The W
Views: 97612909
Main | FAQ | Search: Y! / G | Calendar | Color chart | Log in for more!
23.7.14 1659
The W - Random - I'm writing a book..please feedback it :)
This thread has 19 referrals leading to it
Register and log in to post!
Thread rated: 5.61
Pages: 1
(2000 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
User
Post (11 total)
Kevin Malton
Cotto








Since: 25.2.03
From: North Yorkshire, England.

Since last post: 3577 days
Last activity: 3370 days
AIM:  
#1 Posted on
Here is an excerpt of a book I am writing. It's not TOO long..please offer me any feedback.

“No wonder you’re stuck playing Inspector Clueso instead of doing proper bloody policing” bellowed Superintendent Royale. His dominating figure rose from his untidy oak desk as he walked towards his window. Superintendent Royale or Jim as he is affectionately (?) known due to his likeness in both appearance and manner to a character from a popular TV series, as well as his surname, gave off the aura that he had seen and done it all and probably had. Trout often thought that Dalzael would be a more apt nickname but kept this even from close work colleagues. He had learned a long time ago that jesting about your superiors, even light heartedly, was not a wise career move. Trout didn’t need reminding that he had screwed up before he had even begun with this one. It was now unlikely that he would gain entry to Williams’ flat under false pretences – another attempt like the last one would certainly arouse suspicions from the occupant. “Looks like a burglary is going to take place this evening” Royale said nonchalantly. It took Trout a few seconds to register what the Super was suggesting or rather ordering with that comment. Breaking the law to maintain the law was, Trout considered, in this instance, like telling a white lie to someone. Royale on the other hand saw himself as being the law so as such could bend, twist, manipulate and break it any way in which he desired, which was quite often. “Don’t tell me your little field trip today was for nothing,” asked Royale who already knew the answer. “I didn’t really have the opportunity to gain any further information, no Sir” replied Trout firmly. Although he was addressing an officer of a rank higher than his own and one he would most likely never reach, Trout was seasoned enough to know that it sometimes pays to be assertive. Act like you’ve failed and you are a failure was one of his fathers many isms that had stuck with him into adulthood. Channelling the spirit of his deceased father for courage, Trout ventured “If I may Sir, can I ask if this case is really a priority at the moment? I mean he hasn’t broken the law and doesn’t seem likely to do so and I do have two outstanding reports to complete.” Royale returned to his desk, sat in the black leather chair, let out a sigh and began, his brown eyes locking with Trout’s’ blue “Do you think I’d have you on this case, or there would be a case at all for that matter if there wasn’t anything else going on besides the fact that this loon likes to read other loons fantasies about the government on his computer in-between sleeping, eating and wanking?” Trout was used to not being in the full picture when it came to working with Royale but as always when it was revealed that Royale knew more than he had previously let on, he felt under valued. Motivating staff to Royale was allowing them to have a tea break. “Sure, it might be worthwhile finding out how far into this anarchy thing he’s got and whether he intends to kidnap the Prime Minister, in which case he should get our full support” dead panned Royale, which made Trout seriously wonder whether he was actually joking or not “but as always fish face, there’s more going on. William has an agent for that music he writes though God knows why as it’s all shite, that I’ve been trying to bring in for years. A little birdie, and I mean that quite literally, tells me Harry Harris has been dipping his fingers in all sorts, and I mean that quite literally too, with this William as his apprentice in training as it were” finished the Super. “I wasn’t aware of that Sir,” stated trout fairly obviously, “but why didn’t you tell me this in the first place?” “I’ll tell you what you need to know and when you need to know son, I can’t have you telling your mates down the Dog and Duck about your new big case and it gets back to flash Harry that we’re onto him can I?” Trout felt insulted despite realizing that that could not possibly be the real reason why he was initially kept in the dark. Besides, he didn’t discuss any aspect of his work with his few friends apart from the merits of the tidy blonde in Uniform, WPC Cartmel, and that was hardly a topic of national security. And where the fuck was the Dog and Duck?

