OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that failed wrestler and even faileder footballer Brock "Well, here comes the pain!" Lesnar is now the UFC heavyweight fighting mixed martial arts ultimate champion of the world! This is a huge achievement bigger than sex but I find UFC more boring than boring sex so I didn't watch it! However I have got my friend BLINKY BEN who watched the show in a bar when drunk to review the show and here it is, his review!
"Thanks Hot Newz! It was the best UFC fight I've ever seen and I've seen however many there were on that night! Lesnar punched the other guy a lot and the referee said "RING THE BELL!" like Survivor Series and they rung the bell! Sable then got into the ring but you could tell Lesnar was thinking that now that he's the best fighter in the world he can get some YOUNGER pussy. I don't blame him for thinking that lol she's old."
Thanks for the review and I agree about Sable! Who does she think she is, tricking Lesnar into a loving, commited marriage? Bitch!
Kurt Angle also emailed his thoughts on Lesnar's win to every wrestling journalist in the world and twenty weather women for some reason!
"WHOOO! Brock Lesnar! Congratulations...congratulations on NOT having to face me, Kurt Angle, and instead facing some guy OTHER than me because that was the only way you could possibly win! Whoo! Yeah! You know if I wasn't tied up in this STINKING ROTTEN ten year contract to TNA which they TRICKED me into signing by telling me they were a good company, when we all know that they suck, the losers, then I would challenge you to a match! But I guess we'll have to wait ten years by which time I'll STILL be in the same great shape or even better and probably TEN TIMES tougher too and I'll make you tap and take that belt! Yeah! I pick bar fights all the time to hone my fighting skills and always win! And Karen, if you're reading this which I know you are, you stalker, I just want to say that I had a threesome with Christy Hemme and SoCal Val last night because a threesome with two sexy red heads with hot asses is better than normal sex with you any day! Whooo!"
Well we all know that!
Ted Debiase Jr is to star in The Marine 2: Marine Harder! This came about because John Cena (star of the critically ashamed original Marine!) is too busy recovering from injuries which should take nine months to recover from in three months to star in a sequel! The change of the main character's appearance will be explained by a one minute cameo by Cena at the start of the movie where he'll say "I'm just going to the gas station to buy some gas then we can have sex" to his hot girlfriend and he goes into the gas station but then the gas stations EXPLODES (it's the Marine alright!) Then in the next scene the Marine's face is all bandaged up and the doctor (played by Hillbilly Jim for some reason) tells him "I'm sorry Marine you have been HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED and look ugly now!" and pulls the bandages off and it's Ted Debiase underneath! Then his hot girlfriend throws up in disgust and says "I can't marry you!" and throws his ring into the Mississippi River and the rest of the movie is just the Marine trying to pick up girls and getting into fights with drunk guys in bars (one played by Steve Blackman!) then at the end he's about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge when he sees a little girl drowning in the Mississippi River down below! So he dives down to save her and the little girl says "I love you!" but she's only eight and can't be his new wife so he kills himself anyway.
Should be a great movie!
Christian "Steel" Cage has signed with the WWE! He will return with the also resigned GANGREL and Kevin Thorn and Aerial (she's back!) as the Newer Brood!
Goldust was NOT signed to a new contract because his father Dusty has a powerful position in management, but because of his skill and lean figure...ah, screw it, of course it was becasuse of Dusty! Dusty will soon come out during his matches and say "Hey, you better cheer my boy!" and the fans will be confused because Cody is a heel so they'll assume Dusty has turned heel and throw trash at him (and if the trash is food he'll probably eat it!)
And now for my big article...a review of the RAW house should I attended yesterday! Ha, bet you thought it was a Survivor Series review but in tradtional Survivor Series tradtion I'm SCREWING tradition and you'll have to read this first to get to the SS review (you can't just scroll by!)
The show started with Jillian singing the national anthem but I said "I REFUSE TO SING ALONG IF OBAMA IS PRESIDENT" and Lillian said "He's only president elect!" and I said "OH, OKAY" and sang along. I was only joking anyway, I love Obama and his handsome features!
