Well, I've been on my sick bed for the last week (hence, why I couldn't even offer up a token Raw thread) and, in fact, I'm still there, so we're keeping this one short.
We don't even get as much as a PREVIOUSLY ON IMPACT WRESTLING, as we go right to the...glurgh...Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan wedding (from the vows all the way forward! Sheesh!) that ended with freakin' TAZ revealing himself as one of the Aces & Eights! Beatdowns for everyone! And a kick in the nuts to the viewers at home!
Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay, and Manti Te'o's girlfriend. Keneley and Tenay talk about Taz's turn and how SHOCKING it was. We'll get an explanation from Taz later tonight.
That takes us outside the arena, where the Aces & Eights are riding into the arena.
Dig these new Opening Credits! No opening pyro, however, as we immediately start the show off with the ACES & EIGHTS, led by an elderly midget. Oh wait, that's Taz. Taz wastes no time in grabbing the mic, so let's get this explanation over with.
"Everybody's asking me all week long, 'Why, Taz, are you with Aces & Eights?'" Well, we ARE asking that, but...not for the reasons he thinks. Taz says he couldn't pass up the opportunity to be a part of the Aces machine that seeks out revenge. Revenge for what, again? Taz says he couldn't pass up the chance to work for a "higher power." Oh sweet Jesus, there's that "higher power" phrase that's giving a whole lot of people some really bad flashbacks. If this ends with Hulk Hogan taking off a robe and yelling out "IT WAS ME, STING! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!", then I quit. Taz continues to talk loud and say nothing. Taz talks about his contract and points out that if anyone touches him, he'll own TNA. Why the fuck would ANYONE write a contract like that for TAZ, of all people? Taz wishes everyone luck with dealing with everyone and "the higher power." They already have enough trouble with the payoffs they're giving us NOW! What the hell makes this company think they can deliver on a HIGHER POWER?
Backstage, Jessie tries to motivate Tara with a Velvet Sky action figure. "You're a winner, she's a loser, I'm a Hollywood superstar, you're a TNA Knockout champion, she likes dead pigeons or something, I'm pec-tacular!" HA!
Coming up next, Tara defends the Knockouts Championship against Velvet Sky!
Ad break - Can someone, once and for all, tell me WHAT THE FUCK MOVIE 43 IS SUPPOSED TO BE???
Later tonight, Jeff Hardy defends the world title against Christopher Daniels. That takes us to a Christopher Daniels video package. Tonight, Daniels gets a shot at his first world title.
Annoying Backstage Guy catches up with Kaz and Daniels, asking what Kaz's role is tonight. Kaz pulls out an APPLETINI~! from Daniels' duffle bag (!) and answers that he's a licensed manager. Oh, my mistake, his badge says licensed manager EXTRAORDINAIRE! Daniels says this is a turning point for TNA, because they need Christopher Daniels. "Because I'm not a creature, I'm a feature. I make the girls' day every time these hips sway. And I'm mere moments away from taking my place at the head of the table. How does this sound, my friend? Christopher Daniels: World Heavyweight Champion...of the World!"
Taz has relieved Manti Te'o's girlfriend of her duties at the announce table. Man, it's almost like she was never there. Taz wastes no time in antagonizing Keneley and Tenay. Oh, this is going to be fun.
VELVET SKY v. TARA (w/JESSIE): KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH So what's worse than watching Velvet Sky wrestle in a two-minute special? How about watching Velvet Sky wrestle for TEN MINUTES over Taz's grating heel commentary? Sigh...it could be worse...he's still better than Michael Cole at his worst. Announce team ignores the match and focuses on Taz and the Aces, so I'm tuning out, too. Let's just move forward to the Jessie-ference that finishes for Tara.
WINNER: Tara - Remember when Taryn Terrell was brought in because the KO division needed competent refereeing?
Next week, it's Open Fight Night from the United Kingdom!
Annoying Backstage Guy tries to prod Sting with stupid questions. Sting brushes him off.
Later tonight, Jeff Hardy faces Christopher Daniels for the world title.
Backstage, Kenny King talks himself up in the locker room mirror until Zema Ion enters the picture and makes fun of him. "Hey, man, don't worry about I'm doing, Goku!" HA! They have a tag match tonight with RVD and Christian York and King tells Ion to sit on the apron and let him do all the work. Ion sprays his hair and tells King that he'll show him about looking good.
