I'm still battling a case of bronchitis, so we'll keep this one running short. But not short on snarkiness, oh no sirree!
PREVIOUSLY ON IMPACT WRESTLING! We ONCE AGAIN recap the inane love angle between Bully Ray and the Hogans. Oh, and it's pretty much All Aces & Eights, All The Time now. Two of the worst angles in all of wrestling (that don't involve AJ Lee) and they're ALL OVER this show! Impact Wrestling starts right now!
We are taped from Manchester, UK! Tonight, Kurt Angle faces "Stone Cold" Ken Anderson in a steel cage. Plus, Dixie Carter has a major announcement on the future of Impact Wrestling.
We start off with CHRISTOPHER DANIELS and KAZARIAN doing their take on Braveheart, coming out in kilts and facepaint. Kaz says it's Throwback Thursday and they're throwing back to the 13th century, where they pay homage to THE SCOTS! That gets some heel heat. Daniels knows everyone's disappointed that Jeff Hardy's still world champion, but he had no idea that Jeff's facepaint was toxic! Daniels says this won't be his last chance and he vows to bring the title to England. "Everyone knows there's nothing easier than beating the English." Daniels gives everyone permission to worship them NOWWWWWWWW!
Interruption comes from...holy crap! It's MAGNUS and he gets a big pop from his home country! Magnus says Daniels isn't the champion because Jeff Hardy beat him like he owed him money...or it might be because he uses words like "shabbledab"...or it could be because they're "disrespectful Muppets who could use a good slap." Magnus offers to fight Bad Influence tonight. Daniels shoves Magnus, so Magnus tries to get a piece of them. It's two-on-one, though, and the beatdown looks to be on. But Magnus comes back and gets rid of Kaz and Daniels. With Bad Influence dispatched, Magnus grabs the mic and cuts a babyface promo, noting that his chance to compete was taken by the Aces & Eights. It's Open Fight Night, so Magnus calls out Devon!
DEVON comes out to answer the challenge and the match is next!
MAGNUS v. DEVON: NON-TITLE OPEN FIGHT NIGHT CHALLENGE Magnus hammers away with forearms and comes out with a corner clothesline. Magnus dumps Devon and starts hammering him on the rail. Magnus grabs a cup of beer and smashes it over Devon's head! Devon gets a cheap shot coming back in and start to work over Magnus with his shitty offense. Magnus tries to come back, but runs into the spinning elbow. More slow, shitty offense from Devon. Second-rope splash misses and Magnus makes the babyface comeback. Michinoku Driver hits, but here are DOC and MIKE KNOX for the DQ.
WINNER BY DQ: Magnus - Just Another Shitty Aces Match.
Post-match, Magnus cleans house on the Aces. Hit his music!
Here's a video package on Joseph Park. Coming up next, Joseph Park makes his debut. Plus, later tonight, Dixie Carter makes an announcement on the future of Impact Wrestling.
Let's go backstage for some more non-chemistry between Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan. They go back and forth on whether Hulk Hogan will show up. Whatever.
JOSEPH PARK is in the ring to suck up to the English. He's ready to make his decision. But he's suddenly interrupted by ROBBIES E & T, who aren't amused by Park. E derides Park's efforts to be a wrestler. E says that Park's a hamster, just like everyone else in the UK. He makes sure to repeat himself, but stops when he gets the death glare from the Welsh T. E says T's pretty much an American anyway. E wipes his ass with Park's notebook. E calls out Park for Open "Bro" Night.
ROBBIE E (w/ROBBIE T) v. JOSEPH PARK: OPEN FIGHT NIGHT CHALLENGE E tries to fly around, but bounces off of Park. E tries to pound Park down, but finds himself getting outwrestled. Gorilla press misses. E stomps away and talks some trash. Second-rope clothesline hits. Second-rope kneedrop gets 2. E misses the corner clothesline and Park makes the babyface comeback. Corner charge misses, but Park catches E with the belly-to-belly suplex! Second-rope splash finishes for Park in a two-minute special.
WINNER: Joseph Park - A fun comedy match.
Later tonight, Kurt Angle faces Mr. Anderson in a steel cage. Plus, a big announcement from Dixie Carter.
We see Hulk Hogan arrive at the arena.