First match was Mikey Knox who came out to new lumberjack music versus D'Lo Brown (of all people!) D'Lo took the mic and said "what's up, yo! How come I don't get no damn respect? Is it because I don't shake my head the way I used to? Is that what you stinking people want to see, my shaking my head?" And all the fans just sat in silence because none of them watched in 1998 when D'Lo last shook his head anyway! And I shouted "NO, WE WANT TO SEE LOW DOWN GET BACK TOGETHER!" and D'Lo said "No way man, I'll NEVER do that!" and I said "I'M SORRY I'M DEAF, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SAYING YES OR NO" and he SHOOK HIS HEAD saying "no" then I said "Ha, tricked you!" Then Mike Knox but him in a bearhug and started BITING him until D'Lo tapped out so that's Knox's new finisher, the biting bearhug!
Next up William Regal came out and said "you miserable peasant commoner plebian simpleton villagers, I am your social better, God save the pope!" and did a courtsey and we all booed his arrogance. Then Santino came out and said "hey, don't you-a insult-a these-a fans! These fans-a the greatest-a fans in the a-world!" and high-fived some kids so he's a face now! Regal won in three minutes with his new finsher the EUROPEAN BODYSLAM (bodyslam) but Santino did some body-popping afterwards to get his heat back.
Next up was CM Punk and Kofi Kingston defending against Miz and Morrison! It as an utter disgrace that the real world champion CM Punk was wrestling so early on the show so I started booing to show my disapproval! Unfortunately Punk thought I was booing HIM and gave me the finger so I had to shout "WAIT, WAIT! I wasn't booing you, I loved Ring of Honor! Before Gabe was fired anyway!" Then Miz and Morrison did a LIVE dirt sheet and I had to pretend it was funny because I'm an internet guy but it was really just them making fart jokes for five minutes. Punk won with the Go To Sleep except his knee totally missed Miz's face and Miz sold it anyway so I think Miz and Punk might be in CAHOOTS so that's an angle to watch out for!
Next up CODY RHODES (yawn) came out and said "how come I can't not get no damn no respect not around here? BATISTA? I challenge you RIGHT NOW!" THen Batista came out to a big pop and a few wolf whistles and said "okay!" but Cody said "Umm, unfortunately my doctor hasnt cleared me to wrestle tonight so you have to wrestle MANU!!!" and Manu SNEAKED up behind Batista (very slowly, with his entrance music playing) and hit a samoan drop (he's samoan!) then put a nerve pinch on (he's samoan!) and Batista just lay on the canvas half asleep, barely selling (he's lazy!) until he hit the spinebuster and the Batista bomb for the win! Then he picked up Cody's doctor's note and read it and said "hey, wait a minute, this was written by DUSTY!" and Cody laughed and gave him the finger and skipped away.
Next up THE BIG BAD MACHINE Kane came out and took the mic and said "usually I'd talk about sending you to HELL to burn in HELL but I ain't not going to do that or nothing tonight because I don't believe in Hell anymore: I am an ATHEIST!!!!" And most of the fans booed becasue being an atheist is even worse than being a Satanist according to the pope but I cheered because I'm an atheist and I saw a girl cheer too so I made a note of it in order to later have hot Godless sex with her. Anyway despite having the power of faith in NOTHING Kane still lost to Rey in 6 minutes when Rey hit three 619s then just ran to the back then the lights went out and when they came on again Kane was covered in FAKE BLOOD...a Blood Bath from the Newer Brood! I can't wait for this angle to reach tv!
Next up was Beth Phoenix defending against THE RETURNING HOTTER Melina! I wasn't sure if Phoenix was a face now because Santino is but she looked at me and said "no, I'm still a heel" so I'd know to boo and lead the other fans in booing. Anyway we would have cheered Melina over her anyway since Melina is hotter anyway! Beth won with the Muscle Buster than I shouted "Samoa Joe has bigger boobs then you!" which isn't even true! I hope she doesn't get more implants as a result.
Next up was Orton versus JBL! JBL was pretending to be a face now and slapping hands and kissing babies (and girls!) on his way to the ring and he wrestled like a face until SHAWN MICHAELS came out and said "I believe you're genuinely a face now, JBL!" then JBL gave him the clothesline from hell and said "Ha! I fooled you!" and just walked away while Orton looked confused. good match.
