OMFGLOL I am back with more Hot Newz! Now I know I said I was quiting Hot Newz FOREVER to join the army, but it turns out you can't smoke weed in the army! Now as all my BLUNTBROTHAS know I have to smokea 4:20 at the same time every day (3:16 in the afternoon in honor of old Stone Cold!) so I had to say "Mister Army Recruiter you can take this job and SUCK IT!" This means that I have times to write more Hot Newz, until my mom forces me to get another job of course lol! She suggested McDonald's so I lied and pretended I was a vegan and couldn't work there for ethical reasons, but the bad side is that now I have to eat steamed cabbage for breakfast, lunch and dinner AND NOTHING ELSE!
Oh yeah I was lying when I said the last Hot Newz was the last Hot Newz ever. THIS one is!
Anyway the big newz on the horizon this week is that the injury bug is going about injur wrestlers with it's huge bug pinchers! First of all MISTER KENNEDY torn both his arms when he foolishly tried to bodyslam Funaki on a houseshow, the weakling! Then The Undertaker's bicep detached when he did a ZOMBIE SITUP too fast! His bicep rolled right up his arm and onto the top of his shoulder so if you looked at it you'd see a big bump on his shoulder and think he had SHOULDER CANCER but he didn't, it was his bicep! Undertaker is such a horse that he wanted to keep wrestling anyway but his HOT wife Sara took one look at it and said "JESUS CHRIST THAT AIN'T RIGHT!" so he went to a doctor! Next to be injured was that old hearbroken kid himself Shawn Michaels who was watching his old "lost my smile" interview on DVD and he laughed so hard at his own evil that he blew out his knees! Now THAT'S karma for you! Also, in bad newz, Mark Henry is NOT currently injured but don't worry he will be soon!
In other news, lots of wrestlers have been fired! Azrael the hot goth porn vampire was released because Stephanie was bullied by a goth in high school! Scotty 2 Hotty was released for doing the worm at home at a party without asking the WWE's permission (they own the copyright!) And Vito was realsed becuase he sucks!
The Iron Sheik and THe Ultimate Warrior are at wizzar! Sheikira (get it, like Shakira!) had THIS to say about the Warriror!
"WARRIOR! You biggest smelliest ape of them all! My good friend Muhammed Ali biggest blackest muslimest brother of funk of them all, he came to me in a dream and he told me Warrior, you dumb little littlest bitch, he told me, you pansy-queer, he told me, you jocksniffer, he told me to put you in the camel clutch and...pull back really hard so you tap out! And I'll do that Warrior...RIGHT AFTER I FUCK YOU UPA DA ASS! I'm gonna FUCK YOUR ASS like we are back in Georgia man! I'll make you humble, I'll make you bleed, I'll make you wish you is back in that casket the Undertaker sealed you in one time, that's right, I remember that, I have a memory! Kramer, you will pay for stealing my wife! Bart Simpson says "don't have a cow man" but I say MOOOOO!"
I think he got a bit confused at the end! Warriror hit back by saying THIS about Sheikster!
"A rudimentery fundamental percipitation of the US judicial system states verily that "thou shall not mess with the Warrior, especially not if you are a queer!" or, rather, it will do so when I am formally elected to my rightful holy postion of president of these United State on which I stand, sit, kneel and occasionally lie! That's lie down, in bed (not with other men, I'm not gay), not lie under oath like the egregious sociopath that was Bill Clinton, a true american LIBERAL and by that I mean homosexual! Rhubbarb rhubbarb! I believe subject "Iron Sheik's" rage towards Warrior is fueld by his homosexual lust for said Warrior (me) as all within the business we know as wrestling are well aware that he is a frequent player in the game of same gender fornication, also known as queering! Furthermore to the above, I dislike The Iron Sheik intensely and if I were still a man of violence rather than a man of vile homophobic bile, I would "layeth thine smack down" on his iranian posterior! Or should I say postQUEERior!"
That makes perfect sense to me!