JOSEPH PARK makes his entrance for our next promo. Park says he's realized that his place is not in front of a courtroom, but as a member of the Impact roster. His debut match didn't quite pan out, but he fought hard, even though he didn't get "The W, as the boys call it." It's ok, Joseph, not a lot of people "get" The W! Park says that next week it's Open Fight Night in the U.K. and he's ready (with passport in-hand) to compete in his first one. Park doesn't know who to call out, though. He won't "kay fab" us, but he'll render his verdict next week, after watching video and taking COPIOUS notes! "But what I can tell you for sure is this, next week, the U.K., the U.S., the whole world will is gonna witness the Impact world television debut of Joseph Park!" I hate to break it to you, buddy, but you already debuted on TV. Park promises a W next week.
ZEMA ION & KENNY KING v. CHRISTIAN YORK & ROB VAN DAM Still not feeling great, so we'll FFWD a few minutes to Van Dam making the hot tag to York. York cleans house on King, but the pin attempt is broken up by Ion. Van Dam misses a corner charge, as York clotheslines King over. King pulls York out and crotches Van Dam on a split-legged moonsault attempt. Blockbuster suplex is blocked, but Ion shoves Van Dam to the outside! King guillotines York, but Ion can't hit the tornado DDT! King hits York with a springboard Buff Blockbuster and Ion (who's not the legal man) gets the pin.
WINNERS: Kenny King & Zema Ion - Nice fast-paced match.
Post-match, King takes umbrage to Ion stealing the pin. I think King's just upset that we don't get to hear his awesome music again! I'd be mad, too! Meanwhile, Taz "takes a phone call" and exits the announce area.
Coincidentally, Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan (in an outfit that has me tempted to put "Brooke Hogan's Boobs" on the thread title again) arrive outside the arena. Annoying Backstage Guy asks about the wedding and gets deservedly brushed off.
Backstage, Samoa Joe tells Garrett Bischoff and Wes Brisco to buzz off. Kurt Angle enters the picture and says he's not 100% from the injury, but he'll tell the world what he needs to do later tonight. Joe exits, as Bischoff and Brisco tell Kurt that they have his back.
Later tonight, Jeff Hardy faces Christopher Daniels.
Here's a recap of the insipid Bully Ray/Hogans angle.
BULLY RAY (w/BROOKE HOGAN) make their entrance and Ray IMMEDIATELY heads for the announce desk, showing disgust over Taz taking off. Ray grabs the mic and recaps what happened last week. Ray says he would have expected this from Devon, but not from Taz. Ray says he doesn't care that he got hurt, but he cares that everyone else got hurt. "The things that I am going to do to you, Devon, the things that I am going to to you, Taz, the things that I am going to every...single...member of the Aces & Eights, I can't even talk about it. I can't even say it on national television. Every single one of you better sleep with one eye open. Look into my freakin' eyes! I guarantee you, I will not sleep one freakin' wink until I kick every single one of your m-f'n asses!" Of course, Ray says he can't do any of that until his suspension is lifted...which of course begs the question, exactly why is he allowed out there? How many suspended guys get to have entrances and promo time? BESIDES John Cena, of course. Ray begs Hulk to lift his suspension.
This brings out STING for support. Sting says Hulk's only come halfway, having walked Brooke down the aisle to give away to his new son-in-law. Sting wants Hulk to go all the way without ever really specifying what that means. Sting expects Ray to be reinstated next week, which naturally means he won't, because we just HAVE to keep finding excuses to drag this out. I will say this...Ray's being given an absolute turd of an angle, but he's TRYING! God bless him, he's TRYING!
We go back to last Thursday when Austin Aries and Bobby Roode ran afoul of the tag team champions.
That takes us backstage to Bobby Roode and Austin Aries. They're such selfless guys that they try to volunteer the other guy to face Hernandez tonight! Aries is even willing to admit that his wins over Roode were...wait for it...a bit fluke-y. "I KNEW IT! See? You finally came around!" HA! So this means Roode gets to take Hernandez tonight with Aries offering cleanup. "Wait, if I'm the power guy, I need to clean up! Aries, I'M the power guy!" Fantastic!
Here's a video package for Jeff Hardy. Later tonight, he defends against Christopher Daniels.
"THE IT FACTOR OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING" BOBBY ROODE v. HERNANDEZ (w/CHAVO GUERRERO) Taz has rejoined the announce team. Again, sickness means I take this recap towards the end, as Hernandez bops Roode with the NFL tackle! Hernandez tries to follow with the tope, but AUSTIN ARIES runs out to move Roode to safety. Roode takes umbrage to this and he and Aries get in a shoving match and argue again! Chavo interrupts this argument by going after Aries! Earl Hebner actually goes to the outside to break this up, even though this has nothing to do with the match. Hernandez also lets this distract him, allowing Roode to finish with...a bulldog?
WINNER: Bobby Roode - Who wins with a bulldog in 2013?
