I am on Percocet again tonight and feeling a little woozy, so let's see if I can make it all the way through this. (I skipped almost all of the promos.)
Miss Jacqueline vs. Roxxi: This is a "Bimbo Brawl" match, meaning it's hardcore rules. Emphasizing that your women wrestlers are "real athletes" and not "divas" and then calling this a "Bimbo Brawl" really suggests to me that one hand does not know what the other hand is doing. (My guess: masturbating.) Pretty good for what it is. Jackie gets a nice T-bone but Roxxi wins with the Voodoo Drop.
Curry Man vs. Sonjay Dutt: Previous to this match, Super Eric told SoCal Val that Sonjay Dutt took her ring; she comes out to accuse him during this match. Dutt wins with a nice combo: he bulldogs Curry into the top turnbuckle, Dutt's legs traveling out over the middle rope; then Dutt rocks backwards, kicking Curry in the face; then, with Curry draped over the middle rope, Dutt legdrops the back of Curry's head for the pin. Oh, and he uses the ropes -- and when Curry Man protests to the ref after the match, Dutt just kicks 'im in the balls. Ha!
Shark Boy is out, as is Super Eric, who casually lifts Dutt up and tosses him down, and then pulls the ring out of Dutt's tights (supposedly, but it looks like Eric did some magician slight-of-hand there -- I don't think that's part of the storyline, though). Dutt lies to Val, telling her the ring slipped off her finger, and they hug.
Oh, also they announce that Dutt and Jay Lethal will be wearing tuxes for their Hard Justice match (this Sunday on Pay-Per-View!) and you can win by pin, submission, or by tearing off the other guy's tux. WTF RUSSO
Motor City Machine Guns vs. Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed: MMG does lots of cool stuff but Creed sneaks in a win with a roll-up (the Official Finishing Move of the X Division) on Alex Shelley.
After the match, Chris Sabin shakes hands with his opponents, but Shelley is pissed off, shoves Creed, and leaves. MMG are consistently one of the best things on the show, so I guess it's a good time to break them up.
Frank Trigg is on "Karen's Angle" and I totally skip it, but then go back later because I totally missed the spot where Trigg legit breaks a guy's nose. Ouch!
Christian Cage, Rhino, & LAX vs. Beer Money & Team 3D: No DQ. Pretty fun, fast-paced, and chaotic. Out of all these people, it's Homicide, astoundingly, who gets the pin, taking down James Storm with the Gringo Cutter.
Homicide gets punished afterward, though, and gets put through a glass table, and wow, already they've managed to make that spot seem overplayed. Well done, guys.
Awesome Kong vs. Salinas: This is over practically before the opening bell fades away. Um, Kong wins.
Kong and The Beautiful People beat down Salinas until Abyss makes the save. I am still hoping for a Kong/Abyss match at some point.
8-Man Weapons "Dual Entrance" Gauntlet Match: Man I'm glad this is a weapons match! We haven't seen one of those in...oh...about AN HOUR AND A HALF NOW. JESUS CHRIST RUSSO. "Dual Entrance" means two guys come in at once, from opposite entrances. Over-the-top eliminations until the final two, then pinfall or submission, as usual.
Kurt Angle and AJ Styles are first and they go at it. Matt Morgan and Tomko are next but they both run away. Kip James and BG James are next (OH MY GOD WHAT A COINCIDENCE) and they scuffle on the outside.
In the ring, it's still just Angle and Styles. Styles pushes an upright ladder at Angle and Angle hits his head on the metal support crossbar. Angle is cut WIDE OPEN by this -- he is almost IMMEDIATELY lying in a pool of his own blood. Holy crap. (This is accidental, according to reports.)
Booker T and Samoa Joe are out last. Morgan and Tomko came back. Kip James was eliminated during the commercial, and maybe BG James, too -- I don't see him. AJ eliminates Angle; Booker eliminates AJ. Booker and Tomko eliminate Morgan. Joe manages to get Booker out. It's just Joe and Tomko; this lasts for about fifteen seconds until Joe pins Tomko with the Muscle Buster.
This is the match that Kevin Nash legit walked out on and refused to participate in, and it's kinda hard to argue with him. TNA has been running gauntlet matches practically every week, and weapon matches at least as often, so they've managed to make both those things run-of-the-mill. The combination of the two stips has never happened before, but since TNA chose not to hype it last week, I'm not sure what good they expect it to do. And even at that, the weapons didn't make the match better or more interesting -- the only thing of note that happened with them was Angle getting his head split wide open, which is hardly a positive.
Furthermore, BG and Kip didn't even DO anything -- they brawled on the outside with each other and then were both eliminated off-camera. They're not even involved in a storyline right now, and (as of now, at least) aren't on the Hard Justice card. They were only there because SOMEONE cares more about their "high concept" ideas and not nearly enough about the CONTENT OF THE ACTUAL MATCHES.
ARRGH NEED MORE PERCOCET
(edited by Karlos the Jackal on 8.8.08 0240) Last 5 movies seen: Puzzle ** - Hellboy II: The Golden Army ***1/2 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ***1/2 - The Bank Job *** - The Monolith Monsters **