OMG I am back with more hot newz! And the big newz is that hte Royal Rumble is coming, the GREATEST ppv of the year (except last year when Cena won, and all those times Triple H won, and that time Benoit won which seemed cool at the time but is a bit disturbing to watch back now!) Everyone in the WOLRD has their favorite Royal Rumble moment! For some it's when Ric Flair lasted two hours to win the 1991 Rumble. For some it's when Vince McMahon ran down at the ring and tore both quads at the 2005 Rumble (and that was pretty funny!) For me it's when Drew Carey offered Kane money to not kill him and Kane just titled his head to the side because he does not understand the concept of monetary currency! THis was great acting from Kane (better than anything Drew Carey himself has ever done let's be honest!) and should have won him an Oscar or something! Maybe if he'd died like Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace!) he'd get a sympathy one! I guess being LIVING DEAD doesn't count! I also liked the one where Undertaker brutally smashed Maven's head through a popcorn machine, then ATE the popcorn, then stuffed popcorn into the big gaping hole he'd just made in Maven's skull, then SERVED the blood-stained popcorn to CHILDREN from Maven's head! In fact those might have been in the same Rumble! In which case things really WERE better in the old days and the best days of our lives are GONE and all we have to look forward to is DEATH which will come a lot sooner than any of us think! But anyway, Royal Rumble this month!
WWE has fired a whole bunch of people! Not only have they fried losers no one cares about like JOHNNY DEVELOPMENTAL (who was in developmental!) they've also fired actual genuine cool people like D'Lo Brown and Val Venis! THis is just lazy and a huge mistake since TNA will steal up D'Lo and Val and put them under masks and turn them into a tag team named "They're Not Even On Our Roster!" who will beat Samoa Joe in a handicap match in their debut, lose to Jeff Jarrett the next week when Kip James turns face to help Jeff, turn on each other, have a blindfold match on ppv which Val wins after cheating by removing his blindfold, both disappear for three weeks then return as a tag team with no mention of the fact that they were just feuding! And no one wants that to happen! So I think WWE should hire back D'Lo and Val and here is my brilliant booking idea for how they should use them!
D'Lo comes out on RAW and says "I need to get my ass some god-ass respect around this ass if you recognise what I'm saying! Show me some respect or I'll give you a sudden impact, Stephanie!" (The sudden impact is that seated clothesline he did to Santino on his RAW debut and JR said "BAH GAWD THE SUDDEN IMPACT, HE'S BEATEN MANY A JAP IN JAPAN WITH THAT, LET ME TELL YA!" But then he never did it again and JR was moved to Smackdown as punishment for saying the word "jap".) Then instead of Stephanie out comes VAL VENIS in his old towel and everything and says "HELLO D'Lo! You know something, the Big Valbowski was going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as his old gimmick, but instead of doing that how about I actually WRESTLE ON TV for the first time in three years, HEH HEH HEH!" So they just start wrestling and Val hits his mooves (remember his moves!) and goes up top for the money shot and hits it but when he does he holds his ribs in pain and D'Lo pulls down his tights to reveal a CHEST PROTECTOR underneath! ANd D'Lo gets the pin with the Sudden Impact (what else!) and says "I wasn't the only one invited to that fancy dress party!" and starts to walk away but Val charges at him for REVENGE and their heads CLASH and both men are carried backstage on stretchers and Cole says "Did you hear that, King, that was a VINTAGE noggin knocker, both SKULLS colliding there, I think they're probably dead but find out after the break!"
Then after the break D'Lo and Val are lying backstage out of it and GOLDUST gives them mouth to mouth to revive them (and touches both their dicks to stay in character as he does!) And they both wake up with AMNESIA and they look at each other in their old gimmicks and they look at Goldust in his old gimmick and think it's still 1998! Then all three (Goldust plays along becase he knows he'll get fired as soon as he isn't in a storyline!) go to Smackdown and aboslutely murder Kung Fu Naki with chairshots and set him on fire as revenge for him choppy-choppying Val's pee-pee! Then they form a comedy mid card tag team and lose every week but say funny 1998 things like "suck it!" and "Nitro sucks!" which makes the team worthwhile!