Back in the ring, AUSTIN ARIES and BOBBY ROODE have already made their entrance. Aries says everyone's been waiting for greatness and dominance. He complains about him and Roode constantly getting robbed, but they'll usher in a new era. They're going to collect all the company gold one-by-one, starting with the KO Championship, the TV Championship, and volunteers to take the World Heavyweight Championship for himself, of course. But tonight, they start with the tag titles. Roode says they view Hernandez and Chavo Guerrero like they view the UK crowd, as a bunch of wankers.
Interruption comes from CHAVO GUERRERO and HERNANDEZ, who are out for rebuttal. Chavo takes umbrage at being referred to as the "easy" champions. Chavo doubts they're even a tag team. Aries says they are a tag team and that Roode's already beaten Hernandez. Chavo suggests that since it's Open Fight Night, it's time to fight. Aries wants a shot if he wins and Chavo says it's on!
"THE GREATEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED" AUSTIN ARIES (w/"THE IT FACTOR OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING" BOBBY ROODE) v. CHAVO GUERRERO (w/HERNANDEZ): OPEN FIGHT NIGHT CHALLENGE This crowd is SOLIDLY behind Aries! Funny how this tends to happen whenever this company leaves the Impact Zone. Chavo works over Aries to start, but Aries comes back with a hotshot. Slingshot senton hits knees and Aries gets hotshotted. Chavo hits his own slingshot senton and stomps away in the corner, as we go to our next ad break.
We come back with Aries bailing and Roode pushing Aries into a baseball slide. Chavo takes out Roode with a pescado, but that allows Aries to nail Chavo with the suicide dive! Aries works over Chavo with chops in the corner. Snapmare and second-rope back elbow hits for 2. Kick to the chest gets 2. Aries grabs the headlock, as the dueling chants start up! Backdrop gets 2 for Aries. Aries goes up top and misses his own frog splash! Chavo makes the babyface comeback. Reversal sequence leads to a rolling kick for 2! Three Amigos hits! Frog splash hits, but Roode runs in! Hernandez chases him off! No bell, because the ref's a dope. Roode runs distraction and Aries finishes with the brainbuster!
WINNER: Austin Aries - That's a terrible finish. No reason that shouldn't have been a DQ.
Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan head to the ring. OMG, HULK HOGAN IS HERE! BLEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHH!!!
Backstage, Kurt Angle talks about wanting Anderson tonight. Samoa Joe points out what happened last time they were in a cage with the Aces and that it won't happen again. Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff are all gung ho about helping out and Joe rightfully tells them to fuck off before storming off. Kurt tells Wes and Garrett to go get ready.
Later tonight, a steel cage match and Dixie Carter's announcement.
Here's ANOTHER recap on the Bully Ray/Hogans angle.
That brings out BULLY RAY and BROOKE HOGAN, as we have to move this silliness forward. Ray says they all have a common enemy in the Aces. He says that he wants his suspension lifted, so he calls for Sting to help him.
STING comes out to help Ray. Sting wants the crowd to goad Hogan out, so he gets a "Hogan" chant started. No dice, so Sting starts another one.
That eventually cues up the "Not the nWo" porno music. Hulk didn't PENCIL HIS BEARD, so you KNOW he's serious, brother! Hearing Taz constantly shill for the Aces, even though their roster couldn't take Stevie Ray's nWo, is truly pathetic. Sting insists Hulk do the right thing with Ray. Hulk says he always does the right thing, so he reinstates Ray. Well, ok, then. That was easy. Hulk books two Aces against Sting and Ray for next week. And it's a Tables Match. Hooray, Sting and Ray take it two faceless grunts! Goodie goodie gumdrops! Hit the porno music! Hulk and Ray shake hands. Good. Maybe we can move past this nonsense and actually get Ray WRESTLING again.
Velvet Sky walks to the ring. She's up next.
Dixie Carter makes her announcement. She says that the TV tapings for Impact are going on the road permanently! That's fantastic news! We've been saying for months that they need to get out of the Impact Zone and it looks like that's going to happen now. Good for them!
VELVET SKY comes out for our next promo. Sky calls out both Tara and Jessie. Well, I don't think this is going to end well for her. They think it's a handicap match, but Velvet apparently has a partner. Hey, it's JAMES STORM HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT! Hey, remember when James Storm cared about the world title? Yeah, me neither.
