"Yo, yo, yo. You can't hear me." -- George Cena, 2004.
Welcome, everyone, to a VERY SPECIAL and EXTREMELY HISTORICAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and this week, we take a VERY SPECIAL and EXTREMELY HISTORICAL look back at 2004, the year where we heard such VERY SPECIAL and EXTREMELY HISTORICAL phrases as "ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!", "I love to cough on people who aren't cool", and "SHNITSKY!!!".
So let's take a trip down Memory Lane and Know Your Role Blvd. and recall a VERY SPECIAL AND EXTREMELY HISTORICAL year of triumphs and mass firings, shall we?
· Hal Kogan makes WWF history by defeating The Iranian Shiek for the first of many world title wins. · Uh… 20 years earlier, I mean. · Japanese sensation Takajiri accidentally spits Green Mist in the face of Jimmy Noble's girlfriend Nadia, making her blind. And apparently, really dumb. · The Les Guerreras explode!!! Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera turns on his tag team (and life) partner Chavita "Juventud" Guerrero, starting a feud that would SET THE WRESTLING WORLD ON FIRE for the entire year!!! · Bryan "Speedy" Kendricks agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd., allegedly because he stole a fan's wristwatch. Kendricks tried to deflect the blame in the following manner:
I am sorry Canadian Bulldog, but I would never hold anyone's watch because the funny thing about watches is you either A) wear them on your "WRIST" or B) put them in your pocket. I am assuming that we are talking about a wrist watch, well that just wouldn't make sense for you to take it off. If somebody were to ask me to hold a wrist watch I would tell them no, unless they had no hands, and the watch kept on sliding off. Even then I wouldn't want to, but I would be too stunned, and feel too guilty to say no. If it was a pocket watch, the only thing I could think of is that you might have been wearing pants or shorts that had NO pockets, showed up holding it the whole time until you had to interact with somebody/something else. But a person who carries a watch in their hand at all times would probably not let it out of their sight, because my guess would be they are obsessed with that watch and wouldn't want anybody touching it. I know I sure wouldn't Want to touch it, no offense, but that just sounds like too much responsibility. You never know what might happen to it. You might just lose it, and then months later have somebody using an alias, who misspells your name while asking about what happened to that watch. I am sorry to hear about you loss, and my condolences. I can do one thing however, I can ask Chan, who runs the web-site if she can post a description of the watch along with your letter, and we can put out an all points bulletin. Sorry that is the best I can think of. P.S. Did you try looking under your couch cushions?
· Chris Benwah realizes his boyhood dream by wrestling an hour-long match at the Regal Rumble and not losing at the end of it.
Benwah eliminating The Best Show (Note: artist's rendering only).
· After getting fired by Smack! Down General Manager Paul Herman -- allegedly because he lacked the toothless aggression that made him a superstar -- Chris Benwah lands a job on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw by answering the following classified ad:
Perennial Mid-Carder Required for temporary main event position. Must be short and little threat to boss' son-in-law. Applicants must be willing to travel, headbutt. Send resumé care of Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen, or just show up to interrupt an interview.
· Eddie Guerrera fulfills his boyhood dream of Lying, Cheating, Stealing and Killing his way to the WWE Undisputed Other World Title by defeating The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor. Former WCW legend Bill Goldenberg is at ringside cheering on Guerrera, but does not interfere whatsoever. No sir. · And even though Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle is named number one contender, there's no way he's going to turn on Guerrera and face him at WrestelMania XX. No sir. · One-armed wonder Zak Gowan agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. after failing a steroid test. Failing to take them. · Chris Canyon, the best wrestler in the world according to Internet Jerks Who Don't Know Any Better, agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. because "creative didn't have anything for him to do." Losers. WHO BETTA THAN CANYON? WHO??? · Ernest "The Cat In The Hat" Mueller agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. because "the man" is holding him back. Also he sucks. · Brutus The Butchering Barber Man With No Name Beefcake is removed from his job as a subway collector after police mistake his stash of cocaine to be anthrax. · No, seriously.
(Note: Re-enactment of scene only.)
