OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is CM PUNK, CM PUMK, CM PUNK, Melina and CM PUNK! And also CM Punk! ALOT has happened with Punk over the last month, so much that when I tried to write abuot it earlier, my keyboard CAUGHT FIRE because I was typing so much! But have no fear, I've got a flame retarded keyboard now and I'm back! I have had literaly SOME emails asking me if the various crazy thigns done by Punk have been works or shoots or shorks or whoots or even shizbangs! To solve those mysteries I have prepared a FLOWCHART showing which is which!
Punk's "shoot" promo on RAW: TOTAL WORK but based on a SHOOT. Punk got angry backstage one week after jobbing to KANE and started shooting to the Diva he was currently banging (let's say...Eve) about all the stuff from the promo! But he was mainly saying it all to turn her on! Eve then repeated the story to the next Superstar she banged and he repeated it to the next Dvia HE banged and soon everyone knew! So when it came time for this angle, the writers had Punk repeat this shoot to them so they could SCRIPT the "shoot" promo on RAW! The only part that was a real shoot was when Punk said hi to Colt Cabana! He was supposed to say hi to Scotty Goldman!
Punk's contract expiring the day of Money In The Bank: WORK that became a SHOOT! As Dave "MMA is my life" Meltzer reported, Punk's actual contract expires on September 11th (hmm...)! BUT to make the angle more real, Punk actually QUIT the WWE briefly so that his contract was INVALID, and signed a NEW contract that expired on the date of Money In The Bank, THEN signed a NEW NEW contract one minute after midnight on the day of Money In The Bank! So it was a confusing, pointless mix of real and fake!
Punk crashing Comic Con: SHOOT! Punk was actually looking for the Game Of Thrones panel (he was going to ask why they created the prostitute character Ros for the show but left out characters from the book like Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully!) and wondered in to the WWE panel by mistake! He then made the best of a bad sitution by saying Triple H has a big nose and asking him to re-sign Koko B. Ware.
Stephanie having Punk's phone number: SHOOT! She's his boss so logically she would have it. They haven't had sex. The only WWE Superstars Stephanie has had sex with are Triple H, Chris Jericho, Test (RIP), Rodney (but NOT Pete Gas, she has standards), Paul London (he mentions in one of his 281 stoned shoot interviews!), Snitsky and A CERTAIN MAN I CANNOT NAME, BUT HE'S QUITE A MACHO GUY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, OOOOH YEAH! (Razor Ramon.)
Vince McMahon quitting the company and Triple H saying "I love you, pop" - Shoot worked worked shoot shoot!
Triple H re-signing Punk because it's "good for business." - WORK! Punk makes no difference to business at all (they might as well have Heidenreich in the same role for all the difference it's made to ratings and buy rates!), but by claiming that he's "good for business" Triple H hopes to fool people into watching RAW beause they'll think "hey, if this Punk guy is good for business, he must be worth watching!"
Gail Kim has also got in on the shooting! After being eliminated from the RAW Divas battle royal in four seconds, Kim tweeted on the way backstage "was just booked to be eliminated from the battle royal in two seconds but stayed in for four. Will anyone notice?" It is thought that Kim only did this to TURN ON Punk since she's one of the few Divas he's never banged (he thinks she's still dating Daniel Bryan and respects him beacuse they're both great workers!) This plan BACKFIRED on Kim when she got backstage and Triple H was waiting for her and said "you suck, your ass is fired! And you don't even have an ass!" and did a crotch chop! Kim said "OMG, you saw the tweet already?" and Triple H said "what tweet?"
Melina has also been fizzired! Even though Melina was the best female worker in the history for wrestling (Bret Hart said it so it must be true and she can do the splits and eveything!) WWE decided to sacrifice her in order to force John Morrison to "man up"! Even though he's currently posting EMO POETRY on his Twitter about how much he loves Melina, soon he will find comfort in the bed of another Diva (Natalya, who suddenly got hot after turning heel!) since he IS a man and no man can go without pussy for too long (I can barely last an hour!) To stop him getting too attached to Natalya, she will turn into a bitch (she is a woman after all!) and dump him for no reason! This will toughen up Morrison and turn him into a REAL MAN who hates women and make him a better wrestler!
UPDATE: WWE are now trying to get Melina evicted from her own home in cast Morrison goes there looking for her!
David Hart Smith has also been sizzacked after authorised wearing of a cowboy hat on Superstars three months ago.
Chris Masters is also gizzone! To understand the reason why, I present to you the transcript of a phone conversation between Triple H and Johnny Ace where they were discussing who to fire!
