OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz! ANd the big newz is of course that WrestleMania XX3 is just around the corner and it's going to be the biggest and baddest and bestest WrestleMania since the last one or possibly the one before last! I'll be giving FULL AND DETAILED spoilers of WrestleMania that you won't be able to ready ANYWHERE else (unless some marks copy and paste my newz again!) in just a moment! But first I must thank you all for the feedback to the Hot Newz 100! It took my many longer hours of writing and research to write the HotNewz100 during which time my girlfriend cheated on me with my brother AND her brother (incest biatch!) and three of my goldfish died from that being fed! Despite these personal tragedies all the feedback made it worthwhile, the dozens of replies when I posted the final part on the W and the HUNDREDS of dozens of emails I got! If I had only gotten, say, ONE reply to the last part on the W and NO emails I probably would have gotten very upset and quit Hot Newz FOREVER! But since that wasn't the case I am back with more Hot Newz and will be for the forseeable future! I also got an email from The Rock's reprsentitives thanking me for putting him at number one!
Hi there jabroni you roody poo candyass monkey sniffer this is THE ROCK'S representitive thanking you for ranking the Rock at number one in your top 100 actors/movie stars/gay icons list (delete as appropriate!) Thanks again and remember to keep seeing all the Rock's hit adaptations of video games IF YOU REEEEEAAAAAAD what I'm WRITING!
What a nice gesture!
Before I get to WrestleMania here's some NEWZ!!1exclamationmark
Steroids! Sport Illustrated did an EXPOSE into steroids by undercover filming lots of WWE stars having a STEROID PARTY! At the part were Randy Orton, Edge, Rey, Hurricane, Batista, John Smith (the undercover sports illustrated reporter, they should have known!) and Jeff Hardy (who isn't on roids but just loves to party!) Orton baked up a big steroid cake and they all feasted on it (except Jeff who just talked to the goldfish) then watched re-runs of Cops all night long! What a bunch of DOPES!
Joey Mercury has been fired for trying to put Stephanie through a table! He showed up drunk at RAW and Stephanie smelled his breath (pervert!) and said "hey, have you been drinking? I'm telling dad!" and he said "No! Shut up!" and quickly tried to murder her to make her silent by powerbombing her threw a table, but Stephanie backdropped him on the concrete and the cops arrived and beat the shiznit out of him! Johnny Nitro just shrugged and said "now I get to bang Melina by myself!"
When JR said on RAW that CM Punk can "use his knee as well as anyone in WWE history, folks!" that was a shot at Triple, the self-proclaimed king of the knee! JR has hated HHH ever since that time HHH was supposed to pretend to break his arm for an angle but HHH broke it for REAL and said "it was self defence!" and Vince agreed and fired JR and replaced him with Coach for eight weeks until someone noticed that Coach sucks! JR confirmed this in his blog where he also confirmed that he'd like to see more of the cruiserweights and that you have to see the Great Kali in person to appreciate how big he is!
TNA still sucks!
Zoolander is the best movie ever!
Before I spoil WrestleMania and make it pointless for you to even download a torrent of it let alone pay for it, I'll dazzle y'all with some WrestleMania Fun Facts! Use these facts to impressive your friends and neighbours and your dentist even if you want!
- If you add up everyone who's ever attended a Wrestlemania in person INCLUDING THE REFEREES (important) it comes to almost A BILLION people!
- Liberace came out as gay at WrestleMania 1 and Patt Patteroson licked his lips (Liberace's lips, not his own)!
- WrestleMania 7 was originally going to take place in the 120,000 seat SUPERDOME Arena but Saddam Hussien phoned in a bomb thread because he heard Hulk Hogan was booked to beat his favourite wrestlers Sergant Slaughter and they changed it to the six thousand seat SPORTS arena!
- Lawerance Taylor is the only black man to ever main event Wrestlemania!
- Apart from Mister T who surprised everyone by hitting a moonsault and hurricanrana at WrestleMania 1 on Cowboy Randy Orton Senoir!
- And Booker T at WrestleMania 19 when Triple H hit him with the pedigree then just lay on the mat for 108 seconds before finally putting one finger over Booker for the clean pin!
- DDP drove the Honky Tonk Man's car at WrestleMania 6. A nine year old Edge was in the front row and jumped the barricade in an attempt to "make a name for himself" by attacking Honky but DDP made the save with the Diamond Cutter which he invented ON THE SPOT! BANG!
- After Triple H jobbed to The Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania 11 in 6 seconds, he was crying backstage when a sixteen year old Stephanie McMahon came over and said "is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" and he looked her up and down and said "maybe in two years!"
