What is the value of a man’s life? That’s a tough question to answer. Would I put one person’s life over another’s? Perhaps I would. If it came down to saving someone markedly important to me and saving a total stranger, I would save the person I loved. Perhaps someone could call that playing God. Frankly that’s not a role I’d want to play at all. Seems like a tough job. I ordered one NWA:TNA pay-per-view show. I found it to be a very amateurish promotion both in its presentation and in its booking. The show I fated into was the show B.G. James first took off his mask and revealed himself. The fact that a week ago the show featured Russo taking off a mask, a gimmick they used a couple months ago, says a whole lot about where this : “company: “ is going. They have to write one two hour show every week, and they can’t even do that. The WWE, for all the criticism I’ve given them and we all give them, has to write 4 hours of original programming a week, and if you include Heat and Velocity, that’s 6 hours, though not much goes into the second-tier shows. I resolved at the time of my purchase not to order another NWA:TNA show until it got a whole lot better. I, a lifelong wrestling fan, decided that ten dollars was way too much to spend on this goofy show with its pitiful characters and total lack of one stand-out entertaining performer. I had not resolved, however, never to order NWA again until last night. If they sent Piper out there with a live mic and no ground to cover, they were fucking morons. If he’s not going to put over the company, he has no place on the show. Roddy Piper, for all his pissing and moaning about the ills that this business puts into people, for all his crying about the power of the promoters and the mortgaging of human life still doesn’t seem to give a shit. He left a minute after his promo after saying hello to two people backstage. Piper just likes to be the controversial loudmouth that made him part of a successful wrestling equation a very long time ago. He can’t put two sentences together, apparently hasn’t read a book in the last twenty-five years, and seriously can’t tell that what he’s doing is supposed to be entertainment. Every promo this jackass has cut, he believes. He just doesn’t know the difference, and that’s part of what made him so great. His time is over, and he’s finally admitted it. If Piper is too stupid of a man to realize that when he tries to honour the deceased names, but does it in the ring with swerve king Vince Russo, that it comes off as an angle; then he’s sad. It would be better for him never to mention those names at all. Vince Russo was a much smaller part of a successful wrestling equation. He’s an unintelligent man who can’t write with the focus or the vocabulary of anyone who’s gone beyond the fifth grade. He had a radio show which I’m sure was incoherent and unpopular, and in exchange for not blasting the WWF’s pitiful product, he got a job as WWF Magazine editor. That doesn’t mean the show was popular, it just means that in 1995, when the crowds were 1200 if they were lucky, they couldn’t afford the bad press. In the magazine, like a ten-year-old in a creative writing course, he made up identities for himself and had them feud with each other. He got to sit in on booking meetings, and got to make suggestions. Still, this guy shows no understanding of narrative storytelling, no comprehension of linear or non-linear narrative, no knowledge of wrestling history and the value of titles. Then next thing you know he’s barking about how he turned around the WWF. Like Vince McMahon had nothing to do with it. Like Steve Austin had nothing to do with it. Like dX, Mike Tyson, and The Rock had nothing to do with it. He went to WCW and almost immediately failed. Somehow, this only made his opinion of himself soar even higher. It wasn’t his fault, naturally. It was standards and practises. Yeah, there’s always a big bad wolf for Vince Russo. He puts himself on TV, he gives himself the world title, he actually says it’s easier to teach actors to wrestle than wrestlers to act. He shows no respect for this business, its performers, and its fans. When we prove to him we don’t like something, he pushes it even harder. He has no idea about ring work and thinks if you put someone on TV and make them swear they automatically become a household name. He thinks the road to profitability, if I can borrow a title, is nothing but naked girls and blood. Yeah, that’s why ECW was so fucking successful. Give me the Rock, Austin, and a world that had never seen him before and I could have, at the age of 16, booked a hot wrestling show. I know I can do a better job of it than Vince Russo. Who will be the Big Bad Wolf when Russo drives TNA into the ground? Who will be there when his misogynistic ranting, his aimless swearing, and the simple fact that this guy is walking pile of shit turns off what few fans TNA has? Will the Powers that Be @ Panda’s cause the fault? When will he look and the mirror and realize, that as a TV Writer, he sucks. If he walked into Friends and tried to write for them, the first second he suggested a three-way lesbo scene between Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel he’d be laughed out of the building. As a TV writer, he sucks. But what’s worse, as a human being, he sucks even more. To use Owen Hart’s death as a wrestling angle is what epitomizes scum. If, like the claims will state, Russo had no idea that Piper was going to say that, he should have walked out of the ring and let Piper continue to bury and embarrass himself. Why he even walked out there in the first place, if it was not part of the show, is beyond me. Was he going to take Piper out, if Roddy got out of line? I think not. And even if Russo’s telling the truth in all this, why the fuck should we believe this guy? Who has told us this is not part of the show, this is a shoot, this is a real shoot, more times than Russo? Who’s the genius that thought it would be a good idea to put Goldberg on TV talking about how Nash booked himself to be Champion, all under the premise that it’s just a TV show. Yeah, sure, Russo. So how come Kiefer Sutherland never turns to the screen during 24 and says, : “Don’t worry, none of this is real. There’s no warhead. We’re just actors.: “ You want to know why? Because it’s a fucking retarded idea. Everyone watching the show knows it’s just a show. I won’t believe Russo when he says he : “had no idea: “. And I won’t care. I will never watch that shit again. Fuck Piper and fuck Russo and fuck anyone who found it entertaining. The intrinsic value of a man’s life and his right not to be dishonoured when it has come to an end goes above, about, through and beyond any form of entertainment. I am not this wrestling fan who casts his gaze to his feet when comparing wrestling to : “real: “ sports, or other TV shows. I like it better than any other form of entertainment. So it’s not the wrestling fan inferiority complex I’m spouting here. I am simply talking about Owen Hart, a human being with friends, a wife, kids, and some fans. I was a big fan of Owen. I’m not saying I was his friend or that he changed my life, but I was his fan. His life wasn’t worth more than anyone else’s; I’m not saying it was. But no one deserves to be used that way when he is lying in the ground completely unable to defend himself. A man’s life; any man’s life, is worth more than that. That goes for any woman’s life and that goes for any child’s and, hell, if my cat died and someone used it in a TV storyline; even that would be too much. Life, in itself, is the most important thing we have, the only thing we ever really possess that is just ours. No one can take your life. Sure, someone can kill you but it’s not like they get your life when they do. They just end it. Still, it was yours and it can never be anyone else’s. And Owen’s life was Owen’s, and now it’s over. No old tape will ever change that. His life is over and what makes that matter is not how he spent it but simple fact that it existed. By virtue of the fact it existed, much less how he spent it, it deserves not to be dishonoured. So fuck Roddy Piper, fuck Vince Russo, fuck the Jarretts and fuck anyone who disagrees with me. Because this is one time in my life I won’t debate. I am one hundred percent right and that’s all there is to it. And I speak not ask Hogan’s My Dad, but as Nick Niles. Now let’s get on to Smackdown.
