Ok, it's been a while, but I can finally catch tonight's show on time! Let's get to it!
Hey, it's Walking Tall! That's the movie starring the guy main eventing some other company's PPV, right?
PREVIOUSLY ON IMPACT WRESTLING! Insert "Aces do stuff" recap from any of the last 9 months here. And add that they're teasing an old guy fight...again. Also, Anderson yells a lot and Jeff Hardy makes his title match with Bully Ray a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Full Metal Mayhem match! Impact Wrestling starts right now!
No opening pyro, because pyro is EXPENSIVE! We are taped from Arkansas State university. Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay, and Taz.
And we start off, like we do so often these days, with a nWoACES & EIGHTS opening yakfest. Anderson takes out a vest and offers it to AJ Styles. Devon holds up an envelope from Brooke Hogan addressed to Bully Ray and encourages Ray to bring out with him for a segment later tonight. D-Lo takes out a letter from TNA World Headquarters, which contains his termination letter. Jeezum crow, it took them THAT LONG to fire D-Lo? No wonder that company's in dire straits. That starts up a "You got fired!" chant. D-Lo complains about not getting a phone call or a meeting. Trust me, D-Lo, a letter sounds normal under this regime, especially if it's from Fed Ex. D-Lo wants to hear why he got fired and wants a face-to-face explanation.
So KURT ANGLE comes out for rebuttal. Kurt offers a face-to-face explanation, but he gives D-Lo a double-leg takedown instead. This seems unwise, because the Aces beatdown is quickly on. The save is made by MAGNUS, SAMOA JOE, ERIC YOUNG, and JOSEPH PARK. The faces quickly clear the ring. Hit Kurt's music! Tenay says we're having a ten-man main event later tonight with the five faces against five of the Aces. That sounds...dreadful. Remember, the Aces angle is all fun and games until they actually have to wrestle.
Backstage, Joey Ryan offers Brooke Hogan a candy stick. Giggity. Actually, Ryan's offering a favor, which Brooke immediately interprets as a sex favor, because she's a whore. No, Ryan just wants to be the referee for tonight's KO tag match. Ryan has some good comedy here, but it's offset by Brooke's ATROCIOUS acting. Brooke accepts and throws up her hands, because she's ACTING!
TARA (w/JESSIE) & VELVET SKY v. TARYN TERRELL & VELVET SKY We look back at what happened last week between these women. Referee JOEY RYAN makes sure to frisk all the women, just to make sure no one's hiding any foreign objects, of course.
Tara chops away on Sky to start. Sky quickly comes back with clotheslines. Ryan starts massaging Sky. Because he's sleazy, you see. Tags are made on both sides and Ryan starts eyeballing Taryn. Taryn rolls up Gail a couple of times, but there's no count, because Ryan's checking out her ass. Yup, we've got a comedy match, folks, in case you couldn't tell. Tag is made and the faces offer a double-shoulderblock. Double-team elbow hits. Sky covers, but Ryan checks her out. Sky tries to get in Ryan's face, so Gail attacks from behind. The heels start working over Sky and Gail covers, but once again, we have no count. Tara chokes in the corner, so Ryan goes hands-on to remove Tara. Jessie suddenly takes umbrage to this and jumps on the apron to yell at Ryan. Tara tries for the stripper moonsault, but stops to shove Ryan. That momentary distraction allows Sky to move out of the way. Tags are made on both sides and Taryn is the house of fire. Top-rope crossbody hits. Pier 4 breaks out. Ryan starts flirting with Gail and she starts feeling up his mustache. Ryan starts to take his shirt off, just as Taryn rolls Gail up. Ryan doesn't see anything, because he's oiling himself up. Gail reverses the roll-up and the horny Ryan offers the fast count to wrap this one up ASAP.
WINNERS: Tara & Gail Kim - Yup. This was a comedy match alright.