There are LOTZ of ppvs going to happen at the moment, so many that even Dave Meltzer, a wrestling GEEK who lives, breathers, eat, sleep and screw wrestling 24/7 baby, has been left scratching his head seeing "gee golly whizz there's a lot of pay per views happening at the moment!" So in case you missed it somehow I will recape one of those recent paper views, none other than Judgement Day!
...unfortunately I didn't actually see Judgement Day because when I tried to download it a video of Vince McMahon wagging his finger appeared on my screen and he said "NUH UH PAL, THAT'S ILLEGAL!" and the cops were autmatically called! Luckily I was watching it at my friend Emo Eric's house and he was the one arrested for the illegal download and he later wrote a pretty good poem about the whole experience then flicked flecks of his dried up blood at me at school! Anyway, none of this is relevant! I have decided to let a GHOST COLUMNIST review Judgement Day in my place, none other than the ghost of THE BIG BOSSMAN, take it away, Boss!
Thanks Hot Newz! Keep flying right, and living by an honest code of law, order and justice otherwise my restless soul will come over to your house late at night and scare you up good, boy!
First match was Ric Flair versus Carlito! Man that Ric Flair he thinks he's so tough, but I was in that plane with him when it crashed back in 1975 and I just got up and shook it off and walked away and kicked some criminal ass, while Flair lay there on the ground crying about his broken back! Still, I like the way he chops people, man! Carlito worked over Flair's old arm and did lots of NASTY bad guy dropkicks! It reminded me of house shows where Rick Rude used to give me bad guy dropkicks, man they hurt almost as much as the things he said about my mother! Flair won the match with the good old figure four that never lets him down apart from when he's a heel and a good time was had by all!
Backstage Randy Orton rammed Shawn Michaels head through some metal! He should be arrested for that, and for smashing him up his hotel room, he'd get 35 years for both crimes combined if I was the arresting officer!
Next was Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon and Umaga versus Lashley! I was wrestling Yokozuna in Heaven the other day (I won) and he said Umaga is the toughest Samoan he's ever seen and I can't not disagree with that, no sir! Vince's hip "goo-rag" fell off right at the start revealing that HE HAD HAIR ALL ALONG which means he never REALLY had his head shaved and he's been conning the people all along! If I was still alive and still worked for the company I'd quit in protest! Anyway Lashley won in eight seconds with a British Bulldog powerslam! I tried to ask Bulldog in Heaven what he thought about that, but he was too busy trying to get a date with Princess Diana!
Next was some PUNK called CM Punk (at least his name's right!) versus Elijah Wood! Man that Punk had the WRONG tattoos in the WRONG places and lots of girly piercings, back in my day he'd be in court for that...WRESTLER court! And we'd find him guilty of being a big show-off and have The Nasty Boys give him a SHOOT Pit Stop! Punk had his ribs taped up with RIDICULOUSLY LARGE TAPE which again proves what a pussy-cat he is, back in my day when a man was injured we didn't tape our body up with cotton wool, we gutted through the pain! Anyway, this was an okay match BUT TWO DAMN LONG! Christ! Sure, vetrans like me and The Barbarian (is he still alive?) could pull of a match this long, but not young punks like these! Punk won in the "Go To Sleep" which is a fancy way of saying "knee to the face" and apparently he stole it from Japan! What's next, is he going to bomb Pearl Harbor!?
Shawn Michaels versus Randy Orton was next! I was surprised Shawn didn't have TAPE around his head to show he was injured! He just kept falling over and stuff and then the referee said "the winner is RANDY ORTON but not by pin because Shawn never loses by pin!" Well guess what referee, I beat him by pin at WrestleMania 5, me and Akeem, and Shawn ain't never gettin' that win back!
Next was The Hardy BOYZ and they are BOYZ make no mistake about it, versus Cade and Murdoch! I like them two texas folks, I could go for a drink with them, but they're not dead so I guess I can't! Not much to say except Matt Hardy hit a forearm so stiff at one point that I thought it was one of mine! But it couldn't have been, I'm dead! Hardyz won!