Post-match, Tenay says this was a swerve! Does he even know what that word means? Aries tries to raise Roode's hand, but Roode won't have any of it. Aries says "We did it!" Roode fires back "*I* did it!" These two are going to be great, especially since Hell No is starting to fizzle out a tad over at The E.
Backstage, Kurt Angle walks to the ring. We hear from him next!
We look back at Kurt Angle getting destroyed by the Aces.
This leads to KURT ANGLE making his entrance for our next promo. "Aces & Eights, I thought you guys were going to be temporary, but obviously, you're in it for the long haul." You said it, brother! Kurt's tired of the sneak attacks and injuries. Kurt tells Taz that he doesn't know the meaning of revenge, because next week is Open Fight Night and he'll get his revenge on Ken Anderson. Kurt calls out Anderson right now.
So here's MR. ANDERSON coming out to his music, but through the Aces' entryway in full Aces regalia, as this stable just continues to look sadder and sadder with each passing week. Anderson cuts a spastic promo on Kurt and says he doesn't want to fight him next week, but wants to fight him NOW! SUCKER PUNCH! Kurt comes right back and Anderson bails. Kurt says there won't be any sneak attacks next week, because the match is going to be in a steel cage. Yeah, because a steel cage has worked SO WELL for these guys before.
Kaz and Daniels are ready for the main event. So is Jeff Hardy. The match is next!
Let's go to...A SWITCHBLADE! Yup! It's the Aces, alright. Anderson tells the hookers to shut up and yells a lot. Devon tries to calm him down and tells him that he'll have a battle plan.
Next week is Open Fight Night from the U.K.! Joseph Park calls someone out! Plus, Kurt Angle and Mr. Anderson face off in a steel cage!
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (w/KAZARIAN) v. "THE CHARISMATIC ENIGMA" JEFF HARDY: TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH Jeremy Borash gives us the championship intros.
We start with a tie-up in the corner and a clean break. Jeff grabs a headlock and gets backed into the corner. Jeff gets the headscissors and hits a corner clothesline. Jeff eats it on the corner slingshot dropkick. Jeff gets dumped, as Kaz comes in and raises Daniels' arm to take us to our final ad break of the night.
We come back with the ring general saluting the crowd! Back suplex and clothesline gets 2. Daniels goes to the mounted punches and pounds him down. Headbutt hits and Daniels takes a bow. Final Cut gets 2. Jeff comes back with a clothesline and it's a double KO, but Jeff quickly makes the babyface comeback. Mule kick to the face gets 2. Daniels' corner charge eats boot and Jeff's second-rope splash gets 2! Daniels whips Jeff into the corner and Jeff gets caught with a Death Valley Driver for 2! Now Daniels grabs the KOJI KLUTCH~!, but Jeff reaches the ropes. Daniels puts Jeff on the top-rope (pausing to blow a kiss to the camera, of course) and tries for the top-rope superplex! It's blocked and Jeff hits a FRONT SUPERPLEX! It gets 2, as Daniels puts his foot on the ropes! Twist of Fate is turned into Angel's Wings! IT GETS 2! Daniels is stunned, but shakes it off, because he wants the BEST MOONSAULT EVER~! It misses, but Daniels lands on his feet! He charges into an elbow, but Jeff misses the Whisper in the Wind! Daniels feels it and wants Angel's Wings again, but it's countered with the headscissors! Twist of Fate sends Daniels bowling right into Kaz, knocking him off the apron, and Jeff hits a second one. Jeff makes sure to polish off Kaz before finishing Daniels with the Swanton Bomb!
WINNER: Jeff Hardy - Great match! It's going to be a huge shame if they take Daniels out of the title picture.
Post-match, TAZ grabs the mic and walks down the aisle. Taz threatens Jeff with the Aces' wrath, which allows some random Aces guy to nail Jeff in the knee with a ball-PEEN hammer. Why? Why? WHY? Taz and the random Aces guy escapes. And there's your main event program...goddammit. Closing credits are up and we're out!
Come on...Daniels and Kaz are RIGHT THERE and I guarantee they'll put on a much more entertaining feud than anything the Aces can give us. But it's All Aces, All The Time now here at Impact, whether anyone wants it or not...and we don't.
That's all I got. It's back to bed with me.
Until next time! Take us home, Christopher Daniels!
TONIGHT! 2 PLACES AT ONCE! #BadInfluence invades Nottingham, while I challenge @jeffhardybrand for the World Heavyweight Championship!!