Post-match, Ryan wants some action, but Gail blows him off. So Ryan comes back in and tries to hit on Taryn and Sky. He wants a threesome, obviously. Taryn gives him the Greco-Roman nutshot. Hit her music!
Backstage, Bobby Roode and Austin Aries head to the ring for the tag title match contract signing. Wait, since when does a TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH need a contract signing?
We head to the ring where JEREMY BORASH is moderating the contract signing between AUSTIN ARIES and BOBBY ROODE and CHAVO GUERRERO and HERNANDEZ. Everyone's decked out in suits, except for Hernandez, who either didn't receive the memo or had his suit taken as a late April Fools gag. Aries says that they aren't the World Tag Team Champions, but rather a "Team of World Champions." Roode derides the Mexican contingent's lack of World Heavyweight Championships. Chavo plays the "I'm a Guerrero" card, like he always does. Aries wants to make the match more interesting, so he wants to add some perks. After a suggestion from Roode, Aries adds into the contract that the winner get some bonus money, green M&M's, and a fruit basket. Chavo has a stipulation to add, too. This one isn't revealed, but the champs aren't fazed by it. So the champs add one more. The faces accept it. Borash reveals that Chavo and Hernandez added a "2 out of 3 falls" stipulation, while Aries and Roode added in that if the faces lose, their tag team is finished! Everyone signs, except for Hernandez, who's very hesitant. Hit Aries' music, as Hernandez expresses concern with Chavo.
Here's a look at Adam Pearce! He competes in Gut Check, next!
Here's a look at Magno, the masked luchador who is also competing in Gut Check tonight!
ADAM PEARCE v. MAGNO: GUT CHECK CHALLENGE Pearce outwrestles Magno to start. Magno flips around to escape. Pearce goes back to the wrestling sequence, but Magno hits a headscissors. Magno tries to flip around some more, so Pearce nails him with a right forearm. Pearce's corner charge eats boot, but he comes right back with a BIIIIIIIIG back bodydrop! Crowd is very dead for this, so far. Magno gets whipped into the corner and he botches the leapfrog sequence. Eesh! He comes right back with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Magno tries a quebrada and botches THAT to hell, too! Ye gods! Magno tries a springboard crossbody, but Pearce catches him with a spinebuster for 2! Magno flips to the apron and hits a headscissors. Magno makes the babyface comeback and hits a corner enziguiri. He clotheslines Pearce to the outside. Magno climbs up top and hits a moonsault to the outside! Magno calls out to the crowd, but that allows Pearce to roll him up and grab the ropes for the 3!
WINNER: Adam Pearce - Pearce showed some good moves and charisma. I like Magno, too, but he botched a good chunk of his offense. I'm guessing he got jitters. I'd like to see both guys stick around, honestly.
Let's look at what happened last week between Hulk Hogan and Sting.
Backstage, Anderson and the Aces pass a vest to AJ Styles, as we continue our timewarp through 1997.
Here's a video package on Sting and Hogan.
Backstage, Hulk Hogan tells us that Sting isn't here tonight. Hulk says he's more concerned with AJ Styles and he wants to find out where he stands.
Backstage, Kurt Angle and Joseph Park have a male bonding moment.
Later tonight, a 10-man tag between Devon, DOC, Mike Knux...wait...Mike KNUX? Why do I sense that somebody got a letter from WWE's crack team of copyright lawyers?
We hit the "Not the nWo" porno music to bring out HULK HOGAN. Hulk Hogan starts off by taking responsibility for his own actions. HAHAHA! No, that'd just be wacky. No, of course he blames everyone else. But he's not going to make those mistakes again, no sirree! Hulk calls out AJ Styles.
AJ STYLES comes out, holding the Aces vest in his hand. Hulk demands answers about the vest. Hulk says he understands what AJ's going through and makes veiled references to the Claire Lynch angle. He even makes mention of the "No title shots for a year" stipulation that he made. But Hulk says that he's noticed a different AJ Styles. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the stipulation you just mentioned, genius. The one that YOU made! Hulk says that TNA is AJ's family. Hulk wants AJ's help and passes him the mic. AJ is about to answer, but interruption comes from "COWBOY" JAMES STORM.