MAIN EVENT TIME was John Cena (gay) defending against Chris Jericho (bi)! Because of his neck Cena could hardly do anything and only took eight big bumps instead of twelve so I booed like mad. Then Jericho went for the lionsault and his feet slid between the ropes and he landed on his ass outside the ring and I marked out because it's rare to see such a spectacular fuck-up on a house show but then when Cena leaned over him to check if he was okay Jericho gave him a low blow so it was a set up all along! I was impressed by this and turned round to tell the guy next to me, but when I turned back Cena had pinned Jericho with a tombstone (according to the girl sitting on the other side, and why would she lie!?) and Jericho was being helped to the back holding his ASS BONE. I guess the tombstone must do damage to the ass bone!
It was a great show and I only demanded a refund out of habit rather than any deep sense of disappointment like sometimes.
STOP PRESS: Gail Kim has gotten Lena Yaddle fired and signed with WWE! Yaddle has agreed not to file a racial discrimination lawsuit because she's too lazy! Vince gets away with it again!
And now for my LONG AWAITED (a few paragraphs) big review of Survivor Series which took place last Sunday live on paper view!
First match was Team Michaels versus Team JBL! A lot of people are saying that MVP is in the doghouse because he keeps losing and he was eliminated from this match by a Khali chop really quickly, however he DID pin JTG in like 48 seconds first. So, if MVP is in the doghouse then where is JTG, in the CATHOUSE or something? Anyway I can't remember the order of all the other eliminations and I've already deleted the download from my hard drive out of disgust for Cena winning (oops, spoiler!) but I think JBL was counted out when Michaels pretend to superkick him but just pinched his ass instead, confusing him, then old Captain Hightimes (as Mizorrison call him because he used to smoke pot and wear a navy captain's hat!) pinned the far more talented and younger Morrison with a superkick and him, Rey and Khali survived. GREAT MATCh other than all the eliminations being WRONG. ****
Next was the Divas match and if you think I just sat there with a stupid grin on my face masturwanking myself silly then you've confused me with Jerry Lawler (or the me of a year ago!) I LONG AGO (six months) decided that WWE Divas are NOT sexy and fools only think they're sexy because of marketing and peer pressure (TNA knockouts, on the other hand, are hucking fot!) The only Divas sexy enough to be Knockouts (The Bella Twins, of course, imagine them feuding with the Beautiful People!) weren't even in the match! Anyway, if you SERIOUSLY expect me to keep track of every elimination here then you're dumber than Festus before a bell! It came down to the Glamazon Beth Phoenix and Maryse The French Tickler and Phoenix won with a move! DUD
Next up was Undertaker versus Big Show in a casket match! Meltzer said this match sucked but I think he was just in a bad mood because Taker didn't do any MMA moves. Okay, so it DID take Undertaker like five minutes to set up legdropping Big Show through the table, however that was realistic because in real life it takes a long time to set up legdropping someone through a table (just try it!) and, if anything, Undertaker did it QUICKER than normal! Taker won when he irish whipped Big Show into a casket which was SUPERNATURALLY standing up vertical which was quit an innovative finish and gets the match an extra star! *
Next was team Batista versus team Orton! CM Punk showed his INDY SMARTS by pinning Regal really quickly with a Go To Sleep! Then Layla threw a shoe! Then R Truth was pinned by Shelton, Kofi pinned by Orton (after Matt "I hate gay marriage" Strike made some comment about Kofi and Mark Henry looking alike! Seriously, he says all these things and no one notices.), Punk was pinned by Cody (WTF!??!) and Matt Hardy was pinned by Mark Henry all within three minutes! So that left Batista FOUR ON ONE and could he use his "spear an opponent as they turn round" tatctic to get rid of Mark Henry right away then pin Shelton with a Batista bomb about 4 seconds later? Yep, he could! So it was two on one and Orton used his THIRD GENERATIONS SMARTS to pin Batista with a RKO and Cody looked at Orton with a mix of awe and repressed sexual tension (he is Goldust's brother, remember!) AWFUL MATCH.l ***1/2