Next was Batistia (bad name for a wrestler!) versus Edge! Well guess what Batista had TAPE around his leg and it almost made me sick to my goddamn stomach, let me tell you! And Edge man he's so overrated, he only has one move and it's a running hug! I was a better wrestler than Edge, but did I get a world title run, NO, YOU KNOW I DIDN'T! I'm the ghost of the Big Bossman, by the way! Edge won with a roll-up and even Brutus Beefcake wouldn't have been proud of winning in such a way!
Next up they showed the Divas talking about something (I put the volume down so I didn't have to listen to their screechy womanly voices!) and MAN they should NOT have had close-ups of these girls because they did not look good! Jillian Hall is the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Dusty Rhodes naked! The only one who even looked acceptable was Mickie James but even she ain't up to the standards of the hot women we had back in the Bossman's day like Miss Elizabeth and Sweet Lady Saphire, who were watching this segment with me by the way!
Next up was Benoit versus MVP! MVP's entrance music is alright, not as good as mine or anything, maybe they should get SLICK to perform it and change the lyrics too...
Tick, Tock, it's the sound of the Clock, The Bossman was a better wrestler than Austin and the Rock!
Yeah I reckon they should do that! Well it's obvious Benoit is getting old because he can do NOTHING but chop and german suplex which is one move more than Ric Flair but still hugely disappointing and his workrate is suffereing as a result! Oh yeah, I'm Bossman...umm, I asked Eddie Guerrero and he agreed! MVP won in two straight falls which must mean Benoit is in the DOG HOUSE~!~! Maybe he's sleeping with the booker's spouse again, but that would mean he's sleeping with Triple H!!!!
Finally it's main event time and it's Cena versus Khali and it sucked okay! People say Khali is like Andre but let me tell you something, I knew Andre (I'm the Big Bossman's ghost, remember!) and he was nothing like Khali: he wasn't Indian for one thing! Cena won with the STFU which makes NO SENSE because Khali is too big for him to apply the move properly so I guess he must have had a fake leg on or something!
Overall it sucked!
Thanks Bossman...oh, I can't do it anymore! That wasn't Bossman's ghost, IT WAS ME AUSTIN, IT WAS ME ALL ALONG! Sorry if I SPOOKED any of you with my dead-on (lol) imitation of the Big Bossman's ghost and apologies to his family I suppose too!
WWE has another ppv coming up soon and that's called One Night Stand! They have decided not to announced ANY matches for it or even advertise it at all, on the hope that some people will just order it by accident or something I suppose! But I managed to sneak a look at the booking paragraph (usually it's a booking sheet but not much thought went into this one!) and here's is what it said!
Vince McMahon versus Lashly - At the start Vince points to himself and says "nobody is as extreme as V K M! And Sabu sucked too!" to bory RVD and Sabu! Then there's a 20 minute test of strength until eventually Linda McMahon comes out and says "Bobby, if you let Vince win I'll sleep with you!" and Lashley instantly lies down and Vince wins! Then Linda says "I'm good on my promises!" and they start to have sex and JR says "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHT IF THERE'S A GOOD GAWD IN HEAVEN THEN PLEASE LET ME GO BLIND RIGHT NOW AND FADE TO BLACK FOR THE VIEWERS AT HOME BECASUE THEY'RE GOOD FOLKS AND THEY DON'T DESERVE TO SEE THIS!" but it's too late and we've already seen everything! Talk about extreme!
Cena versus Great Khali Falls Count Anywhere - Right at the VERY START of the ppv you see them fighting backstage and they fight all the way into a nearby airport and get on a plane(!) then right at the END of the ppv we cut LIVE to INDIA where the plane lands and the fight continues in Khali's homeland! Khalie is about to give Cena a choke bomb into River Ganges (I know my geography!) when another giant runs over and saves Cena and picks up Khali and presses him above his head and throws him into the river! Then Cena says "yo dawg, who the h e double hockey sticks is you!" and the Giant says "RRRARRR DINGLE MUFFLE SLEKTWAG WOOF!" which means he's the Great Khali's nice brother and he and Cena hug! But then you see Khali's hand reaching out of the river and he's still alive and the feud continues!
