In this week’s episode Stone Rockwell filled us in on his latest adventure. A few weeks ago Stone Rockwell (Mr. Adventure) was riding on a train in Budapesh (not Budapest, many people get that wrong), when his companion Escobar remarked that you should never judge a book by its cover.
Unfortunately before we could get to the part with the quest for magical rubies (which I assume would have been the eventual destination of the story), Eli Drake interrupted him and squashed him for the win.
This may have been our beloved adventurer’s official debut on Impact, however, he made an appearance on Xplosion a while back, followed by a special youtube video in which Stone Rockwell (PWI #268) and Josh Matthews went on an adventure for cinnamon buns and to find Sonjay Dutt.
Alberto el Patron (PWI #78) flamed out, disappearing right before his scheduled PPV match with Austin Aries. That was a good thing. Austin switched to being a heel, a role he does much better in. Lucha Underground’s Pentagon Jr. (#30 should be top ten) and his brother Fenix (#61) decides that the “Hernandez Rule” is no longer in effect, and started regularly appearing on Impact. Pentagon soon won the Impact Championship, although Austin was able to get it back in short order. Pentagon Jr. has yet to get his rematch, and is currently tied up in a blood feud with Sami Callihan.
Eddie Edwards went insane during his feud with Sami Callihan, feuded a bit with Tommy Dreamer (#382) after his wife left him, and now is feuding with Austin Aries and Aries’s minions.
A dude started attacking people backstage and leaving signs with the letter X on them. It turned out to be a new guy, Killer Kross, who then became Aries’s minion. Also Moose failed to beat Austin in his PPV titleshot, so Moose decided to turn evil and become Austin’s other minion. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em I suppose.
Fallah Bahh and KM have formed an odd couple tag team. KM is still a heel, but is growing to like Fallah, or at least thinks that bonding with Fallah is the key to scoring hot babes.
Matt Sydal and Josh Matthews have decided to walk separate paths. In Sydal’s case that entailed losing the X title to Random Lucha Fighting Guy Brian Cage (#118). Cage has become awesome. Sydal is now feuding with some new X-division guy. We will always cherish our memories of Sydal giving the meaningless Grand Championship to Josh Matthews, who then lost the title to belt collector Austin Aries when Aries pinned Sydal.
Laurel Van Ness and Sienna have disappeared. Also Taya Valkyrie has disappeared, but occasionally it is mentioned that she married Johnny Impact. Braxton Sutter (heartthrob) also disappeared.
Allie has been feuding with new young heel Tessa Blanchard and with zombie queen Su Yung. Su Yung has an army of undead bride minions, and disappeared Rosemary and Madison Rayne after putting them in coffins. Last week Tessa pinned Allie to win Su’s Knockouts title in a three way match. Kira is still Allie’s friend/sidekick.
Johnny Impact was taken out by Kongo Kong for months. Impact is finally back and is seeking revenge.
Sonjay Dutt (#343, should be top twenty) was replaced on commentary by Don Callus. (Former TNA authority figure in the NWATNA years, and former ECW authority figure years ago.)
The Impact Grand Championship no longer exists, as Austin Aries merged it into the Impact Championship and wound up with a new title belt as a result. All other titles that still had GFW designs were also replaced with new belts. (Other than Cody (#8)’s GFW Next-Gen title, which presumably was turned into a magic wand capable of filling 10,000 seat arenas.) Aries now only carries the new title belt around, rather than his previous Dilapidated Boat filled with random title belts.
In the tag team division Konnan disappeared, which led Eli Drake and his special guest partner Scott Steiner win the tag titles. Alas, King (#279) (the third member of the DCC) returned with a new Mexican gimmick, and helped LAX 2017 (Ortiz at #124 and Santana at #126) win the titles back. Then Konnan returned and LAX 2017 sided with Konnan over King. However than Homicide (#229) and Hernandez (#225, and back because the Hernandez Rule is no more), LAX OGs returned and aligned themselves with King. Also LAX OGs accidentally ran over LAX 2017’s kid sidekick.
Tyrus also disappeared back to Fox News I guess.
The Cult of Lee (which is now just Lee #123 and Konley #393) tried to be Eli Drake’s BFF for a while, but since Drake and Steiner’s team broke up Drake just wants to do his own thing, squashing random indie guys, like Mr. Adventurer.