Thursday December 5th, 2002. On this day in history, Smackdown was aired by the WWE. Many fans watched it. I was one of them. This is my recap.
Hogan’s My Dad
The show opens with a video package featuring Stephie-baby and Broccoli - then we get to see some Beautiful People and I wouldn’t be surprised if Steph is who they show every time Manson says those words - by the way Vince way to stay current - Marilyn has been unstoppable since he did that rehash of some 80’s song - his album’s number one - and Triple H is a draw.
Anyway the pyro goes off like in a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s death scene - and we pan the cleverly disguised crowd - we are taped and in colour at the American Airlines Center in the home of the Stars, the Cowboys, and the legal marriage to your own cousin so long as one of you is wearing spurs - yes that’s right Dallas Texas - And speaking of coloured, you know who they should push on RAW…Uh…Never mind…Raw was in Houston so you’ve got to wonder what the point of the split is if the shows are going to be 3 hour drives from one another - I realize they do this so Vince can attend everything but it kills any realism - they should be able to do Smackdown all over the country - in any time zone - since it’s taped. By the by we are SAP tonite - which must mean I’m a sap for transcribing this! Haha!
Cole and Tazz host and inform us that Angle, Edge, Guerrero, and Benoit are kicking it in a four way - for the number one contendership - I may have to stop typing to masturbate.
Who dat jumpin’ out da sky? Well silly if you don’t know you’re just stupid - G-A-Y Mysterio - here we go - and his opponent is the one, the only - Albert? The guy last spotted purchasing 100 dollars worth of pornography? Well, okay. Cole informs us that Albert is upset about being - delegated to Velocity - apparently oblivious to the fact that anyone with a pair of working eyes was saying quiet prayers of thanks re: this development
Rey Mysterio Jr. V.S. Albert
Stare-down - well not really a staredown for Rey but what can one do - and Albert pulls Rey into his hairy manteats in a blatant sign of deviant homosexuality - what a way to return - Rey firing away - kneelift from Al - whip - a clothesline by Al that would have gone over Big John Studd’s head let alone Rey-Rey’s - Rey with dives ‘tween the milky, sinewy thighs of this hairy grizzled stud-studded stud - Rey allows his kick to drop into the knee of Ally McHeel, a kick that drops or a : “dropkick: “ if you weeel - again, then runs - throat clasp of doom - push to send Rey off the ropes, because apparently never having seen a Mysterio match Albert thinks it a good idea to give him a running start - Rey hits an Asaii dropkick off the second rope - then apron sling legdrop and a 2-count - some boyfists from Rey - a whip attempt which is not working - Rey looks profoundly stupid even attempting this - it is reversed in the winner of next March’s Squared Circle Shocker Slammy award - Rey hits the buckle - scooped and pressed military style by Albion Medical (trust me you don’t want to know what that’s a reference to) into a sitting split-legged landing - some beats on Rey as crowd gets off a ‘Shave Your Back’ chant - though it could be a ‘Shave Your Sack’ chant being how small those tights are - anyway Albert does the slingshot with Rey’s head between the bottom and second ropes, making for a choking situation of sorts - Rey’s throat has been collapsed - whoops, sorry Hunter - a heat-milking moment and then a cover - Rey bates Albert into the buckle, and Al charges to find nobody home - it’s rare when there’s nobody home and you’re dealing with Mexicans - Albert sees Rey in another buckle and somehow, despite being quite educated charges again - and eats boyboot this time - then once more makes the same mistake - this is just a comedy of errors for the man that Testosterone raped - Rey runs through the legs on his back and kicks up - Albert sells it like a Jew sells a pork potroast - in other words unconvincingly - as Rey hits the apron for another airborne assault. He body-scissors Al - Al pulls him up with some effort - Rey headlocks - bulldog to drive him - but Al is too strong - Rey puts his little footsies on the rope - ala Trish - and finally gets what he came for. No, not a growth spurt, his bulldog. - A cover but Albert up - more punching from Rey - strategical incongruencies make my head hurt - no, neither is a word, for the record - Rey with an Assai moonsault - caught but like a slippery immigrant he wriggles free and slides down the back - surprisingly without becoming lost in the hair like a plinko chip on the Price is Right - dropkick to back of knee and then another - another to back - and Bert is in position for the 69…D’Imean the 619! Albert sells it the way Time Warner sold WCW - in other words at a fraction of its original value - then the West Coast Pop is signalled and the pop for it is marginal because no one actually believes he can hit it - I mean Albert’s not flipping forward like that, he just ain’t - anywho - he’s caught - I must be related to Miss Cleo (CALL MEH NAH!) - and then Al hurls him to the dominator position - then drops to his knees with a backbreaker - and folks if he thinks his career will last another two years with that finisher he’s fucking crazy - but it does get him the win and Tazz risks all credibility by calling this an upset. (2:51)
With the match over, Rey gets put on the buckle, strung up by the leg and has the knee bashed with a chair, and continues until Edge comes out much too late to assist in any way. He’s learned from Hogan, that one.