OTHER MATCHES: Umm....Hardzy Boyz versus Cade and Murdoch is a "respect" match where the losers have to say they respect the winners and they do and they all just shake hands again and it's really boring! ALSO: Edge versus Tazz for some reason!
I'll be ordering it!
Anyway since this is a BUMPER OMNIBUS edition of Hot Newz here's a Smackdown and ECW spoilers from the Smackdown tapings I went to (did I mention that!?) and just got back from five minutes ago and here they are!
They decided to put ECW on first to stop people from walking out, but everyone just ran to the parking lot and waiting until the pain was over! Except me, I'm a JOURNALIST so I stayed with my girlfriend who is hot by the way except she was listening to Beyonce on her iPod the whole time and looking down (possibly at my package!) rather than at the ring so realy I was the only one watching! But when it airs on tv they'll use CGI to make it look like lots of fans are in attendance so watch out for that!!
Anyway first Vince came out and his hair was FULLY grown back and even longer and more lustorous than before! Vince said "okay you lousy ECW anit-heteros, I'm here today to take on one of the ECW orginals and PROVALISE that ECW sucked all along, haha!" and Sandman comes out drinking a bottle of vodka instead of beer for some reason and looking depressed and says "yeah, fine, whatever!" and Vince says "brave words, but can you back it up in the ring!?" and Sandman shrugs and walks away!
First match was CM Punk who is overrated versus Elijah Burke who isn't even rated! Anyway Burke kept "throwing hands" and Punk came back by "throwing feet" (kicks) until he hit the "SLEEPYTIME" move and Burke's neck snapped with a hideous snap and suddenly EMTs ran out and Punk started crying and looking at his hads and saying "why me oh lord!" So I think it was a draw.
Next is the newest most extremest new ECW roster member and that man is GOLDUST who comes out and says "YESSSSSSS, I'm back and RRRRRRRRREADY to suck it, mister Levesque I'm ready for my close-up!" and does a crotch chop!
Next was the EXTREME EXPOSE and Kelly Kelly and Layla got in a shoving match so a referee ran out to referee the shoving match but they both just shoved the referee down and kissed each other so I guess they're lesbians now!
FINALLY after what seemed like HOURS of the horrible ECW show it was time for the main even of VKM versus Sandman who was wearing a mailman outfit for some reason! And Vince won in 49 seconds with the McStunner and to be fair this was realistic because even though Sandman is 20 years younger he's not buff like Vince and anyway I think he was drunk! Then Vince said "the reason why you're dressed as a mailman? That's becasue YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRED and it's yoru new job, pal!" and then Shane ran out and said "Remember to fire Dreamer too!"
Next it was time for SMACKDOWN the smackiest show of them all some might say! Not me though!
First of all Edge came out and said "Hey listen to me, LISTEN TO ME, listen to the words I am SAYING, the words coming out my mouth, what's so hard ABOOT that, I am the CHAMPION you peons you better recognise!" then Matt Hardy comes out and says "You know Edge you slack-jawed yockel I'm SICK of you running your mouth every week about how you're the champion and we're peons, well the only thing we'd like to PEE ON is you!!!! Furthermore to the above since I have to wrestle on both Raw and Smackdown every week for NO EXTRA PAY I've decided I may as well have a title match with you and Teddy Loong agreed so be ready for that!!!" Then Edge says "well he also agreed there will be a SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE!" and who will it be well you just have to wait until the main event to find out that it's LITA!
