OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Mick Foley is a whiney little crybaby who can't handle being shouted at by Vince over his headset! After Foley told a story about Tori Amos hugging him FOR NO REASON while he was commentating, Vince shouted "DAMN IT, TALK ABOUT THE MATCH, NOT SOME HIPPY BITCH WHO'S PROBABLY A DEMOCRAT ANYWAY, VOTE MCCAIN!" and Foley started crying live on air and JR had to wipe away his tears with his cowboy hat! After the show Foley meekly marched up to Vince and said "aww, shucks Vince, could you please not yell at me? I can handle a lot of things, I can handle being thrown fifteen feet off the top of hell in the cell and threw the GIMMICKED FAKE spanish announce table which broke my fall so that it didn't even hurt at all. I can handle going on endlessly about Melina for no apparent reason to the point where my wife thinks we're having an affair so I have to dedicate four chapters of the my third and worst autobiography to explaining that we're just friends! I can handle that awful match I had with Carlito at Taboo Tuesday! I can handle Ric Flair out-working me at Summerslam even though he's twenty years older than me and mad as a Sheik! But I can't handle being yelled at! So, please, could you stop it?" And Vince thought about it for a long moment then said "NO CHANCE IN HELL, PAL! YOU'RE FIRED!" and Foley started crying against but wiped away the tears with Socko and said "Oh yeah? Well, you can't fire me, even though you already did...I quit! And don't record me saying that and play it during a match with The Rock! Bang bang!" and stormed out! Then Vince said "WHAT A BIG BABY!" and MELINA(!) came out from under his desk and said "I'm glad I didn't sleep with him!" then went back under!
Anyway, as NONE of you are aware, RAW was taped YESTERDAY this week for emotional reasons and I was in attendence with my signs and my hot opinions so here are some spoilers!
The show started with Lillian singing some song about a "star strangled bruce banner" YAWN just get on with the wrestling!
First of all the ECW music played and I cheered because let's face it if you take off your rosey tinted Bret Hart shades of nostalgia you'll see that the new ECW is MUCH betterer than the old ECW with Shane Douglas ever was! Teddy Long came out to the ring and said "Let me holler at you, playas!" like he always says because he has no imagination then said "umm, to be honest with you, there are now ECW tapings tonight, they've been changed to being before Smackdown again! I know, I know, I can't keep track of it either! But how about a special bonus match between Evan Bourne and newcomer from the talent initiative, THE MASKED PHANTOM, how about that, playas?" and about seven people cheered.
Then the Masked Phantom came out to the ring and SHOVED Teddy Long on his ass and said "Listen up JABRONI, I ain't no jobber like them other jobbers, I'm the Masked Phantom, okay, ah, heck, I'm actually TEST, ANDREW MARTIN, I'M BACK, YEAH BABY!" and Even Borne rolled him up for the pin then ran away and the Masked Phantom just stood around in the ring looking bored for two minutes then left!
Now after this LONG wait it was FINALLY time for RAW to start! It started with Mike Adamle in the ring and he said "Tonight will see Chirs Jericho versus CM Punk in a cage match and guess what? A FREE AGENT will interfere and ruin that match! And also tonight Rey Mysterio versus Kane in a pinata on a pole match!" then just walked away again.
First match was D'Lo Brown and Candace Michelle versus Santino and Beth Phoenix the Glamazon! Before the match Santina took the Honk A Meter out of his trunks and said "Haha! I am now-a only 60 weeks away-a from passing the Honkey Tonky Man's record-a! And I would also a-like to note-a that the Honky Tonk Man enjoys the GAY SEX with GAY MEN whereas I have consentual heterosxual sex with the Glamazon! So who is the better man now-a? It's a-me!" and did a crotch chop! Anyway, the match was good because D'Lo is the GREATEST worker in the WWE at the moment due to the ten years he spent in Japan working for the Great Mutanta and TAKA Michinoku's grandad BARRY Michinoku, but on the other hand the match SUDKED because it only lasted ninety six seconds (obviously they don't want D'Lo showing up the main eventers, which he would!) Santino pinned D'Lo with a roll-up after Beth flipped her hair into his eyes.
D'Lo was walking backstage muttering "can't believe I lost to Santino, I beat Kobashi and Misawa in one night,mutter mutter" when he walked right into MARK HENRY! They looked each other up and down for a full five minutes (we were all on the edge of our seat in the arena wanting to know what would happen next!) before eventually they HUGGED! And D'Lo said "how you doing, big man! Remember that time you went on that date with Chyna and I drove the car?" and Mark Henry smiled and said "Shame what happened to her. Hey, remember when you accidently caused Terri Runnels to miscarry but it turned out that she was faking? Well guess what, I actually DID get her pregnant earlier that day, so it really WAS a shoot miscarry! You killed a baby, man!" Then D'Lo looked stunned but suddenly FAAROOQ (Ron Simmons) appeared from out of a locker or something and said "Nation of Is-DAMN!"