We return to Bill DeMott promo and then an interview with Bill hosted by Funaki. Funaki: Bill…I am a beeg fan of Tough Enough 3. Bill: : “Cut the crap Funaki. You got something to say? Say it. Tough Enough 3 was my job. Nothing more, nothing less. I’ve been in this business 11 years, ELEVEN YEARS! And come off Tough Enough…And the best that Smackdown can offer me is an interview with a guy who can barely speak English! (Fans boo. They cheer when Rock compares Eddy Guerrero to Cheech and Chong based on absolutely nothing but the Hispanic factor…They carry signs about the Gurerreros mowing their laws, washing their dishes, and shitting Gorditas, but this offends them.) But I guess that’s okay with you, Funaki? You’re a big fan, right? But it’s NOT OKAY! I didn’t spend 11 years of my life breaking my back to be interviewed by you. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!: “ (Headbutt)
Um, did Tazz just call him a bigot? Pfft, no way. They couldn’t be going down that road. We now go to moments ago - A replay of Albert’s win and post-match attack and then a during the break where Rey did the stretcher job - Then to now with Edge screaming about Rey to the medics - making it impossible for them to do their jobs - and then Stephanie’s music hits. I like Steph - I really do - And I would totally stick one in her given half the chance - I’d even break my ‘no anal, shit comes out of there’ rule for her - but even I think that Steph is like McDonald’s - not good for anyone and only acceptable in moderation - and if you eat it every day you get to be the main attraction on RAW - uh - lost the analogy there but a made point is a made point.
Steph: : “Now I’m just as horrified as you over what just happened to Rey Mysterio - but Rey Mysterio and every other Smackdown superstar sacrifice their bodies each and every not for all of you - (sure they do, Steph. Mark Henry takes chance after chance to connect with the fans.) Just like I make sacrifices! (Like WHAT? Swallowing? Uh…Sorry, footage of Steph whoring herself out on RAW - Clearly the implication is that the thing she could offer Steiner that Eric just couldn’t was a vagina - though I’m certain Eric would let Steiner borrow his wife while he sat on the corner of the bed and spanked it.) I sacrificed myself to bring Scott Steiner here to Smackdown for all of you. And he’ll be here next week to sign his contract. (They boo, because he’s not in Dallas.) But not only did I make a sacrifice on Monday night, I’m going to make one here tonight - now I stand by my decision to indefinitely suspend Brock Lesnar (They boo, because of the fact that a/ they probably don’t know what indefinitely means - and b/ these sexist pigs think she should let Brock do whatever the hell he wants, up to and including sucking him off while knitting him a quilt and having his dinner on the stove - she’s an independent woman goshdarnit! You hicks! - She’s confident! - All the ladies truly famous - throw yo’ hands up at meeee - oh - the recap, right) Every Smackdown superstar needs to understand that they work for me. - Brock Lesnar defied my authority and he is paying the consequences. - However my sacrifice is to allow Brock Lesnar to explain his side of the story, live, here tonight (Pop) But I hope I didn’t really mislead you because Brock will be here live to explain his side of the story - but not in person - he’ll be live via satellite.: “
Insane Armageddon promo airs - with Shawn sounding like Creflo A. Dollar Jr. - and Triple H sounding like a guy that’s killing the company - but I’m not bitter
James Noble on his way out - More talk of Scotty-Juiced-A-Lotty signing as if it’s a fact - and Smackdown is brought to you by the Smackdown the game - Analyze That - and Unreal Tournament. Out comes Crash as Nidia joins the announce team.
Jamie Noble V.S. Crash
Jamie attacks Crash before the bell to get things off to a solid start - Nidia calls him her beefcake - Tazz repeats it and my erection is quelled - and a neckbreaker by Jamie and a pair of covers - kick then elbow then forearm shiver - scoopslam - legdrop - cover and Nidia says she wouldn’t be surprised if Nunzio, Noble’s cousin, owns a chop-shop. - Noble buckle whips Crash’s head into the buckle - and then hammers away on the back of the neck with some forearms as Crash falls to the second buckle - Crash is getting less in than a chocolate cake with Karen Carpenter - now a shin choke - Nidia is so bothered by the Nunzio talk that she leaves the announce position - causing in some karmic alignment sort of way Noble to lose control for the first time in this match - as Crash peppers him with some shots - Irish whip and a drop-down with a flapjack-style landing for poor Jamie - running clothesline and down goes Jamie - Crash works like heavyweight - and it kills any heat this guy could ever get - he taunts Noble to get up - And he does - Noble catches the kick - throws the leg away - Crash catches the kick - spin - headlock - charge for the buckle - runs up the ropes like Spike and then drills the bulldog - Crash covers and Nidia saves the match for Jamie by putting his foot on the ropes - Crash slides out to dispute the move by Nidia and ends up forcing himself on her with a smooch - then she runs away and he gives chase - likely anticipating the psychological strain that would come from being raped by someone who looks like Elroy Jetson - believe me, I know - Jamie with a shin to stop him as the chase extends into the ring - he goes for the Tigerbomb - but then Crash stands up in a backdrop or perhaps an Alabama Slam ala his cousin Bob - but no Jamie tries to get a sunset flip out of it - Crash rolls through but nabs some feet - pulls him up but Noble is lying down - it looks like a backwards tombstone - but Crash steps through, locks the arms each behind one of his legs - and then falls forward in one of the dirtiest, sickest moves I’ve ever seen - and that’s the match. According to Cole, that was the Crash-landing. (2:01) In-ring post-match, Noble decides to indeed bring in Nunzio - Nidia stands in the ring dejected - Jamie walks out despondent
Now we see Crisp Benoit - in a sit-down monologue-style interview. He’s wearing a leather jacket but nothing under it. Truly a homo-erotic look. Not that I’d say that to his face.