VELVET SKY & "COWBOY" JAMES STORM v. TARA & JESSIE: OPEN FIGHT NIGHT CHALLENGE Jessie powers storm to the corner, so Storm hammers away on him. Storm hits snake eyes in the corner. Tara runs distraction, allowing Jessie to take control with his 'roided-up offense. Announcers argue over nothing. God, shut up, Taz! Jessie tries the military press, but it's countered with the backcracker! Velvet gets the hot tag and she runs wild on Tara. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH headscissors hits! Velvet runs Tara into Jessie and gets the roll-up for 2. Storm hits Closing Time on Jessie! Tara gets in Storm's face, so Velvet nails her with whatever-the-fuck her move is for the pin in about 3 minutes.
WINNERS: Velvet Sky & "Cowboy" James Storm - Whatever.
Later tonight, Kurt Angle faces Mr. Anderson in a steel cage. And we look back at the attack on Jeff Hardy.
Here's a look back at the attack on Jeff Hardy. Now here's a look at what happened earlier tonight with Hulk Hogan. Yup. Outside the arena, Hulk says he always does the right thing. So next week, it's Bully Ray and Sting facing Devon and DOC.
Here's a video package on the Angle/Anderson feud. Anderson cuts a very "Stone Cold" lite promo on Kurt.
Backstage...oh look, Samoa Joe's been attacked...and the only ones there are Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff. Kurt the Giant Idiot comes in and tells Wes and Garrett to ask for help. Yup.
Coming up next, a steel cage main event!
MR. ANDERSON v. KURT ANGLE (w/WES BRISCO): STEEL CAGE MATCH "Stone Cold" Anderson works over Kurt to start. Kurt blocks a vertical suplex, but runs into an elbow. Anderson with a fresh round of choking. Corner charge hits elbow and Kurt hits a second-rope dropkick. Kurt hits clotheslines, but runs into a corner boot. Anderson swings and misses and Kurt hits a German. Angle Slam is countered into the fireman's carry roll for 2. Anderson chucks Angle into the cage repeatedly. Kurt comes back with the Angle Slam. It gets 2! No, no, no! You don't get to play that game when the match has only gone for TWO MINUTES! Let's go to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with Kurt hammering on Anderson. Anderson comes back with a cheap shot and tries to climb out. Kurt catches him and they fight on the ropes. Anderson crotches him for 2. More choking from Anderson. He tries to climb out again, but gets caught. SUPER ANGLE SLAM HITS! Both men are out and Angle's pin only gets 2! Anderson suddenly hits the Mic Check! It gets 2! Anderson tries to climb again, but Kurt catches him with a powerbomb for 2! Anklelock! Kurt grabs the unbreakable heel hook and Anderson taps out!
WINNER: Kurt Angle - A very lethargic cage match, thanks to Anderson's inherent awfulness. How can Mike Tenay call this "a classic" with a straight face?
Post-match, a masked Aces guy climbs the cage. Wes tries to unlock the door. He comes in and Wes suggest they lock themselves in, so Kurt agrees, because he's a MORON! So yeah, Wes locks the cage. And the masked guy reveals himself to be...wait for it...GARRETT BISCHOFF. Ok, forget for a second that this is a SHOCKING SWERVE...isn't the ENTIRE PREMISE of the Aces & Eights that they're supposed to protect their masks with their lives? Isn't the whole crux of the stable to NEVER GET UNMASKED? And he UNMASKED HIMSELF??? So yeah, Kurt is shocked, SHOCKED that it's Garrett Bischoff and he looks at Wes, as if to say "Wes, can you BELIEVE this?" Holy shit, my brain hurts. So Kurt moves in and OF COURSE Wes attacks him from behind. Wes removes his suit to reveal the vested guy that we've already seen a hundred times, only without the mask. So yeah, the Aces beatdown is on. And the Aces...are Wes and Garrett. Yeah, Kurt just got beaten down by Wes freakin' Brisco and Garrett freakin' Bischoff. Kurt should be embarrassed. Announcers sell total shock, because they're also idiots. Let's see the replays. Closing credits are up and we're out!
We now formally pass the baton of Wrestling's Biggest Idiot to Kurt Angle. Apologies to Sting, who had a great run.