Next up, Ted Debiase, Cody Rhodes and Manu came to the ring and said "listen up Randy Orton you big sucker! We want your respect but if we can't have your respect we want your BLOOD so how about you take us on now, three on one, with one arm tied behind your back, you loser?" Then Orton came out and said "no" and walked away again!
Next up JBL came out for his SCHEDULED match with Charlie Haas with Batista at the guest referee for some reason but he took the mic and said "listen up, son, you better not come out here dressed as anyone funny or else I ain't wrestling and in fact I might murderlise you with my limo like I did John Cena!" Then JOHN CENA'S music played and all the little kids marked out even though it was obviously just going to be Charlie Haas dressed up, but he didn't come out then it went backstage and showed Charlie Haas lying in a pool of his own blood and Cole said "WHO CHOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO CHARLIE HAAS OF ALL PEOPLE!?" and Batiasta hit the Batista bomb and counted his own pinfall and Adamle came out and said "contraguatlions, Batista, you now get the title shot at No Mercy! Looks like Charlie Haas being brutalised has worked out well for you!" and Batista nodded supsicously and ran backstage!
Backstage some cops come up to Batista and say "we want to ask you some questions about the brutalisation of Charlie Haas!" but Batista gave them all spinebusters, threw DH Smith (who shows up for every RAW in the slim chance that he might actually be booked in a match" out of his car and drove away at top speed yelling "I AIN'T GOING BACK TO NO PRISON!" Then there was a loud CAR CRASH sound effect and a woman screamed "HE'S DEAD, THE ANIMALS DEAD, THE BREAKS WERE CUT AND NOW HE'S DEAD OR IN A COMA MAYBE!"
Michael Cole was shown crying real tears at the newz and said "I just can't believe it...not Charlie Haas!"
Next up Shawn Michaels came out to the ring! And he said "You know what? I've decided that the only way to beat Chris Jericho is to ABANDON my Christian beliefs and become a lowdown atheist!" and the fans booed, of course, since atheisism is BAD! "Hey, don't hate the player, Jack!" he continued. "After all, what kind of a God would allow Jericho to win the title anyway? And you know what else, you peons? As soon as I turned atheist I also immediately started cheating on my wife Nitro Girl Whypser...WITH HER!" and pointed to the stage and JILLIAN HALL(!) came out singing "losing my religion" by REM! Then her and Shawn made out for five minutes until MARTY JANNETTY(!!!) stumbled over the barricade and shouted "PLEASE SHAWN, CONVINCE THEM TO REHIRE ME!" and threw up all over Jillian's cleavage. This was not part of the show.
Next up was FINALLY time for the long awaited Pinata on a pole match between Rey and Kane! And Kane kicked Rey's buttass all over the ring until Rey made an unconvincing comeback by reversing a chokeslam into a headscissors somehow and then he hit a 619 and climbed up to smash the pinata but it just fell down unbroken and he gave the Pinata a 619 to bust it wide open! But then HORNSWOGGLE popped out and spat GREEN MIST in Rey's eyes and Kane hit a chokeslam and said "well done, my little Hell Spawn! That's right, Finlay! That woman you knocked up? I knocked her up FIRST! HAHAHAHA!" and Hornswoggle put on an EVIL leprachaun mask and started biting Rey's crotch!
Next up was Regal versus Jamie Noble AGAIN because we never get tired of it and Layla came out looking really confused and really EMOTING all her feelings by looking surprised everytime Jamie hit a move even though he's a professional wrestler and acting all SHOCKED when Regal thrust his crotch at her even though he's a pervy old brit! Regal won with a move then said "and now, Layla, since I just won a wrestling match, you have no choice but to service me in a sexual manner like the bloody tart you are!" and Layla nodded MEEKLY until KOFI KINGSTONE ran out and saved her by hitting Regal with a move then Layla said "of course! I didn't have to choose between Regal and Noble at all! I could have just went with someone hot who actually wins matches too!" and started making out with Kofi like a tart! Then Noble took out his phone and said "I hope Nidia hasn't changed her number!"
Next up was Cryme Tyme versus the internet's own Mizz and Morrison in another wacky crossover match! The finish came when Morrison messed up a moonsault and landed on his head and the referee said "FUCK, IT'S BROKEN, HIS NECK, FUCK!" and flashed ten X signs to the back and they carried him away on a stretcher after fifteen minutes of treatment in the ring and Miz was crying and Cole said "this isn't part of the show, folks." Boring angle!