Benoit: : “Tonight, I’m involved in a Fatal 4-way elimination match, with Edge, Kurt Angle, and Eddy Guerrero and the winner of this match becomes the number one contender for the WWE title. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of, all the sacrifices I’ve ever made - I broke my neck - the numbness I still have - the divorce I went through - the two kids in Edmonton, David and Meagan that I rarely see - my wife that I love - and leave - every week, kiss her goodbye - and my baby boy Daniel that I kiss goodbye every week, to go on the road - to do what I do - to do what I love - to be what I wanna be - the WWE Champion - And there’s three men standing in my way - Kurt Angle - Eddy Guerrero - And Edge - I’ve been wrestling for 17 years now - And I’m gonna do everything I know, and use everything I have to go through them tonight, to become what I wanna be, - what I’ve always dreamed of being since I was 3 years old. - A Champion - THE Champion - The WWE Champion.: “
Well that was - different. And I don’t buy it - this is Chris Benoit! This is the Crippler - I don’t want to hear that he kisses his baby-boy goodbye - I wanna hear that he does the flying headbutt off the banister if the kid craps his diaper too many times - this was so not Benoit.
Now a promo of WWE Superstars reading the WWE magazine, and thank God it’s got pictures - because that is the only way the likes of Rikishi and Tazz can figure out what the stories mean
Now we go backstage to see Dawn and Torrie. Torrie gets all Mistress on Dawn until Dawn begs off - and begins: Dawn: : “You have every single right to be upset with me. But I just want to tell you something. As you know, your dad Al is overseas and won’t be back until next week - I just want to let you know that he is not the only Wilson in the family that I’m interested in.: “ (Torrie’s facials here are so bad that it kills any possible ‘hotness’ this segment could possess. I haven’t read the spoilers, but I can see where this is going.) Torrie: : “What exactly are you talking about?: “ Dawn: : “It’s you Torrie, I’ve been watching you for so long…I watched you in the WCW - I watched you come here to the WWE - I have watched every single move you have made in your career (watched her get passed around between Hogan and Nash? I mean, I don’t care…Her pie must have been mangled after that) - Now the admiration has grown so much more - I have so many more feelings for you - your eyes are so beautiful - and your body is so voluptuous - and your skin is so soft -: “ Torrie: : “Wait a minute, are you telling me that this is what all of this is about? You are engaged to my father - yet you’re making him out to be such a total fool - and it’s all over me?: “ (I think I’ve got something in my throat…HACCKKKK…..COUGH*thisbitchcan’tact!*COUGH) Dawn: : “Don’t get me wrong Torrie, I love you father so much. But the question is how much do you love your father. I have a proposition - if you do something for me - I won’t marry your father - as much as I love your father I won’t marry him - tonight I’ll be in room 357 - I hope you’ll be there - and as much as I know we can both appreciate the opposite sex - no one can make a woman feel as good as a woman can.: “
Um, yeah. So you’re telling me all Torrie had to do to save us this crappy TV is please the cheese? Christ…If that’s all it took - I’d eat out LINDA McMAHON to save myself this garbage TV - Hell I’d toss Vince’s salad after a visit from Pat Patterson - uh - maybe not.
Funaki V.S Bill DeMott
Lock and Funaki is powered down - now a takedown and a float over and some hammering of the back - this has squash written all over it - and a whip followed by an avalanche seems to lend more evidence to that assertion - more trash-talking - throws Funaki - stomps him and a cover - sounds like a Huge Sucks chant - some fists now - He kicks the inside of the leg which was lying on the bottom rope as a means to void the count - and now Tazz kicks dirt onto the already defiled grave of WCW - daring to suggest Hugh Morrus - an innovative and fun gimmick - was a dumb idea by the Turner brain trust since Bill DeMott is a big tough guy. Yeah - so was Meng but it didn’t make for entertaining matches did it dumbfuck? - And did Vince do anymore with him? - Didn’t think so. Fucking shill. - Now he raises the leg and drills it down - While Tazz defends bullying as a means of cheating - despite the fact that the only person any of these kids end of liking is Al Snow - Funaki awakens from this rape long enough to nail a couple punches to the midsection - but DeMott downs him again - now forcing the head against the rope - forgetting that these are soft ropes and this is not a WCW ring - then a choke on the second rope - and now Funaki is pulled up - but a punch - another - but Demott tires of toying with the Asian, hits a whip, a powerslam and the No-Laughing-Matter, or perhaps now the Fat-Angry-Man-Sault - and that’s it. (2:31) He then removes his straps to show off his tits. : “Demented: “ Bill Demott wins.