Bob Holly was also released but he can't be including in this angle because he sucked just as bad in 1998 as he does now.
I THINK YOU'LL AGREE that would be a great angle!
Cena's moves have all had their names brutally taken away! This is because little kids were asking their parents what "FU" stood for and all the parents replied "err, the Throw...Up. Because he throws the bad guys UP into the air!" But then the kids would say that "throw" doesn't start with a "f" and the parents would have NO CHOICE but to say "FUCK" in front of their kids! And obviously this situation couldn't continue to be allowed to continue so now his finisher is called the THROWBACK because he THROWS the bad guys onto their BACK! And the STFU is now called the STF which is stupid because there's still a F there and all kids will think that F stands for "FUCK" so I think the WWE should just get the F out!
Victoria has retired! Victoria first got involved in wrestling when the WWF (AS IT WAS THEN KNOWN) put out an ad for "ho's" to appear on Raw and "service" the wrestlers "if you know what we mean." Victoria didn't know what they meant and showed up anyway and was horrified when The Godfather tried to grab her boobies. She slapped him hard and Vince was watching and said "DAMN, THAT GIRL CAN SLAP!" and hired her on the spot. Victoria soon started a real life affair with the late, great Eddie Guuerrero (Vicki was still hot when he first married her and he even banged Chyna during the brief period when she was considered hot. Add Victoria and Lita (everyone had Lita!) to that and he's a banging legend, esse!) Victoria left the company in disgust after real life footage of her and Eddie having sex in a shower with Stacey "The Kat" Karter was shown on RAW (this was also when Jerry Lawler left in disgust!) She returned two years later and started a feud with her real life school friend Trish Stratus which was most notable for Victoria having the COOLEST ENTRANCE MUISC EVER in the form of "All The Things She Said" by The Underage Russia Lesbians (TURL!) Victoria also started doing the "jigglesault" at some point which is when she starts shaking like D-Von dudley only it's sexy because she's got tits (well, so does D-Von, but hers are nicer) then does a moonsault which never actually hits. Victoria turned face because people kept cheering the jigglesault and tag teamed with the UNDERRATED NIdia a few times where they once did a sexy dance at the top of the ramp which led to one of my top three wrestling related masturwanks of all time (true story.) When Nidia was released Victoria turned heel and went to Smackdown and started dressing as a banana and stuff. I don't know why. She will be missed!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO: Rob Van Dam (35), Paul Heyman (45), Shark Boy (????) and Ric Flair (73)!
And now for my EXCLUSIVE Royal Rumble report! Instead of telling you the boring mess that WILL happen, I'm instead going to tell you what SHOULD happen if the Royal Rumble was booked by me: Hot Newz!
Matt Hardy versus Jack Swagger - I don't watch ECW (I have a hot girlfriend I talk to on Facebook while it's on) so I don't know who Swagger is or anything. So I think Finlay should run in and say "Swagger, you noodlebrain, you ain't not good enough to be champion, let me wrestle Matt Hardy and if I win, I get the belt!" and Swagger is confused by the double negative and just kind of nods dumbly then Finlay hits Hardy with the irish stick right away but it's made out of STEEL instead of wood and he gets the pin and says "hahaha, the irish win again just like in World War 2, get him son!" and Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring dressed in red and and keeps biting Swagger until Swagger passes out from BITE PAIN. Anyway, you might think this sucks but the END RESULT is a heel Finaly as ECW champion feuding with face Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger in hospital with bite wounds, so who REALLY sucks here? Not me!