- Randy Savage proposing to Miss Elizabeth at Wrestlemania 7 was a SHOOT and Elizabeth was going to say no because he'd been cheating on her with Sensational Sherri for years but Vince sneaked up beside her and said "your wedding will be on the front page of WWF Magazine" so she said "OOH YEEEEAH!" because that is the dream of every woman!
- Everyone you ask will say Bret Hart versus Shawn Michaels iron man at WM12 was a great match because it was one hour of Shawn Michaels versus Bret Hart and surely that HAD to be good even though it appeared to be a boring piece of crap waste of an hour headlock-filled SUCKFEST, but in truth it really WAS a boring piece of crap waste of an hour headlock-filled SUCKSFEST! The bit where Shawn kicked the timekeeper by mistake was funny though, and a shoot!
Well that's enough fun WrestleMania facts to amaze your freinds and neighbours and even your dentist if you want to (maybe even your local police officer!) for one year, now it's time to gizzet on with spoiling WrestleMania XX3! I'll run dwon the FULL SPOILERS and I'll be there to comment on them in case they jump the shark or dropkick the Yeti along the way!
But first some Wrestlemania sign ideas!
Shave Linda Instead!
Fourteen And Oh Noes!
If Ashley Wins We Riot!
My Sign Knows More Moves Than Batista (Four)!
And now it's finally time for dem there spoilers!
The show opens with a performance of the national anthem (me: yawn!) performed by new best friends Beyonce and Shakira (me:!!!!!!!1 But this will make all the Divas look like Ugly Betties in comparison to the hotness of Beyonce and Das Shakira!)
Next is a video package narrated by Morgan Freeman (me: I loved him in The Matrix!) showing all the big matches and ending with a long clip of Triple H and a big question mark!
First match is Benoit verus MVP of course since it's the one everyone's least interested in (me: TRUE) and MVP wins with that gay move where he puts his foot on your neck and twirls around and it's supposed to hurt you somehow (me: at least they're admitting it's gay!) then the referee does the X sign and shouts "BENOIT'S NECK IS BROKEN AGAIN!" and is this the end of Benoit, who knows! (me: I hope he's okay!)
Second match is a big battle royal with all the big stars who don't have a match: Flair, Carlito, Nitro, Holly, Coach, Masters, Sargenat Slaughter, 2 Cold Scorpio (me: mark out moment!) and Monty La Car and the winner gets to go on a date with Torrie Wilson!! It comes down to Flair and Carlito and they're going at it when suddenly "here come da money!" plays and SHANE O MAC is on the attack with flying chairshots to both of them then he shaves Carlito and says "that's what my POP will do to Donald Trump's ASS, YEAH-YEAH!" to get more heat for that match and he's declared the winner of the battle Royal and he just hits Torrie with a fying chairshot instead of dating her because he doesn't want to pay for dinner!
Next CM Punk is interview to pander to the smart fans and Chrystal asks him if he's scared that Orton or Edge could win and he says "the only way Orton and Edge would get up that ladder faster than me...is if the briefcase at the top was full of STEROIDS!" And Chrystal goes "WHOOOOOAH DUDE!" (me: good angle.)
Next up is Kane versus Kali in the match we all paid to see (me: yeah, paid to see IN HELL!) and Kali wins in ten minutes with the big chop for realism but then Kane pulls his meat hook out and puts it through Kali's EYE (me: he must be wearing a fake eye is all I can figure!) and can he drag someone so heavy backstage? Seriously, I don't know. Let's just see if he can and if he can't just have JR say "BY GAWD, KANE IS HOOOKED ON SADISM!" and fade to black.
Next up the Hardy Boys (me: more like the HARDLY MEN!) are interviewed about money in the bank but then Gregory Helms jumps in front of the camera and says "I should be in the money in the bank, beyotch!" and Matt says "Yeah, you wouldn't even need to climb the ladder to get the briefcase! You'd just need to eat lots of HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE until you're tall enough to reach!" and everyone laughs (me: LOL!) then Gregory says "yeah? WELL I SLEPT WITH LITA!" and Matt laughs and says "I know, everyone did!"
Next up is the hardcore ECW originals (me: RVD, Sabu, Sandman and someone else) versus the FAKE ECEW UNORIGINALS (me: The Teacher, The black guy, the vampire and the truck driver, I think). They hit each other with trashcan lids and pre-cut tables for eight minutes and this is just an excuse for Umaga and Lashley to come out and destroy all eight men indiscrimately to put more heat on their match! Then RVD draws "T N A" in the air with his finger and Tazz says "Why'd he spell out TAN, Joey?"!