Now a Los Guerreros backstagias conferencio…
Eddy: : “Chavito, tonight Esse, it’s a big night. Esse, tonight man, when you become the Cruiserweight Champion, I’m gonna be so proud of you! I can just picture it right now, Esse, the other Championship right across your chest - you’re gonna have to get a bigger chest!: “ Chavo: : “I’ll borrow yours…: “ Eddy: : “And after I win the Fatal four way, I’m going to be the number one number one number one contender Esse!: “ Chavo: : “And I know you can beat the Big Show.: “ (Let Brock do one more run-in and I could beat the Big Show. Eddy concurs.) Eddy: : “Hey homes…Can you imagine how proud la Familia’s gonna be? Simone, Conchita, Maria, Leenda, Hector, Mando, Chavo…your dad! Simone!: “ Chavo: : “And you know who else? Especially Grandma!: “ Eddy: : “The real Mamacita! Grandma! (Take that Joanie! Although, if you’re marrying X-Pac…You probably can’t take much more.) But you know what Chavo - with all this - we gotta be focused Esse –Homes - (Spanish) Tonight we show what the Guerreros are all about - tonight we start dominating the WWE - because if we are both the Tag-Team Champions, the Crusierweight Champion, and WWE Champion - there is NO - NO STOPPING - LOS GUERREROS FROM TAKING OVER!: “
I still get Goosebumps when Eddy goes intense.
When we return we’ll see what Brock has to say, or maybe he’ll read a pop-up book. But first, buy anthology!
Cole talks to Brock who is : “via satellite: “ from Minneapolis. Or room 21b backstage. Whatever.
Brock: : “First thing’s first Michael, I’m not here to make any excuses. I got what I deserved for even associating myself with that slime-ball Paul Heyman. That doesn’t mean I didn’t learn from my mistakes, and that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna punish Paul Heyman in the most brutal fashion - emaginable. (Er, okay. It sounds like Aaron Carter if you close your eyes.) As far as Big Show - he’s just 1 big puppet in Heyman’s game, and they’re both gonna find out what happens to them - when they rip me of my most prized possession. - I think Tazz said it best (there’s a phrase you don’t hear too often) I got raped of the title. (Whoever okayed that line should be fired immediately. Hearing Brock admit rape of any kind will haunt me in my dreams for years) - And the Stephanie McMahon says she didn’t screw Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar screwed Brock Lesnar?: “
But Show’s music blares - he and Heyman come out - And once more Show is dressed like Andre! Stop it, Wight! And Paul has the microphone! For crap’s sake, this is always the most gratuitous part of any recap - the Heyman monologue. Heyman: : “Brock, I just wanted to take this opportunity because I’ve been wanting to talk to you face to face like this only you keep losing your temper - and I just wanted you to know that that title, it was taken away from you because you’re just like petulant child - who keeps on defying the parents - and Brock you hadda be spanked (more homoeroticism) - and who better to spank Brock Lesnar - than my seven foot tall, 500 pound client? Tell me that Brock - who better to spank you - than my client the Big Show?: “ (Show keeps rubbing the title and getting it all greasy - that’s how it gets faded you fat fuck! Job to someone!) Brock: : “Is that it, Paul? You done? Heyman: : “With you, hardly! Brock, let me make this perfectly clear. As much as I admire and respect Stephanie McMahon, Stephanie was wrong. Brock Lesnar did not screw Brock Lesnar - we screwed Brock Lesnar! And we did it with Malice and far-thought(he said something else but I can’t figure it out) And not only did we screw you, Brock, we enjoyed screwing you! - We liked doing it! And not only did we like doing it, - if we could turn back the clock a week before Survivor Series - when Big Show and I came up with this whole plan - we would screw you all over again! Now I don’t want you to lose your temper anymore Brock - so sit back - enjoy your suspension - and tonight you can watch Kurt Angle, Edge, Eddy Guerrero and Chris Benoit battle for the right, the mere right to be the number 1 contender so that one of those 4 men, anyone but you I might add, can challenge the Big Show at Armegeddon for the WWE Title. Brock: : “Wow Paul! Just think, the Big Show defending his title at Armageddon against either Kurt Angle, Edge, Chris Benoit, or Eddy Guerrero. That sounds like one hell of title match - I can’t wait to see it - in person!: “
Paul and Paul repeat the words : “he’s suspended: “ over again, as if it’s caused Brock to miss one single appearance so far.
Commercial time - because that big fist doesn’t pay for itself.
We return to a shot of outside the American Airlines whatever it’s called, lovely night, and then some RAW retro. I am going to be really upset if they keep doing ‘retro’ that’s not even three years old. This one’s of the Nitro and RAW simulcast, and yes folks, the WWF signal at the entrance is blurred out. The Panda’s are ejaculating in Vince’s ass on this one. We return as Cole and Tazz shill RAW on Smackdown. WWE: : “Hey you…Mr. Continuity?: “ Mr. Continuity: : “Yes, may I help you?: “ WWE: : “FUCK YOU!: “ (Stabs him in the throat.) Mr. Continuity: (Gurgling.) Oh…what did I ever do to wrestling? (Dies.)
And now Billy : “Fuck Transitions: “ Kidman (C) V.S. Chavo Guerrero (Cruiserweight Title is indeed, on the line.)