There’s a new brunette interviewer girl.
There’s a new blonde Knockout, the “Smokeshow” Scarlett Bordeaux. All of Scarlett’s segments are worldclass. She is followed around by Impact management figure Bobo, sultry music and smoke.
Overall, Impact has become consistently good and entertaining on a weekly basis. There haven’t been any mega ongoing storlines though that need that much in the way of weekly threads.
This week: 9/6/2018
1. Petey Williams (PWI #194) defeated Rich Swann (#132) when Matt Sydal (#66) distracted Rich. Matt wants to be Rich’s guru!
2. “The Desi Hit Squad” Rohit Raju (#395?) and Gursinder Singh (w/Gama Singh) defeated Grado (#394) and Joe Hendry (#399) (w/Winter) Before the match Joe Hendry played a song about how he was in Platonic Love with his best friend’s girl. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCWE2tti4Us)
Afterwards Winter (Katerina) broke up with Grado due to his losing streak, and kissed Joe Hendry. Joe pushed her away and said he wanted no part of it. Per his song, he was clearly only in PLATONIC Love with her. Bros before hoes.
GWN Video of the week is Jeff Hardy v. Bully Ray at Lockdown 2013. Good Lord, this was fun the last time they showed this video, but it was only a couple of months ago. Couldn’t they show some Aces and Eights videos from 2012 back when they were the hottest act in pro wrestling rather than their ultra stale 2013?
KM (#444) (w/ Fallah Bahh, #446) tries to flirt with the Smokeshow. Bobo sings to the Smokeshow. Very musical episode this week. Per the Smokeshow’s advice, the duo now wears matching outfits.
3. Eli Drake (#32, should be #2) defeated the adventurer Stone Rockwell (#268, should be higher, but many of his matches were during adventurers to parts unknown, and word of them has not yet gotten back to PWI)
Afterwards Su beat down Tessa and tried to put her into the coffin that the Undead Brides brought out. Allie and Kira make the save, but Tessa is pissed that she needed help. Tessa doesn’t want friends. (Last Saturday at All In, Tully and Magnum really should have told Tessa that what she really needs is three friends, so as to be a FOURpack.)
The Italian Mafia(?) books LAX 2017 and Konnan v. LAX OGs and King for a Bound for Glory match. I mean might as well. The only way this whole LAX story doesn’t require massive suspensions of disbelief is if their whole secret business is just selling wrestling merchandise.
5. “OVE” Sami Callihan (#121), Jake Crist (#135-the one who imitates Sami), and Dave Crist (#140, a lower ranking due to not having sufficient faith in Sami, thus Sami had to shave him bald) defeat jobbers Zachary Wentz (PWI #406), Ace Austin, and Trey Miguel
In the main event segment, Moose (#108, should be much higher, but I guess he never really did manage to defeat those random UFC dudes) reveals that he joined Aries (#25, should be top ten) and Kross (#356), because they were the only two to check on him when he was in the hospital, and Aries had given him a peptalk saying that he’d win more if he tried the heel thing. In case you’re keeping track, this marks the second time that a wrestler turned heel on Eddie Edwards (#55, should be top 10) as a result of Eddie not checking on a friend while he was in the hospital. The same reason was what broke up the Wolves. Eddie’s kinda a jerk, and he needs to work on that.
Johnny Impact (#47) comes out and announces that he has randomly been given a match at Bound for Glory. Austin is confused because Impact was in the middle of an unresolved feud with Kongo Kong (#134), and hadn’t done anything to earn a shot. Impact however explains that he got the shot as part of the deal for Impact Wrestling to resign him: It makes sense to have Johnny Impact be the Impact World Champion on Impact. It’s a lot better reason than him getting his titleshot last year because of beating some jobber to the stars luchadore.
Aries and company are annoyed and beat down Impact. Impact managed to hold them off a bit with his genre savvy, but eventually the numbers game took over.
We are over a month away from Bound for Glory, and already have two matches booked. That’s a promising sign.
I agree that Goldberg blows. The problem is that the WWE has done nothing to make the fans like someone more than Goldberg. If Eddy is going to be the superface for 2004, which I doubt any of us believes, he should be the one to send Goldberg packing....