Well, it looks like we've formally closed the book on the inane Bully Ray/Hogans angle and have now moved Ray on to a DIFFERENT shitty angle in the Aces & Eights, where he arguably should have been the whole time. I don't mind being limited to one terrible angle. However, I do have a problem when that terrible angle encompasses the entire show. God, I hope Lockdown brings an end to this angle for good.
On the plus side, Impact can only get better by going on the road. This is very good for them.
Until next time! Take us home, James Storm!
Being a guy that's been here since day 1 I have to say @tnadixie announcement was huge. Another big move that guys have busted their asses 4
I thought it was a decent enough show, kinda like it's been for most of the last year. Nothing really offensively stupid to watch unlike whatever they were thinking when they planed out Raw this week.
Being in a big arena made this look like a real wrestling alternative to the WWE. They gain so much by having not only a different crowd to preform in front of, but also a much larger one too. I don't expect them to be selling out 11000 seats for Impact tapings, but just ask the NHL, there's ways around showing that most of your building is empty.
I thought this was a mostly solid edition of Impact.I really like Magnus as he's got a good look is young with loads of potential and is really good on the mic and has improved in the ring over the last few years.I think he is better off as a heel than face, but he cut a solid face promo last night and came off as a star as he really carruies himself like a mega star and the crowd went apeshit for him.I hope TNA pushes him when they get back to the states as well. I hope he gets the tv title soon because Devon is just a awful champion. I thought Aries Vs Chavo was a pretty good match with a terribly booked finish. They really should have just had Aries go over clean. I find it funny how TNA did all they could to turn the sound down as to try and hide the fact that the crowd was going nuts for Aries and in his corner. I like that Aries and Roode's goal is to win every title so it doesn't make it seem like they are stuck in the tag division. Really glad TNA is leaving the Impactzone with the awful fans that don't pay a penny to go to the shows and hurt the shows by being so flat and trying to call attention to themselves with their awful chants.TNA feels big league when they go on the road vs being in the Impactzone. I understand that TNA will not be selling out arenas and will have to comp tickets a lot at first, but unlike the Impactzone they will be getting money from the fans in the arena for the tickets and get good money from selling merch and the crowds will be more lively.I thought the cage match was very solid and really probably Anderson's second best match behind his awesome cage match again Angle at Lockdown three years ago. The end results was the same as it always is for the Job squad as Anderson jobbed. Man that faction has has zero cred at all and for all the airtime they get it's comical how they never win.I would say that it goes without saying that Garrett and Wes finally turning heel was the least surprising thing ever and those two green horns won't be giving that faction any cred at all. All in all, this was a good enough show with a hot crowd and two really good matches.
I feel like Garrett and Brisco turning was about 3 months too late which right now is how I feel about Aces and Eights. Moving TNA out of the Impact Zone is for the best. Even if the shows look small sometimes, I am sure there is places in the country where it can look good. The real problem is they need to dump this Aces and Eights storyline, but they are so close to Lockdown, they might as well do it there. I do miss heel Bully Ray.
The Wee Baby Sheamus.Twitter: @realjoecarfley its a bit more toned down there. A bit.
I'm not going to comment much about the show, there was good stuff and bad stuff as usual, but being on the road is a good thing and the announcement that they are going on the road permanently is a good thing.
But what I want to say is, what the hell has happened to one of my favorite TNA originals James Storm? He is now in a mixed tag match, for a guy it doesn't get any worse. Creative has soooooooooo dropped the ball on James Storm. Same could be said about Magnus. I think James Storm deserves to be in the world title picture and Magnus should be the TV title champ.
After watching the show again I would say this show was an above average show. The Robbies on the show, Chavo/Hernandez on the show and a pointless knockouts match are my only gripes.
Originally posted by BrianBut what I want to say is, what the hell has happened to one of my favorite TNA originals James Storm? He is now in a mixed tag match, for a guy it doesn't get any worse. Creative has soooooooooo dropped the ball on James Storm.
A year ago, it looked like he was going to be their version of Stone Cold. Now he is their version of John Morrison. Ouch.
In our main event tonight, we take a look back at RAW 1000 - aw, really? Bleah. Also tonight: SIN CARA takes on DREW McINTYRE - hey wait, we had this match LAST episode - is it too cynical of me to assume whoever lost last week will win tonight?