HHH: How about Chris Masters? Johnny Ace: Don't you watch Superstars? He's pretty good now. HHH: Of course I watch Superstars! Every week I make Stephanie wait another forty minutes before I pleasure her becasue I'm catching up on what Masters, JTG and Alicia Fox are doing! I know he's good now. Johnny Ace: So why release him? HHH: Remember about five years ago I cut a promo on RAW calling him a shaved gorilla after he got off the gas? Johnny Ace: Yeah, that was mean. HHH: My character was mean! It's what he would have said! Anyway, Chris couldn't work back then, he deserved to be released. Johnny Ace: Right, back then, but he's good now! An asset to the company! To Superstars anyway. HHH: Yeah, but my character said he sucks. So by becoming a good worker, he's made my character look stupid! My character wouldn't stand for that. That's why he has to be released! Johnny Ace: But that sounds really petty and childish. HHH: Exactly! That's what my character is, really petty and childish! And most importantly, that's how the internet sees me! Johnny Ace: Oh, I get it, you want to release Chris Masters to work the internet! HHH: Right! Johnny Ace: Even though you're a great guy really, you want to trick the internet into thinking you're really petty and childish becaue this will make money somehow. HHH: And it's worth firing Chris Masters just for that!
Poor Chris! But don't worry, he will show up on Impact in three weeks, but Sting in a REVERSE Full Nelson, say "you wanted me to be bizarre, YOU GOT IT, JACK!", job to that twat Anderson the next week, then form a tag team with Abyss to feud with two other tall guys...but they can't get along!
Vladamire Koslov was also rizzeleased I actually managed to bag an EXCLUSIVE 30 interview with him and find out the REAL reason why...but all his answers were in Russian so I can't tell you what the reason was!
Zach Ryder's release IS of course coming, WWE are just waiting for the right moment to do so. The right moment will be when his release causes the MAXIMUM amount of pain to his thousands of internet fans because hurting internet fans is what's really important! Expect it to happen after a RAW in Long Island where Zach finally gets a big win over someone like Dolph Ziggler or R-Truth or even Miz and it looks like his career is FINALLY about to take off...then next week he's Future Endeavored and Cole says "YEAH, NO ONE CALLED ZACH WORKS HERE, HAHA!" then a midget dressed as Ryder comes out to the ring and Chimmel kicks it in the face and Cole says "EVEN CHIMMEL'S BETTER THAN THAT LOSER!" and then there's just five minutes of a close-up of Cole's face smiling smugly.
Jindar Mahall WAS going to be released until someone remembered that he's married to the Great Khali's sister and if he was fired he'd take it out on her, so he gets to keep his job!
The only reason Trent Barreta hasn't been released is because he was never actually under contract! He just showed up one week and started wrestling and everyone just assumed he must work there and never thought about him again!
Due to so many Divas being released or quitting or being injured banging CM Punk, AJ will be locked in a room for a week with DVDS of ALL the greatest Japanese wrestlers (Justin "Thunder" Lightning, Kenta Kobana, Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Rikishidozan, Tajiri, TENTA, Stan Handsome and Fuanki!) to BRAINWASH her into being a great worker who will save the Divas divison!
Summerslam is THIS Sunday! For some reason there are only four matches this year, but it doesn't matter when one of those matches is the biggest match ever (Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix!) Here are the results!
Shameus verus Mark Henry - Mark Henry gives Shameus a World's Strongest Slam RIGHT THROUGH THE RING! Then Mark comes up holding his arms in the air claiming to have won! The referee says "you can't have pinned hm under the ring!" and Mark says "but the underneath the ring referee counted three!" and the referee says "but there is no underneath the ring referee..." and HORNSWOGGLE pops out from the hole in the ring wearing a referee shirt and punches Mark Henry in the balls! Then Shameus hits the Rogue Kick for the three and JR shouts "BAH GAWD, SHAMEUS AND HORNSWOGGLE HAVE TEAM UP TO SCREW WITH MARK HENRY AND CAUSE MISCHIEF!" to explain what happened to the really thick fans! Then Shameus gets down on his knees and cuddles Hornswoggle said "that's right, little fella, I'll be your new dad! I won't get fired for singing the national anthem in french like yer other daddy did, fella! I love ya!" and they do an IRISH JIG with some kids from the crowd!
