The past fortnight's episodes have been about Feast or Fired. The match has returned, just in time to say goodbye to one of the many departing wrestlers.
Things kick off with …Jeremy Borash… hyping everyone up for Feast or Fired. With potential co-winner Jeremy Borash are Ethan Carter III, the Cult of Lee, KM, Tyrus, Petey Williams, MOOSE, some Mexican(Indian?) guy, and some Asian guy.
Given how many guys who have contracts which have already expired, they probably just should have done Apocalypto II, only blown the volcano up this time.
1. Sami Callahan (w/ OVE) v. Fallah Bahh Please feed Captain Green to Fallah Bahh. During the match Sonjay reminices about not being fired after his past Feast or Fired matches. Rather, he later got fired for other reasons. Awkward! Winner: Sami Callahan
Afterwards OVE are going to use the bat on Fallah Bahh. Eddie Edwards runs in for the save. Edwards is not blinded, but he has a gnarly bruise right below his eye from Captain Green's botched bat shot.
Flashback video is Feast or Fired (2008? – The one with Curry Man)
The blonde interview girl McKenzie Mitchell is interviewing Austin Aries about his new book on being a vegan, Food Fight. Alberto El Patron interrupts. Godbless this smarmy egomaniac. Again Patron makes a good point that he was screwed out of the title, having been stripped of it not once, but twice last year.
Alberto offers Austin a present of meat. Austin is, nah, I have a banana. His vegan gimmick explains the banana. This whole segment would be a lot funnier if it turns out that Alberto honestly wasn’t aware that Austin is a vegan.
Austin does accept the wine offer, so lets pretend the segment ended amicably.
Kira(? Redheaded black girl) sucks up to Allie. But BRAXTON also sucks up to Allie. Allie isn’t having it.
Jimmy Jacobs and Kongo Kong are in the ring for an interview. They call out Abyss, but get Father James Mitchell instead. The announcers claim he’s the only man to ever be able to control Abyss. (Presumably the NWA champion, Immortal leader Hulk Hogan, and Revolution leader James Storm, etc are no longer canon.)
Longstory short Abyss is back, and there will be a Monsters Brawl next week.
Hype video to remind us who Taya Valkyrie (dame ineligible to travel to Canada) is.
2. Rosemary v. Taya Valkyrie Winner: Double Count Out
Eli Drake is on the phone with his bro Chris Adonis, wanting to know where he is. Adonis decided to skip coming to the arena this week, due to being afraid of the FoF match. Drake is pissed to have to go it alone in the match, so fires his partner (manager? henchman?) for being a Dummy. Yeah. To be fair, would Drake have been able to continue to afford to keep Adonis around now that he no longer has the champion's purse? I'm skeptical. Alas, with GFW gone, presumably Adonis's contract would have run out either way.
ECIII cuts a promo that can be read as either promising to become a EC 3 time champion, or to hop to NXT.
Bobby Lashley is irked at Brian Cage for Cage not shaking his hand last week.
Matt Sydal's spirit guide turns out to be Josh Matthews. (Not the random foreign girl who turned Lashley heel and caused Bro-Man drama a few years ago, who also went by Guru.) Sydal awards Josh the now pointless Grand Championship. Presumably its champions purse budget was also cut due to GFW leaving, or Commissioner Music Guy leaving. Or perhaps you don't get a double champions purse budget if you're a dual champion. Makes sense to disincentive collecting more than one belt at a time, which makes booking awkward.
Sydal is happy enough with one title: The X title that he won last week. Matt repays Sydal by giving him a psychedelic tiger mask -- Sydal's spirit animal.
During the next match Josh rejoined Sonjay Dutt on commentary. Sonjay was pissed at Josh for returning to his heel ways, and for pretending that he didn't know who Sydal's guru was for the past few weeks. Josh promised to behave himself on commentary.
3. Feast or Fired Winners: Eli Drake, Petey Williams, Ethan Carter III, and MOOSE
Recap of last week’s show. Eli Drake, Moose, Petey Williams, and Ethan Carter III (wearing shirt saying property of Impact Wrestling) arrive at the arena with their cases. We find out who gets titleshots, and who gets fired tonight.
Alberto El Patron enters the ring. He calls out his opponent for the next PPV on April 22nd, Redemption, the champion Austin Aries. Still can’t believe they’re actually having a hyped PPV for once. Boring segment.
1. Fallah Bahh v. Trevor Lee (w/Caleb Konley) Winner: Trevor Lee
Meanwhile creepy OVE is stalking Eddie Edwards’ wife.
2. Some guy from India (Rohit Raju?) v. Matt Sydal (w/Josh Matthews)
The Indian guy is from the Desi Hitsquad that debuted on the most recent One Night Only PPV. Both Sydal and Matthews wear their championship belts. According to ProWrestling.net, Rohit Raju is actually Global Forge winner Hakim Zane.
Winner: Matt Sydal
3. Sienna v. Allie Winner Allie
Afterwards Braxton comes out and declares his love. For Laurel by accident, then corrects himself and proposes marriage to Allie. Allie isn’t feeling it, so some undead bride Su Yung shows up and attacks Allie. Braxton is stunned. Braxton is aroused by this new femme fetale.
