JB has left TNA for NXT or something, so Sonjay Dutt has replaced him. This makes Dutt the color commentator and Josh Matthews the play-by-play guy.
1. Taiji Ishimori and Matt Sydal defeated Rojit Raju and El Hijo Del Fantasma
New Champion Austin Aries gave a press conference revealing that he's not even signed to a TNA contract. Presumably he will try to avoid dropping the title to Scotty 2 Hotty on NXT.
The Global Championship has gone back to being called the World Championship. That's a good move in that "Global" did not clearly establish that the title holder was the top guy. It was a nice try to differentiate themselves from the NWA/WWE/etc, but given that TNA previously had a tertiary title called the Global Championship, the Global brand was just confusing. Particularly given the Global Force Wrestling shenanigans.
Throwback video of Aries's first title win over Roode in 2012. Good choice. Helps to establish who Aries is.
2. Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley (The Cult of Lee) beat jobbers Monroe and Reid
The Cult of Lee's feud with LAX 2017 continues.
Allie has a secret admirer. Hopefully it is the dreamboat BRAXTON. Kiera Hogan thinks Allie is a nerd.
3. Laurel Van Ness (c) defeated Kiera Hogan to retain the Knockouts Championship
Allie then saved Hogan from being beaten down by Van Ness.
EC3 gave a promo about probably leaving for NXT. But Ethan promises that he will first fulfil his destiny to become an E C Three time world champion. Plus, he's less likely compared to Aries to job the title to Scotty 2 Hotty on NXT, so might as well root for EC3.
Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong want Joseph Park to bring them Abyss.
Grand Champion Matt Sydal gives another heel promo about his spiritual advisor. (Rule changin', yoga doin', Matt Sydal might as well declare himself the top champion once Aries/EC3 leave TNA with the real title.)
Ohio Versus Everyone decide that Bobby Lashley counts as Everyone. They attack him, throw him in his trunk, and steal his car.
4. Hania the Huntress defeated Amber Nova
Rosemary runs Hania off, in a quest for revenge. Amber Nova has a fast and furious gimick. Hania has HAVOK's music. I miss HAVOK.
5. #1 Contenders Match: Johnny Impact defeated Ethan Carter III, Moose, and Alberto El Patron via pinning EC3.
Impact will get a future shot, but first Eli Drake will get his title rematch.
Austin Aries's new music sounds James Bondish.
1. Bobby Lashley defeated Sami Callihan via DQ when the other members of Ohio Versus Everyone interfered.
Lashley would have won otherwise. Eddie Edwards ran in for the save, for some reason.
Lame LAX 2017 promo.
Flashback video of the week is the Laurel Van Ness / Heartthrob Braxton Sutter wedding from early 2017. Good choice here, as it explains the origin story of Laurel Van Ness, richgirl turned drunk gilted bride, and a hint at who may be Allie's secret admirer. Braxton and Allie later broke up on screen later that year when Braxton started having trouble winning, was jealous, and turned vaguely heel.
This wedding was the highpoint of 2017, and possibly was the best pro-wrestling wedding in history. Other storypoints accomplished at the wedding were the writing off of Transitional Aaron Rex, Queen Bee Maria, and Chill Best Man The Miracle Mike Bennett. Maria leaving also inspired Bridemaid Sienna to turn more heel, and to bring in her cousin KM and her random savage dude Kongo Kong.
Given Rockstar Spud's disappearance (probably he left for NXT), let's just forget his whole Hornswaggle feud and imagine he left because of losing his Bro Rex at the wedding. Also, I seem to recall Heel Referee Stiffler was also at the bachelor party for BRAXTON (<3), so I'll assume he also was heartbroken by the wedding and left because of it as well.
I'd completely forgotten that forgotten future should have been world champion Robbie E and Brooke also showed up to the wedding. No idea why, but nice to see Robbie E again.
Back in the present day, Allie is headed off to meet her secret admirer in a secluded tunnel on the set.
Patron attacks Moose for some reason. Fallout from their four-way match last week.
2. Rosemary defeated Hania the Huntress
Ethan Carter III reveals that he has brought back his bodyguard Tyrus. Bromance restored!
Allie's secret admirer thing was sadly not Heartthrob Braxton, but rather was a trap set by Laurel Van Ness. Horror music played as Van Ness emerged from a box to attack Allie. Allie wasn't having any of that, kicked Van Nesses ass and dumped her back into the box. Allie then slammed the box shut. And then lightly kicked the box.
The announcers imply that Tyrus didn't disappear for NXT, but rather for Fox News. Okay sure why not.
3. Tyrus and Ethan Carter the Third defeated Matt Sydal and Johnny Impact via EC3 pinning Impact
Pleased to see the established team win.
Carter doesn't seem angry for Tyrus betraying him to Big Money Matt Hardy a couple of years ago, as Tyrus's whole character is that Tyrus likes getting paid and will do anything for money. Business is business.
Okay maybe Tyrus being on a Fox News money show would make sense.
Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong attack Park Park and Park's new offices, including throwing down a framed picture of the Parks' Grandma Genny.
At some point in the show, Sonjay Dutt pleased us all by speculating that Allie's admirer could have been Standby Wrestler Richard Justice, based upon them tagging together on the thanksgiving show. I applaud Dutt for remembering Justice existed, and for even having a vaguely plausible reason for guessing him.
4. Generic rough guy Brian Cage defeated jobber John Cruz
The Cult of Lee (which seems to no longer include Andrew Everett, not that Everett being back in the cult ever made sense) go hunting for the tag champs LAX 2017. Instead they find Fallah Bahh eating M & Ms, and then attack and demask some fake Mumbay Cats. Sonja Dutt promises us that the real Mumbay Cats are elsewhere and unharmed.
5. Taiji Ishimori (c) retained the X title against El Hijo Del Fantasma
Highlight of the match is Dutt explaining to Josh Matthews that he always knew that the music video of Ishimori's entrance theme was performed by a band that wears numbers 1-5 on their faces. That's why Ishimori wears the 6 on his face. Kinda cool. I was wondering what was up with the 6 thing. I assumed it was some Japanese tag faction numbering. Matthews really loves Ishimori's music.
Austin Aries for some reason carries a ton of other world (?) titles with him. Makes him look like a world class superstar. Also makes me wonder if he carries them around in a golden dilapidated boat.
6. Austin Aries (c) retains the World Championship against Eli Drake (w/Chris Adonis)
For some reason Johnny Impact is defending his #1 contender's status in a match against EC3 next week.
Of the past two weeks the mainevents were good, but the real highlight was the flashback of the Laurel Van Ness/BRAXTON wedding.
"You are a very wise man Ti-jeeri." Austin: Do you own a watch? Tazz: Right there. *shows watch* Austin: Nice. Mind if I have a listen? Tazz: No doubt. *Austin listens to watch* What's it sayin'? Austin: I don't know, I don't speak Spanish....