"I used to be so hot, you could see me smoke. But look at me now -- I'm just a juckin' foke. World Life!" -- Jim Cena, 2005.
Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and DECIDEDLY MEDIOCRE edition of Inside The Ropes, and whether you love it or you hate it, you better get used to it, because I'm the best thing going today. Wooooo! I'm Canadian Bulldog, owner of the hippest T-Shirt in the land today, yo.
We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:
Who will become the next Smack!Down General Manager? (A) Who cares? (B) No, seriously. Who cares? (C) I really, REALLY don't care. (D) What's Smack! Down? (E) Yes.
Be sure to register your vote at the official ITR website. And here are the results of my most recent poll:
Which Event Definitely Will Or Won't Happen In 2005? (A) New ECW Goes Bankrupt - 5 % (B) Brock Lesnor Wins A Super Bowl - 27 % (C) World Champion SHNITSKY - 16 % (D) Something With The MacMahon Family - 27 % (E) Yes - 22 %
And now, onto the news:
Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first; the good folks at the National Mental Health Association have cornered the market there), but I have a funny feeling that trouble may be brewing between Revolution co-owners Deacon Bautista and Triple HHH!!!
You can't see it on the surface, but if you've been around the business as long as I have, you can just sense that something's up. What's the underlying issue here between the sexy young Native Americans? I have no idea. But remember where you heard it first: Bautista and The Criminal Assassin will "lock horns" in advance of the Wrestel Mania XXX1 PPV spectacular.
Remember The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor? Neither do I, but apparently he's suing World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC for approximately $75 zillion, plus damages… in a court of law, no less!!!
According to prominent legal sources, Lesnor is suing his former employer because they FORCED him into a career in professional football, and then when he didn't make the final cut for the XFL (he was trying out for The Arizona Assaulters), they wouldn't let him back into wrestling.
Brock is arguing in court that WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon won't allow him to pursue his dream career of being a National Hockey League player, and with no money left, he's had to find a job as salesman at a Casio Keyboard Store in New Jersey. But for some reason, the other employees get all upset whenever he brags about his Lear Jet. And the manager doesn't like it whenever he gets F-5'ed for telling Brock to get back to work!!!
In any event, here's hoping for a speedy resolution between the two parties that will bleed WWE dry so that they'll never be able to present wrestling ever again.
You may have noticed that young legend Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! has been experiencing concussions lately. What you DON'T know is where this innovative angle is headed.
Wedding Bells: A hearty "Mazel Tov" to WWE Undisputed Other World Champion Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld and Some Ugly Banker Chick, who got married in New York last week. According to the society pages of the New York Times, it was said to be a lovely affair: Secretary of State Orlando Hudson was the best man, and he forgot the ring because he was too busy grinning like an idiot!!! And then The Bash 'Em Brothers were ring bearers and they drove the limousine with steer horns on it right into Bautista!!! And the bride wore a lovely white Nazi bridal gown!!! And instead of heterosexual male wrestlers, JLB attacked a female stripper in the locker room shower during his bachelor party!!! And it was the best wedding ever!!!
Speaking of useless women: One of the Smack! Down divas that has to be upset about this development is Amy Webburn, whoever the hell she is. Anyways, she quit the company. I think.
Speaking of useless women: One diva who's not going anywhere unless she gets a better job offer is Raw diva Candace Cameron, who posed NUDE for a commercial during the recent half-time show of Superball XXXXXXIXXXXXXXXXIXXXXXIX.
Speaking of useless women: Not one to be overshadowed by Candice's Ridiculous Publicity, Raw $25 million Diva Hunt Winner Kristy Hemmey will be posing NAKED IN THE NUDE WEARING NOTHING BUT HER SMILE AND POSSIBLY SOME SLUTTY MAKEUP in next month's edition of Penthouse Magazine. Which I totally just read for the articles, assuming they have any. Either way you slice it - YOWSA!!!
Unless you are the biggest idiot on the face of the earth or Randy Orton, you know that we are just six weeks away from Smack! Down's Norway Out paper-view spectacular. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview:
Main Event Barbed Wire Hell In The Cage Match Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld Vs. The Best Show
There is no conceivable way that JLB will make it out of this cage match ALIVE, let alone escape with his precious WWE Undisputed Other World Title. So look for everyone's favorite Texas bigot to win this one handily.
Main Event Spinning U.S. Title Match Kur Tangle Vs. Jim Cena
One of those men will go to WrestelMania XXX1 as the number one contender. The other will probably retire from the business forever, never to be seen again. BANK ON IT!!!
Main Event Random Tag Team Title Match Two Random Guys Vs. The Bash 'Em Brothers
Look for the team of to come out on top.
