I watched this show in about 45 minutes, so I skimmed over a lot of stuff; don't forget to chime in if I missed your favorite promo line!
We start with Jim Cornette in the ring -- he is going to set up two (out of four) of the random teams for the Deuces Wild tournament tonight -- one of them RIGHT NOW. All of the Egotistical Eight get entrances. Cornette picks a name out of a fishbowl -- it's Sting! Cornette pulls another name -- it's James Storm, the man Sting has been feuding with! WHAT ARE THE ODDS!
Sting and Storm brawl and Cornette sets them up with a NO DQ match later tonight.
Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed vs. Jimmy Rave vs. Johnny Devine vs. Curry Man vs. Shark Boy: Non-title. Lots of neat moves, of course, with most people getting to hit their finishers. This is the match where Petey Williams broke his orbital bone -- Jimmy Rave hits him with a Shining Wizard kind of knee, and Petey grabs his face and immediately rolls out of the ring.
Curry Man and Rave are the last two standing. Curry Man has Rave up in the Spice Rack -- Hemme tries to distract Curry Man -- Curry Man starts dancing! Hemme, of course, is unable to resist, and starts dancing, too -- Rave grabs Curry Man and puts him away with "The Move That Rocked The World" which is the new name for the Ghanarea -- Wikipedia says it's a "swinging leg hook fireman's carry slam."
These guys -- minus Petey, and plus Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal, Kaz, and the Motor City Machine Guns -- are going to participate in the TerrorDome match at Sacrifice. It's a domed cage match -- at the center of the dome is a small hole, and the first guy out is the winner, and becomes the #1 contender for the X Division title. I think it sucks that, say, Lance Hoyt or Rellik are not in this match.
Yay, Crystal's back! All of the Knockouts are in Cornette's office and Cornette sets up a "Shears on a Pole" match for them -- whoever gets the shears down gets immunity from a head-shaving at Sacrifice.
Cornette also makes a joke about how a lot of them have experience "hangin' off poles." Goddammit, these aren't DIVAS, these are KNOCKOUTS. That means you RESPECT THEIR ATHLETIC ABILITY and you do NOT imply that THEY ARE ALL STRIPPERS. I realize that it must be hard to do something different with a Women's Division, but at least TRY to follow through.
Christian Cage and Rhino are talking with Jeremy Borash about the upcoming Deuces Wild tournament. Team 3D shows up and declare themselves the favorites. They fight! LAX SHOWS UP AND KILLS THEM ALL! Ah ha ha!
Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim vs. Christy Hemme vs. ODB vs. Salinas vs. Jacqueline vs. Traci Brooks vs. Roxxi Laveaux: Oh, even though Rhaka Khan is in the graphics for the upcoming Sacrifice match, she's not involved here -- has she been pulled as punishment for not wanting to sign her trading cards?
This is all schmozzy but is actually a lot of fun. Traci Brooks, again, is way more of a bump machine than you think she is, taking a big German suplex from Jacqueline and then a fallaway slam off the second rope from ODB. They also do the big tower spot, with the Beautiful People powerbombing ODB and Kim off the second rope while Hemme is superplexed off the top. Gail wins after ODB Electric Chairs Jacqueline.
Sting vs. James Storm: No DQ. There's a ref bump partway through, which allows Jacqueline to come down and slip a steel chair into the ring and -- wait, why did she have to wait for the ref bump? IT'S NO DQ. She could have driven a dump truck straight from the chair factory to ringside, in full view of the ref, and poured a load of chairs on Sting's head! ARRGGHHHH
Anyway Sting kicks out of a chair shot to the head and then Death Drops Storm -- but he's not done! He lays the helpless Storm against a table and Stinger Splashes him -- and another Death Drop -- and the pin. Thanks for putting over the young folk, Sting.
