Last week, Idol gave back to charity. This week, Idol gives back something else entirely. The music of Shania Twain! She’s still pretty attractive! Good for her! I can’t wait for Casey to sing “Feel Like a Woman!”
The contestants are out, and clearly Siobhan saved up all her crazy this week and just let it explode onto her outfit this week. I know Vote for the Worst has glommed onto her, but I was a big supporter of her insanity from the start. In your face, terrible website!
Anyway, everybody prattles on for a little bit, pretending to remember when Shania was one of the guest panelists in the Audition Round, which was, like, ten years ago. And Ryan gets all up in her grill about how he sings her songs in his shower, and she keeps cutting him off, which is awesome and finally he just throws to the video package. This…Is American Idol!
(Idol Drinking Game for Tonight: Drink every time somebody uses the exact same "moody lighting")
Lee DeWyze The Song: “You’re Still the One” Shania Twain Says: You want to play guitar? Too bad! The Performance: Lee’s tarted up like a drunk this week, which is a look that really works for him. He brought his guitar anyway, because…really. Screw you, Shania! He’ll do whatever he wants. Nobody is going to put Lee DeWyze in a corner. If it makes her feel any better, the only other instrument that I can hear is the piano, so that’s not so bad.
As for the performance, I’m really not sure what the hell this is. It starts off with some weird screeching, like he’s not sure what to do with it, then moves into a sort of pleasant (but not really) coffeehouse performance, and then finishes back with the screeching. At least the moody lighting is pleasant. Randy almost (!) but not quite articulates what I was trying to say, but gets lost in his patterned sweater and forgets what was going on. Everybody else is just riding the Lee Twain. The Judges Say: We all think you’re the one, Lee. Get it? Get it? I Say: Watching it back, it was still terrible, ok, terrible again. Sorry. Score: +3 Change: -1
Mike Lynche The Song: “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing” Shania Twain Says: You’ve got more than a good voice, right? The Performance: Of course he does! He’s got that Johnny Fairplay pose that he does all the time! And an endless supply of bomber jackets. And a gold medal that he has to share week to week with Ellen! He also apparently has Lee’s mood lighting. I wonder if that’s going to be the theme for the night. Red and white mood lighting week! That’s the theme!
So…I don’t even know if I’m qualified to comment on this. Because I don’t really care for the performance. It’s ok, and it sounds like what you might hear on a “drive time” radio station, but I don’t listen to drive time music, so I don’t know. It was better than Lee. Dig Shania’s friend singing the song next to her. That’s got to be annoying. Then again, if I was a musician, I’d probably hire somebody to follow me around and do that for a few hours a day, just to make me feel good. The Judges Say: You really connected to the song. Because that’s Kara’s catchphrase. Connected! And wet. I Say: I don’t get it, but as far as this genre goes, it was pretty good. Score: +3 Change: +1
Casey James The Song: “Don‘t” Shania Twain Says: Stop being so damn pretty. The Performance: Shania can’t help herself but sing backup vocals with Casey during his mentor session, which ends up being kind of weird. What is with the contestants sitting behind the judges this year? When, say, Chris Sligh did it, it was kind of cute. But now it’s just sort of annoying. It’s kind of fun to watch the people sitting there not knowing what to do, and Simon basically just blowing them off.
This sounds exactly what you would expect it to sound like. Not bad in that Bryan Adams sort of way. His voice is nice, his guitar playing is a lot better, and it’s all very airy and cutesy. Kara is still riding him (Ha!) as the frontrunner in the competition, but he’s not going to win. Simon tells him to make out with Shania for some reason. The Judges Say: Hey, that’s pretty good there, why don’t you come make out with a popstar. I Say: Once again, this isn’t really the kind of album I’d by, but he did a good job of it. Score: +4 Change: +1
Crystal Bowersox The Song: “No One Needs to Know” Shania Twain Says: Quit being so goddamn emo. The Performance: Crystal looks…Crazy. Like she raided Siobhan’s closet or something. Cowboy boots, a weird looking purple dress, basically every accessory humanly possible. Props to having a full hillbilly band on stage with her though. This looks straight out of VH1 Storytellers or something. Like, seriously. This could be one a performance on one of those shows. Especially with her crazy mic stand and carpet.
