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The W - Guest Columns - How to Please a Redneck
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Parts Unknown
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Since: 2.1.02
From: Darkenwood

Since last post: 52 days
Last activity: 20 hours
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.53
I went to section 116, row L, seat 18 and hoped for the best. I was two seats from the aisle. It was 15 minutes until the dark matches and no one had shown up to claim those two seats.

The Ford Center was packed and the seats were as close together as the stands at Tri-State Speedway on Budweiser Kegger night. I hoped beyond hope that no one would sit next to me and I would have a luxury I'd never before enjoyed at a wrestling show: leg room.

Then, Bubba showed up.

He came stumbling down the stairs of the lower concourse with liquor on his breath and trouble on his mind. When he reached our row, he just stood there looking at me. He made no move to sit down, so I assumed he needed to get past me to reach another empty seat in the middle of my row. I stood up and said, "Hey man, you need in?"

And in his best drawl, Bubba replied, "NAW. Sittin' here," and nodded to the seat next to me.

Bubba looked like the Big Bossman. He was fat. He was wearing a pearl-buttoned western shirt with the sleeves torn off. He had his name tattooed on his biceps and had a hat the Undertaker would have liked to steal. He slung his black Carhart coat over the back of the chair and slumped into his seat, his hip grinding down my shoulder. He had Beer #1, a watery-looking draught of Coors, sloshing around in his hand.

I decided to make the best of the situation by observing, first-hand, the wrestling preferences of the archetypal sweaty redneck. I watched Bubba closely all night to discover what yanked his chain when it came to his rasslin.'

My findings:

1. Bubba likes OTHER REDNECKS.
Why was I suprised by this? Bubba cheered most loudly for Jamie Noble, Spike Dudley, and BILLY GUNN. When "Ass Man" came through the speakers, I thought Bubba would swallow his chaw. By that time, he had Beer #5 down his gullet and was singing along. No matter what Gunn did, Bubba liked it. Except when Gunn lost. Maybe there was a bit of name recognition there, too. I bet Bubba watched Raw a few times during the Attitude era and was a huge New Age Outlaws fan. I bet he didn't watch Billy's gay period.

2. Bubba likes WIMMIN.
My ear rang for a full day after the Smackdown taping because of Bubba's ultra-shrill whistling. I've never mastered that skill, but Bubba had, and he used it for the Divas video, for Torrie Wilson and especially for Miss Jackie. He would send a whipping vortex of beer breath through his gapped teeth and emit the most disorienting, ear-breaking whistle I've ever heard. Seriously, it was so loud, my ear drum must have vibrated and I temporarily lost my equilibrium and almost fell over. And one whistle, mind you, was not enough. When Miss Jackie was at ringside, Bubba ran down the concourse to the barricade and whistled from there. A thousand times. Loudly.

3. Bubba likes PISSING.
Or at least he did it a lot. He was up and down, up and down all night. And every time he sat down, his Wranglers would grind down my arm and give me the denim equivalent of carpet burn. Each time he sat back down, he let out a grunt, a long, satisfied sigh and a small "oh hell yeah."

4. Bubba likes STONE COLD.
This might go under heading 1, but his love for the Rattlesnake was much larger than his admiration of the Ass Man. Bubba left during the Nunzio/Chavo match and took a really long time to come back. I thought he was gone for good, so I stretched out. When he finally re-emerged, he had a Stone Cold shirt. He expounded: "Hadta git me a Stone Cole shirt!" And then he put it on. And then he yelled "WHAT?"

5. Bubba likes to BEAT THE CROWD.
My dad used to do this when I was a kid, so I'm familiar with it. We went to a Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson concert in Tulsa when I was eight and dad committed an atrocity: he left before Willie's closing number. "Gotta beat the crowd," he said, meaning that he didn't want to get stuck in a long line of cars. Bubba has the same philosophy because he skipped the main event. Maybe he knew Eddie would topple Bubba Ray, and that upset him. But at any rate, Bubba went out for a Coors and never came back.

(edited by Parts Unknown on 29.4.04 0909)


"If in your journey you should encounter God, God will be cut." - Hattori Hanzo, Kill Bill Vol. 1

"Begun, the sig war has!" - Yoda, after reading The W
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Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1431 days
Last activity: 339 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
Funny stuff, PU.

I noticed a similar thing with two young marks who were sitting behind me at the San Antonio Smackdown.

This was their best line of the night. It was during the dark match and Matt Capotelli and Funaki were just starting to lock up. Predictably, the crowd went silent. The lockup went a little too long.


"DO SOMETHING, faggot!" the kid behind me yelled.



-- Asteroid Boy


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02, 3.12.03

"In addition, my tickets weren’t really what you’d expect from the webmaster of the internet’s largest independent pro-wrestling website." - Widro

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"Was he no-selling?" - Me


Torchslasher
Knackwurst








Since: 17.1.02
From: New F'n Jersey

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 1 day
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.75
I guess my question would be: Did Bubba give any love to JBL? Was Bubba upset that JBL has turned from his more redneck tendencies to live a more lavish, "yankee" lifestyle?

Actually, I suppose Bubba saw right through JBL's guise. Bubba knows that JBL doesn't believe what he is saying. Am I right?