ECIII is again being interviewed by Blonde Interviewer Girl. He has case #3. Fitting. He tries to cut the same promo from last week that would either work as him getting a titleshot, or a future titleshot on NXT. However, the roster isn’t having it. He is repeatedly interrupted by Tyrus, MOOSE, Richard Justice, Fallah Bahh, Taiji Ishimori, and Johnny Impact who each emphasize that Ethan’s gone, and that they look forward to the NeXT phase of his career. Will Ethan soon to be Making The Rain Fall? Is he due to join the nexus of fun? We will find out tonight.
Also Lashley nods, and is basically like see you on the other side bro.
Flashback video has Foley in a match with Stevie Richards as a referee. This was back when Richards was Abyss’s therapist. Richards is rooting for Foley. This was a fun era of TNA. I started watching Impact regularly shortly after this match took place.
Zombie Hotness Daffney still exists at this point in time. Daffney throws Mick a tazer. Abyss kicks out of the tazer shot. After shenanigans, Abyss wins. Highlight was the camera missing Abyss throwing Daffney through a barbed wire table. In some regions this segment was cut due to the intensity of the old-school hardcore brawl.
Back in the present day, Eddie Edwards has headed back to the hotel to rescue Alisha from the green Ohio wrestlers. It turns out that Alisha was sleeping safely and fully clothed. Eddie leaves, and outside is OVE dude dressed as a maid. Eddie and Sami Callihan guy brawl until Alisha threatens to call the cops. Can we skip this stuff and go back to clips of Daffney, plz?
4. Monsters Ball: Kongo Kong (w/ Jimmy Jacobs) v. Abyss (w/ Father James Mitchell) Winner: Kongo Kong via throwing Abyss onto the barbed wire board and then frog splashing him
Feast or Fired Briefcase Reveals:
Jeremy Borash is the master of ceremonies. Hope he doesn’t stand too close to briefcase #3 when the nexus opens!
1. Eli Drake: Tag team titleshots. Shame he fired his bro adonnis. Drake is pissed.
2. Petey Williams: X titleshot. Yawn.
4. MOOSE opens his briefcase first, to reveal that this show was taped months ago apparently: He is getting a “Global Championship” match. For a second I assume this means that there was a briefcase switch putting in a Global Title (aka the Legends/TV/KOTM title). I'd forgotten that this summer GFW was calling the world title "Global".
That leaves the Fired briefcase. Time for farewell.
3. Breif nananana hey hey hey goodbye chants. Crowd doesn’t carry on for too long, because they are honestly sad to see Ethan go. The chants are quickly replaced with “please don’t go”. (Thus begins one of the most perfect segments in TNA history. If the crowd had done the ECIII arm wave, this walk down memory lane might have been number one.)
One last memorable round of Ethan's verbal volleys with the crowd.
Ethan Carter III claims that case #3 is not his, he hates the number 3, and its probably Taiji Ishimori’s case.
Jeremy Borash like a guy in a horror movie opening a door, opens the case instead. Does that mean Jeremy is fired?
We reminisce about the time Ethan shaved JB’s head. ECIII insults the concept of the FoF match, and says even a King of the Mountain match would have made more sense.
He’s carried the company on his gigantic perfectly symmetrical back for four years. He has the longest undefeated streak in Impact history. He’s beaten all living TNA hall of famers. (Are any deceased?) One-Two time world champion, heaving beaten Angle, and he’s won the world title series (over Hardy!). He is the Hardcore American Icon, he is the 1%er, the best guy here, there, anywhere.
He is a CARTER dammit, the company needs him. He is DIXIE’s nephew.
Thank you Ethan chants.
Ethan professionally bows out. Then decides that JB needs to join the fun up north. Beats JB down with the briefcase, rips off his Property of Impact shirt. The dude in the crowd who always attends shows in the Jeff Hardy Suit With Ethans' Face Everywhere From 2015 is pleased.
The random lucha monster fighting guy who saved Lashley a week or two ago heads out to the ring. He will be facing (retiring?) Lashley next week. But first, Brian Cage wants to retire Ethan! Brian hits Ethan with like one move. And that's all she wrote for the Carter family.
In my imagination I envision Ethan mouthing, "Forgive Me Spud, see you soon," but that probably didn't actually happen. It would have been fitting though.
This whole segment was a very classy way to say goodbye to Impact's primary franchise player over the past few years.
It was also fitting in that it brought Ethan full circle. In 2013, one of his earliest character building segments was Feast or Fired. There, even though Dixie was terrified by the risk of Ethan being fired (the board of directors had her hands tied, if he drew the Fired briefcase there would be nothing she could do about it), and even though Sting offered Ethan an out, Ethan made the bold choice to go through with the Feast or Fired case opening. At the time it was unclear if young Ethan was brave or foolhardy, but in hindsight it was the first step in a very well crafted slowburn babyface turn. Ethan Carter III was never afraid to take on the world.
TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT: KANE takes on - HEATH SLATER?! I don't think this will end well. ALSO TONIGHT: KOFI KINGSTON vs. MICHAEL McGILLICUTTY! Whoa! TITUS O'NEILL & DARREN YOUNG (presented by AW) vs. EPICO & PRIMO (with Rosa Mendes) is on SUPERSTARS!