First match was Kane and Boogeyman and Little Boogeyman against Regal and Taylor and Paul Burchill who is now an evil English butler(!) since Vince thinks Pirates of the Carribean sucks and butlers are where the money is! Kane won when he chokeslammed Burchill right out his butler boots but then Teddy Long came out and said "next week you'll face again in a cage match becasue I can't be bothered thinking up any other matches for you guys!" Then when Burchill thinks no one is looking at him he takes out his old eye patch and whispers "I wish I could quit you" to it!
Next up you see Vicki Guerrero and Krystal talking in Teddy's office and Vicki says "is everything going according to plan?" and Krystal says "yes it is although you know what I'm feeling a bit guilty because Teddy really is quite good in bed!" and Vicki slaps her and says "I'll get Chavo Classic to pleasure you when this is over okay!" and then Teddy walks into the office and says "talking about me, girls?" and Krystal says "plotting against you, how could you suggest such a thing, we're not plotting!" and runs away crying!
Next was the debut of those two hillbilly guys if you remember against Funaki and a jobber dressed as Scotty 2 Hotty because the real Scotty was fired if you remember and nobody noticed the difference and Fuanki won with a freak roll up but then the hillbillies said "squeal like a pig!" a million times to get their heat back!
Next up we see Paul London and Brian Kendrick watching the trailer for the new Transformers movie and London says "man that movie is going to KICKASS!" and Kendrick says "what are you SMOKING man, it's a Michael Bay movie, it will suck!" and London says "but they used the original transforming noise when Optimus transformed!" and Kendrick says "yeah but he had LAMEASS flames all over him!" and they start rolling around on the ground fighting until Ashley walks in and says "oooh, fun!" and starts rolling around with them too and the camea pans up and you hear SEX NOISES!
Next up it's time for MVP to have one of this boring, long, overrated matches that all the smarks and JBL love because he says the word "Kawada" in interviews! And this time the opponent is GUESS WHO Chris Benoit again (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) so I went to get hot dogs and when I got back Benoit was raising MVP's hand(!?) and Val Venis was lying on the mat covered in blood and Benoit said "the first victim of the Benoit/MVP alliance has just been VICTIMISED!"
Next up Jillian Hall comes out and starts singing "Behind These Hazel Eyes!" by Kelly Clarkson until Michelle McCool comes out and says "we have to take you BACK TO SCHOOL!" and that tag team she managed for a few weeks grab Jillian and throw a bag over her head and drag her backstage and JBL asks Michelle what's going on and Michelle says "we're taking her to camp...BAND CAMP!" and for the next six weeks there's a series of hilarious vignettes of Michelle and her tag team trying to TEACH Jillian how to sing!
Next up was Mark Henry versus Batista...in an ARM WRESTLING match! But Mark Henry was scared of taking on the big animal and said "can we make it a thumb war instead?" and Batista sighed and said "Fine. One two three four, I declare a thumb war!" but then Mark Henry just kicked him in the balls and said "ha, I didn't really want a thumb war at all!" and then he grabbed Batista's wife who was sitting in the front row (did I mention that!?) and carried her backstage like King Kong carrying a hot blond! But she wasn't blond, she was brunette!
Next up you say Krystal and Teddy Long in his office about to have sex and Krystal looks guilty and Teddy says "what's wrong Krystal, you love me don't you?" and Krystal is about to CONFESS ALL when Vicki Guerrero FAKES A HEART ATTACK to distract Teddy then Vicki whispers to Krystal "continue with the plan, I've got dirt on you remember!" and you see the range of emotions all over Krystal's face and she doesn't know what to do!
Next was Chavo verus Jimmy Yang Wank and they had a fine technical match until UMAGA walked out and destroyed them both and said "I'm not even on this show!" in perfect English then just walked away again!
Next up The Miz comes out and says "You know most of the time when I come out there I'm fooling and joking around and having fun, but there's nothing fun about hunger and poverty in third world nations!" then just walks away again! Then he walked by Umaga backstage and gave him a KNOWING SMILE so it must be the start of a big storyline or something!