We begin with some feeling out - Billy with an arm - Chavo manages to perform a legtrip - and cinches in a side headlock - Billy wristlocks out of it - they get to a standing position - Chavo elbows out of it - runs ropes, a hiptoss by Kidman - no, switch - Chavo sending Billy over - no - knee - then leg across the back of the neck with arm still hooked - a rocker-dropper? - No Chavo stands and Billy feeds into a huricanrana. Well done by these guys. - Now Billy whips Guerrero - but there’s a reversal on it - Billy slides under the man - ducks his clothesline - runs at him still and get tossed and dropped onto the knee for a gut-buster or a rib-breaker - And Guerrero works on him before whipping him off once more - he goes down early and get caught with a kick - Billy with a suplex attempt which is quelled by the raising knees - then Kidman up on the shoulder and has his midsection drilled into the ropes - upside down is the Champion and he’s having his kidney’s hammered, and not in the way he’s used to - and he falls off. Some more hammering goes on and some half-assed enforcing of the rules by the ref - and then - another gutbuster is deliver by Guerrero so it looks like they’re working the rib area in this one. A cover but no win on it. Now - a European uppercut that floors Billy and looks sort of sick - and then the abdominal stretch spot with the holding of the rope - Billy twists out but can’t get anything consistent going - now Chavo is going for a Gory Special - but Kidman is wise to it and attempts a roll-up but nothin’ doing on it since the ropes entangle Guerrero - it made Chavo look ring-aware and Kidman look out of it so it worked - even if it was an accident -
Chavo hits the sternum on the buckle and Kidman with that clothesline - but Chavo moves, raises a knee and dirtily sends a flailing Kidman over - another sick-looking spot and by gum - Chavo’s actually getting better - good news for us - a quick cover - and no win from it. Soon we find Kidman in the buckle, face-slammed - the Chavo manages to pin the arm behind the head and fire on the exposed ribs - Ref makes him stop - And Guerrero goes back to the assault - he sends Billy into the roles and hoists him for what, one imagines, would have been another gut-buster or rib-breaker move but Kidman dropkicks in mid-air to escape it - Chavo misses a clothesline and Kidman changes direction in mid-stride and flies back with a back elbow - Kidman doing a ‘trying-to-build-momentum’ thing - Chavo runs into a bodydrop - lands quite hard - Billy does a good job selling the ribs as a reason for not covering - then hits a short clothesline out of a whip before getting his death-valley-side-neckbreaker. Cover but a kickout. - Now a suplex but Guerrero falls behind and rolls up Kidman really well - nice job of it - and a barely kickout - the story that Guerrero is getting more and more vicious and Kidman was unprepared for him appears to be a good one - as we see Chavo fire Kidman to a buckle, get reversed but catch the champ with an elbow as the champ comes in - then Guerrero attempts a tornado DDT but gets thrown, lands on his feet, misses a clothesline - short powerbomb by Kidman - a near-fall off it and Kidman can’t maintain control of it - Chavo sends him in again and Kidman slings over him - Chavo runs in to find an empty nest - but hops to the 2nd on the inside and turns catching Billy with a tornado DDT that looks fantastic! Another near-fall. Chavo lifts, Kidman falls behind now, kicks him - sends him into the corner and they’re starting to show way too much reliance on that spot - Kidman does the corner chase gets slung over to the apron lands and the champ is eating buckle from the outside now - Guerrero soon gets outside as well and then battle atop the buckle do a unison punch and both end up plummeting - they lie idle for a while - then Chavo is rolled in as Kidman goes for the shooting star - Chavo up fast and hammering with fists to prevent it - climbs up with a superplex attempt - he gets dumped off the top - shooting star - but no one there! Ouch. Now a Gory Special - but a foot on the ropes. That would have been a sweet finish - but they’re keeping it on Kidman, it seems. If Chavo didn’t go home with that spot he’s not getting the belt - Chavo sells the disbelief that Kidman survived - then gets pulled through the ropes by Kidman when he returns to the onslaught - While he is out there - Chavito grabs a lovely gold belt - his - and stands on the apron with it held away from his body and toward the crowd, waiting for a chance - Kidman hits him and he drops the belt - then he pulls Chavo up and curtain calls him off the apron and into the ring - goes up top and connects with the shooting star - to win the match. Third successful title defence in a row for Billy and hey - at least Chavo’s got the tag-titles. (7:41)
Now Loyd interviews Edgefield - who has pretend he really hangs out with Mysterio
Edge: : “You know when I woke up this morning Mark, my only focus, my only goal, was to become #1 contender to the WWE Championship. But after what Albert did to Rey tonight, I have to admit, my focus shifted a little bit. Now don’t get me wrong; look in my eyes (Loyd does, and does so with enthusiastic, wanting-to-fellate-a-man fervour) - the only thing that I put my body and my soul and blood on the line for every night is to reach that next level here in WWE - to get that Championship, so I’m not gonna lose my focus. But if anything this match is gonna be an outlet for the aggression that I’m gonna take out on Albert when I get made hands on him.: “ (Edge then sees Albert getting a snack and attacks him. They do the pull-apart. Yawn. Who wants to bet Edge won’t be the number 1 contender if he’s feuding with freakin’ Albert…)
Moments ago, when we return, we see Edge starting the program to nowhere. Then, off to the ring as Tazz introduces the : “Hip-Hop: “ Challenge. Cena comes out with B Squared. Cole then insults them, and acts like he’s the sultan of cool or something. When the Kish comes out, Cole says he : “can’t wait to see this big boy bust a rhyme: “. Shudder. Apparently this is going to work like those battles from 8 Mile. Cena: : “Rikishi, you was lucky when you beat me, but in a verbal battle nobody can defeat me, and I’m completely - unaffected when you taunt me, it’s not mah fault that all these women want me! It’s not mah fault that I got the betta bodee…This is B Squared and he’s my one man posse - You wanna see a thug, turn around a take a look, yo’ just another dude that came up short from Red Hook - this battle was over way before it even stated, you against me, that’s totally retarded. Me and B2 is way too nice for this place, hey Kish, how’s it feel to get the verbal stinkface!: “ Then Rikishi goes. Kish: : “Look Dog, you standing there tryin’ to be all nice, but everybody knows you worse than Vanilla Ice, see we old school thugs and this game ain’t new to me, boy I ain’t scared of no Eminem wannabe! Lemme break it down to you, I was shot twice, almost lost my life, but the big Boss upstairs said Kish, the time ain’t right, I been raisin’ the roof since the age of 3 (when he ate his first whole pumpkin unassisted) from New York to Cali, all the way to the Big D.: “ (PSST…THAT MEANS DALLAS!
This leads to an attack by B and Cena, who rub Tazz the wrong way and Cena gets a Tazzmission out of the deal. With the baddies cleared, Tazz and Kish dance, and Tazz has all the rhythm of…Those American Idol kids.
