B's always been one of my favorite internet writers (all the way back to his "Wrestling Uncensored" days as Swandive), but I think this paragraph is what really sold me on the all-around brilliance of this particular piece :
Originally posted by BDespite the political success of former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Hogan has never been able to see his political dreams through, most notably in a failed attempt at the U.S. presidency in 1998. Political experts agree that it could've been his boa and old lady sunglasses getup fueling homophobia or his two-toned beard causing discomfort in children and dogs (who only see in black and white, so to them Hogan looked like Trapjaw from He-man) that spoiled his run at the oval office, but I think it was due to the fact that he was IN CHARGE OF A LARGE GANG.
Alessandro "Hercules" Boondy
Just so you guys know: 75% of this crap [you read on the internet] is made up, either by the writer, or the wrestler the writer is getting the dirt from. Just so you know. -- Statement by "Tammy Sytch", from Hyatte's Dec. 29th column ... Lest we forget.
"And if you are dating a girl who has just broken up with Bret Hart, there's a pretty good chance that Hogan is going to waltz in and take her from you within ninety seconds."
OH, TAG!* *(copyright Lita and Scott Keith)
"If he starts stomping around, refrain from punching the Hulkster He's just walking around like a Parkinson's patient in tie-dyed leggings. Run up and stiff a knee in his back. Kick him in the legs. Pull out a gun and shoot him. DON'T PUNCH him. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES. It hasn't worked the previous FORTY MILLION TIMES, it isn't going to work this time."
Okay, this has to be one of the funniest things I have EVER read. Like BigVitoMark, I'm usually not a fan of the internet-wrestling-humor writers. But this was GOLD! Especially the line about nWo Mauve & Apricot wrestling nWo Duck Hats & Decorative Umbrellas.
The answer to WWE's financial problems...
Never 'Wiener of the Day', and is actually quite bitter about it.
I just finished watching Hulk and Brooke's apperance on Regis. Hulk says that being a "stage dad" is much harder than being a pro wrestler. He also says he's not retired, he's "tired".
They bring out Brooke, who's gotta be pushing six feet, cause she's not that much smaller than her father. AND she's a knockout. Where were all these girls when *I* was sixteen. Jeebus. Kelly makes the predictable joke about what guy would dare to ask out HULK HOGAN'S daughter, and thankfully, Hogan doesn't bite. He does drop that Brooke doesn't date, because he thinks sixteen's too young to date.
After the break, we have the World Televsion Premiere of Brooke....and god DAMN she cannot sing. Terrible. She's got the "pop artist that's desparately trying to not sound like a pop artist" thing down cold.
But hey, if the singing thing bombs, she could fall back into modeling. Or join that Diva Search-I'd vote for her over just about any of those other chicks...
"It's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond because that is what being a [man] is." -Jack Davenport, Coupling
Alessandro, I am forever in your debt. B. Swandive was always one of my favourite wrestling/entertainment writers back in the day, but I lost track of him. This site has his ENTIRE archive, so I've spent a good chunk of the afternoon laughing at old material once again.
Also, the new material on the website is great. The 'Top 50 Reasons to Hate The Yankees' had me almost choke on my Coke it was so funny.