OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Chyna, who at one time was not only the most famous woman in wrestling but the most famous woman in THE WORLD, has finally returned to sports entertainment! It might be hard to believe now that she's an aged mess who can barely move but at one time Chyna was the greatest female worker on Earth! She had the size of Awesome Kong, the technical abilities of Layla and the looks of Beth Phoenix The Glamazon all rolled into one! She was the FIRST woman to ever get physical with the men by giving them forearms behind the ref's back and lowblows during Triple H's boring 1997 matches! Miss Elizabeth and Alundra Blaze never did that! Even Sunny, who had HUGE TITS, wasn't as influential as Chyna! Here is a quick look at the history of Chyna's career!
1996 - Triple H sees Chyna in a bar and thinks she's a man at first but then realises she's a woman. He says "you look exactly like a man but you're actually a woman? YOU'RE MY DREAM GIRL, HAVE SEX WITH ME!" and Chyna says "okay!"
1997 - Chyna makes her WWF (as it was known back then, a little known fact for you!) debut at WrestleMania 13 by SQUASHING Marlena "Terri" Reynolds with a bearhug, breaking six of Marlena's ribs, puncturing a lung and givng her a concussion! Someone then realizes it would be a good idea to teach Chyna how to work before letting her hit anyone else so she is sent to Triple H's uncle Killer Koala (who also trained such stars as Perry Sattellite and Sim Snuka!) who teaches her how to throw a forearm behind the referee's back and hit lowblows! These moves make Chyna the most popular woman in THE WORLD beating even Madonna and Princess Diana (before AND AFTER her death!) DX is formed so that Shawn Michaels and HHH can leech off of Chyna's heat!
1998 - The tv series Xena: Warrior Princess is created, based on Chyna's life story. Chyna beats Mark Henry at In Your House: Rock Bottom in a jumbo-sized vibrator on a pole match (oh Russo!) then sticks the vibrator where the sun don't shine (in his mouth)! Then sticks the pole up his ass!
1999 - Chyna carries Chris Jericho to the best matches of his career at Survivor Series and In Your House: VaChyna Envy. WCW sign a muscular woman and call her "Pacific Rim" to rival Chyna, but viewers notice how lame she is in comparison and WCW's ratings fall dramatically. Triple H notices that Stephanie McMahon's name has the sound "man" in it but she looks like a hot woman and also is filthy rich and the boss's daughter and gets her drunk in Las Vegas and marries her! Stephanie falls in love with him because none of her previous wrestling loves (we all know who I mean!) ever did that second part for her!
2000 - Chyna is depsuhed and jobs to Crash Holly in the shower (24/7 hardcore rules, baby!) To get back at Hunter, Chyna starts a real life affair with Eddie Guerrero (an upset Vickie Guerrero starts a real life affair with Rey Mysterio who fathers Dominic with her!) Eddie cheats on her with Victoria (back when she was still hot!) in a shower. Chyna gets her own back by appeaing in PlayBoy and looking sexier than ten Sable and eight Torrie Wilsons!
2001 - Chyna breaks her neck FOR REAL in a match with Ivory and is forced to retire from wrestling forever. Chyna sleeps with X-Pac to "get back at the world."
2002 onwards - Chyna becomes the world's biggest (I mean in terms of size, not success!) porn star in a series of movies titled: One Night In Chyna, Two Nights In Chyna, One Sack In X-Pac (guest starring Justin Credible's ballsack!), Chyna-ese DemocSEXY, Screama: Warrior Incest and The Complete And Utter Degradation Of Chyna As A Woman And A Human Being! Fortunately now that Chyna's a wrestler again she'll never have to do one of these movies again and her life be perfect forever!
In tragic newz, Layla's career may be over! Layla was the hardest (and hottest!) working woman in wrestling, competing over 300 times a year for the last six months! Doctors told her to slow down but Layla said "NO, DAMN IT, I HAVE TO GIVE THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT!" and refushed to lower her workrate. Sadly her (hot) body couldn't handle it anymore and she tore both her legs in two during her match with Michelle McCool but STILL finished the match and ended McCool's career becasue she cares about the fans THAT MUCH! Layla will undergo PIONEERING surgery that will let her walk and compete again, though I'm fearful that her doctor will be some kind of SEX PERVERT who just wants a chance to touch her legs while she's under during surgery! Layla being gone means there's a slot (or should I say SLUT!?) open as Hot Newz's number one Diva/Knockout...and perhaps only the combined hotness of the Bella Twins can fill that positon! In fact, yes, they're much hotter than Layla ever was now (it's that little dance they do during their entrace!) and I don't even miss Layla at all now!