Loyd goes off to get word from the only participant in tonight’s four way who hasn’t said his piece yet. Angle: : “My thoughts? My thoughts? My thoughts? My thoughts are on winning the title for the third time. My thoughts are proving my superiority over Chris Benoit again. My thoughts are showing Eddy Guerrero why I won these little bad boys in the Olympics. My thoughts are proving to Edge, or anyone else for that matter, why I’m not just the greatest superstar ever in the history of Smackdown, why I’m not just your Olympic hero, I’m also your next WWE Champion. And I’m about to prove it now.: “
Edge makes his way out, but gets Pearl Harboured in the ring by Albert who attacks him with the chair and bashes up his legs. Apparently leg damage with blunt steel objects is going to be the new heel Albert’s MO.
If you forgot, we return to a moments ago which fills us in on Edge’s mutilation. This will be a Triple Threat elimination match now. Unless they do the worked-injury thing. Eddy comes out, followed by Benoit, and finally Kurt Angle. They do tell him he sucks during the song, but the announcers ignore it and Angle no-sells it. Oh and then Edge comes out.
The RAW brand shills its house show dates at this time. Uh, sure. Why not.
Eddy Guerrero V. Chris Benoit V. Kurt Angle V. Edge (#1 Contender’s Match for the WWE Title)
We return to see Eddy standing with everyone else mashed. The replay man shows us the way Edge was mauled by Benoit and Angle as he came in - Edge is on his feet now, though and bodydrops Eddy - then flapjacks Benoit - then bodydrops Angle - and it begs the question why they insist on attacking him one by one like this is a Bruce Lee movie - anywho Eddy dropkicks the leg and Edge sells it like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Men of Honor, then covers for a near-fall - Benoit catches Eddy with a hard elbow knocking him down and into a corner - he then kicks the leg of Edge - and Angle comes over - double team effort on Edge now - a couple of those Flair banzai drops onto the inside of the leg from Crippler - and then Angle stomps on it - they both stomp for a bit - then Angle applies the knee to the side of the neck while Benoit continues to put the leather to the injured wheel - this goes on for a bit longer - then Eddy catches a sleeping Angle with a roll-up - Cole trivializes it by calling Eddy a : “jackal: “ and refusing to acknowledge how smart that was - Angle lariats down Guerrero as soon as they’re both up. Angle working on Guerrero with punches - while Benoit delivers damage to the leg of Edge as he has been for some time now - After some buckle time Eddy is sent into the ropes - but hooks onto them - Angle charges - and is dumped out. Benoit runs in and clotheslines Eddy and out he goes as well. He now has free reign on Edge - he chops him and Edge goes down - lands on the knee and sells it - Benoit legdrops the inside of the legs - get Edge up and sends him into the buckle - reversed - Benoit bounces out of the buckle from the impact and gets the half-nelson facebuster - a cover and Cole sells it like that had a chance of being all Benoit did tonight
Eddy comes in and goes after Benoit - he’s quick, angry, and effective - and ends up suplexing Benoit out next to Edge who rolled out to the floor to rest himself, one assumes - Angle in behind Eddy - and the continued existence of at least one story is maintained - good storytelling by these guys - Eddy eats buckle and is then suplexed - Cole continues to attack Guerrero on commentary - calling him a jackal and a hyena - which are small scavenger animals that never fight. How is that supposed to get him over? Angle covers and a kick out - Kurt punches Eddy till Eddy rakes the eyes and continues from there with shivers and punches and kicks - a nice suplex from Eddy - and a good grunt to stress the exertion - a cover but a kickout as well and Eddy is continuing but the reversal of a whip turn into a belly-to-belly - then an Angleslam attempt but no, Eddy armdrags his way out of it and then kicks to get a side suplex of his own - Eddy goes up high and delivers a picture perfect frogsplash - which gets no three count - then Benoit in with a German and going up - and it seems this is a moment of everyone doing everyone else’s moves - Benoit’s headbutt looks great but no win off it - Eddy kicks out and finally gets to look good - even Cole can’t miscall that one - and now a feminine squeal from the audience indicates that Edge is back in and he Edge-e-Cutes Benoit and it looks perfect - but again there is no victory. The story I’m getting is these guys would all normally go down to these moves but they want this shot so badly that their bodies are more capable than under normal circumstances - if that’s the story it’s a good one to tell but telling it ten minutes from now would get the point across better - now Edge tosses out Angle who charged him - Angle hits floor and Eddy sends Edge out with some a double ax - and Benoit locks the hands and hits a pair of germans and then Edge comes and spears Guerrero - poor guy - Benoit then tosses Edge out and then Eddy gets locked into a crossface and taps out - I hate to see Eddy the first to go - but they’re doing injured superman with Edge obviously - and Benoit or Angle pretty much have to win this since those combos with Show are the only ones that can draw money at this point on PPV - and now Angle runs in and hits a German on Crisp : “Chris P. Crisp: “ Benoit - and another - a third and this action keeps coming - Angle does his little whoo dance and gets missiled like a Palestine café - Edge dropkicks off the top - a cover but Angle is up - all down for a moment but Edge stands and then Benoit clips the leg - Angle downs Benoit and then goes in for the kill on Benoit’s damage of Edge - Angleslam but Edge lands behind him despite being a one-legged paralypian right now - and hits the Edge-o-Matic - kickout and then Benoit crossfaces Edge - before he can tap - Angle breaks it up and ankle-locks Benoit - Benoit kicks him off and ref takes a bump - Angle rolls out and Eddy sprints in despite the obvious handicap of having been eliminated - and he belts Benoit - and is then speared - as is Benoit who is then counted out for the three. If that means an Eddy/Benoit feud - in the forefront not as a back-story - I like it. The fact is at this point - Benoit and Angle - one of whom had to win since Edge was given away against Show on TV last week, have been fighting one another a lot lately and as great as it is - this match doesn’t need to end with a showdown between them - there is still no decisive victory between them and that’s the way to keep it - Edge and Kurt have amazing chemistry and we haven’t seen it since the second quarter of the year in a singles environment so it works - Angle cinches in the anklelock on Edge and this could be all. Angle is not letting go - and he makes it to the ropes - almost - but Angle pulls him away - Cole overdoes it on selling Edge’s pain - and Edge rolls through with a somersault and sends Angle out - a convincing break of the hold - Edge is pulled out by the ankle and slammed into the steps - then Angle passes out