Beth Phoenix versus Melina - Santino grabs the mic and says "I'm sorry ladies, but the a-people would rather a-hear me talk than a-watch you wrestle!" in a funny SHOOT comment to start his face turn. "Here's a deal Melina, you latin temptress from Spain! If Beth Phoenix a-beats you, you must take part in a threesome with her and me, SANTINO MARELLA!" Then Beth looks shocked because she's not into threesomes and Melina rolls her up right away for the pin and the new champion! Then Melina says "that's right Santino, because I won now it's YOU who must have the threesome...WITH THEM!" and the Edgeheads Zach Hawkins and Kurt Ryder come out but they're both all oiled up and wearing ASSLESS chaps and pink ribbons and they start rubbing up Santino and stuff because they're a GAY TAG TEAM now and wrestling can never have enough gay tag teams!
Jeff Hardy versus Edge - They're having a good, ten minute match for ten minutes until a man in a TRENCHCOAT runs down with a tire iron and Jeff gives him a twist of fate then pulls the trenchcoat off to reveal it's CHRISTIAN and says "ah, so you were the one who attacked me in that hotel, ran me off the road and made my pyro explode somehow!" Then Christian says "no, you fool, I'm here to warn you! My evil brother Edge has a new ally, it's..." Then the lights go out and when they came back on there's a HIGHWIRE above the ring like in a CIRCUS(!) and KIZARNY(!!!) is walking on it and he gives a shooting star press to both Jeff and Christian taking them out then gives Jeff has crappy looking jumping double underhook DDT but onto a CHAIR so it looks deadly and Edge wins the title on a screw-job for like the tenth time making him look even weaker than before if that's possible! then Kizarny says "YESSSS that's right you never suspected me but this is how we ROLL in the circus, haha, you think I slept with bearded women to get to the top of the circus world, no, I got to the top by cheating and screwing over everyone, even the clowns, and I'm going to get to the top of the wrestling world in the same way!" THis sets up Edge and Kizarny versus Jeff and Christian at WrestleMania in a TLC match (Matt will be in the hardcore battle royal.)
John Cena versus JBL - Shawn Michaels comes down with NEW TIGHTS with dollar signs all over them and says "that's right, JACK, I have accepted my destiny and now I love my new boss and will do ANYTHING for him, JACK! Cena and JBL have a crappy match (it's Cena and JBL, what do you expect?) until Cena's about to win with the Throwback after THROWING JBL right onto his BACK (see it does work!) but then Shawn pulls the ref out and SUPERKICK Cena right in the mush (mouth!) Then JBL says "haha, well done, son, you done kicked his mouth but good!" and Shawn smiles then kicks JBL in HIS mush (mouth) and says "you pair of fools, I said I follow my new boss, but JBL isn't my new boss anymore, I've got a NEWER boss! And that boss is..." and HULK HOGAN'S music plays to start a new hot angle where Shawn is now working fo the Hulkster (who recently sold Pastamania for billions!) but if Hogan refuses to do the angle then Shawn says "actually I robbed a bank!" and superkicks Michael Cole and the whole thing is forggoten! Cena wins.
Royal Rumble match - This is what you've ALL been waiting for! This makes the previous four matches look like pointless wastes of time! Triple H is number 1 because he called Vickie fat and number two is Valdimir Koslov and Triple H just throws him over the top rope right away and the fans GROAN knowing that HHH is just going to dominate the whole Rumble! But then number 3 comes out and it's a big man in a mask and JR says "WHO IS THAT, KING, WHO IS THAT BIG MASKED BASTARD?" even though he's commentating with Tazz and not the King! Then the masked man gives Triple H a BICYCLE KICK taking his head off (not literally) and trhwos him right over the top! Then mystery masked man takes his mask off and it's FESTUS! Number 4 is JESSIE and he runs out with a bell to calm Festus down but Festus IGNORE IT and grins EVILY and kills Jessie too (not literally!) And JR says "BAH GAWD KING, WHAT FORCE, WHAT UN-EARTHLY FORCE OF EVIL IS CONTROLLING FESTUS, IF NOT THE BELL?" and PAUL BEARER(!) appears at the top of the ramp with the urn and says "this is just the beginning, OH YESSS!" Koslov is number 5 and Festus destroys HIM too and eliminates him to show he is the most dominant big man! Then Festus steps over the top rope and eliminates himself because he's still dumb and he wants THE URN and he cradles it to his crotch and walks away!