Randy Macho Man Savage has died! Savage is remember as being one of the greatest in-ring performers and biggest personalities in wresting history. And also for his eccentric behaviour backstage! Such as when he became paranoid that other wrestlers were looking at Elizabeth and forced her to wear a potota sack (later STOLEN by Marc Mero who made Sable do the same...but in Sable's case it was an improvment!) at all times! Even then Hogan still kept looking at her potato sack ass and saying "brother" suggestively, so Savage had Liz locked in a packing crate whenever she was backstage! If anyone went near the crate Savage would hit them in the back of the head with a brick and say "OOOOH YEAH, STAY AWAY FROM MY PLEASUREBOX, DIG IT!" He was a funny guy! Sadly Savage and Vince McMahon had a falling out and Macho Man never made an appearance for WWE again. This was because after WCW shut down Savage decided to become a movie star. He instantly won a part playing himslef in the first Spider-Man movie (the one where Kirsten Dunst was still hot) and the directors were so impressed by his performance that they got him TEN AUDITIONS for TEN MOVIES and predicted he would be the biggest wrestling movie star ever! Seething with jealousy because Savage was set to become bigger than The Rock (who had only done Mummy 2 at this time and he was played by CGI for the whole movie because he coudln't act yet!), Vince McMahon had his lawyer Jeremy McDiggit BAN Randy Savage from using the name "Macho Man" in any of his movies because the WWE owned the name! This meant Savage had to be known as Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man and whenever he went for an audition afterwards and said "OOOOH YEAH, I'M THE MACO MAN, DIG IT!" the audition person would say "then how come your name was Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man? You're not the real Macho Man! You're a FAKE! JUST LIKE WRESTLING IS FAKE! WE DON'T WANT FAKES IN HOLLYWOOD, GET OUT!" and have security thrown him out! And one day Savage went nuts and gave all the security guards flying elbow drops and was kicked out of Hollywood for life! But in the end he became a RAP STAR so it all worked out for the best (until he died suddenly!) He will be missed.
Karma is pregnant! There is a lot of speculation as to who the father of the baby is. Some believe it is JIM ROSS! Even though JR said Karma is a fat tub of goo who will never make it as a Diva unlike such talented beauties as Tamina, that doesn't mean that he and Karma didn't have chemistry together and that they didn't have hot naked HATE SEX recently! Others think the father could be Hornswoggle because that would be funny! Yet others think it's David Otunga who was upset about Jennifer Hudson losing weight and wanted to sleep with a larger woman again! The truth is, that father of the baby is IN FACT...Karma's real life husband who has no involvement with wrestling! How's that for a scizzoop!
Ric Flair is on the run from the cops! It happened when Flair was payed FORTY DOLLARS to sign autographs but instead went off to have sex with the first girl in line (she ran away when he went to the bathroom so he just ended up masturwanking!) But that's not the reason he's on the run! Flair was taken to COURT and the judge asked him to pay the forty dollars, so he reached for his wallet, but found an old blade in it and instinctively bladed and bled all over his lawyer (a sexy female lawyer, of course!) The judge warned Flair he would hold him in contempt for this so Flair begged off in the corner, but when the baliff went near him, Flair poked him in the eye and climbed up to the top of the witness box. But no one knew to press slam Flair off, so he got confused and Flair Flopped to the floor! Flair then dropped his pants and jumped up spinning his cock around shouting "WOOO, NATURE BOY, I INVENTED THE HELICOPTER DICK IN 1976, WOOOO, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, SHUT UP FAT BOY, WOOOOO, TORRIE WILSON, I HAD HER, WOOO, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE, WOOOO!!" then jumepd out of a window and ran off! The police have been told to watch out for low blows and to no sell chops when apprehending him.
And now some TNA SPOILERZ! Someone slipped a BROWN ENVELOPE with the words "TNA SPOILERS!" written on it under my door and I opened it to find TNA spoilers inside! I can only conclude that Terry Taylor did it to get revenge on Russo for getting him fired! And also becasue there were naked pictures of Winter in the envelope too.
Hulk Hogan comes to the ring and says "you know what, dudes, I'm sick of not wrestling. Everyone knows that WRESTLING MATTERS! So even though every single doctor in the world, even some German doctors, have said I can't physically ever wrestle again...I'm making my in ring comeback TONIGHT against that PUNK CM Styles! And AJ, you jabroni, you roody poo, you'll never see it coming tonight, BROTHER!" then rips his shirt off to a face pop! And underneath he's wearing ANOTHER SHIRT which has "I love my fans" written on it which gets a face pop! Then Jeff Jarrett comes out and says "hang on HUCKSTER you can't fight AJ tonight, I have the main event booked as a FIRE MATCH between myself and Kurt Angle where the ring is on FIRE, we can't have both matches!" and Hogan says "no, you're right, BROTHER, the fire match will take place on PPV DUDE, because it's too good for tv, NOW GET OUT OF MY RING, BROTHER!" and does a crotch chop to a face pop! Then Mick Foley comes out and says "and the network has made ME the guest referee and I promise on my honor and on my respect for my fans that I will call it right down the middle, bang bang!"