Jim Cornette pulls another two names for the -- remember -- RANDOMLY determined tag partners for the Deuces Wild tournament. Everyone gets entrances AGAIN. It's Matt Morgan and...Kip James! The man Morgan has been feuding with! WHAT ARE THE ODDS! They brawl! Oh, wait -- they have a match. Morgan wins with a kick to Kip's head.
Okay, this means that Booker T will almost certainly team up with Robert Roode (the man Booker has been feuding with! WHAT ARE THE ODDS!) and Amazing Kong gets...aw, crap, BG James. Well, I WAS interested in this tournament...
Scott Steiner and Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash: Steiner and Angle get a long sequence beating up on Nash -- I started to wonder what the point was, since it's in both Steiner's and Angle's interest to do as much damage as possible to Samoa Joe, not Nash; Mike Tenay and Don West bring this up, to their credit I guess, and suggest that they're beating Nash down so that he has no choice but to tag out and then they can beat up Joe.
This plan is futile, because when Joe finally gets in, he THROWS both Angle and Steiner around -- awesome! -- but finally Steiner hits Nash with his steel pipe and Angle hits Nash with the Angle Slam (I think -- it wasn't a very good one). Steiner "steals" the pin from Angle (I'm not actually sure who was legal at this point) and Angle gets mad and puts Steiner in the Angle Lock.
And so yeah. Next up: Sacrifice!
Last 5 movies seen: The Brave One *** - Paddle to the Sea ***1/2 - 27 Dresses **1/2 - Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1955) ***1/2 - The Undying Monster **1/2
Ok, so we've literally had every single team in the tag tournament tease dissension at one point or another...except for LAX, which is a huge red flag. I'm guessing Hector turns on them at the PPV. One way or another, though, they won't be winning.
That stripper joke really irked me also, because it shows that TNA has absolutely no sense of subtlety. That entire segment also might as well have had a giant sign that said "VINCE RUSSO WROTE THIS SEGMENT!" Anyway, I hope I wasn't the only one who took the high road and thought of a Sid Vicious joke upon thinking of "scissors".
I would look forward to the main event Sunday, but when you throw in Rick Steiner in the crowd, Frank Trigg on commentary, and Kevin Nash doing everything short of coming right out and telling Joe "Hey Joe, I want your belt and am gonna turn heel to get it!", I smell a clusterfuck coming along.
Did anyone know there's a PPV Sunday? Will YOU be buying based on tonight's show that had more time devoted to ring entrances than actual wrestling? What an abomination.
I kinda want BG to team up with Kong, just because I think it would be fun.
Jimmy Rave's the Move That Rocked the World, well rocked mine as I don't think he's won a match in TNA yet and I remember him using a Pedigree in ROH when I was watching.
I find it funny that they didn't even try to pretend the drawing was random by having both sets of teams thus far draw the guy they're feuding with.
That on a pole match was more fun than it had any right to be and these ladies bump like madwomen. I wonder if TNA will treat their bald woman better than WWE did Molly. ***tasteless comment warning*** Angelina Love can climb my pole anytime. I'd take any of them, even OBD. ***End of tasteless comment.
Cena can't be beat because he's some unholy genetic recombinate of superstars past. I mean, you might as well call him John "Realest of the Real, Sargent Rock - Cold - A - Mania" Cena.
I actually like the idea of Kong teaming up with BG. Out of the choices available I think they make the most humorous pairing. Well, maybe except for Booker T's bug-eyed reaction if he was paired up with Kong.
So I guess the burning question is no longer who will randomly be drawn to tag together and instead it is which one of the feuding pairs is winning the tag titles (because one of them is definitely winning.) Heck the way TNA is going I wouldn't be surprised if all the established tag teams break up and all the feuding teams become permanent partners.
All of Scott Steiner's TNA promos sounds like they've been written by Hot Newz anyway. He cut one about Samoa Joe a few weeks back that descended so far into gibberish by the end it sounded like he was saying "Joe, you're HALF BREAD".