And we hit a commercial
We return to see Edge getting hammered - mounted punches from Angle - now a short clothesline from Kurt and a near-fall - Edge is pulled up - suplex and the fans moan at Edge’s leg landing flat and even on the canvas - that is ring psychology my friends - these people have bought the injury - another cover - and no win off it. Angle stomping then using the second rope to choke - ref steps in and Kurt assures him they use that in the Olympics - Angle is suddenly getting distracted by the crowd and he pays for it - when he makes for Edge he gets PASTED with these ungodly shops and punches - he beats Angle down with more closed fists than anyone should be permitted to deliver in a year - but the ref lets it go and the crowd is drawn in even further - Edge backs off and Angle is dazed - Edge whips him now, but there’s a reverse, Angle in after him but eats boot - Edge moves toward Kurt but belly-to-belly and over - Angle is whooing - confidence ever-present - tells the story that one of his suplexes is equivalent to a thousand of those punches - Angle has a rear chinlock - they do the rising on the third day rest-hold hand spot - Edge battles - some elbows - a whip to get out of the hold - a missed clothesline from Edge - and then belly-to-belly as Angle gets his own medicine! Edge’s wheel is too gone to cover - both men down - : “Earth To: “ Mike Chioda gets to 8 before they stumble stationary - a punch exchange and Edge pulls ahead in it - a rope running fest and a clothesline from Edge - another - whip and bodydrop - another Edge-O-Matic - and Angle gets back in the game with two germans - and then a third - no - victory roll from Edge - no win - Kurt misses a clothesline and then SPEAR - a near three-count - fans crap on it just being a two - but the action continues once they’re up - Edge waits and goes for an Edge-e-Cution - Angle is ready holds the arm to Angleslam him - no Edge escapes that - and gets the Edge-e-Cution! Kurt pretty much forgets to get his shoulder up on this one - fans a little deflated after that - and Edge goes up high to get him back - Angle runs up to Angleslam him off the top - he’s pushed off and then missile dropkicked - and again Angle kicked out - now Edge waits and wants to spear Angle to end and Tazz sells it so hard you know Edge won’t get it - Edge charges and gets punted in the face - looked sick - and Angleslam connects - Edge kicks out and there are some boos - Angle sells his rage - down come the straps and the anklelock is on - Edge sells it like death for a bit then hooks Angle under the arms and victory rolls him - Angle out - drop-toe-hold and back into the Anklelock - Edge tries the ropes, then tries to kick Angle off and nothing seems to work - then he gets to the ropes and ref demands Angle break the hold but he holds on - Edge scores an enseguri - Angle dazed - ANGLE-SLAM ON ANGLE! And another near-fall. I came my pants, if you’re wondering. - Edge goes up again and he’s got to pay for it here - and Angle runs up and ANGLESLAMS HIM OFF THE TOP! And he wins it! (Somewhere around 25:00, hard to tell with commercials.)
A classic match and Angle is mauled by the Big Show not even ten seconds after he wins - Show is in and he chokeslams Angle - and what good booking because after that match I honestly feel bad for Angle - good work getting heel heat on Show. I can honestly say I’ll pay to see Angle’s revenge.
We now return to porn. Torrie goes into the room and Dawn is waiting. It looks like a porn.
Dawn: : “Hi Torrie. I was beginning to lose faith in you. I guess you love your father after all. Now if you do all I want - the wedding will be off. (Torrie walks away, recalling that sweet sweet cock that she was gettin’ from Billy Kidman, apparently. She walks back and Dawn likes it.) That’s better."
The credits are up. To put this poor man’s Lesbian Lickdown #6 after that amazing match is an insult to anyone who considers himself or herself a wrestling fan. Not to be a drama queen but for fuck’s sake put it before the match - put it during the match when they’re all lying there - but not now
Anyway, I’m out. Peace.
My best quotes from the NOV. 21 Smackdown Recap: -"a bath sponge is a King-Size bed to Rey Mysterio Jr" -"He stands on the apron for the west-coast-pop, a cool move with a very, very homosexual name." -"Through this felled wall we see Crash Holly lying on a table being orally pleasured by the trainer." -"Here comes Benoit! Crisp Benoit! Why do I call him Crisp? Because everything he does is CRISPY CRISP!" -"The shmuck in the Andre suit comes down. They hug. I find myself strangely aroused."
Your whole rant on TNA was bang on. And this little section happens to be my favorite;
Life, in itself, is the most important thing we have, the only thing we ever really possess that is just ours. No one can take your life. Sure, someone can kill you but it’s not like they get your life when they do. They just end it. Still, it was yours and it can never be anyone else’s.
Thanks for writing what I feel, and I hope what others feel as well.
As for the rest, it was your usual good work. Keep it up.
(edited by El Nastio on 7.12.02 0320)
Next VG Review: Metriod Prime Next OSVG Review: Blaster Master
I’d just like to take a moment to thank everybody who has read this column and/or written to me over the last two years. You all are awesome. Special thanks to CRZ, The Rick, and JTL for giving me my breaks. Now, on with YEAR THREE! Backstage…. HHH:...