"Did Webb see it?"- Cal Meechum
"Unless he's blind"- Joe Wilson
"Check him. Oh, and Joe, until we find out what happened all three of us are blind"- Cal
"I'll go poke Webb's eyes out"- Crow T. Robot

MST3K- The Movie
Parts Unknown
Lap cheong








Since: 2.1.02
From: Darkenwood

Since last post: 52 days
Last activity: 20 hours
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.53
Surprisingly, Bubba booed JBL, just like everyone else. Probably because he's rich, see.



"If in your journey you should encounter God, God will be cut." - Hattori Hanzo, Kill Bill Vol. 1

"Begun, the sig war has!" - Yoda, after reading The W
The Amazing Salami
Sujuk








Since: 23.5.02
From: Oklahoma

Since last post: 3789 days
Last activity: 3789 days
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.50
I would think that Bubba doesn't really get it that "APA Bradshaw" and "JBL" are the same guy. At least that's the vibe I got from him at the show.



The Amazing Salami's Not-So-Random
W of the Arbitrary Segment of Time


TARNISH
Tarnish says:It was one of the best beers I've had in yonks.
It's False
Scrapple








Since: 20.6.02
From: I am the Tag Team Champions!

Since last post: 11 days
Last activity: 2 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.86
    Originally posted by Parts Unknown
    4. Bubba likes STONE COLD.
    This might go under heading 1, but his love for the Rattlesnake was much larger than his admiration of the Ass Man. Bubba left during the Nunzio/Chavo match and took a really long time to come back. I thought he was gone for good, so I stretched out. When he finally re-emerged, he had a Stone Cold shirt. He expounded: "Hadta git me a Stone Cole shirt!" And then he put it on. And then he yelled "WHAT?"


Interesting, to say the least.

For one thing, I thought WWE would have stopped selling Stone Cold merchandise after they parted ways with Austin. Furthermore, I'm somewhat surprised to see Bubba is such an Austin enthusiast. Maybe it's jaded smarkness, but I'm somewhat surprised.




I'll take Shadow Stevens to block!
The Amazing Salami
Sujuk








Since: 23.5.02
From: Oklahoma

Since last post: 3789 days
Last activity: 3789 days
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.50
    Originally posted by It's False
    For one thing, I thought WWE would have stopped selling Stone Cold merchandise after they parted ways with Austin.


It was heavily discounted.



The Amazing Salami's Not-So-Random
W of the Arbitrary Segment of Time


TARNISH
Tarnish says:It was one of the best beers I've had in yonks.
Parts Unknown
Lap cheong








Since: 2.1.02
From: Darkenwood

Since last post: 52 days
Last activity: 20 hours
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.53
    Originally posted by It's False
      Originally posted by Parts Unknown
      4. Bubba likes STONE COLD.
      This might go under heading 1, but his love for the Rattlesnake was much larger than his admiration of the Ass Man. Bubba left during the Nunzio/Chavo match and took a really long time to come back. I thought he was gone for good, so I stretched out. When he finally re-emerged, he had a Stone Cold shirt. He expounded: "Hadta git me a Stone Cole shirt!" And then he put it on. And then he yelled "WHAT?"


    Interesting, to say the least.

    For one thing, I thought WWE would have stopped selling Stone Cold merchandise after they parted ways with Austin. Furthermore, I'm somewhat surprised to see Bubba is such an Austin enthusiast. Maybe it's jaded smarkness, but I'm somewhat surprised.


I would say the amount of Stone Cold merchandise in the crowd (including that which was newly-bought at the show) was rivaled only by the amount of Cena merchandise. Considering Stone Cold is not even with the company anymore, let alone a wrestler, let alone on Smackdown...that says a lot.



"If in your journey you should encounter God, God will be cut." - Hattori Hanzo, Kill Bill Vol. 1

"Begun, the sig war has!" - Yoda, after reading The W
asteroidboy
Andouille








Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1431 days
Last activity: 339 days
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
I'd imagine that's been the case since 1997, though. Stone Cold is gonna outsell everything else, until something new comes along. You still see marks with NWO shirts on..



-- Asteroid Boy


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02, 3.12.03

"In addition, my tickets weren’t really what you’d expect from the webmaster of the internet’s largest independent pro-wrestling website." - Widro

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me


HrdCoreJoe
Potato korv








Since: 29.4.02
From: Jax, FL

Since last post: 1060 days
Last activity: 1059 days
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#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.88
Should I feel bad that I was wearing my NWO shirt the other day?



Andy Richter does indeed control the universe.
asteroidboy
Andouille








Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 1431 days
Last activity: 339 days
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
    Originally posted by HrdCoreJoe
    Should I feel bad that I was wearing my NWO shirt the other day?


Not at all, I was just sayin' that some things have more staying power than others.



-- Asteroid Boy


Wiener of the day: 23.7.02, 3.12.03

"In addition, my tickets weren’t really what you’d expect from the webmaster of the internet’s largest independent pro-wrestling website." - Widro

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me


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They didn't give me an airdate, but the Big Vito/Buff match was being advertised as the "First Ever XWF Match" - so I imagine the matches were each plucked from the various stuff they shot in November or December 2001...
- cfgb, XWF: 110% Heart (2003)
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