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The W - Guest Columns - Hot Newz Rant For Judgement Day!
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Hot Newz

Since: 2.1.02

Since last post: 348 days
Last activity: 141 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.93
Judgement Day is on right nizzow so Ive decided to RANT on this show LIVE as it happns, LIVE! So here are my uncensored, unbiased LIVE thoughts on WCW's Thunder's pay per view (LOL, I'm teh first person EVER to make that joke!)

LIVE from the Staple Center in LA, the city of Angles! OMG, I can't believe Angel got cancelled.

Heat match is Spike Dudley versus Mark Jindrak! I search for pics nude pics of Gail Kim to masturwank over! And I found one with visible nipple slip! Wait, that's Funkai not Spike!!!! why doenst Funaki get a push? He could managed Gail Kim! OMG Jindrak did a dropkick then pushups, then sit-ups and then nipped up. What a homo! But he's still better than Scott Steiner lol. Jindrak won with a suplex/rock bottom thing! Match was Better than I expected! 1/4*

Bye the way, I'm watching this match with FRIENDZ (only loosers watch Smackdown alone!) so if I miss anything, it's their fault for distracting me, because they're all drunk! and some of them are girls!!!!!1

Rey Mysterio and RVD versus The Dudleyz!

Good choice for an opener...IN HELL! Joke, lol. My friend JamesX69 hasn't watched wrestling for years and he thinks the Dudleyz are still faces! ANd that Rey is Max Mini! So I put him in the figure four, but he no-sold it. Bastard! The Duleyz beat down RVD to start but then he BRINGS THE WORKRATE with a monkey flip and backdrop then does a topay con hilo for the mexican fans to mark to then Rey just jumps off the top! but the Dudleyz just no sell it all ruining this great match and pull the rope down and heel beatdown RVD, yawn! Rey should play Ricky Morton because he's a better seller, IMMHO! but he makes the hot tag and Rey spring boards in to hit Buh Buh in the face with his crotch! And Rey flies about a bit and tries to use his crotch again but then he gets hotshotted now he's playing Ricky Morton! good! Who is Ricky Morton anyway? The fans are into this match because they KNOW this show is going downhill from here! Rey hits some move (I missed it beccasuse a girls breasts were in the way) but the ref doesnt see the tag! And Buh Buh hits Rey with a MAIN EVENT spinebuster and then he calls Rey a pinata, what a racist! But Rey hits a stunner and I guess other people are allowed to do that now Austin's been fired! RVD gets the tag and hits spinkicks (what a shocker!) and the rolling thunder (THUNDER LOL!) and oh shit that's his moveset done! Rey gives Bubbah the bronco buster and that's the third time he's put his crotch in Bubbah's face, hmm! RVD thorws Rey into a rana on D-Von but they stole that move from Rey and Edge! Then Rey hits a doulbe 619 and RVD hits a SINGLE five star frogsplash (and that's the only five stars we'll be seeing tonite!) and that's it! OMG, why are they pushing RVD, he must have re-signed his contract!!!!!!!!****1/2

Booker T does an interview with his BAG OF DIRT~! and that Girl with the breasts sez this is stupid and leaves with JamesX69, deezamn!

Then Luther Biggs pushes a box on wheels down and Kurt Angle rises out of it, like a Phoenix rizing from Arizona!!! and Kurt wastes TEN MINUTES calling LA gay then finally asks Torrie Wilson to come out and DEMANDS that she give him a blowjob! I think, my friend Big Mikey was throwing up (too much beer and alcohol!) so I couldnt hear (due to him wretching!) Torrie's wearing a hot pink outfit at least, shame about her face! And Kurt makes her long awaited Royal Rumble 2003 rematch with Dawn Maire a RETIREMENT MATCH!!!!!!!!!~! I wnat a box on wheels!

Torrie Wilson versus Dawn Marie

These two women should NEVER wrestle! Only good Diva wrestlers like Trish and Gail Kim should wrestle! And Trish and Gail are hotter than Torrie and Dawn too, especially Gail! I love her big asian boobs! I wish this was a RAW show. OMG Dawn is blown up just two minutes into the match, what is she, The Big Show!? LOL at the "DUD" sign in the front row...but it should be a negative -***** for this match!!! OMFG OMFG TORRIE JUST PULLED DAWN'S TIGHTS ALL THE WAY OFF YOU CAN SEE HER WHOLE ASS AND I THINK I SAW HER BUSH FOR A SECOND THERE OMG!!!¬! And Torrie won! and me and my friends marked out for Torrie's ass but my mom came down stairs and said we're making too much noise and threw my friends out so now I'm all alone like a looser. I HATE MY MOM! And torrie's carreer isnt over unfortunately and mabye she'll go after the cruiserweight title now. DUD.

Brad Shaw does a promo where he says he hates Mexicans because they dont speak English and arent white! Good points!

