If I remember correctly, he was I-C Champion at the time, and he was going to jump ship because Bruno Santamartina didn't want to work a program with him. So he threatened not to drop the title to China unless he was paid a big cash bonus by MacMahon.
Q: Now that the Rock and Wrestling Connection is pretty much dead, what do you think about… Rap and Wrestling? A: That's a good point, but it's completely wrong because you're a stupid jerk. First of all, Rock and Wrestling will never die -- bank on it!!! Thirdly, rap music is just a fad, and before you know it, so-called "bands" like RUN DMV and The Beastiality Boys will be things of the past.
Q: Why are The Killer Bees allowed to use masks? Shouldn't that be illegal? A: Illegal is a sick bird, according to Bobby The Brian. Anyways… the only reason Jumping John Brunzelle and Bee Blair Brian are allowed to use the masks, is because sometimes they accidentally fall under the ring apron, and the masks help them see. Thanks for the compliment!!!
That's about it for this week. I'll be back soon, with lots more news, rumors and gossip. Remember, if you heard it here first – well, why are you reading this? It's just written on a piece of paper I keep in my parent's basement – it's… Inside The Ropes.
The read scoop behind the Triple HHH - Stephoney Hearst-Helmsley wedding and an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with Road Warrior Aminal!!! All this plus an exclusive moves guide for Smack! Down Bring The Pain in the latest Inside The Ropes!!!
Originally posted by CANADIAN BULLDOGQ: What do you think of Ric Flair? A: That old guy that always gets on the cover of PWI? He's nothing! NOTHING!!! Who cares about him and his redneck, WWWF wannabe wrestling federation? Let's put it this way: In, say, 16 years and seven months from now, do you think HE'LL still be on a wrestling show? I somehow doubt it!!!
So Wrestlemania III was 16 years and 7 months ago... Jeebus, thanks for making me feel old.