· Chris Benwah fulfils his boyhood dream by winning some sort of match. · The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain is haunted by someone he killed off in the past. And sadly, it's NOT Doctor Isaac Yank 'Em but The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To. · EXACTLY like he used to. · Tritch Stratus shocks the world by turning on her real-life boyfriend Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho and converting to Christianity (Admit it; that would have been a good line to use the next night on Raw, no?). · WWE ignores all my suggestions and instead votes Tito Montana, Jerry The Body Ventura and Numerous Other Olden People into its Hall of Fame. · Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen main-events WrestelMania XX: Where Everything Old Is New Again, with a ******* match against The Next Best Thing Brock Lesnor that also features Goldenberg and Stoned Cold's bicycle. As a result, all three agree to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. · Rob Simmons, better known to the world as Ron Simmons or, if you will, Fharooque, agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. His final words to the company: "You're gonna do WHAT with Bradshaw? DAMN!" · In order to "shake things up" and make his shows more "edgy," "in your face" and "proactive", World Entertainment Federation head writer Vince MacMahon holds a lethal draft lottery to switch performers. Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw wins the services of Rhino, Takajiri, a Train and Chuck Columbo while Smack! Down gets Rod Van-Damme, Bookie T and The Dudley Brotherz. Will S!D become the stronger brand? BANK ON IT!!!
· Former Hardcore Legend Mick Farley returns to the business to take on "Lund Killer" Randy Orson in a match where ANYTHING GOES!!! Unfortunately, Farley knocks Orson into a barrel of molasses and then a separate barrel of flour!!! And when Orson stands up, he looks like he's a ghost and he scares Farley away!!!
(Note: Any resemblance to 1930's Disney cartoon is purely coincidental)
· Oriental wrestling sensation Takajiri spits green mist into the eyes of Coach Man, who is only blinded until the commercial break is over. So we can conclude that this stuff must only work on chicks. · Canadian wrestling sensation ThEdge makes his grand return to the business after a year-long layoff. No one cares. · Terri Reynolds, best known to WWE fans as Alexander York and Marlita, agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. Hopefully, this will end the company's policy of wasting air time with no-talent bimbos. · Raw shows the appearance of a controversial dim-witted character who runs around and dances like a moron. But in addition to rehiring Grandmaster Sexy, the brand also debuts Mean Eugene. · Shawn O'Hair agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. But I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know. · To make up for lack of depleting talent roster, WWE hires "Problem Maker" Mike Tyson Tomko and Lucifer Rains to teach the boys in the back that hard work eventually pays off. Zak Gowan attempts suicide. · The Best Show kills Kur Tangle dead after throwing him head-first off a 50-foot scaffold. Thankfully, Torrie Watson escapes from the incident unscathed.
· Breadshaw becomes a multi-millionaire!!! Then he becomes a cowboy-cum-stock analyst!!! Then General Manager Kur Tangle names him the greatest American EVER!!! Then he mocks Nazis in Germany!!! Then he ends up main-eventing a WWE pay-per-view!!! And he'll headline about six or seven more this year and win the title and everything!!! · No, seriously. · The WWE Little Heavyweight Title finally lives up to the legacy of its WCW equivalent by featuring JackquelynJackqlynJackie and the 60-something Chavo Cola Classic as its champions. · Grandmaster Sexy agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd., making him the first superstar to leave both WWE and NWA T&A without anyone giving a shit. · Mordechai debuts. · Mordechai agrees to amicably… blah blah blah...
· Paul Burier agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. after he is accidentally suffocated to death by The Old School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To.
(Note: This is pretty much exactly how it went down.)
· Rather than mourning his father's bizarre death, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain develops an innocent, schoolboy crush on The Returning Leeta that will probably go nowhere. · Chavo Cola Classic agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. after being kidnapped or something. His legacy will not be forgotten. · Big Father Pump Scotty Too Steiner agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd., leaving in his wake a series of ***** matches and packed houses. Or maybe he left last year. Who knows? · Matt Hardee Version 1.2 For Workstations fulfills his boyhood dream by getting The Returning Leeta pregnant. But then it's supposed to be Kain's baby. Or was it from Ross? Or Joey? Thank goodness this story doesn't get more complicated from here on in… · In a move that will send shockwaves through the WWE for years to come -- THE BASTARDS FIRE VELOCITY ANNOUNCER ROO!!! NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! SHE WAS THE GLUE WHO HELD THE COMPANY TOGETHER!!! THE GLUE!!!
… and that, in a nutshell, wraps up the year 2004, if somehow the end the world ended in June. Otherwise, stay tuned for the rest of the year that was next week. If… uh, you remember how it ends or anything, drop me a line at email@example.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.
So what if it's not even Christmas yet? For this column, I've decided I'm going to stop ripping off other columnists, and go straight to WWE Magazine. It's time to look into the crystal ball of the future to see what will (and won't)