FINALLY it was time for the main event of Chris Jericho defending against CM Punk in a soild steel cage! This was actually a GREAT five star ***** match with Punk hitting lots of INDY KICKS and BACKHANDS because punches are illegal in the indies until finally Jericho just couldn't take it and slumped over, so Punk went for the door...and a man in jeans with no shirt on SLAMMED the door into Punk's face! Except he didn't slam the door, he actually PUNCHED IT with a big left hand to send it into Punk! He then got in the ring (the match just ended because the referee was so surprised!) and took the mic and I finally realised who it was.
"That's right, I'm Bart Gunn!" he said. "I'm sure you all remember me as 'Lefty' Bart 'The Hammer' Gunn from when I won the Brawl For All! BUt instead of becoming the biggest star in the world like I should have been, I was held down! By Vince McMahon and his cowboy friend JR who was in love with Steve Williams, the man I KILLLED to win the Brawl For All! So I was went into exisle and had to wrestle in Japana where I honed my skills against such greats as The Great Mutant and D'Lo Brown for the last ten years! But now I'm back...as the hottest free agent in wrestling!" Then MIKE ADAMLE entered the cage to big boos and said "thats' right! I was in on it all along! Right from the time I called Jeff Hardy 'Jeff Harvey' at the Royal Rumble! It was all building to this moment! It was ME who fixed the draft so that JR would go to Smackdown! It was ME who dropped the set on Vince McMahon, crushing his legs and his spirit! It was ME who ordered Bart Gunn to brutalise Charlie Haas of all people! It was ME who framed Batista for the assualt and cut the breaks on his stolen care which I knew he'd steal somehow in order to get him out of the picture! Because Bart Gunn is the left hand of justice and together we will dominate like nobody else!" Then Bart Gunn SPAT on Jericho and Punk!
Best. Angle. Ever.
Well it was a great RAW I attended and YOU can watch on tv tomorrow if you want, probalby no point now that I've spoiled it though! But now for some NEWZ!
BREAKING NEWZ: The Masked Phantom has been released. I wish him well in his feature en-beavers!
Scotty Gold Man's new gimmick will be that he paints himself gold before every match. But he'll still never actually win. Never.
Well, that was some good newz. Now for some FANTAZY BOOKING~!~! As you ALL KNOW lots of BIG WWE stars like Mick Foley and Nunzio have been released and RUMOR HAS IT that they are all going to TNA for a big-ass invastion angle! Well since TNA will ruin it by letting Russo book I decided to book the whole thing MYSELF first and do it BETTER so here is how I, Hot Newz, the sexiest man alive, would book the TNA invasion by released WWE guys angle!
On the first Impact after whichever pay per view it is tonight, MICK FOLEY comes out to the ring! And Don West says "wow, there's a surprise, a guy we teased was coming to TNA on our website has come to TNA. What a shocker, Mike!" all sarcastic and stuff!. Then Foley takes the mic and says "And now I will introduce FOUR MEN who have been released from the WWE but under my guidement will take over TNA!" and West says "WOW, FOUR MEN, THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, MIKE, THEY AREN'T EVEN ON OUR ROSTER!" and clutches his chest!
Foley continues: "First, Dancing Steven Richards!" and Stevie Richards comes out dancing to a big pop.
Next he says "And now, Dancing Big Daddy MABLE!" and Big Daddy V comes out except he's in his old Mable outfit and he's dancing to a big pop!
"And now, MONEY BAGS Shannon Moore!" And Shannon Moore comes out throwing DOLLAR BILLS to the crowd!
Then they all stand in the ring(~!) and Foley says "well that about racks it up...wait a minute, I'm losing my mind! My God, I almost forgot the fourth released man! Ric Flair, get on out here!" And West falls off his chiar. But no one comes out and Tenay manages to say "to the back!" so it goes to the back and you see RIC FLAIR lying face down in a pool of BLOOD with a broken black baseball bat next to him and Tenay says "who has done this to Ric Flair, WHO!" and that's it for one week!
Then next week's show opens with VINCE RUSSO reading a prepared statement. "Hello, I am Vince Russo, the booker man of TNA. I am the man who writes this great show ever week! I have been asked to read a statement saying that TNA does NOT approve of the assualt on Ric Flair and we do NOT know who did it...but you know what? In typical Vince Russo tradition, I'm breaking with tradition!" Then he RIPS his script up and says "I know the identitiy of the person who did it! I have their identity HERE in a brown envelope and I'm going to reveal the NAME of their identity right now! That identity of their identity is..." And he opens the brown envelope "Vince Russo? But that's me! It wasn't me!" Then COP OFFICERS storm the room and say "you're coming with us!" and handcuff Russo and BEAT HIS RIBS until he spits up blood and they drag him away! Then one of the cops looks into the camera and winks and it's NUNZIO!
