"The fans will vote for Randy Orton. The fans will vote for Randy Orton. The fans will vote for Randy Orton. The fans will vote for Randy Orton. The fans will vote for Randy Orton. The fans will vote for Randy Orton. The fans…" –- WWE's subliminal advertising campaign, 2004.
Welcome to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog. No polls or anything this week. You have a problem with that – go screw yourselves. Onto the news…
Snitsky 3:16 says I just killed your baby: Now that the bun is no longer in the oven (metaphorically speaking, of course), The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain can focus his efforts… on REVENGE!!! According to sources familiar with the situation, Kain will face largish jobber Jean Schnistsky in a "Loser Must Get Leeta Pregnant" match at the next PPV!!! And when Kain wins, he's going to say to Leeta, "If you don't let me impregnate you again, I'm going to fucking kill you, bitch!" I don't get it -– what does she SEE in him?
If you like overpaying for mediocre paper-view events, then OCTOBER IS YOUR MONTH, PALLY!!! First, the Smack! Down brand will host Have Mercy, capped off by a match between The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To and Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld. The match will be held inside of a moving hearse, and if the car travels slower than 40 miles an hour, it will EXPLODE!!!
Then, the Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw brand presents Tattoo Thursday, which means that YOU, the fans, decide EVERYTHING!!! So if you want Triple HHH to job to Coach Man in under 30 seconds, you can vote for it!!! And if you want "Lund Killer" Randy Orson to defeat everyone on the Raw roster single-handedly – no problem!!! That was going to happen anyways!!! If you want Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho to shave his moustache and dye his hair orange – it's your call!!! And if you want Nature Guy Ricky Flare to retire already because he's starting to grow boobs, then you can vote for it!!! And if you want Molly Hardy to get a sex change so that she can become a different sex and have sex with wrestlers of the same sex – YOU CAN VOTE FOR IT!!!
And there's also the NWA T and A crap PPV called Victoria Road that takes place in October or November or December. Don't buy it!!!
Note to Olympic Hero Kur Tangle: No one out there buys for a minute that you "accidentally" shot lawn darts at The Best Show and then "accidentally" shaved his head. I mean, how stupid do you think we fans are?
Is Nature Guy Ricky Flare really as washed-up and pathetic as Lund Killer Randy Orson claims he is? BANK ON IT!!!
Shameless plug: Looking for a T-Shirt you can be PROUD of wearing around your pathetic little friends? Try this one on for size!!! Please.
Servin' Hard Time In Heaven: This week, a nation mourns the passing of Ray Trailer, better known as The Bad Boss Man, who died at the age of Something. For those of you too stupid dumb to remember him, here's a brief biography:
Trailer was born to a pair of prison guards in Cobb Country, Georgia (town motto: "You betta read the signs, respect the law and order"). He got his start in the so-called circled square as a bodyguard for Jim Coronet known as Bubba Ray Rogers. He wrestled for the NWA and all that crap.
Because of his fetish at the time for fat wrestlers, Vince MacMahon hired Trailer in 1988. Boss Man employed The Doctor of Style Silk as his manager and plowed through the competition such as Cocoa Beware and Gym Powers.
Shortly thereafter, Trailer targeted then-WFF Champion Hal Kogan by ambushing him on the set of The Dude Love Show and blinding him with his "Arrogance" perfume. Or, wait, was that Fashion Model Rick Mantel? Readers?
Anyhoo… I think he wrestled in some other territories for awhile, and probably won a title somewhere, before resurfacing in the WWF (now known as WWE) some time later. He became a key part of McMahon's stable of goons known as The Company for the rest of his career. Highlights included eating Al Shaw's dog with pepper on live television and sleeping with The Best Show's mother, which earned Show the name "Big Nasty Bastard". He also killed Show's father, I believe.
He will truly be missed.
Bad Boss Man, that is. Not Best Show's father. No one gives a shit about him.
Speaking of which… I recently caught up with Boss Man as he entered Wrestlers Heaven. What's Wrestlers Heaven, you ask? Well, stupid, it's just like the real heaven, except for the steel cage that surrounds it. Anyways, here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:
Announcer: "Now entering heaven, here is… Boss Man!"
Bad Boss Man: Hey, guys, how's it goin'? (He trips over a rope planted on the ground and falls flat on his face).All right, who was behind that? That you, Henning?
Kurt Henning: Hey, Boss Man! Naw, that wasn't me. Everyone around here is pinning the ribs on me – I only make the perfect ribs - but no one ever blames Davey Boy!
Davey B. Smith: (Giggles, tries to suppress laughter).
Bad Boss Man: So, what's there to do around here?
Kurt Henning: Well, don't bother trying to get into the gym, 'cause Road Warrior Hog, Ricky Rude and Heracles Hernandez monopolize it all the time.
Bad Boss Man: Can I continue enforcing law and order up here?
Davey B. Smith: You'd have to ask Bryan Pill Man; he's the sheriff around here.
Bad Boss Man: Huh? I don't get that one at all.
