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The W - Guest Columns - If You Want a RAW Satire, Then Come Along with Me (11/1/04)
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Since: 19.1.02
From: Minnesota

Since last post: 806 days
Last activity: 674 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.73
Last Week: Eric Bischoff put the inmates in charge of the asylum, which allowed The Joker to escape for a record 881st time. Randy Orton organized a locker room mutiny, but it STILL wasn’t enough to get Ric Flair to fall over. And Maven got a huge push…woah…MAVEN?! What the hell…maybe that’ll be fixed…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

What? No full PPV match, this time? Damn. I was looking forward to the wonder of Stevie Richards/Tyson Tomko.

Eugene v. Abe Orton
In a Hardcore Baby Match

Don’t bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show, however, because we’re starting with a MATCH~! William Regal tries desperately to convince the Eugster that there’s absolutely no workrate going on in these hardcore things, but the Internet LOVES Mick Foley so Eugene runs out to the ring. Abe brings out a baby stroller filled with rubber babies with pullies in the middle. He starts the match by eating one. Eugene tries to work some restholds to start, but Abe hits him with a sign that says “Babies for Sale”. I used to have one of those. Eugene makes a huge comeback by weeping steadily at the camera for the loss of one of the great heros of professional wrestling, Test. But that’s uh…not enough to beat Abe. Before Abe can hit Eugene with the “Fatass Internet Jerkoff at Work” sign, William Regal comes out and threatens to be British. Orton bails.

Hey, Hey, Hey! It’s Triple H!

HHH: Last week sucked, dudes, first of all these stupid little sucky wrestlers ganged up on me and made me fall over so it looked like Randy Orton beat me, then Nibblins horked up a hairball all over my brand new pair of shiny silver trunks, and then to top that all off, Ric Flair chopped my ficus to death after having a 45 minute conversation with it about the Persian Gulf, and man, I just don’t know what to do about it, so in deference to what should be the best Monday Night Football game ever, I’m going to allow the ratings to plummet just this one week and allow for this to be my one appearance on the show. Have a good night, kids.


Diva Search…The Magazine? Well…yeah why not.

Wait…no. Why?

Speaking of the Diva Search, here’s Diva Search Loser Josh Matthews to interview Tajiri…who was chosen as the voice of the RAW locker room.

JM: Josh Matthews here, backstage with RAW Superstar Tajiri. Tajiri, why would you, someone with only the basest grasp of the English language be chosen as the “voice of the Raw Locker Room”?
VotRLR: What?
JM: See, this is what I mean. You’re not going to be able to verbalize what they want you to say.
VotRLR: America is a OK.
JM: Seriously, man, did you get anything they asked you to tell me?
VotRLR: You are the…hot girl.
JM: Oh for God’s sake.
Voice of the Undertaker: This is all wrong. A guy who only knows, like three words of English is NOT going to be to advance the plot! This is going to expose the business!!
JM: You’re telling me. Nobody in their right mind would have picked this guy to be voice of the Undertaker.
VotU: What?!
JM: I mean…Locker room…Locker room….

The Voice of the Undertaker throws Josh Matthews through a wall.

VotRLR: Man. We’re sick and tired of Triple H holding our asses down.
VotU: Damn straight.
RF: Undertaker’s Voice, look out! I’ve got something to say.
VotU: Ok, my work here is done.
RF: TAJIRI! TAJIRI!! I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOOO!
VotRLR: Oh yeah, well, I think YOU’RE OLD!!
RF: You didn’t just go there, fat boy! I was going to be nice, but now….

Dave Davidson nails the OSPREY BOMB TO TAJIRI~!

Now Flair and Dave are in the ring. Woah…how’d that happen?!

RF: Honestly, dude. I don’t know how some people get away with this crap. How in the HELL are Tajiri and Mav BY GOD En getting screen time above the Nature BOY and WOO the biggest AARP member in the game, Batista?
DBD: Perhaps he’s sleeping with STEPHANIE?!
RF: No, no. That’s OUR guy.

Here’s Eric Bischoff to say some other stuff…damn he’s old….

EB: The combined age contained in this ring is 1,453 years.
EB: I’m tired. So, instead of booking any RAWs after Survivor Series, I’m going to hide in a hole and drink Captain Morgan. So, in that effect, I’m just going to let the winner of the Survivor Series match pick the matches. Uh…So yeah. The match will be: Jericho/Benoit/Maven/Orton v. HHH/Dave/Edge/Flair….

