Inside The Ropes All-Canadian Edition By Canadian Bulldog
"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" -- Millionaire Man Teddy Biase, 1987
I'm Canadian Bulldog and welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside The Ropes. Before we kick things off, a big ITR `Mazel Tov' goes out to longtime readers Ryan and Liz on their recent engagement. Here's hoping your life together is just as successful as the other power couples in wrestling: Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon; Macho Man and Elizabeth (except for the divorcing and dying parts); Uncle Elmer and Some Woman; and X-Pax and China.
And now, it's time for one of my patented trivia questions:
Who is the only man to have held the world title in all of the `big 3' promotions?
(a) Christopher Lewinski (b) Lex Lugar (c) Sand Man (d) Chris Benwah (e) All of the above (f) Some of the above (g) Most of the above
Answer at the end of this column!!!
Well, folks, it's finally happened. World Wrestling Federation Entertainment Corp. has delivered a feud that yours truly will plunk down good money to see. It's a match that's long overdue -- and they're going to finally "lock up". There's a detailed back-story for why the bout should happen, and the two rivals have a legitimate reason for disliking each other.
We saw a glimpse of what the two of them could do at the last PPV, but this time round, it's going to be the real deal. And instead of giving it away for free on television, they're saving it for pay-per-view.
So when the WWE presents Unforgotten next week, I will be on pins and needles waiting for Coach John Goodman to face Good Ol' JR Ewing. One on one. Finally!!!
Here's a little tip from The Bulldog: This new AWA-TNA wrestling program features the best wrestling you've never seen! From their red-hot Ex-Division to tag teams such as America's Most Wanted Home Videos to their champion B.J. Styles, this is one upcoming indy promotion you won't want to miss!!!
I'm counting the hours down until Rocky Maivia's new movie, The Runaway, hits theaters everywhere. With a stellar cast that includes Stifler, Christopher Walkon and Sean Connery, sources say the film is a sequel to Rocky's successful 2002 flick, 2 Cold Scorpion King.
Folks, you heard it here first: The Rick will one day become a famous movie star. And we're not just talking `Stuart Stone Magic School Bus' famous. "The Greatest One" is just about ready to lay The People's Eyebrow on all of Hollywood. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Food for thought: If Hardcore Champion Maven was Jewish and a became an expert on himself, would he be called The Maven Maven? Discuss amongst yourselves.
Holla… If Ya Need Me!!! The fastest rising star on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw these days HAS to be Big Daddy Pump Scott Steiner. With a physique that shows someone has been hitting the gym lately and the natural charisma to match, this youngster from Maryland has nowhere to go but up!!!
Well, how about this: Last week, my top-secret source firstname.lastname@example.org sent me the EXCLUSIVE results of a Japan-only pay-per-view. And now, he's done it again! Totalbs has told me that over the holiday weekend, WWE held a Europe-only PPV called Market Correxxion.
Folks, no one else can get this kind of information for you. Wade Kellerman doesn't have it. Christopher Robert Zuckerman doesn't have it (well, technically he does because this is his website). Bob Raider couldn't get this kind of information if he tried!!! Oh, and The Internet's Greatest Treasure, Scott "Toby" Keith couldn't get this either. Dud!!!
So without further ado, here are the EXCLUSIVE results of Market Correxxion: - H2K Shane Michaels beat Randy Macho Man Orton by submission when Vince MacMahon told the referee Earl "Don't Confuse Me With The Other Hebner" Hebner to ring the bell. - Under Taker lost to John Ceno via pinfall. What happened was, Ceno's twin brother was hiding under the ring and when The Dead Guy went to cover him, John surprised him with an Angle Slam for the win!!! - The Christian beat Sucker T in a special Halftime Heat match, pinning him in an empty arena using a forklift!!! - Ron Van Damme beat The Stupid Big Red Machine Kain in a Hell of the Cell match, after Kain was thrown off the top of the cell, and then came back and was CHOKESLAMMED through the top of the cage!!! - Stoned Cold Steve Austin beat Double Jeff Jarrod via a shoot match. What happened was, Vince MacMahon told Jarrod to lay down for Austin, so he did, and then Jarrod left. Then Austin said "This is (bullcrap). This is why this company's in the shape it's in." After Austin left, McMahon cut a long promo and said that Austin invoked his Creative Control clause, and that Jarrod would fight Sucker T later in the night for the REAL belt to give the fans the match they really want!!! - In the main event of the evening, Goldenberg beat Triple HHH to capture the World title!!! But that was short lived, because then The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards came in and challenged Goldenberg to an impromptu match!!! Then Rhino won the title and HE was challenged by RDV!!! Then Mr. Sunday Night won the title and HE was challenged by Gerry Lynn, who in turn won the title. And it was the best match EVER!!!
Thanks for that EXCLUSIVE news, totalbs!!!
Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk to Torrie Watson over the telephone for an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview!!! What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED, UNEDITED transcript!!! And just as a warning, things might start to get a bit… steamy, if you catch my drift!!!