Booker T commentary - "MAAAAAAAAAAN, what a DOG that Shameus is, MAAAAAAAAN I can't BELIEVE them tactics, those tactics of that Shameus, they were something else, dawg, but I CAN believe that Shameus would USE those tactics, them tactics, to WIN, because WINNING is what it's all ABOUT and now SHAEMUS gets TEN TIMES the money he would have GOT for dat match and he can buy a LOT of lucky charms with that, and you can't BLAME Mark Henry for losing but you CAN blame Mark Henry for NOT WINNIN' and not bringin' out HIS OWN BLACK MIDGET from THE HOOD to counter that Harmswagle, MAAAAAAAAN!"
Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix - Beth goes for the Glam Slam right away but Kelly reverses to the LABELL LOCK(!) and gets the submission! Then DANIEL BRYAN comes out with his Money In The Bank Briefcase but now it's all PIMPED UP with DIAMONDS! Then Bryan says "that's right, I taught Kelly my finisher? Why? Because she's my MAIN SQUEEZE. You see I took The Bella Twins's virginity. I pleasured Gail Kim so much that she couldn't take it anymore and had to quit the company! For a longtime I've been submitting bros. Now? I'm PIMPING HOS!" Then he pulls a ghetto blaster out of his tights and it plays the Godfather's music and he does a sexy dance!
Michael Cole - "OH NO, OH GOD NO, A DIVAS MATCH? If you're taking a bathroom break now, YOU'RE A LOSER. If you paid to watch this show, YOU SHOULD ASK FOR A REFUND. Anyone enjoying this match is LITERALLY RETARDED! OH SHIT, DANIEL BRYAN!? HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a Daniel Bryan match is SCUM and should NEVER watch our product again! IMAGINE HOW LOW THE WRESTLEMANIA BUYRATES ARE GOING TO BE WITH THIS NERD IN THE MAIN EVENT! Anyone who orders that show is GAY LIKE JOSH MATTHEWS!"
Christian versus Randy Orton - Edge comes out and SPEARS Orton to big boos but then spins round and SPEARS Christian to big cheers and Orton lands on top somehow and gets the pin!
Booker T commentary - "Man I understand COMPLETELY what just happened. I don't understand WHY because I'M BOOKER T, but I do understand WHAT and the MOTIVES and the OPPORTUNITY. Man if I was Edge I woudln't have done THE EXACT SAME THING because I'm not Edge, but if I WAS Edge I'd understand that he wants to PROVE he's still a MAN by spearing both guys, and I can understand WHY MYSELF now that I think about it and I would do THE SAME THING, Cole!! I wouldn't do that PERSONALLY but I can see myself doing that PROFESSIONALLY if I was in Edge's SHOES right now! But his shoes wuoldn't fit becasue I gots me some BIGASS FEET! Maaaaaaaaan!"
John Cena versus CP Punk title unification match - Right away Cena says "I respect you, Punkerman" and lies down flat on his back! But when Punk tries to go for the pin, Cena ROLS HIM UP with a small package and Triple H does a FAST COUNT! Punk kicks out anyway and says "oh this is the wya it's going to be!" and kicks Triple H in the thigh and HHH says "oww, my quad!" and hobbles backstage! Then Colt Cabana jumps the barricade and lays out Cena with his finisher, the comedy boston crab! BUT THEN Mick Foley comes waddling out in a referees shirt and lays out Punk with a punch wearing Mister Sock over his fist (that makes it hurt more!) and Cena gets the pin! Then at the next ppv Foley will job to Punk so he can go on and on for years about how he "made" Punk by "putting him over" and can write a fifth book putting himself over for how great he was for putting Punk over! Then Cena turns round right into a big boot by MASON RYAN, his next feud!
Booker T commentary - "Dayum! That match was like a CHICKEN DINNER. No, wait, I lost my train of thought. That match was like SPAGHETTI AND BOOKER BALLS! That's what I cook all up in MY HOUSE, you feel me dawgs? Punk just proved that he is EVERYTHING HE SAID HE IS but then Cena went and DISPROVED dat by proving that Punk is EVERYTHING CENA SAYS HE ISN'T! And that big Scotsman Ryan Shamrock, he just kicked Cena's head to the moon, suckas!"
Well that's it for Hot Newz forever really this is it I'm never writing another Hot Newz again since they're always terrible and I barely watch wrestling and I want to thank ZRC for giving me a shot and paying me so much money for every article I wrote, back soon with more Hot Newz!
La Parka Los Fabulosos (Silver King and El Dandy, right?) Blitzkrieg Psychosis Juvy the list goes on... if TNA got all of them, I would likely start actually buying it. I miss WCW-style lucha action...