RF: No, no, no. I’m gonna take some time off to go drinking with you. WOO!
EB: Err…Abe Orton?

The crowd is stunned into silence, and I can’t agree more. Now wait just a second. WWE. You mean to tell me that MAVEN or ABE ORTON will be getting to book RAWs? Come on, man. That’s just not even nearly right. Wait! This just in!!! FROM THE FUTURE~!:

Internal WWE Memo:

Dear Staffers, here is RAW GM Maven’s proposed line-up for this week’s RAW:

Segment One: 20 Minute Interview By Kurt Angle About How Bald is Beautiful
Segment Two: Video Retrospective: Maven on Heat
Segment Three: Stevie Richards v. Val Venis…maybe?
Segment Four: Nothin’ But Recaps
Segment Five: Uh…Monday Night Football Recap?
Segment Six: Introduction of New Character: Stone Cold Maven Huffman.
Segment Seven: Another Match…Uh…Chris Tian v. Oh…geez…I only know people from Heat. A-Train? Oh…snap. Chuck Palumbo, then.
Segment Eight: Maven v. Stacy Keibler: Hands in Each Other’s Pants Match.

Thank you,
-The Management

I shudder to think what Abe’s RAW would be like.

Segment One: Kill Babies.
Segment Two: ABE ORTON PROMO~!
Segment Three: Hahaha…You never thought I’d Last THIS Long Did You Video Package
Segment Four: A loving Tribute to Test.
Segment Five: Repeat….



The Hurricane v. Chris Tian

Stand back, there’s a match going on. One guy who doesn’t stand back is Edge, who comes out to stand around. Kane never would have stood for this. That’s one reason this show needs more Kane. Edge gets on the mic and talks about his new book during this match. What is he, 29? Wow. I should get started on my autobiography. One day…I…uh…ate a Swiss Cake Roll and…wow…I’m spent. Edge talking is WAY more interesting than this match. It’s not even really that interesting either. Feh. Edge leaves, and I guess Chris Tian won the match because now he’s arguing with Shelton Benjamin about…wrestling. Wow. They still do that on this show. Mable comes out and sits on everyone to end the segment. I swear they missed a goldmine when they didn’t shoot for the Mable/Cena feud.


Edge is backstage with my best friend and yours, Todd Grisham….

TG: Todd Grisham here with Edge. Edge, say something normal.
EG: Can a girl get a salad?
CB: I’m here to drop off your goddamn tag team title belt.
EG: What? I thought you were defending those by yourself now.
CB: Listen, these are an absolute BITCH to get through airport security, and I’m tired of answering questions about whether or not I really need two title belts. So I’m dumping one off on your sorry ass.
EG: Well, whatever, man. I’ll see you later.
TG: That was refreshingly normal.

The floor under Todd gives way and he is swallowed into a swirling vortex.

Maven barges into Evolution’s locker room….

MV: What’s up bitches? Maven’s taking over this place.
RF: What?
SA: What?
MV: That’s right. And now that I’ve got some power, I’m going hardcore gansta. Biatch.
DBD: You are STUPID!
RF: Yeah. WOO! Let’s take him out, Dave.
MV: Oh, I don’t THINK so, punks.

Randy Orton and Chris Jericho materialize behind Maven.

MV: What now, punks?
RF: What?
SA: What?
CJ: Nothin’. We just came to watch Maven get beaten up.
RO: Bring the popcorn, bro?
CJ: You know it. And I’ll bring it up your ass if you don’t stop calling me that.

Maven runs off.


Nova is in the ring making fun of the crowd. He’s no Muffy, I’ll give him that. Poor, Muffy. Thank God Nova invented wrestling angles or this whole thing would suck. He calls out for someone from the crowd.

NV: Hey! You! Fatty in the third row.
RVD: Duuuuude…I think he’s talking to you.
TD: Who? Me?
NV: Yes. You.
TD: Couldn’t be.
NV: Listen, it’s pretty friggin’ obvious your hand has been all OVER the cookie jar. Get in the friggin’ ring, Tommy.

Rob runs off while Tommy gets into the ring.

NV: Let me let you in on a little secret. We all use steroids. In fact, here’s a table FULL of them. These are Jamie Knoble’s, as a matter of fact. You should see Trip….
TD: He’s exposing the business! KAYFABE FAYFABE!!!

Tommy knocks over the table and begins caning Nova.

TD: How DARE you bring things like this into Shane’s father’s house?!
NV: He gave them to me….
TD: Killing you would be HARDCORE! But I’m retired and you’re not. So, you go over.