Bryan Pill Man: You don't *@#* around with me, you stupid mother@#!$#ng dumb @!!@hole. I'm the g*@#@!* law around here, and don't you @#*!)ng forget it!!!
Bad Boss Man: And, uh, who main events around here?
Kurt Henning: Andrew The Giant, obviously. Undefeated for the past 11 years. He even beat Bruiser Brady, Kerry Van Erich, The Renegade and Junk Yard Doug at our last PPV.
Bad Boss Man: You guys do pay-per-views here? How many people could possibly be watching them?
Adrian The Adonis: We still do better numbers than some of the WCW shows.
Classy "Freddie" Blassey: Shaddap, ya pencil neck geeks!
Superfly Jimminy Snooka: How's it going, brudda?
Bad Boss Man: Superfly? You're dead too?
Superfly Jimminy Snooka: Oops, Bulldog must be confusing me with someone else. Sorry, brudda. (Disappears)
"Big" Josh Stud: Whose turn is it to bathe Uncle Elmer tonight?
Canadian Bulldog: This dream sequence… IS OVER!!!
Now it's time for some
Letters From A Nut
By the way, I hope to have a HUGE, MEGA-EDITION of the LFAN series out at some point in the next few weeks. If you can think of any wrestlers for me to e-mail, send me a message at email@example.com.
Dear Rob Van Damme,
Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at a Denny's outside of Toronto about two years back. You were very accommodating in my request for an autograph.
Good news! A comic book is currently being created about... ME!!! Canadian Bulldog Issue # 1 ("Away with the Brazilians") is set for publication in mid-January. It will be a collector's edition for sure. The whole premise is that I expose people on the Internet for being phonies. I also have hornes and hooves for some reason.
My question: would we be able to sell this comic in your "Five Star Frog Splash Comix" store in L.A.? My handlers feel this would give the comic an air of credibility, as opposed to just shoving it in the local Hasty Market here. Also, would you be opposed to "appearing" as a villain in issue # 6? Just throwing that out there.
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply: Dear Canadian Bulldog,
This is 5 Star here, the manager of 5star comics. If you want you can mail us some samples, or copies of your book for us to check out.
The address is 131 Lakewood Center Mall, Lakewood, Ca, 90712.
But please do not put RVD in your comics as a character. Maybe after we see some of the book, we can talk about it, but not yet.
Dear Frank Dusek,
Canadian Bulldog here (Don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met at one of the legends conventions way back when, and you said I was "interesting". I haven't forgotten. Plus, you were one of my favorite announcers EVER in the old World Classy territory.
My question: I'm starting up a DVD called "The world's most violent wrestling matches Volume 2" (don't ask about Volume 1. Loooong story.). We would like you to host the event.
The DVD, still in preproduction, is nothing short of incredible. We have barbed wire matches, exploding barbed wire matches, steel cage matches, exploding steel cage matches and lumberjack death matches (featuring exploding barbed wire). Most of the matches feature your old friend, Cactus Jack Manson.
What do you think? I think your voice on our production would add an air of legitimacy to the whole thing. You could even swear if you want (the disc hasn't been rated yet). For example, when Japanese superstar Nakamoto throws local wrestler Jeb Tennyson Lund into the pit of fire, you could yell "HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THAT HAD TO HURT!!!". Totally your call.
Anyways, let me know soon if you're available for our recording session. It would make my son's day to hear your commentate again (he's a HUGE Frank Dusick mark).
Peace, out, Canadian Bulldog
Reply (from Mark Nulty at Wrestling Classics, for some reason):
I would never yell "Holy Fucking Shit!" on commentary and I'm insulted that you would think I would. And I have no interest in adding an air of legitimacy to garbage wrestling. And do you actually own the rights to these Cactus Jack matches or are you ripping someone off? Please don't email me anymore.
Dear Mark or Frank (I'm not sure which one I'm dealing with here),
These matches are from the vaults of private wrestling collectors. They do not contain 'garbage wrestling', as you call it, but rather high-quality violence. It's all fake, anyways, so what do you care?
Anyways, I am sorry if I offended anyone in your fine organization. My sincerest apologies. We will just have to contact our second choice, B. Brain Blair.
Thanks for your time, Canadian Bulldog
That about does it for this week. If you feel like you want to give me your two cents (or even ten cents; I'm saving up for a new bicycle!), drop me a line at bulldog@Onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
I don't know what you're laughing at. Personally, I'm starting to get the creeps regarding all the evil things Bulldog has happen to me. Specifically, the "Jeb Tennyson Lund Memorial Show" comes to mind. How did I die, exactly?
Originally posted by Jeb Tennyson LundPersonally, I'm starting to get the creeps regarding all the evil things Bulldog has happen to me. Specifically, the "Jeb Tennyson Lund Memorial Show" comes to mind. How did I die, exactly?
Steroids, obviously. DUH!
Anyways, if you think I've been evil so far... YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN' YET!!! Muhahahahahahahaha...
So what if it's not even Christmas yet? For this column, I've decided I'm going to stop ripping off other columnists, and go straight to WWE Magazine. It's time to look into the crystal ball of the future to see what will (and won't)