Mordecia versus Mystery Opponent

The mystery opponent is.....EL GRAN LUCHADORE!!!!! JK lol it's just Scott Too Sucky. I wish he did drugs like Grand Master Sexay so he'd get fired too! And Mordechi has a kewl entracne with a big spear or something (not his penis) but you can tell he's a stiff (not his penis) and this match is going to suck so I search for Lita pics! But then I remembered that Lita isnt hot anymore so I searched for more Gail Kim pics from when she was a pr0n star in Korea but I couldnt find any damn! ANd Mordekay wins with the Razor's Edge, but even a drunken Scott Hall has a better workrate! And he has a cross with barbwire, not a spear, so he is kind of kewl I must admint! DUD

John Cena fantix thing, I might order it because it shows him slapping Stephanie's fine, fiiiiiine ass!

Backstage Jackie gives Chavo bra and panties! And Chavo Classic sniffs them, pervert! Jackie's breasts alone are above the cruiserweight weight limit!!

Rico and Charlie Haass versus Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn

The hits just keep on coming! Miss Jackie is kind of hot but not as hot as Trish or Gail Kim so I won't masturwank during this match, which means I'll have to actually watch it. Rico plays grabass with Hardcore and Billy but you'd think Billy Gunn would like that lol get it he's a gay! And anyway this is unfunny comedy and bad workrate and that is a deadly combination! Hardcore and Charlie do some mat wrestling but then Rico cums in and humps Holly's ass! I'm glad my friends left because they'd think I was gay watching this! But I'm not! I'm STREIGHT! Billy Gunn gets blown-up just from the Rico riding him like a sexy pony spot! Then Charlie gets beatdown I guess to avoid charges of gay-bashing. then Hardcore does that move where he jumps off the top into Charlie's boot (stupid move if you ask me!) and Charlie finally gets the HIZZOTT tag to Rico! And then Holly gues for the Mississsipi slam on Charlie but Rico kicks him and Charlie pins him and the cahmpions retain!!! DUD

Paul Bearer and Underworkrater do a promo so I masturwank over Kristin Kreuk from Smallville.

Jackiecline versus Chave with one hand tied behind his back

It's weird how someone with such big boobs can give me NO boner at all! I'm talking about Jacqui not Chavo Classic lol! and OMG Jacqueline gets NO reaction from the fans because they realize she sucks! Myabe if it was a women who can actually do high flying moves (like Gail Kim!) fighting Chavo this match would be believable...but it's not! Jackie does some weak kicks and Chavo has to sell them and I weep for humanity. Chavo classic unties Chavo's hand and he cheats! this is stupid, becuase I have an uncle with one arm and he beats his wife ALL THE TIME so you'd think Chavo could beat Jackie with one hand! Chavoe wins with both hands and somone has a "STU FEARS CRZ" sigh and I can only assume they meant Scott instead of Stu, lol! Unless it's Stewey from Family Guy, but that would make no sense! DUD

John Cena versus Renee Dupree

Cena does his WORST RAP YET and doesn't even call Cole gay! I'm reducing this matchs score by ** just for that! I refuse to watch this match so instead I change my desktop background to Gail Kim in a bikini and look at it for a while. BUt I'll have to change it back to normal soon because my mom uses this computer too, the stupid beyotch! But I look at the match anyway just in time to see Cena do a Lou Theezz Press (may he rest in peace!) and everyone's ripping off Austin tonight arent they!? Then Dupree does some BORING moves and Cole says Rene is only 18 years old well he should still be in highschool in Franch if you ask me! but then Cena takes a nice bump to the floor so I have to give the ** back. BUT THEN Duprre actually does a fukkin' BEARHUG so there goes those ** agayne! He should learn some kewl submissions like Gail Kim does. Then Cena breaks the hold and goes for the ghey Five knuckle shuffle...BUT MISSES LOL! ** back on! Then Dupree does the sexy french dance but misses the french elbow! Then Duprre hits a DDT AND a neckbreaker! Pyscology! Then Cena sits on him for two, backslide for two and F-U for da pin! So Dupree is just a total jobber I guess! And Cena worked harder here than he usually does but on the other hand the match sucked so. **

Underworkrater/Booker video package and Takers enterance are so long that I can masturwank over a mental image of Gail Kim making Victoria tap out (I HATE Victoria! But remember, I LIKED Victoria like six months before everyone else, so in six months the whole internet will hate Victoria too!) from RAW AND have a pee AND get (mom to make) a snack (for me)!