The tidy blonde in uniform, Jessica Cartmel, was applying the finishing touches to her hair in her hallway mirror. It was a natural dark blonde that complimented her round and tanned face. The tan was from a sun bed and the round face passed down from her mother, though Chinese take aways didn’t help matters. Although she was not jaw droppingly beautiful, she was pretty enough to be correctly described as a tidy blonde, with an ample chest and long smooth legs swinging the vote in her favour. Since leaving college two years ago, in her hometown of Darlington where she gained a well earned but not entirely valuable qualification in sociology, Jessica had tried her luck in the Army but had failed her fitness tests during training, which she did on purpose. Shortly after arriving at her training regiment she realized that it wasn’t a career she wanted or was it quite the career promised in the recruiting office. Instead of working in a command room with a huge screen of the world in front of her and liasing with the Americans on how best to deal with the imminent Russian attack, she had found herself waking up in a freezing field in the middle of Catterick whilst her instructor was wanking over her while she slept. She probably could have passed with flying colours there and then by bending over and thinking of England but instead punched him in the goolies before rolling over and pretending to go back to sleep. In the morning her instructor had been medically evacuated from the training area (attacked by a fox in the night was the apparent reason) and replaced with someone else but by then she had made up her mind to leave, except she couldn’t. She had signed up for two years service and the only way to get out was to suffer a serious injury making her unable to continue a career in the Army or to be so unfit and undisciplined that the army wouldn’t want her to complete her training let alone pass out. Over the next two weeks Private Cartmel finished an hour behind everyone else on endurance runs, rarely ironed her kit claiming she just couldn’t do it properly, had to pull out of the assault course due to “women’s trouble” and fell asleep whilst on guard duty. She played up to the dizzy blonde stereotype to its fullest and in the end the Commanding Officer cut her loose having grown frustrated with her actions. Back at home in Darlington Jessica worked for a while in a small office whilst managing to hold down a bed sit before the local paper revealed her step-father, once a professional footballer with the towns football club, was into child porn and had been arrested in a dawn raid. Whilst Jessica was never a victim of any abuse (she was too old at 15 by the time he came on the scene and he got his kicks from looking at pictures not actually committing the acts) her work colleagues, neighbours and friends all decided she had to have been abused and that she was somehow to blame for the suffering of her step fathers ‘victims’ because she didn’t report him to the police once she reached adulthood. At twenty years of age it was time to get away from the town that she grew up in for good and as the Army was not an option she decided on the Metropolitan Police. Having passed the fitness and intelligence tests fairly easily, the training centre was a little harder but nothing more than a challenge to be overcome. The thought of returning to the shame, whispers and blatant abuse that waited for her in Darlington was enough to motivate her when she felt she couldn’t go on. By the time WPC Cartmel graduated from the training centre she was a changed woman. More alert, fitter, stronger and confident than she ever dreamed possible, the world was at her feet. Now it was time to catch some criminals, investigate, arrest, and go undercover. She spent her first day with South London Police making Superintendent Royale cups of tea, the second day shredding out of date files and the third reading the necessary station rules and regulations. This, her fourth day on the job, was going to be when she got to do some real policing she was promised and not be a tea girl for CID. Looking at her watch, it was 12.50pm. She had ten minutes to report for her shift at the station.





http://www.wrestlerevolt.cjb.net - Pro Wrestling forums
Promote this thread!
vsp
Andouille








Since: 3.1.02
From: Philly

Since last post: 2942 days
Last activity: 155 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.00
Paragraphs are not your enemy. Paragraphs are your friend. Paragraphs improve readability, make their own gravy and cure cancer. Try some today!





"There were times when I intensely wanted to walk out of the theater and into the fresh air and look at the sky and buy an apple and sigh for our civilization, but I stuck it out." -- Roger Ebert
pieman
As young as
he feels








Since: 11.12.01
From: China, Maine

Since last post: 4 hours
Last activity: 4 hours
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.21

Sad to say your credibility as a writer was totally shot by misspelling Inspector CLOUSEAU in the very first line. That was so off putting to me that I stopped reading immediately.




Gabba Gabba Hey!


Barbwire Mike
Boudin rouge








Since: 6.11.03
From: Dudleyville

Since last post: 3208 days
Last activity: 3201 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.35
    Originally posted by pieman
    Sad to say your credibility as a writer was totally shot by misspelling Inspector CLOUSEAU in the very first line. That was so off putting to me that I stopped reading immediately.
My words exactly.



Lethalwrestling.com: If you don't read us, you're probably gay
DMC
Liverwurst








Since: 8.1.02
From: Modesto, CA

Since last post: 3383 days
Last activity: 3377 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.37
You need commas between the ends of your quotes and the quotation marks.

DMC

(edited by DMC on 17.12.03 1451)


Yeah, yeah, yeah, jungle love, oh!
I think I wanna know ya (know ya)
Jungle love
Girl, I... I think I wanna, I think I wanna file my nails (Show ya)

Hey Jesse
N..now Jerome, yes!
Check it out!
JayJayDean
Scrapple








Since: 2.1.02
From: Seattle, WA

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 29 min.
AIM:  
Y!:
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.21
    Originally posted by Barbwire Mike
      Originally posted by pieman
      Sad to say your credibility as a writer was totally shot by misspelling Inspector CLOUSEAU in the very first line. That was so off putting to me that I stopped reading immediately.
    My words exactly.