Main Event Regular Plain, Old Match Bookie T Vs. Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera
These two used to be best friends in real life because they're both stereotypes, but that's not the case anymore!!! (Well, they're not friends anymore). Expect Eddie to lie, cheat, pilfer, steal, embezzle and murder his way to a hard-fought victory!!!
"I respect you, bookerman" Match The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To Vs. Lucifer Rains
The way I figure it, Ordertaker is about due for a loss…
And that's the entire card, folks! They're not even going to a match on Heat because they know their product sucks! As GimmickMan is fond of saying, "Should be a good one!"
Two weeks ago, you'll recall I SHOCKED THE WORLD with an innovative series of new WrestelMania XXX1 Hollywood-style promotional commercials. When I started these, no one was doing them, not even WWE!!!
Because you all liked them so much (Well, I'm assuming you liked them. I'm just saying… you'd never know it from the lack of feedback I get every week. Suuuuure, it's no problem for you out-of-shape, moronic, cross-dressing losers to lavish Matt Horking with oodles of praise each week, but what do I get? Squat, that's what! But do I care? HELL NO! Go praise everyone else -- the webmaster, that columnist guy, the janitor -- all you want! At the end of the day, see if you still have The Canadian Bulldog to kick around! All of you, go fuck yourselves, and get a life!!! SCREW YOU ALL!!!)
(Note from Webmaster ZRC: Folks, please just ignore Bulldog. Trust me, he's used to it by now. Also, I'm told that the good people at the National Mental Health Association have the situation well at hand.)
Anyways, here are some WM commercials. Enjoy…
The Showshank Redemption
Teddy Long: In 1966, when Paul Wight escaped from Showshank prison, all they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and a black singlet that barely fit him. I used to think it would take 600 years to tunnel under that wall, but old Paul did it in less than twenty. By chokeslamming the guards repeatedly until they let him out. B'lee dat, playa. Holla!
The Wizard Of Philly
Heyman: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!
Tazz: Paul, we know it's you behind there. And if you don't come out of that f*@#*$n' curtain with our paychecks, we'll…
Heyman: Who sent you here? The munchkins?
Tazz: Paul, you've seen ECW. We are the munchkins.
Heyman: That's not important right now. I know why you're here, to get a brain. Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, New York City, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. Or at least they don't work for ten years straight without getting paid for it. But they have one thing you haven't got: a diploma.
Tazz: This is off the hook, Cole!
Heyman: And Lance, you're here to get a heart…
Storm: Or a personality. Whatever.
Heyman: You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
Storm: I still want one. Otherwise, I'll be serious for a minute… forever!
Heyman: And Spike, you came to here to get courage, am I right?
Spike: No! I'm just trying to get this commercial back on track. So far, you haven't mentioned WrestleMania once, and…
Heyman: Well, never mind then! It's time to get Dorothy back home to Philly, so let's just…
Joey Styles: OH… MY… GOD!!! Dorothy has just been dropped through three tables, and shot with a staple gun to the head by New Jack! And now… she's making out with Beulah!!! You won't see this in the WWF, folks, and you sure as hell won't see it in WCW. This… is… extreme!!!
Booker T: Stop! Stop! Dawg, where did you go? You just took off after school. Do you know how worried I've been?
RVD: Dude, just chill out. Latino Man and I had a stoney time at the mountain, totally weasing the ju-uice.
Booker T: You took him to Mega Mountain, dawg? Are you crazy…… SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA?
Booker T: … And which character am I supposed to be again?
Alien Vs Predator Vs Kane Vs Undertaker (AVPVKVU)
JR: Bah gawd, King. This is the biggest slobberknocker I've ever seen. None of these guys are backing down!
King: Woo-hoo! Look at those puppies on Alien, JR!
JR: I mean, Predator just stabbed The Dead Man through his skull, and… it's having no effect!
King: Look, JR! Here comes Triple H.
Gone With The Wins
Miss Jackie: As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never wrestle again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill.
Eddie: Yo, yo, yo, esse!
Miss Jackie: Anyhoo… As God is my witness, I'll never be a wrestler again!
Charlie: Do you mean to tell me, Jackie Gayda, that WWE doesn't mean anything to you? Why, WWE is the only thing in the world worth workin' for, worth fightin' for, worth dyin' for, especially because it's the only company left.
Miss Jackie: Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Charlie: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Van Dam.
Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, or WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GIVE ME A COMPLIMENT ONCE IN A WHILE????, I can be reached at email@example.com. I'll even say "Thanks for the compliment!!!"; I swear. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
(Originally published November 14, 1995) Inside The Ropes - Fueled By Diesel Power!!! Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes, the hottest column here on America Online (keyword: bankonit).