Beer Money versus Chris Harris and Matt Hardy - Just as the match is about to start, Matt Hardy hits Harris in the back of the head with his boot! Then he says "you know what, I'm sick of teaming up with you Chris Harris, you suck, you're even fatter that me, I can't believe this company rehired you, I hate you!" while Beer Money just shrug and drink beer and count money. Then Matt says "and now my new tag partner, JEFF..." but his mic cuts out! Then Matt looks ANGRY and runs backstage! Then Beer Money give Chris Harris a Doomsday Device just for a laugh or something.
Mickie James versus Winter with Angelina Love as guest referee - Winter explains that "I went to Mick Foley before this match and asked him to let Angelina be the guest referee. He said no at first, but then I said I'd hug him and say he's a good hugger if he let Angelina be the ref and he agreed! But guess what? HE'S NOT A GOOD HUGGER AT ALL, TEE HEE TEE HEE!" Anyway Angelina is of course being fed drugs in her food by Angelina to turn her into a lesbian or something so she's a biased referee in favour of Angelina until Mickie says "you know what, if you're a lesbian now, you should be with me instead of Winter, because she's weird looking and English, but I'm kind of hot and BISEXUAL, just ask Trish!!" and kisses Angelina! Then Angelina looks confused and opens her mouth speak (or give Mickie the tongue!?) but Winter quickly throws drugs into her open mouth! So Angelina is back under Winter's control until VELVET SKY runs out with GOOD DRUGS that she got from a PROPER DOCTOR (Stevie Richards!) and she DDTs Angelina onto the good drugs so that they end up right in her mouth! Then Velvet and Angelina give Winter a Doomsday Device (from the second rope) and Mickie gets da pin.
Scott Steiner comes out to the ring and says "YOU KNOW WHAT? Mexico America? I'M SICK OF YOUR ASSES! You claim to be Mexican Americans, but I'm a real America and YOU are just Mexico-ians! You ain't not no America or nuthin'! You can either love or leave America or stay here and be no good Meixcan punks who SHOULD leave before I Stienerlise your asses and faces! So why don't you bring your lazy, no good, donkey-riding, taco-eating, hat-humping Amexican asses out here so that I can kick your asses back across the border! But first I'll kick your teeth down your throats, so that your teeth are in your asses, so that when I kick your asses your teeth will fly back up into your mouths, but now they'll be covered in shit and you'll be tasting your own shit as you go flying across the border courtesy of my boot which has just booted your asses over the border, as expressed in my previous utterance!" Then ABYSS walks out and chokeslams Steiner and says "Santa Claus is coming to town!" What does this mean? We don't know yet! We'll think of something before Christmas!
Mexican America come out with a MEXICAN BAND playing MEXICAN INTRUMENTS and say "hahah, let's have a PARTAY, HOLMES, to celebrate America SUCKING, esse!" and start dancing! But then two of the Mexican band members throw off their sombreros to reveal INK INC and they hit all the members of Mexican America (yes, even the mildly hot girls) with LOADED TACOS. Then Ink Inc tattoo all the unconscious mexicans with tattoos of AMERICAN SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN to make them respect america!
Next up, there's lots of mud around the ring and Bully Ray comes out with some pigs! Bully says "I never mentioned it before but I grew up on a farm! And I've been friends with pigs ever since, because I respect them more than YOU STINKING FANS! And these are very special trained pigs! I trained them to EAT poeple! They'll eat the loser of a wrestling match! After the three count, there's no stopping them! So RVD, you STONED MONKEY, come out here now and fight me and lose and be eaten by my pigs! OINK OINK!" Then D-VON jumps out from under the mud and hits Ray with a collection box (insider reference to his reverand D-Von character and a hint that Batista is on his way to TNA...if we can sign him...which we almost certainly can't)! RVD comes out and just pins Bully right away and the pigs listen to the ref count three then start to EAT Bully Ray but RVD says "hey, stop there, piggies!" and the pigs stop. "Why have Bully Ray eaten by pigs now after a pig match on tv, when we can have him eaten by a whole load of anmals after a BARNYARD BRAWL LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW!" and points to himself and walks off! Then SoCal Val escorts the pigs backstage.