Nova hits him with the Kryptonite Crunch.


Lawler fingers his Juice Box until it squirts all over him. Hey! Rikishi!

La Resistance v. Chris Benoit and Edge
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

This may very well be the only tag team title match the WWE ever runs from a few months ago on. Just keep on going with this one. Edge spends most of the match on a mic giving the play by play of what’s happening underneath the ring. “There are some tables down here…a pack of Certs…some rope maybe…possibly a snake….” Benoit tries valiantly to defend the tag team titles, but it’s La Resistance’s weekly time to win the titles.


Reverse the Curse, Chris! But, alas, it was not to be. Edge comes in and looks around and then leaves again. Benoit is super mega ultra pissed, because Edge totally should have seen Grenier half asleep in the corner or Conway combing his ear hair. After Benoit is overwhelmed and loses the tag titles, Edge returns to the ring to yell at Benoit for losing the tag titles yet again. Then Edge puts Benoit in a Crossface that…well…it made Sid cry all the way from Softball camp.


A new WWE: The Music! I can’t wait! I finally get that A-Trai…NO!!!!

Bischoff and Coach are making a fort out of rum bottles.

RF: Stop building that fort and let me talk to those bottles, dammit!!
EB: No. Go have your match.
RF: HHH isn’t here though! Can’t we find another partner.
EB: Like who?
DBD: How about ME?!
RF: You’re already WOO on the team!
DBD: How about Kurt ANGLE?!
RF: Wrong show.
SR: How about Stevie Richards?!
SR: Oh…sigh….

Hey! Arabs! This is Mohammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari….

MH: Yo. What’s up homies. I love me some hos.
KD: Allow me to translate. What he said was: “Yo, Joe.”
MH: What bes happenin’ my homies?
KD: Uh…”I hope we get back to OVW soon.”
MH: I may be Arab-American, but I don’t want any special treatment.
KD: “Except to be treated not sucky.”
MH: Now my main man will break it down for you in Arabic.
KD: “We’re changing our gimmick to be Amish, the OTHER misunderstood religion.”
MH: Chickens.


Shelton Benjamin v. Mabel

Shelton gets sat on for a good portion of the match. You’d THINK that this counts as a pinfall, but you’d be wrong, because the ref can’t see whether or not Shelton’s shoulders are down. They’re surrounded in globs of fat. Chris Tian walks out to get himself a better look. Mistaking Tian for a snack sized cookie, Mabel leaves the ring and gets counted out. Shelton wins! This non-title contest! Tian is PISSED that he spent all that money buying Big Vis from JBL. Money he could have spent reminding the WWE that he was once involved with Trish.


Trish Stratus intros this video package of Lita Lowlights. Essa Rios! The Hardy Boyz! Dean Malenko! Eddie Guererro! Matt Hardy! Kane! Lita Real Dolls! Chicken! X-Pac! Wow…Lita sure has had a crappy career. And the sucky thing is, she STILL makes about fourty times as much as me. Probably more than you too. Ha! Eat it Web columnists!!

Lita runs out and starts trying to forcibly do Trish’s hair, but Trish isn’t having any of that, so she has Gail Kim run out and hold Lita down long enough for the time allotted for this segment to run out.

Smackdown YOUR vote.

Me? Oh, I’m voting all right. Voting for Chuck Palumbo!

Chris Jericho, Maven, and Randy Orton v. Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

It’s Main Event Tyme! The faces and Evolution take turns beating up on Maven until their arms get tired. As Maven tries to make his escape, HHH’s music starts up. But he promised that he was taking the night off! Come on! Oh, wait…it’s just Tajiri in his hilarious HHH costume! Silly, Tajiri, Halloween was yesterday!! Tajiri is sad that nobody told him that. Batista is so shocked by the development that his best friend and boss is actually a tiny little man in disguise that he falls over. Orton wins, and despite what OTHER Internet Wrestletologists will tell you, the crowd LOVES it. The announce team wonders whether or not this means anything, and the answer is, “Of course not.” In his anger, Dave throws Ric into the crowd where, surprisingly, he manages to grope Erin Anderson.

Next Week: Abe Orton plans out his RAW by buying all the babies on the lucrative WWE Baby market…Damn you, Foley! HHH returns only to find out that SOMEBODY has eaten all his London Broil…Damn you, Regal! Two wrestlers from Heat gain screen time by playing Smackdown v. RAW…Damn you…uh…THQ!!