TW: MMMMM…Hi, there. Thanks for calling 1-900-DIVA. You must be over 18 to continue with this call. CB: Hi, Torrie. This is Canadian B… TW: Do you want to speak to me and some of my close personal friends? CB: Wow! Close personal friends? Like… TW: I can't wait to talk to you. Mmmmm… CB: Me neither, Torrie!!! Question number.. TW: Just hold for the next available operator. CB: Why? (Elevator music) Operator: Hello, this is the operator. How are you doing today? CB: Just great! This is Canadian Bulldog from Inside The Ropes. You've heard of me, I trust? Operator: Uh… sure. Whatever. CB: Can I be connected to Torrie Watson? Operator: Yeah, sure. We can call her that. You can speak to anyone you want here… CB: Wow! You can connect me to Tritch Stratus? Operator: Sure. CB: Don Marie? Operator: Sure. CB: Hulk Hogan? Operator:… CB: Okay, I'd like to do this soon. My recorder is running out of tape. Operator: I hear you, kid. Though I've never quite heard that analogy before. Credit card number, please? CB: Oh, no you don't! I did that once when those telemarketers asked me to mail my card to them. That was six months ago, and they STILL haven't sent it back to me. Operator: I'm sorry? CB: Don't be. It's my fault, really. I should have thought to write down their phone number. Operator: Sir, we need your credit card number to put this through. CB: Why? Operator: Because. This call costs $5.99 for the first minute, and $27.99 for each additional minute. CB: Does World Wrestling Federation Entertainment Corp. know that you're doing this? Operator: Uh… yyyyyeah. Sure they do. Of course. CB: Oh, in that case…
Folks, I can't really get into what happened next, but let's just say… I didn't think to ask the former Playgirl cover girl any questions, if ya smell what The Dog is cookin'!!! She was ALL OVER yours truly. Heh heh heh!!
OMG!!! If you haven't seen this week's Monday Night Heat spoilers, be forewarned. Because I'm about to spoil them all for you!!! It appears as though Shane O. Mack will become a commentator on the show! And Vampire Warrior Gangrene makes his return! So does The LOOD! And the wrestling return of Drozz. Don't believe me? Click HERE for the proof!!!
If you're like me, you probably run to the newsstands each month for the latest edition of Professional Wrestling Illustrated. I probably own every single issue since my first one in May 1986 (cover story: "Ric Flair's Evil Plot to Murder Dusty Rhodes").
Of course, their annual PWI 5000 issue comes out right about now. Current WWE World Champion Brock Lesnor came out on top this year. What was Bill Shatner thinking? So I got to thinking: what if I was to construct my own version of the list? So without further ado, here's the inaugural edition of the ITR 500:
(1) Hurricane Helmsley (2) A-Train (3) Rocky Maivia (4) Zack Gowan (5) Eddie Guerrera (6) B.J. Styles (7) Double Jeff Jarrod (8) B-Train (9) Best Show (10) Doug Bash 'Em (11) Ray Mistereo Junior (12) Ray Mistereo Senior (13) John Ceno (14) Leeta (15) Donny Bash 'Em (16) C-Train (17) Duke The Dumpster Droese (18) Jericho!!! (19) Eric Bischov (20) Super Rosie (21) Randy Orson (22) Triple HHH (23) Michaels!!! (24) Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash (25) Scott Hall (26) Shane Waltman (27) D-Train (28) Jab Tennessee Lung (29) World's Best Goddam Tag Team (tie) (30) Billy The Kid-Sized Man (31) Kurt Henning (32) Hulk Hollywood Hogan (33) E-Train (34) Rodney Max (35) Kain (36) Under Taker (37) The Executioner (38) Maven!!! (39) Eddie Guerrera (40) Assorted Others
Disagree with my picks all you like, but you know I'm completely 100 % right!!!
And now, let's open up the virtual mailbag. Remember, if you want to ask me a question, well, that's just great.
Q: Why did you call Maven the Hardcore Champion earlier in this column? He lost that title a long time ago, and plus, the belt no longer exists! A: Here's an `unanswered and rhetorical question' for YOU: How did you manage to send me a letter about something I just wrote two minutes ago? Q: What in the blue hell is Y J Stinger? A: Thanks for the compliment. That's the finishing move done by Chuck Jericho, where he hoists his foe up by their knees and over his head. Just this past week on his Human Highlight Reel show, Jericho said "I'll make you tap to the Y J Stinger, Junior!" Q: Can you tell me what ever became of my favorite grappler, Big Cat Curtis Hughes? A: He died several years ago. He'll be missed. Q: As a professional columnist, what's your opinion on the brand extension? One school of thought says that it's working to build up younger stars, while the other school says they need to pool their resources together to get better ratings. Your thoughts? A: Ehhh… Sorry, you lost me there. What was the question again? Q: Do you think we've seen the last of Rowdy Roddy Piper in wrestling? A: Maybe. Q: What's the single best tag team match you've ever seen… and why? A: Good question. Q: My question involves the future of the developmental system in Ohio Valley. Why can't the WWE use that group as a launching pad for its current talent, instead of having them wait patiently as larger, more successful candidates, pass them by? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. A: Thanks for the compliment. Q: The reason I can send you questions about your current column is because I have high-speed Internet. A: Ahh, I see. Say no more.
Well, that about does it for this edition. I'll check back in with you next week. If you have any questions/comments/feedback/suggestions/petty complaints or unwarranted criticism, be sure to send them to Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com.
Until next time, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes!!!
The first-ever ITR 500? An EXCLUSIVE interview with Torrie Watson? All this, plus, to be honest, not much else, in this week's JAM-PACKED Inside The Ropes!!!
What a long (looong), strange trip it was. Lafayette, which is where fucking Purdue is, is a place I've never been to. But this was such an amazingly good card that we decided around three hours wasn't THAT big of a drive, at least this one time.