Mister Anderson comes out and says "you know, Sting is and OLD BASTARD who can hardly move and my match with him on pay per view will SUCK becasue he's so old and can't work and does too many Irish whips, and I have decided to show you stinking assholes a preview of how much that match will suck and how much money you'll be wasting on Sunday, by wrestling DANIELS here tonight! He's almost as old as Sting!" Then Daniels comes out but before the match begins Anderson says "hold on, you're an OLD FOSSIL Daniels, so that means you're eyesight is going, like all old people!" and sprays PEPPER SPRAY in Daniels' eyes, blinding him! Kennedy keeps pulling stupid faces as Daniels staggers around blind until STING comes out and says "Anderson, even if I was blind like Daniels is, I could still beat you!" and puts on a blindfold to prove it! But Anderson pushes Daniels at Sting and Stings thinks it's Anderson and gives him a scorpion death drop! Then Anderson says "GUESS WHAT STING, ON SUNDAY, DANIELS WILL BE THE GUEST REFEREE!" and Sting says "oh shit!"
Backstage Kurt Angle is sitting behind a desk for some reason when KAREN ANGEL barges in and says "hey Kurt, I STILL HATE YOU, what are you doing, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, you better not be with Chyna, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CARE AND WON'T LEAVE JEFF FOR YOU, I'm just wondering that's all, I'D NEVER TURN ON JEFF WITH A LOWBLOW TONIGHT IN YOUR FIRE MATCH, so what's up?" Kurt says "woooo, I'm just thinking about what to have for dinner, I'm thinking of EATING OUT tonight, maybe OUT EATING some CHINESE FOOD!" Then Karen SLAPS Kurt and says "YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ORALLY PLEASURING CHYNA, not that I care because we're not secretly back together!" And Kurt says "I'm not orally pleasuring Chyna!" and Karen says "GOOD I MEAN BAD" and storms out. Then CHYNA comes out from under the desk where she's been sucking off Kurt (of course, that's the only reason to ever have a desk in wrestling!) and says "hey, is she going to turn on Jeff tonight and get back with you?" and Angle says "yeah, it's pretty obvious!" and Chyna just shrugs and goes back under the desk.
Eric Young comes out to the ring dressed as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese (I'm sure all fans will get this reference!) and sadly says "the chickens are all dead", salutes, then walks backstage again right away. This is the beginning of an ongoing storyline which could somehow link in with the Abyss story somehow!
Now it's time for Hulk Hogan's match with AJ Styles with Mick Foley as guest referee! As soon as the bell rings, Mick punches AJ in the back of the head knocking him out (he was supposed to do a double arm DDT but he's too fat!) Then Hogan smiles and hugs Mick (how can he get his arms all the way round!?) and covers AJ with one foot (Hogan can't bend over!) and Foley counts the three (with his fingers, he can't bend over!) Then Hogan says "hahaha, BROTHERS!" then Mick says "you STINKING FANS you didn't buy my last book, I should read the Tori Amos chapter to you RIGHT NOW to teach you a lesson, but the Hulkster has promised to finance and publish my fifth book which will detail this very angle you're watching right now, bang bang!" Then Jeff Jarrett runs out with three guitars and say "Hulkster, you usually play air guitar...but tonight THE BAND are going to play REAL GUITARS!" and Hogan, Foley and Jarrett play guitars for ten minutes! Then Foley says "oh yeah, the network has said that you, Jeff Jarrett, will wrestle Kurt Angle in a no DQ match RIGHT NOW!" and Jarrett's jaw drops in shock!
Then Jarrett is waiting in the ring when a FIREMAN comes out and says "I'm here to set the ring on fire for the fire match!" and Jeff says "whoah there, slapnuts, this is a no dq match now!" and the fireman says "oh yeah? Then I guess this is NICE AND LEGAL!" and hits Jarrett with a fire extinguisher and it's Kurt Angle! Then Kurt just beats Jarrett in the head repeatedly with the fire extinguisher for five minutes until he's bleeding all over the place until finally Karen Angle runs out! Then Karen begs Kurt to stop and he does and Karen helps Jeff up (he's still alive, don't worry!)...and gives him a LOWBLOW! Then Kurt and Karen MAKE OUT with tongues and fondling! But then when Kurt turns his back, Karen gives HIM a lowblow! Then Jarrett pops up and wipes the blood away and says "ha, I was wearing a CUP, me and Karen set this up, she FAKED that orgasm you gave her last night!" But then KURT pops up too and reveals HE was wearing a cup and says "Haha, guess what, I KNEW, I fake MY orgasm too!" then CHYNA comes out from under the ring and gives Jeff a lowblow and Kurt rubs the cup in Karen's face! Then Kurt sprays the fire extinguisher in his mouth to celebrate and says "tastes like milk!"
Until next time, say your prayers, follow me on twitter and drink your milk!
Wow, pretty much a giant upsurge of apathy about the show here, eh? Not that that means anything ... (Vince, are you listening?) At this point, opening SD with extended talking segments is a very bad idea.