Melina the sexy latino babe verus Ashley the cartoon-breasted slut is up next! Ashley is accompied to the ring by UGLY BETTY (me: they're stealing ideas from me agayne!) in a celebrity appearance and Melina is accompied by K-Fed and Britney's kids if he has custody that weekend! Ashley shocks everyone with her technical skills (she's been trained by Dean Malenko!) and puts Melina in the texas cloverleaf and Melina's about to tap so K-Fed goes for a DDT but Ugly Betty stops him with a lowblow (me: you go girl!)! Then Melina taps out and JR says "THE GIRLHOOD DREAM HAS BAH GAWD COME TRUE FOR THAT LARGE BREASTED YOUNG WOMAN FOLKS: SHE'S APPEARED IN PLAYBOY! OH, AND SHE WON THE WOMAN'S TITLE TOO."
Next up it's time for the Hall of Fame (me: yawn!) with this year's inductess JR, The King, The Iron Sheik and some other unimportant people! The Sheik grabs the mike and says "KRAMER! You still haven't accepted my challenge, you bastard of a bitch! I want to humble you like big greatest biggest blackest brother of them all Bill Cosby would do to you! But not Newman, he and I, still cool! I will put you in the camel clutch, Kramer! Not even Bob Sacremeto will get you out! I will put you in the camel clutch and f..." but JR grabs the mike and says "FORCE HIM TO TAP OUT LIKE A DRUNK MAN, FOLKS!" and pushes Sheik off the stage before he can say anything else! (me: yawn!)
Next it's FIZZINALLY time for the match you've all been waiting for, money in the bank! It features King Booker, Finlay, Mister Kenned, Edge, Randy Orton, CM Punk (me:~~~~~~!), Jeff Hardy (homosexuals:~~~~~~~~!) and Matt Hardy (no one:~~~~~~~!) There are ONE HUNDRED ladders placed all throughout the arena and everyone has to take a bump through a table before they can go for the briefcase (me: still makes more sense than TNA's King of the Mountain match!") Booker actually gets up to the briefcase after only five minutes and opens it but Little Bastard jumps out, he's hidden the real briefcase! Michael Cole finds it under JBL's cowboy hat and hangs it up. The match lasts 55 minutes since it is the whole mid card for the ppv and in the end only Punk and Kennedy are left standing both at the bottom of the ladder so they both climb up opposite sides and Punk is climbing faster due to his conditioning (me: all those one hour matches with Samona Joe pay off!) but then Kennedy spits GREEN MIST in Punk's face and Kennedy grabs the briefcase and pulls a microphone out and says "that's right, I used green mist on CM Punk and I'd do it again...Kennedy!" to huge heel heat! Then falls off the ladder and breaks his leg. (me: this is rather random but I'm sure it'll be explained on RAW or Smackdown, tune in to find out!)
Donald Trump is interviewed backstage by Pete Rose and to show how serious this hair situation is Trump SHOVES Pete Rose into a bin and says "get out my face, lad, I could buy and sell your sorry ass!" then kicks Rose in the ribs a few times! (me: foreshadowing Trump teaming up with Ted Dibiase to take over the wrestling world!?)
Next is the long awaited match between Lashly and Umbaga! Lashely goes for the win early with a spear but Umaga just holds his thumb out and Lashley gives himself a samoan spike! Then he spits up blood all over the ring and Trump's like "GODDAM IT ROBERT, I'M NOT LOSING MY HAIR BECAUSE OF YOU!" and gets iin the ring to fight Umaga himslef (me:!) and Estrada snaps the cigar but before Umaga can kill Trump, Lashly just rolls him up for the pin! And Vince goes "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" like he's Darth Vader in Episode 3! Trump then pulls a big razor like they had during the war out of his pants and says "it's shaving time, Vinny-Mac!" and Vince says "okay pal, okay, you can do it, but at least give me some dignity! At least let me wear a bag over my head with a hole in the top for my hair to stick out!" and Trump says "okay, I am a fair man after all!" so Vince goes backstage to get the bag (me: hmmm!) and comes out with it already on staggering about blind and Trump grabs him and shaves him as bald as a bald bald eagle! Then Trump said "and now it's tiem for you to see your new head for yourself!" and holds a mirror up and pulls the bag off...and it was ROSIE O'DONNEL underneath! And she says "I'm suing you for sexual assault!" and kicks Trump in the nuts! (me: how'd they get Rosie to agree to this, is she dating Stephanie!?)
Next we go live to a cop helicopter because Iron Sheik has hijacked the ambulance that was taking him to the hospital and he's driving back to the arena to get JR!