Number 6 is Goldust so he just stands around rubbing himself (the sick freak!) until number 7 is Cody Rhodes and they have a brother/brother face off until Cody kicks him in the gut and his foot gets stuck there since Goldust is the blob! Then Goldust starts stroking the helpless Cody (incest homo!) but Cody gives him an enziguri with his foot stuck in the gut, a gutziguri! Then a bunch of other people come in like Funaki and Golf Ziggler and KANE whose push his descreased so much that he doesn't eliminate ANYONE whereas 8 years ago he'd eliminate 15 people! Then also Mark Henry and Kofi Kingstone and some guy no one recognises who turns out to be DH Smith (he's back!) Then comes Miz, the Morrison (since tag partners often draw the number next to each other in an amazing coincidence) and they eliminate DH Smith and he says "hmm, looks like I need some back-up...some ANVIL back-up!" to set up and him and Natayla feuding with Miz and Morrison over the tag titles in an inter-gender-bending war! Then MVP comes in and FINALLY the Underatker who eliminated Goldust, Cody, Henry, Kofi, DH, Ziggler, Miz and Kane within seconds making the last twenty minutes pointless! But MVP and Morrison hang on because they're getting BIG PUSHES in 2009 in the Hot Newz booked WWE (see my book, How I Would Book WWE In 2009 To Make It Better Than It Will Be which will be published in 2010!)
Then the Rumble goes on as Rumbles do with a bunch of OTHER GUYS coming in like Rey Mysterios (remember him?), Santino, Tazz as a SURPRISE ENTRY, Tommy Dreamer (eliminates Tazz to foreshadow his heel turn as only a heel would elminate the beloved Tazz!), Khali (a bunch of fat girls run into the ring to kiss him and he steps over the top rope to escape!) and of course Burchill. Then Jericho comes in and uses his SMARTS to eliminate all those guys except MVP who is too SPIRITED now (and except Undertaker too who is lying outside the ring holding his knee with no explanation) and then Orton comes in and says to Jericho "hey if we put our smarts together we can win this thing, haha!" and Jericho says "haha!" too. But then SHAWN MICHALES is number 28 and eliminates Jericho and Orton but then says "haha, JACK, I'm giving my title shot to the Hulkster, brothers, I love I money!" But then number 29 is CM PUNK who as you all know has a HIGH MORAL FIBRE running through his diet so he FLIES right at Michaels and they BOTH go over the top! Then JR says "MY GAWD, THE INTEGRITY OF PUNK IS SO GREAT THAT HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE, HIS ROYAL RUMBLE LIFE THAT IS, TO ELIMINATE HBK!"
This leaves MVP and Undertaker and MVP is going to hit Undertaker in his injured leg but he throws the chair away because he has INTEGRITY too and then number 30 is KENNEDY in a shock, trying to recreate when Cena was a shock entry the previous year except Kennedy sucks! And MVP just boots him out right away and says "that's for being an obnoxious over-bearing asshole and starring in a bad movie!" and the fans cheer and MVP is now a top main event face and Kennedy is a bottom rung heel where he belongs. Then Undertaker chokeslams MVP over the top to APPARENTLY win and musses up his hair to give him THE RUB~~!~! But then "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME" plays (it's Vickie's new music!" and Vickie comes out and says "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME! Because of Tazz taking up an extra place there will be a number 31 entry in this damn Rumble for the first time ever!" Then the BIG SHOW'S music wins and Taker goes into his MMA stance ready to fight but Show is actually under the ring and he cuts a hole in the canvas to SNEAK up on Undertaker, but Show is so FAT that he gets STUCK in the hole like Winnie the Pooh! And Taker just laughs and kicks him in face a bunch of times then gets him ont he ropes...and then VICKIE snakes up and pushes them both over! And Vickie says "Haha, I've won, haha!" BUT THEN "I'm All Grown Up, Now, And I've Listened And Read Lots Of Books With Lots Of Pages And Lots Of Words" which can only mean STEPHANIE MCMAHON is surprise entry number 32! And Stephanie SLAPS Vickie right over the top rope and says "you just got bitch-slapped by the biggest BITCH in bitchland!" to a huge pop. And then TEDDY LONG'S music plays and Teddy comes out, takes one look at Steph and says "ain't no way I'm gettin' in the ring with that crazy ho!" and just walks away! Stephanie uses her title shot to take the Diva's championship from Maryse at WrestleMania with a banzai drop!
