"Iran, number one. Russia, number one. U.S.A. -- hock, ptooey!" -- Mohachmed Hussein.
Hello, everyone. I'm Canadian Bulldog, the MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON ON THE INTERNET, PERIOD. This week, we're taking a special look back at the second half of 2004. If you'd like to see my recap of the first half of the year, click here. If you'd like to view everything else I've ever written, click here. If you'd like to buy some of my merchandise, click here. If you'd like to adopt a monkey for some reason, click here. And finally, if you'd like to learn more about organic Australian towels, click here.
Well, that about does it for this week. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… oops, sorry.
On with the year that almost was, 2004, starting with:
· Trying to copy WCW yet again, Vince MacMahon creates his own version of The Greatest American Bash paper-view spectacular. The event features Nature Guy Ricky Flare losing massive amounts of blood, Dustey Roads getting screwed by those bastard commies Nichita and Ivan Kolov, Magnum P.I. facing off against Tulley Blanchord in a nine-foot high steel cage match, and commentator Tony Schauvauntey screeching "We're out of time, folks. Tune into Nitro tomorrow to see how this main event turns out!"
· Future hall-of-famer Justin "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld captures the WWE Undisputed Other World Heavyweight Title, striking a chord with Texas stock analysts and noted bigots everywhere.
JLB finally makes the cover of Time (Note: Actual magazine cover probably doesn't look this shoddy.)
· Cruiserweight superstar Rakishi Phatu And Your Mother Too agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd., backing his ass all the way up to the unemployment line.
· In an effort to produce compelling, reality-based television and also let viewers look at women's boobs, the first (annual?) Raw Diva Search begins. Thanks to guest cameos by Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, former cruiserweight champion Kim Allah The Ugandan Headbanger and star of stage and screen Rocky Maivia, the segments are a tremendous critical and commercial success.
· Tired of drawing comparisons to the original Forty Horseman group, Revolution decides to break away from the pack and induct Mean Eugene into their elite faction.
· Former Olympic Hero, and spokesperson for handicapped general managers everywhere, Kur Tangle fires half the Smack! Down roster because they all suck. It’s then overruled by Vince MacMahon, who hires noted manager, referee and peanut head T.D. Long to run the show. So let me get this straight -- when Kur Tangle makes mass firings, it's not okay, but when Vince does it a few months later, it's fine?
· Fellow scholar and favorite wrestler of Jeb Tennyson Lund, Randy "ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!" Orton captures the one prize he's sought his entire three-year career, winning the World Title from Chris Benwah to the joy of marks everywhere.
· The next night, Triple HHH orders Deacon Bautista to drop Orton and "make it look like it was an accident", so that when Orton comes to, he'll forget that he was ever part of Revolution.
(Note: Dramatic re-enactment only.)
· Sakoda agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. In other news, some guy named Sakoda apparently worked for the WWE.
· In the wedding of the century, The Returning Pregnant Leeta almost marries The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain!!! But then Tritch Stratus comes to the ring wearing nothing but underwear and says she gets to marry the winner!!! Then Mike Hardy Version 3.5 For Windows shows up!!! And he says that the baby was really his and so he'll marry Leeta if she's willing to take back a drunken fool!!! And then Sam Malone shows up and says he can't marry Leeta because he's really in love with Diane Chambers!!! But then Rachel Green shows up at the last second!!! And when the priest asks Kain if she takes Leeta's hand in marriage, he accidentally says "I take thee Rachel"!!! And then the priest rips off his mask and he's really Eric Bischov in disguise!!! And it was the best wedding ever!!!
· Sabel The Wild Cat agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. because she's secretly carrying the NFL lovechild of The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor.
· Bookie T and George Cena engage in a thrilling Best of Seven series, bringing back fond memories of… well, nothing really.
· Ray Trailer, better known as Ray Traylor, or even better known as Bad Boss Man, dies at the age of Something. Apparently, Nails escaped from prison a few days beforehand, saying in a muffled voice: "I'll get you, Bossman, if it's the last thing I do!"
· Mixed martial arts superstar Jimmy Noble agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. after he asked the company to reimburse him for the cost of steroids.
· No, seriously.
· Triple HHH silences his critics who think he'll never regain the world title again (or am I thinking of Rick Flare in 1989?), by overcoming all odds AND Mean Eugene in a thrilling ********** match with ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
· Kristy Hemmey wins the $25,000,000 Diva Search competition, thrilling fans everywhere, because the fucking thing is finally over.
· Smack! Down celebrates five years of compelling wrestling action by featuring Torrie Watson and Don Marie rolling around in some form of liquid. COME ON - I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT WAS ON THIS SHOW AND I BET I'M RIGHT!!!