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 23: Run, Lance, Run!

LS: Where’d those guys go anyway? We’re trying to follow the jade gopher and they’re off hanging out.
TD: Run, Lance, Run!
LS: Where the hell have you guys been?!
RVD: We were watching Living TV, dude.
TD: We were out in the crowd eating popcorn.
LS: But why are we running?!
TD: Nova is after us!! I kind of threw his steroids all over and hit him with a cane.
RVD: But then Tommy jobbed to him….
TD: Right, but then I snuck off with all his roids.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!
LS: I don’t like any of this at all.
NV: I’ll get you yet.


AT: I can’t believe they fired me. I’m AWESOME! I think this is racial discrimination,
I’ve gotta call Taker. He’s gonna be so pissed.
TT: Let’s face it, man. We might have been awesome, but we’re TOO awesome for the WWE. I’m going to TNA to team with my Coach Nash.
BG: I can team with Road Dogg!
RK: Leave him alone! He’s gettin’ Rowdy!
TEJ: Hey, guys. Come for the meeting?
BG: What meeting?
TEJ: The Unemployed WWE Workers Union?
AT: No. We’re all going to TNA to job to Jeff Jarrett.
TEJ: Waaaaaaaaaaaah!!
TT: Let’s get out of here.

They run off.

MT: Who was that?
TEJ: Nobody. Sniff. What do you care. You hate me! EVERYBODY HATES ME! WAAAAAAH!
MT: I was just wondering. Geez. Hey! Wait up.

Mountie chases after them, but Mantaur pops out of Albert’s back hair and gores him.

To Be Continued….

Tonight I wanna ruin my life,
I wanna throw it all away,
In a spectacular way
Promote this thread!
Texas Kelly
Lap cheong

Since: 3.1.02

Since last post: 258 days
Last activity: 20 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.27
    Originally posted by Excalibur05
    I shudder to think what Abe’s RAW would be like.

    Segment One: Kill Babies.
    Segment Two: ABE ORTON PROMO~!
    Segment Three: Hahaha... You never thought I’d Last THIS Long Did You Video Package
    Segment Four: A loving Tribute to Test.
    Segment Five: Repeat...



Refresh my memory: Why is he Abe Orton again?

(edited by Texas Kelly on 2.11.04 1439)

Stablewars Championship Wrestling
The Means Are Everything!

See Net Hack Slasher's smark/net attack Advisory System in action:
open the book of the hardcore legends
(And read some cool stuff too!)

Since: 9.1.03
From: VA

Since last post: 3531 days
Last activity: 3528 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.55
    Originally posted by Texas Kelly
      Originally posted by Excalibur05
      I shudder to think what Abe’s RAW would be like.

      Segment One: Kill Babies.
      Segment Two: ABE ORTON PROMO~!
      Segment Three: Hahaha... You never thought I’d Last THIS Long Did You Video Package
      Segment Four: A loving Tribute to Test.
      Segment Five: Repeat...



    Refresh my memory: Why is he Abe Orton again?

    (edited by Texas Kelly on 2.11.04 1439)

If you want to kill your baby while it's still in the womb, there's only one way to do it: Abe Orton (get it?)

Truth takes time
Net Hack Slasher

Since: 6.1.02
From: Outer reaches of your mind

Since last post: 4924 days
Last activity: 3344 days
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.07
hahahaha ^^^^ That is horrible! lol

Segment Seven: Another Match…Uh…Chris Tian v. Oh…geez…I only know people from Heat. A-Train? Oh…snap. Chuck Palumbo, then.

Hey kid, do me a favor and stop booking me in segments

Sincerely, Chucky P (and everyone on the roster)... Speaking of Kiss o' doom

Lita sure has had a crappy career. And the sucky thing is, she STILL makes about fourty times as much as me. Probably more than you too. Ha! Eat it Web columnists!!

Whatever you say Matt Hocking or should I say Matt Hardockingy.

smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
Mr. Boffo

Since: 24.3.02
From: Oshkosh, WI

Since last post: 1786 days
Last activity: 1746 days
#5 Posted on
Net Hack,
I just saw your sig. Has it only been two months? It seems like forever.

NOTE: The above post makes no sense. We apologize for the inconvenience.
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SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT WORKRATE REPORT – 01/04/04 by PHIL RIPPA Better crank this out before the end of Raw completely makes everyone forget what happened the week before. Oh yeah, I am thinking the shelf life on these reports is going to be very short.
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