Undertaker with Pual Bearer versus Booker T with bag of dirt

This is ALMOST actually a decent match! Undertaker hits Booker for a few minutes, then Booker punches Undertaker a couple of times but keeps stopping to rub himself with the bag of dirt (no, not like THAT you perverts!) and Undertaker hits the OLD SKOOL flying clothesline! Then he does the MMA move and the fans are like "Huh, how does that hurt!?" but Booker throws the dirt in Undertaker's face...and Undertaker completly NO SALES it! OMFG, he wont even work his own gimmick, that dirt is supposed to be like Kryptonite to Undertaker! ANd Booker hits him in the leg a few times but then forgets about the leg and puts him in a facelock then gets bored of taht and hits the ask kick...and Undertaker no sells that too completely ruining this great match! It's like WrestleMania19 all over again, godamnit! Then Undertaker hits the chokelsam and tombstone and that's it finished and that's Booker's fukking carreer probably finished too, thanks MARK. DUD

Eddy Guerrera versus Brad "John Leyfield" Shaw

This is gonna suck ass! Before the match Brad Shaw says Mexicans are gay and he offers to make Eddie's mom his maid! And then he says that when Eddie's mom bends down to clean his kitchen floor, he'll rape her up the ass! I can't believe he got away with saying that on tv! Anyway, they brawl all around the ring and tables and intot he crowd and up the ramp and shit because Eddy is stealing from Steve Austin too! Then Brad Shaw hits a big bizzoot and puts the headlock on because that's the only move he can remember from wrestling scoohl! Eddie hits two armdrags then Brad Shaw is supposed to backdrop him through the spanish announce table but Brad Shaw's so blown up from the headlocks and he fucks-up and the table doesnt break! Then Brad Shaw does the FUKKIN' BEARHUG but thank the god lord above that Eddie gets out and does his three amigo suplexes! But then Eddie just runs right into the referee! Dumbass! Then they go outside and Brad Shaw hits Eddie with a chair...AND OMFG, THIS AVERAGE MATCH JUST BECAME THE BEST MATCH EVER! Eddie does the best bladejob EVER and bleeds literally GALLONS of blood all over the place! And Tazz was standing next to Eddie so mabye he bladed Eddie for him because Tazz used to be in ECDUB and knows a thing or two about good bladejobs! And it looks like Eddie's been bladed all the way through his skull to the brain! bThis is sizzick, I love it! Eddie bleeds MORE AND MORE and I've seen movies where guys have DIED from being stabbed and bleeding less so I dont understand how Eddie is still alive! And Brad Shaw hits the clothesline from hell and another ref counts but it only gets two! Then he hits the powerbomb and the first ref counts and I was like "Oh shit, Brad Shaw's going to win!" but Eddie kicks out! Then eddie starts no-selling and doing his sexy mexican dance! And he reverses a move into a DDT because he has to do that in EVERY ppv match but misses the frogsplash! then Brad Shaw goes to hit Eddie with the belt but Eddie kicks him square in the nutz! Now, if I was booking, at this point Eddie's wife would come down and hit Eddie with a chair and give Brad Shaw the win! And she'd say "It's nothing personal Eddie, but as you know I'm an illegal immigrant alien and Brad Shaw said he'd make me an american! Do you have my citizenship papers, Brad?" and Brad Shaw would say "Sure, I've got your papers right HERE!" andd give her the clothesline from hell then say "Now go back to Mexico you skanky ho and pick some beans!" But instead the WWE just has Eddie hit Brad Shaw with the belt and get DQifiied! Then Eddie hits Brad Shaw with a chair and he blades too but it's not as good as Eddie's (he should have got Tazz to do it!) then hits Brad Shaw with the frogsplah but then Dean Malenko, Fitt Finlay and Arn Anderson hold him back and wouldnt a four way between those three and Eddie be great!? Anyway, this was the best match I've EVER seen right until the cheap DQ end which RUINED IT just like Mankind/Shawn Michaels at Good Friends Better Enemies so I can't in good conscience give it five stars. ****3/4

TEH BOTTOM LINE: Well this show sucked a horse's ass right until the last match which ruled since Brad Shaw surprised the whole internet and brought the workrate! And Eddie brought the blood making the match like Kill Bill but only with a better story! So I'll say one thumb in the middle, one thumb between the middle and up!

Thanx 4 joinning me!!!!!!!1


Promote this thread!

Since: 22.1.02
From: Texas

Since last post: 3042 days
Last activity: 246 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.95
    Originally posted by Hot Newz
    Then they go outside and Brad Shaw hits Eddie with a chair...AND OMFG, THIS AVERAGE MATCH JUST BECAME THE BEST MATCH EVER!


Lots of great stuff in this one, but that took the cake. Thanks, HN.

-- Asteroid Boy

Wiener of the day: 23.7.02, 3.12.03

"In addition, my tickets weren’t really what you’d expect from the webmaster of the internet’s largest independent pro-wrestling website." - Widro

"My brother saw the Undertaker walking through an airport." - Rex
"Was he no-selling?" - Me

Packman V2

Since: 16.3.04
From: Albuquerque, NM

Since last post: 26 days
Last activity: 1 day
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 0.71
His columns always manage to crack me up...never fails.

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