I think you'll all agree that this would be a FUN Royal Rumble and isn't that what the Royal Rumble, more than any other event in human history, is all about? Fun? The Royal Funble? Yes!
As SOME OF YOU (the educated ones!) will know, lots of wrestling people were interviewed by the DRUG POLICE to see if there's any DRUGS being used in wrestling! These interviews were REALLY long so I've condensed and summarised some of them into little mini interviews (miniviews) for your enjoyment! ENJOY!
First up the investigators talked to Dixie Carter, the HOT owner of TNA!
Investigator: Hello, Dixie Carter.
Dixie: Hi, ya'll! How ya'll doin' today, ya'll?
Investigator: Umm, fine. So, drugs.
Dixie: Y'all offering me some drugs? That's bad! The bible says the body is a temple. I read the bible with Vince Russo when we're brainstorming for angles,ya'll! We're trying to come up with a Noah's Ark story where the Impact Zone is flooded and everyone but Shark Boy (he's a shark!) has to get in a boat made by Sting to escape! BUT CAN THEY TRUST STING!?
Dixie: They can, he's a good man!
Ivenstigator: I was just going to ask if any of your wrestlers are on drugs.
Dixie: Oh, they all were once, every last one of them. Every single wrestler to ever wrestle has been a drug addict. Even Sharko Boy. But I told 'em to clean up their act and made some vague threats about drug testing which we still haven't carried out!
Investigator: All your wrestlers do drugs?
Dixie: Not any more! Not since Midway made the excellent TNA Impact video game! They all play it backstage instead of playing with drugs. You should play it too, it's a great game, y'all!
Investigator: Riiiight. What I was asking, mainly, is if any of your wrestlers, say, take steroids to improve their look.
Dixie: Well, the fans do chant "STERIODS, STERIODS, YOU LOVE STERIODS" as Scott Steiner. So he probably does. So you should arrest him. But no one else does.
Ivenstigator: No one?
Dixie: Seriously, take a look at this pic of Samoe Joe.
Investigator: Eww! He's so fat!
Dixie: Exactly, y'all! He's a fat bastard and we STILL push him because he's good in the ring! That shows you don't need to take steriods to get ahead in TNA. You just have to suck up to the booker! Take a look at this pic of Mick Foley. THAT is a pic of someone who sucks up to the booker!
Investigator: Right, well, I guess that's all...
Dixie: Y'all should come down to the Impact Zone and watch a show! I shouldn't tell you this, but Joe's about to turn heel on AJ by kicking him in the nuts three times then pushing his grandma off her rocking chair! It'll be a hoot!
Investigator: Seriously? Who is your show even marketed to? It doesn't sound suitable for children.
Dixie: Oh, it isn't. We're mainly marketed towards idiots! You know, fat forty year old men who still live in their parents' basement and blog about how much the new Star Trek movie is going to suck because the Bridge looks stupid. Those kind of freaks! Haha, I hold them in such contempt! And yet they keep making me richer!
Investigator: Thanks for your time!
(The Investigator checks out Dixie's ass as she leaves.)