Storm takes umbrage to AJ just standing there while he received an Aces beatdown. Storm starts yelling out "We built this!" since the Republicans sure aren't using that slogan anymore. But Storm makes the mistake of threatening bodily harm, which causes AJ to take a walk. And that's your segment!
Keneley pimps out the One Night Only PPV special, featuring X Division wrestlers past and present. Looks pretty neat, to be honest.
SONJAY DUTT v. MASON ANDREWS v. PETEY WILLIAMS We look back at Sonjay's loss to Kenny King and Zema Ion a few weeks ago. We also see some highlights from Mason Andrews' time with TNA. Nice to see that The E had absolutely no use for the guy beyond some comedy skits. Great eye for talent, guys! And we wrap up with a look at Petey Williams, including some looks at his Lil' Poppa Pump days that I would never have imagined them digging out.
Andrews starts off by mouthing off to his two opponents, a display of assertiveness that he clearly picked up from Dr. Shelby. Sonjay grabs a headlock, as a light "Petey" chant starts up. Everyone trades roll-ups, as Andrews quickly begs off. Andrews bails, which allows Dutt and Petey to go at it. Petey takes out both guys and wipes out Andrews with a suicide dive. Dutt misses with a plancha, as Tenay notes that Petey hasn't wrestled since February 2009 when he wrestled a tag match and ate the pin, thus being forced to leave the company in an idiotic stipulation that has "Vince Russo" written all over it. Andrews stomps away on Petey and draws little heat, so he tries to win the crowd over with a STIFF-looking backbreaker. Petey comes back with chops, so Andrews brings him to the corner and chokes away. Andrews hits a second rope Hitman-elbow for 2. Dutt swoops in and grabs an abdominal stretch, so Andrews removes Dutt. Petey and Andrews exchange reversals until Dutt wipes them both out with a springboard dropkick. Andrews misses a corner charge and Dutt nails a slingshot legdrop. Springboard splash gets 2. More three-way madness until Petey counters a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker with a Russian legsweep! Never seen that spot before! Crucifix gets 2 and Petey flatlines Dutt for 2. Canadian Destroyer attempt is countered and Dutt places Petey in the corner. Sonjay botches his 'rana attempt and Andrews, being totally on the ball, rushes in and nails Petey with his own 'rana! Very nice recovery! Dutt nails Andrews with a backflip inverted DDT! Moonsault stomp misses and Andrews takes out Dutt with a flying knee. Andrews turns around in time for Petey to nail the CANADIAN DESTROYER~! to a huge pop! Holy shit, I missed seeing that move! That's an obvious pin for Petey.
WINNER: Petey Williams - Great showcase for all three guys. I hope this means they're getting serious about the X division again.
We go to the Aces & Eights Super Happy Funtime Clubhouse. Bully Ray isn't in a good mood, because of Kurt Angle and his friends. Ray says everyone's going to get the job done tonight. Ray wants them to go out there and take their SOULS! Devon asks Ray if he's ready to deal with Brooke tonight. Ray jokes that he misses his wife. Ray says he's ready to move forward. Everyone toasts.
Here's a video package on the Jeff Hardy/Bully Ray feud. They meet next week in Full Metal Mayhem! Also, Bobby Roode and Austin Aries defend against Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez in a 2/3 falls match. Taryn Terrell faces Gail Kim. And we finally get AJ Styles' decision.
ACES & EIGHTS v. KURT ANGLE, SAMOA JOE, MAGNUS, ERIC YOUNG & JOSEPH PARK It's getting late on this end, so I pick this recap up after the break.