Mine too. (Since you wanted honest feedback I don't feel I'm piling on here.)



“To get ass, you’ve got to bring ass." -- Roy Jones Jr.

"Your input has been noted.
I hope you don't take it personally if I disregard it." -- Guru Zim
Kevin Malton
Cotto








Since: 25.2.03
From: North Yorkshire, England.

Since last post: 3577 days
Last activity: 3370 days
AIM:  
#7 Posted on
I appreciate any comments that are made. In my defence, it's nowhere near a finished version - there are grammitical errors all over the place. I am more looking towards comments on the actual story not how well (or poorly) I write. Thanks to everyone who has commented thus far.





http://www.wrestlerevolt.cjb.net - Pro Wrestling forums
Barbwire Mike
Boudin rouge








Since: 6.11.03
From: Dudleyville

Since last post: 3208 days
Last activity: 3201 days
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.35
    Originally posted by Kevin Malton
    I appreciate any comments that are made. In my defence, it's nowhere near a finished version - there are grammitical errors all over the place. I am more looking towards comments on the actual story not how well (or poorly) I write. Thanks to everyone who has commented thus far.


Seriously dude, I got respect for anyone who takes the time to write a book (Lord knows I've tried... just don't have the attention span). But without cleaning it up before putting parts of it out there it's pretty much the same thing as haphazzardly cutting together a bunch of dailies and then asking what people thought of the movie trailer.

I realize that the editing is for the final draft, but if you want people to judge it based on nothing more than a snippet you do want to at least polish that section first. Right now it looks like a blog entry with slightly better grammar, and anyone who sees that is going to have trouble looking past it to even process the story itself.



Lethalwrestling.com: If you don't read us, you're probably gay
emma
Cherries > Peaches








Since: 1.8.02
From: Phoenix-ish

Since last post: 119 days
Last activity: 17 hours
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 8.47
[edit: Oops, Mike snuck in ahead of me. I completely agree with him. My "It doesn't work that way" refers to the previous post, seeking grammar clemency. :-) ]

1) Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Whether the medium is the message or not, the medium is definitely part of the message. You've got to get much closer on the grammar, the phrasing, & the pace before we can get a feel for where you're going. Paragraphs, sentence length & language choice are all part of that.

2) It's very "dense" writing -- even by short story standards, you've got a lot of information explicitly piled into 1500 words. That density at novel length would not fly.

3) Even for expository & background sections, you need to "show" the reader, not just "tell" the reader.

4) Is it part of your personal idiom to use "wank" in each paragraph? :-)

5) Sorry, but we can't comment on the "actual story" yet. You've introduced us to 2 primary characters & one secondary, but as far as "what's happening in the story", she's fixed her hair, & he's had a brief meeting with his superior. Might they be interesting characters? Mebbee. Are they going to do anything interesting? Dunno.

(edited by emma on 17.12.03 1559)
DMC
Liverwurst








Since: 8.1.02
From: Modesto, CA

Since last post: 3383 days
Last activity: 3377 days
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.37
Everyone else might think this is lame, but I actually like getting some minor inspiration and hints about writing from "writers movies." *Throw Mama From the Train* is one of my favorites (having good endings, good beginnings), *Wonder Boys* too ("know where you want to go"). I've heard *Finding Forrester* is a good writers movie too, but I have yet to see it. Yes these movies over-romanticize writing and present a lot of stereotypes, but I think they are fun and at the very least can inspire you to write well, even though the movies are not first and foremost about writing.

DMC



Yeah, yeah, yeah, jungle love, oh!
I think I wanna know ya (know ya)
Jungle love
Girl, I... I think I wanna, I think I wanna file my nails (Show ya)

Hey Jesse
N..now Jerome, yes!
Check it out!
Kevin Malton
Cotto








Since: 25.2.03
From: North Yorkshire, England.

Since last post: 3577 days
Last activity: 3370 days
AIM:  
#11 Posted on
Thank you Emma you've raised some very interesting points that I need to look at. That's exactly what i'm after





http://www.wrestlerevolt.cjb.net - Pro Wrestling forums
Thread rated: 5.61
Pages: 1
Thread ahead: Justice League - Season 2 Highlights
Next thread: 25,000 ton amphibious spam relay
Previous thread: Boots for thin calves
(2000 newer) Next thread | Previous thread
Does this only affect XP users? I'm still running 98... That being said, I think I'm gonna reinstall Mozilla. Is the email client easy to find? Edit:
- Whitebacon, Potentially Devastating IE Bug (2004)
The W - Random - I'm writing a book..please feedback it :)Register and log in to post!

The W™ message board

ZimBoard
©2001-2014 Brothers Zim

This old hunk of junk rendered your page in 0.154 seconds.