Later on the show they have a poll to decide the SEXIESTEST knockout and of course it's SHELLEY MARTINEZ with 99% of the vote and she comes out to the ring and stands about in her underwear as the fans go crazy until CHERRY(~!) comes out! And Cherry says "listen up, you might be sexier than me and I might be turning to lesbianism as I speak just looking at you, but can you ROLLERSKATE?" and before Salinas can answer GAIL KIM comes out and says "Hey, guess what, I was released from TNA and was going to go back to the WWE but I came back here instead so that means my loyalties...are to SHELLY!" and she attacks Cherry! But then Angelina Sky, Velvet Love and Taylor Wilde come out and Taylor said "that's right! I looked in a mirror and realised I'm blond and a beautiful person, so I joined the beautiful people!" Then Gail, Sexy Shelly the hottest woman alive and Cherry (meh) decide to put their differences aside and team up to face the Beautiful People in a six knockout UNDERWEAR match in which all TWELVE boobies pop out!
Later on the show after the Dudleyz have beaten some jobbers like Curryman and Sharkman they grab the mic and say "we love TNA and HATE interlopers!" to turn face but then when they turn around RORY AND ROBBIE the HIGHLANDERS from OBAN SCOTLAND are in the ring and they hit the Dudleyz with GLASS STEEL CHAIRS! Then Rory (the brains of the outfit) says "that's right you pukes! We have come to change the face of tag team wrestling, just like we did up north! And we don't mean in the WWE by that, we mean up in the north of Scotland! We beat all the wrestlers, all the sheep, we even beat the Loch Ness Monster and made him pay US tree fiddy Euros or whatever money they use in Scotland! And by the way, in the WWE they made us wear tights under our kilts, but here in TNA we're ALL NATURAL!" and they pull their kilts up and STICK THEIR CROTCHES right in Bubba and D'Von's faces as Don West says "IT'S A TEA-BAGGING, MIKE, A FORCED TEA-BAGGING!" and we quickly go to commercial!
Also at some point in time DOMINO comes out and says "Heyyy! I'm like the Fonz!" and the fans cheer then he says "I don't want your STINKING cheers!" to they boo. Then he says "by the way, you remember me tag partner Deuce? MORE LIKE DOUCHE!" And the fans don't know how to react and just shrug.
Finally this INSANE INVASION comes to a head when Ric Flair is found knocked out AGAIN and Mick Foley says "I'm going to get to the bottom of this, like when I was a detective and found out that RIKISHI ran over Austin and he did it for the Rock even though actually he did it for Triple H for some reason! Just like that! I have investigated and found a BROKEN BASEBALL BAT at the scene of the crime! That means the man who attacked Ric Flair's ass is STING!" Then Sting protests his innocence but Stevie Richards gives him a Stevie Kick and he falls off the rafters (he was on the rafters) and through TEN tables! But then Mick bends down and insepcts the broken baseball bat and says "hmm, wait a minute! This is actually...a guitar spray painted black?! But that means..." and then he checks on Flair but finds it's actually a WIG and pulls it off and it's JEFF JARRETT lying in the pool of blood, not Flair! And Foley says "Huh? Jeff Jarrett knocked himself out? That don't make no sense..." and then suddenly SAMOA JOE runs up and gives Foley an OLAY KICK (he's still bending over if you remember) knocking ALL his remaining teeth out! THen Jarrett gets up and RIPS OFF his face (it was a fake face!) and it's really KEVIN NASH underneath! And he says "our plan worked!" and Joe says "GRRR!" And this sets up the first ever THREE HOUR iron man match between Foley and Joe at a special pay per view where it's the only match on the show and it'll get the biggest buy rate EVER!
Well I think you can all agree that if TNA did all of that then the ratings would turn around!
Well this is the LIZZAST Hot Newz ever sicne it gets less thread views than the results of some obscure indy fed here on the W and no replies and no one ever emails or anything so what's the point not that I'm blaming you just saying the world is a differnet place from when hot newz started and does anyone actually read wrestling newz sites anymore I know I don't and no one's reading this bit anyway so I can say what I want, SUCK IT UNCLE ERIC goodbye forever and keep on ROCKING!!!
OMG teh real Stevie Richards! What did you think about my idea of you Stevie Kikcing Sting off the rafters? Or are you too scared to go up their becasue your scared of heights as you never managed to crash through the GLASS CEILING lol.
I gotta question Kane's strategy, or at least his long term goals, as I think going ahead and letting Cena actually murder Jack Swagger by crushing his head between the steps like he was seconds away from doing would have been a huge step towards making C...