Vocally, this is not one of her best performances. There are a few crazy high notes that she doesn’t even bother trying to hit. I don’t know what her message to her boyfriend is supposed to be from this. “Buy me some throat coat?” The judges are as mean to her as they’ve been this year, “Um…We loved it less than we love puppies!” Simon attaches onto it like a rabid dog, and even takes a shot at Shania’s songwriting ability, which is always hilarious. Crystal’s boyfriend looks like kind of a dick. Maybe that’s the message. Stop being such a dick, and then you can marry me. The Judges Say: This is the week where we pretend you’re not going to win. I Say: The vibe was totally awesome. The singing? Not so much. Score: +6 Change: +/-0
Aaron Kelly The Song: “You‘ve Got a Way” Shania Twain Says: Quit being such a baby and hit the notes. The Performance: Randy, awesomely, is totally into Ryan’s sports themed segue, until Ryan forgets about it and Randy is sad. Aaron’s mentor package is basically entirely him looking shyly at a potted plant while Shania tries to capture him. It’s sort of endearing. Sort of. Aaron’s theme is sitting in the middle of his band while they play instruments introspectively at various spots on the stage. It’s like the world’s worst music video for an 80s nightclub band.
So Aaron spends most of the song mumbling quietly as he stares longingly at the microphone. I’m trying not to read too much into that. Mostly because I know a guy who married a microphone. Just saying. So, the theme for tonight is “songs that are popular that I completely do not understand.” He’s totally lame as hell, but everybody is going to love the hell out of this *because* he is lame as hell. The Judges Say: You’re so sweet. We can’t help but be in love with you! I Say: I’m long over his lameness, but everybody’s going to eat this up. Score: +1 Change: +1
Siobhan Magnus The Song: “Any Man of Mine” Shania Twain Says: You can do weird, but I need you to be CRAZY The Performance: Oh, believe me Shania, Siobhan can come out full on crazy at any time. Like, dig her post-coital hair, arsty tattoo collection, and outfit inspired by a tablecloth from a sushi restaurant that caters to children ages 5-8. And moon boots. I don’t care what anybody says, this girl gets it. You’re going to put her on TV? Be prepared to experience literally every portion of her bizarre imagination.
She’s mostly fixed all her vocal problems too, which is pretty impressive, she sounds more like an actual human being and less like the world’s greatest singing muppet (sorry Rolph!). She’s getting wicked feedback from that mic, though. She prances through the crowd for effect and inserts all her crazy vocal aerobics into the ending for no particular reason. That was pretty amazing. She’s the best. The Judges Say: Fantastic, but it kind of sounds like you’re giving birth up there. I Say: She is giving birth. To magic. Score:+4 Change: +1
Bottom Three: Michael Lynche, Crystal Bowersox, Casey James
It’s time for a “Bottom 3 Shocker.” Every season’s frontrunner has gone through that one horrible performance on theme week which lands their ass in the bottom three and scares them straight for the rest of the season. They need it. Hell, some of them even strategize as to what week it’s the most appropriate for them to better galvanize the fan base.
But no, there’s no way she’s going home. It’s not going to be that big of a shocker. And people are willing to go along with the Idol “Chosen One” thing for a long time before they start trying to buck the system. So, it’s honestly down to two guys who actually had really good weeks.
This is who Casey “is as an artist” but it’s not a terribly intriguing place to go. I don’t know how much people these days are really clamoring to buy “Eric Clapton Does Shania” unless it’s a gag DVD. But Mike is thrice doomed this week, being lost in the beginning of the show between the Lee and Casey storms, picking a really boring song, and doing sappy drive time music. So, I’m going to give another go at my prediction from last week and say Big Mike is going home.
Prediction: Michael Lynche
(edited by Excalibur05 on 28.4.10 1026) For NFL Power Rankings, My Blog and More, check out Hock Show Dot Com (hockshow.com)