Last nights show was a huge improvement over the previous two weeks of shows. Taz talking aboyut a higher power brought back bad memories. Is there any way this higher power angle has a worse payoff than the last one in 1999? If it's Bischoff it would pretty much be the same type of terrible payoff.Taz was every bit as insufferable as he ever has been as a commentator. I had hoped they would have removed him from the broadcast booth. Velvet Vs Tara was pretty damn bad. Velvet is every bit as bad as Kelly Kelly was in the ring. I wish they would turn her heel and bring back Angelina and realign them and never have Velvet wrestle. I would also turn Gail face and have her feud with Tara. The X division match for once got a good amount of time and was fast paced and told a good story. I am guessing we'll have a four way for the title where RVD loses the title without being pinned. The Aries and Roode stuff is fun, but I prefer them as serious heels and fighting for the world title. Rood Vs Hernandez was better than expected and I can't recall anyone winning with a bulldog in recent memory. Bull Ray's promo was really good, but it's about a storyline no one cares about. I question the sanity of putting a banged up Angle in a cage match vs Anderson next week. Daniels vs Hardy was a excellent match and I really wish Daniels would have won even if he held the title for a short time. I wonder where Kaz and Daniels go from here. The post match attack on Hardy made sense as Hardy won't be on the Uk tour and I figure he'll be inserted into a lethal lockout match with three or four partners against the Aces and Eights at Lockdown. All in all, this was a good show with three good matches and nice build to next weeks show.
Originally posted by Matt TrackerWho else could be a higher power than an alpha male? Monty Brown, come on down.
Did King Mo bail on TNA already?
Nope he is splitting his time between Bellator and TNA and said his first match is a few months away. I guess it is possible his first match will be at Lockdown, but probably unlikely. I would guess Slamiversary is more likely.
After the wedding replay for the opener, it was time for Taz to do the heel turn explanation promo. Well, he's instantly the best talker in the faction, but his out-of-nowhere heel turn seems to be leading right back to nowhere. Apparently Taz is Big Show now, with the iron clad contract stuff. When Taz started talking about a "higher power" guiding A's and 8's, I immediately rolled my eyes. Are we really going there with this? This angle just went from bad to worse. At least I know it can't be Vince McMahon this time, right? I'd mark if it was Dixie Carter, though. Just for the lulz.
The Kaz/Daniels segment was hilarious. "....because I'm not a creature. I'm a feature. I make the girls' day every time these hips sway......" Are you serious? This is funny shit right here. Thumbs up for Daniels if he can keep dishing out lines like this. I had to pause and rewind that like 3 or 4 times. It was that good.
The King/Ion segment was alright. X-division guys get to talk now? Well, at least there's some around who can. I just came away feeling like Kenny King and Zema Ion's characters feel a bit too similar to each other. It's like they're both doing the cocky, narcissistic heel thing.
Not sure what was going on during Joseph Park's segment. The promo was fine, it just didn't really lead to anything. It was like he was coaching himself up more than anything. Get that W.
X-division tag match was alright. Not much else I can say about that.
Bully Ray's promo was my promo of the night. Good mic work from Bully Ray tonight.
Roode/Hernandez was OK. Nothing special. It was all about Roode and Aries. It's obvious to me a few weeks ago that they were going to end up being TNA's version of Team Hell No. Not complaining, though. Not much to the Angle/Anderson promo. It just set up the cage match for next week. Daniels/Hardy main event was solid. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. Daniels looked like had it won in a couple of spots before Hardy finished things off. What I didn't like so much was the weak ass hammer shot Hardy took at the end. THAT is keeping him off the UK tour in kayfabe? You didn't have the whole gang come out and put his ass on a stretcher like a couple of the other guys? I'm sorry, but if you're gonna make this look believable, the attack has to look worse than that. It looked like a love tap. Bad ending to an otherwise above average show.
This was a holding pattern/spin the wheels type of show that just kept the lights on until the first Manchester show next week, 'cause that's what this show was all about really. Selling next week's show. Daniels' promo, Bully on the mic, Velvet's ass, and the main event were my highlights. Backstage segments were solid, too. Everything else was just average stuff. Taz was alright on commentary before the heel turn, but now? Yikes. I'll give this episode of Impact a borderline B.
Originally posted by It's FalseTaz threatens Jeff with the Aces' wrath, which allows some random Aces guy to nail Jeff in the knee with a ball-PEEN hammer. Why? Why? WHY? Taz and the random Aces guy escapes. And there's your main event program...goddammit.
Actually, that's your "Our TNA World Title holder can't get into another country so he has to stay here and we gotta explain why he can't go to Europe." kayfab moment.
Someone said that the commentator made a joke about how it would be a shame if anything ever happened to Paige's hair. Canadian Ninjas as Catholic Schoolgirls is a win. The match seemed better than some of the others.