Todd Grisham interviews Will Smith and the guy who played Carlton in the Fresh Prince because they are in the audience and Smith says "I can't wait to see the Rock in action tonight and Hulk Hogan!" and it quickly cuts away from him!
Finally it's time for the Undertaker versus Batista and for Undertaker's AMAZING entrance this year all the men he's beaten at previous WrestleMania's come out dressed as zombies (Snuka, Sid, Bundy, Jake The Snake (who might really BE a zombie!), A-Train and even Triple H!) and a spooky green light shines out their eyes as the Undertaker floats down to the ring on a FLYING HEARSE (me: yawn!) And for Batsista's entrance they have fireworks. Anyway, they exchanged bearhugs for fifteen minutes, until finall they break out the punches (me: exciting!) and eventually Big Dave hits a big spinebuster but he's too tired to make the cover and then Undertaker hits a chokeslam but he's too tired to make the cover and then Triple H Zombie rips his bandages off and hits them both with the sledgehammer and says "I'll be back in action in eight to ten weeks, suck it!" Then the referee counts all the way to nine until Undertaker does the ZOMBE SIT-UP and Batista is still down so Undertakers win by knockout and he's fifteen and oh and he takes the mic and says "I'd like to dedicate this win to a man I murdered on the Great American Bash a few years ago, Paul Bearer!" Then he offers Bastista a handshake but Batista says he'll only give Taker a high-five and Taker says this is disrespectful and gives Batista the last ride through a table to continue the fued! (me: good way to continue the feud.) Then the ring announcer says "the only way a title can change hands is pinfall or submissionk, therefore STILL WWE champion Batista!" after Undertaker has left!
Now it's time for the long awaited REAL main event of John Cena versus The old Hearbreaking Kid himself, Shawn Michaels! They have a great back and forth action pizzacked match until it's time for the finishes! Shawn goes for sweet chin music but Cena ducks and grabs him for the FU, but Michaels wiggles free and goes for the superkick again but Cena catches his foot and spins him around into the FU again, but Shawn slides down his back to escape and goes to superkick Cena in the back of the head but Cena ducks FORWARDS this time and grabs him for the FU but Michaels flips over and lands on his feet and goes for the superkick again but Cena grabs his foot again and pulls him in for an FU but Shawn rakes the eyes(!) and goes for the superkick on the blinded Cena but Cena side-steps it! Then instead of going for the FU Cena does a crotch chop, but then Shawn does the "you can't see me" hand motion and they're both so angry that they run into each other and their heads collide and they both fall but Cena lands on top and gets the pin! Then Shawn says "John, Jack, the better man won, that's one man, that's you my main man, put it there, Jack!" and hugs him and Cena kisses him on the LIPS (me:!!!!!) and Shawn pulls back in disgust and Cena starts shaking his head saying "no, no, I thought you wanted it!" And that's the end of the show but is it also the end of Cena's manhood!?
WOW, what a WrestleMania and now for my special interview youve all been waiting for with Vickie Guerrero!
Me: OMG you've got a big fat ass! I mean I've seen fat asses before but yours really takes the cake! The cake you probably ate to get such a big fat ass, you fat-ass! You can't be the GM of Smackdown because your ass is too fat to fit in the office!
Vicki: *hangs up*
I guess it was too soon after Eddie's death for her to talk.
Well that's all the Hot Newz for now and FOREVER, YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS IS THE LIZZAST HOT NEWZ EVER! I hope you've enjoyed it but if you haven't then I hope you get run over by Optimus Prime and I don't care anyway because I've got a REAL life now that I've finally graduated High School, and I have a girlfriend demanding 24/7 hot sex which only I can provide, and if you don't like me bite me and if you ain't down with the last ever Hot Newz ever I've got buts too words for ya: MASTUR WANK!
Good God Altoona, you've convinced me to call my cable operation.. Best. WrestleMania. Evar!
Originally posted by Hot Newz Next up the Hardy Boys (me: more like the HARDLY MEN!) are interviewed about money in the bank but then Gregory Helms jumps in front of the camera and says "I should be in the money in the bank, beyotch!" and Matt says "Yeah, you wouldn't even need to climb the ladder to get the briefcase! You'd just need to eat lots of HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE until you're tall enough to reach!" and everyone laughs (me: LOL!) then Gregory says "yeah? WELL I SLEPT WITH LITA!" and Matt laughs and says "I know, everyone did!"
There was many a week where we would say NXT was the best show in wrestling just because it was delirious fun in the face of tedium. This week the show was just disconcertingly, conventionally good. WEIRD.