Next up they spoke Vince McMahon HIMSELF along with his evil lawyer Jeremy McDiggit (his name is a rib on Randy Savage!)
Investigator: Hello Mister McMahon and thank you for joining us.
McMahon: Huh, the Rebuplicans are smiling even though Obama won, huh?
Investigator: Umm, yeah. Would you like to take a seat?
McDiggit: Don't answer that.
McDiggit: What are you trying to pull here?
McMahon: Yeah, what are you trying to pull here, pal?
McDiggit: Good faith! We came here in good faith!
Investigator: I...I...what? I only asked if...
McMahon: SHUT UP!
McDiggit: Just ask your first little question, you mortal.
Investigator: Well, umm, I was hoping to, uhh, get your thoughts on...steriods?
McMahon: My thoughts?
McDiggit: I can't believe this shit.
McMahon: Jeremy I don't understand what he means by thoughts.
McDiggit: My client has been having an existential crisis lately and doesn't know if his thoughts are his own. SO DON'T ASK FOR HIS THOUGHTS.
Investigator: Well what about your opinion then, on steriods?
McMahon: I have no opinions on steriods, pal.
McDiggit: Wipe the dried up semen out of your ears, he already answered your stinking question!
McMahon: No opinions! I'm not even sure what they are!
Investigator: But you have admitted to using steriods in the past!
McMahon: I can't remember.
McDiggit: HE CAN'T REMEMBER.
Investigator: What did you think the steriods were going to do when you took them?
McMahon: How the fuck should I fucking know, pal? I'm a layman. I used a lot of stuff in the eighties. Big giant blocky cell phones, for one. I don't know why I do half the things I do. I'm a layman.
McDiggit: A LAYMAN!
Investigator: But surely you must have some idea...
McMahon: No. No ideas. At all. None. Layman.
McDiggit: Tell them why they call you a layman, Vince.
McMahon: Because I'm a man and I get laid ALL the time!
McDiggit: All the time, baby!
(McMahon and McDiggit high five.)
Investigator: So about, umm, wrestlers. How do you decide who to make into a star.
McMahon: Well, first I check to see if they're sleeping with my daughter by watching her in bed through a secret peephole. If they are, and if they satisfy her, then I push them to the moon.
Investigator: And do their muscles play a part in their pushes?
McMahon: Listen, we push guys without muscles all the time. Like Tazz. He won a match once. And yeah, it happens that 99% of our top guys are big muscular freaks. So what? They just have the it factor. Like Triple H. As soon as I saw him banging my daughter I thought to myself "Vince, that guy's got the it factor and I'm feeling horny." That's what I thought.
McDiggit: Umm, the transcripts of these interviews will never be released, will they?
Investigator: Don't ask me, I'm just a layman!
(The investigator does a crotch chop and leaves.)
McMahon: I don't think Bob Backlund did steriods either. There's another one.
McDiggit: He's gone, sir.
McMahon: Damn it, I didn't even get to say "we put smiles on faces!"
McDiggit: I'll have him killed for you, sir.
McMahon: Thank you. That'll put a smile on my face.
Wow, that was some great reading! Speaking of GREAT READING I'll be back soon with more Hot Newz, doodz!!!!!!!!!!
I also liked the one where Undertaker brutally smashed Maven's head through a popcorn machine, then ATE the popcorn, then stuffed popcorn into the big gaping hole he'd just made in Maven's skull, then SERVED the blood-stained popcorn to CHILDREN from Maven's head!
...the COOLEST ENTRANCE MUISC EVER in the form of "All The Things She Said" by The Underage Russia Lesbians (TURL!)
Good God, you make me laugh. Thank you for your Herculean reporting efforts!
"As you may have read in Robert Parker's Wine Newsletter, 'Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan, after a hefty portion of asparagus.'" Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock
Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death!
I'm actually pretty happy about this as well. I mean Spanky's a guy i've been high on since before WWE signed him and they really had a great performer here on their hands. But they had to go and fuck it all up (hey, what else is new?).