FINALLY it was time for the big Matt Hardy versus Edge match we've all been waiting for and did you guess who the special guest referee is yet? It's Lita! Lita comes out wearing a SLUTTY referee costume and you could actually SMELL sex off of her (believe me, I know what it smells like!) that's how slutty she is in person and anyway she was a perfectly fair referee for some reason which makes you wonder what the whole point of this was unless they were just hoping that her cleavage would raise ratings (it certainly rose something in my pants!) and Edge won clean with the spear and sais "Matt, you know what? We've been through a lot together, but I do respect you and I'd like to shake your hand" and Matt considered it for a moment and then went to shake his hand but Edge pulled it back and ran it through his hair and said "HA, you stupid ZEEKAZOID! Did you think I'd really forgive a LOSERBOT like you!" and spits on him and walks backstage and Matt is left crying in the ring and Lita says "don't worry Matt, I still like you" and Matt says "really?" and Lita says "NO, WHY DO YOU THINK I CHEATED ON YOU, HAHAHAHA!" and walks away! Then you see Matt get his cell phone out and he dials a number and says "I need someone taken out" and then you see that it's CRYME TYME on the other end and they say "no problem, we'll murder Lita for you!" and it's a new continuing story line!
Finally you see Krystal go into a LOCAL POLICE STATION looking nervous and a fat doughnut eating cop says "yeah lady what do you want I haven't got all day here, Christ!" and Krystal says "I have something for you" and reaches between her breasts and pulls out a BROWN ENVELOPE and hands it to the cop who opens it up and he says "CHRIST, I can't believe this, come here Lou!" and Lou the cop comes over because there's always a cop called Lou and he reads it too and says "man, this information is enough to get Teddy Long fired!" and the first cops says "Yeah, well who'll be GM of Smackdown then?" and Lou says "who cares, Vicki Guerrero probably, come on let's do our job!" and they run out to arrest Teddy for whatever he's done (unpaid parking tickets!?) then Vicki steps out of the shadows (it's a shadowy police station!) and says "you've done well Krystal! Eddie died when Teddy was Smackdown GM so that makes it HIS fault!" and Krystal still looks upset but then she and Vicki MAKE OUT and Krystal says "may god have mercy on my soul!"
It was the 38th best Smackdown I've been to!
Well that's ALOMST all for this wizzeek but now the return of one of my most popular fieatures, SIGN IDEAS! If you get one of my sign ideas on tv I'll send you A HUNDRED BUCKS by email, I promise! Thanks to my friend TO from Toronto for suggesting some of these signs! In fact, he suggest so many I'll let HIM pay the one hundred big ones!!!
Mark Henry Tore My Sign - Because he's always tearing muscles!
If Cena Wins, We Diet - To be held by fat people!
RVD Has Educated Feet...They're Smart Enough To Walk Him Out Of The WWE!
KELLY KELLY HAS A SMELLY BELLY!
MVP: The Man You Pretend To Love To Hate But Really You Can't See What All The Hype Is About!
I'VE BEEN DRUNK SINCE 3/16 (THE SIXTEENTH OF MARCH!)
Thanks For The Memories Scotty...On Second Thoughts, Thanks For Nothing!
TNA = The Nutty (Kurt) Angle (show)!
Stephanie Released My Hot Goth Sign!
My Sign Is Booked Stronger Than Edge!
Orton Trashed My Sign - on a ripped up sign!
Signs Of The Times - with arrows point in all directions at all the other signs!
Well that's about the end of Hot Newz...for THIS addition anyway! Back sizzoon with more Hot Newz probably about Summerslam time to be honest unless someone offers me a job with a MAJOR WRESTLING WEBSITE before than or I get bored and write one sooner for all my fans and fangirls (especailly them!) IF YOU SMELLALALALALALA the stench of DEATH in the air!
My predictions for this week's RAW:
- The six man tag between the NWO and Bradshaw/Austin/Flair ends in a five-on-one beatdown on Flair, ending with Austin and Bradshaw joining the NWO. It was a swerve all along! Can anything stop the NWO now?!