· SHNITSKY kills Kain, Leeta and Their Unborn Child, but it's NOT HIS FAULT!!!
(Note: SHNITSKY and Kain face off for the first time.)
· JLB hires former Corporate Ministry legends Gangrene and Visceria, but it's NOT HIS FAULT!!!
· Stevie Richards starts dressing up in drag, but it's NOT HIS FAULT!!!
· Amateur standouts Kur Tangle, Lucifer Rains and Mark Gingerale shoot The Best Show in the head with a tranquilizer dart and shave off his hair, but it's NOT THEIR FA… oh, never mind.
· Wanting to give the fans all the control for a change, the WWE presents the innovative Tattoo Thursday paper-view spectacular. The fans book The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To to be fired, Triple HHH to lose his backstage power, and establish a way for the company to develop new talent. Either that or they book matches between Mean Eugene and Eric Bischov, and Carmalla and Kristy.
· Orton suddenly realizes that the drop on his head in August wasn't an accident after all.
· Billy The Kid-Sized Man is suddenly a-scared to wrestle because he's worried he'll injure someone with his Shooting Frog Press. Billy, don't you know that the whole business is just FAKE?
· After spitting tomatoes on people who aren't very cool, Charlita Caribbean Cruel "accidentally" stabs George Cena. World Life!!!
Note: Objects in the rear-view mirror may appear larger than they are
· From the show that brought you such legends as Christopher Lewinski, Jackie Gay and Queen Shaquneequa, WWE presents another season of Tuff Enuff.
· Hey -- I just realized something! Nobody agreed to amicably part ways with the company during the entire month!!!
· Big Ass Barry Gun, a Train, The Test, Gay Kim, Rodney Max, Johnny The Boar, Ricola, Nadia, Chuck Columbo, Jazzzzz, Lamonty and Queen Shaquneequa agree to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. On the plus side, the company hired A Bunch Of No-Talent Bimbos for meaningless backstage roles.
· NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) marks its first monthly paper-view by having Jeff Hardee in a main event, an election between Dustey Roads and Vince Rousseau, and the PPV returns of Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash and Scott "Last Hall" Call.
· No, seriously.
· Eric Bischov names Marvin, Chris Benwah, ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! and Y J Stinger as his NEW general managers. The four of them accomplish what every fan can only dream of, namely putting Triple HHH in the main event four weeks in a row.
· Randy "Matzoh Man" Sewage joins the NWA T&A family. Then he quits. Then he rejoins. Then he quits. Then he…
· Non-terrorist Mohachmed Hussein and his manager Osama Arafat debut on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, making new fans everywhere after they're told that they're all racist pigs.
· Simon Dean Dean Simon makes his debut on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, making new fans everywhere by telling them they're all horribly obese.
· Future main-eventer Charlie Horse confronts both of his girlfriends in the ring, telling Don Marie and Jackie Gay that they're both sluts. And his point being…?
· Depressed because re-elected president George Dubya Bush isn't doing enough in Irak, WWE head writer Vince MacMahon sends his own troops in to take over the country!!! Even though they can't put on a decent television show!!! But Rod Van-Damme doesn't go with because he's a Pussy!!! And MacMahon refused to take Mohachmed with on the trip for some reason!!! Then HI-DAN-RIKE read poetry to Sadamn Hossain!!! Then JLB made fun of Iraqi ambassador Samir Shakir Mahmood Sumaidaie!!! And then The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To showed all of the insurgents why he's a locker room leader!!! And then Kur Tangle showed everyone why the U.S.A. has more Olympic Gold Medals than Iraq!!! Then Bookie T taught Iraqi National Congress President Ahmad Chalabi how to do the Spin-A-Roni!!! And then Don Marie had an affair with Iraqi interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi!!! Then hardcore author Mick Farley got a cheap pop by saying "Tonight… right here, in Tikrit, Iraq"!!! And it was the best war ever!!!
And that, in a two-column-long nutshell, is EVERYTHING that happened this year. Will 2005 be exactly the same? BANK ON IT!!!
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, send them to SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT!!! Just kidding (LOL), email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. Happy New Year!!!
I'm afraid I don't have much else to say besides how funny I thought this was, so there goes my new years resolution about trying to make my posts more useful to everyone (and my resolution to feel less self-conscious about what I post so I'll post more and make Guru Zim happy).
Geez, I hope no one starts harassing those Randy Orton fanatics. Lord only knows how that would play out
Excellent column, Jeb. Nicely completes the trilogy. Now if we could only see a prequel bitching about the push Cowboy Bob Orton got, we'd be set.