And...well...I didn't miss much. A lot of choking from Mike Knox Knux. Choking and resting from Devon. Devon, at least, has the courtesy to give us a SPINAROONIE! Young nails Doc with a jawbreaker, so Doc and Knux clear out the face corner. Young nails Doc with the enziguiri. The only guy back on the apron is Park and he gets the hot tag. Park cleans house on everyone. Here's a slam for Brisco. Gorilla press hits for 2. Pier 10 breaks out. Joe eyeballs Knux on the outside and calls out to the crowd. That allows Devon to sneak up behind Joe and wind up for about a good 10-15 seconds and nail Joe with...a PUNCH! If that doesn't say it all about this stable, I don't know what does. Joe ducks under a clothesline and nails Knux with a suicide dive. Devon nails Park with a spinebuster. Top-rope headbutt misses. Park looks to finish with the second-rope splash, but he stops to take out Bischoff and Brisco. That allows Doc to nail the Greco-Roman nutshot for the pin.
WINNERS: Aces & Eights - Absolutely no hope of following that action and the heat segment was brutal. In short, Just Another Shitty Aces Match.
Backstage, it's more DRAMA WITH THE HOGANS, as Hulk wants to go down with Brooke. Brooke offers to bring some guys out with her. Look at this tour de force of ACTING!
Up next...yeah, THIS is our main event...
We recap the Ray/Brooke angle. Aww, look at that video package try and convince us that their relationship lasted more than a couple of weeks and wasn't rushed all to hell.
Here's BULLY RAY for our main event interview. And if I haven't mentioned it yet, it REALLY sucks that we're losing Ray's ultra-cool theme song in favor of the generic Aces theme. Ray hypes up next week's match with Jeff Hardy and does more in 30 seconds to get me excited about that match than Rock and Cena did in 7 weeks for their match. Ray says that he's here to deal with Brooke Hogan, so he calls her out.
Here's BROOKE HOGAN with two random security guards. Ray mocks her and demands to know where her wedding ring is. "This is a sign of my love and devotion to you!" HA! Ray is just FANTASTIC here! He wants to know why the security guards are here and insists that they should be protecting HIM after her post-Lockdown tirade. Ray says that Brooke should have been proud of him for winning the world title, but says she didn't because she's insane. "Do you know what this is?" Ray scoffs at the idea of divorce papers, because that's just silly. Brooke opens the envelope and takes out front row tickets for next week's show, because Ray wants her to watch him beat Jeff Hardy. Oh boy, they wouldn't possibly be THIS obvious, would they? Ray says Brooke's "let herself go," so Brooke tears the tickets and slaps Ray. Ray laughs it off and continues to mock Brooke.
Here's JEFF HARDY to make the save and the fight is on. Closing credits are up and we're out!
Can YOU see the ending of next week's main event coming a mile away, too?
TNA continues to do a good job of putting on decent shows and doing their damndest to revive the Aces angle. Ray's making it more fun to watch, but the matches are still just awful.
The rest of the show was pretty good. While I joked about the contract signing, it did its job in hyping up the tag title match. The X division match was really good and did a good job in bolstering the ranks. And while the Gut Check match was messy, the video packages got me so invested in both guys that I'd be ok with seeing them again.
Good show tonight. Next week's "Clash of the Champions" style affair should be a lot of fun!
Is there anyone more over relative to his push than Samoa Joe? Crowd has been hot as hell for him since TNA went on the road weekly. If they won't push push as a singles wrestler might as well reunite him with Magnus and feud with Aries and Roode. They seem to be rushing who's side is he on in relation to the Styles story front. Great to see Petey back and three way wa good, but spotty. Don't see them doing much with that division. Why is Pearce and Jay Bradley not in Aces and Eights over Dlo and others?
OK...I work midnights, and I've been thinking about something. I'd like to share this thought with the awesome Weinerboard audience here. For basketball, the big time would have to be the NBA. Hockey has the NHL, and baseball has the MLB.