Next was HHH versus Koslov! Due to the REAL LIFE injury of Jeff Hardy falling down some stairs (it wasn't drugs, just pot and alcohol!) this was just a gay singles match and unfortunately they didn't have enough time to make it good (it takes eight hours to right the script for a good match and they only had three thanks to clumsy Jeff!) so the match sucked! It sucked so bad that Koslov did a bearhug in a non-ironic way! Anyway, eventually backstage Vince decided to send Edge out (he was only there visiting friends!) to win the title and save the show and Jeff somehow did a run-in but all he could manage was a few punches and "accidently" (LOL) hitting HHH with a chair (like we all haven't dreamed of "accidently" doing that, am I right folks?)! Edge won the world title in a screw job after wrestling for about two minutes. It was original! **1/2
FINALLY AT LAST was John Cena versus Chris Jerich (just like the house show!) Since Cena had MYSTERIOUSLY (not Rey) returned from a "out for a year" injury in three months he kept hesitating and taking weak bumps and all his moves looked like shit (no change there then!) Jeircho worked over his neck usings a double arm DDT stolen from Foley (maybe he'll mention it on Impact!), a kick the neck into the ringpost stolen from Regal and a masterlock full nelson stolen from the Warlord! Despite this Cena just no sold all the neck injuru and popped up to hit his moves when it was time and I realised that the same people on deathvalleydriver who love Cena are the same people who HATE Ring Of Honor wrestlers for no selling big moves and I spat beer (I was drunk at this point by the way) all over the tv at the irony. Anyway, this match ruled because Jericho did the PROPER Liontamer instead of the shitty Walls of Jericho for about 8 seconds which is all any man can take, then Cena won with the FU which sucked but at least it wasn't with the STFU which would have sucked more!
And now for this month's interview with Hornswaggle! Hornswoggle has been a BIG (pun intended he's short lol) star since his debut a few years ago (five I think, I can't remember) as little kids and girls love him because he's the same height as they are!
Me: HELLO HORNSWOGGLE, CAN YOU HEAR ME DOWN THERE?
Hornswoggle: You don't have to shout, I'm holding the phone right to my ear.
Me: Do you have a special little phone for little people?
Me: You should get one! Demand one from the government!
Hornswoggle: Hey, I don't need handouts.
Me: Who cares if you need them, take them anyway!
Hornswoggle: Look, I thought you were going to ask me about wrestling...you sound young so I'll give you another chance.
Me: I might be younger but I bet I'm taller than you! In the PANTS too!
Hornswoggle: Last chance...
Me: Okay, serious question! Remember when it was revealed that you were Vince McMahon's son? And you seemed to genuinely believe you were Vince's son and you loved him like a father? But then it turned out that you are actually FINLAY'S son yet for some reason he never told you? How come you weren't mad at your dad Finlay for keeping the truth from you/
Hornswoggle: Umm...is that interview kayfabe?
Me: Stop talking like Kizarny and answer the question, Shortround!
Hornswoggle: I love my father Finlay very much.
Me: But why did he pretend you were Vince's son?
Hornswoggle: He only wanted the best for me.
Me: How was pretending an evil old perverted man was your father for the best for you? He abused you, probably sexually!
Hornswoggle: Umm...I love my father Finlay very much.
Me: He doesn't love you! He was probably ASHAMED for having a little person kid because lerpachauns are EVIL in Ireland and sided with the British in the war! He made you think you were a little bastard all the time and used to kick you and make you live under the ring.
Hornswoggle: Hey, it's not all bad under there, we have cookies.
Me: Yes, that's why there's cookie sheets under the ring, because of the midgets who live under there eating cookies. I know. I suppose you and Mini Boogeyman were roomies! What happened to him anyway?
Hornswoggle: He died!
Me: Haha, who cares. Hey, do you ever touch that Bella twin who hides under the ring?
Hornswoggle: Yeah! I blame it on Max Mini's ghost!
Me: He's dead too?
Hornswoggle: Might as well be!
Me: Haha, you're alright! For a halfling.
Hornswoggle: And you're an ignorant tosspot.
Me: Thank you very much! Tosspot, I've never heard that, did your IRISH father Finlay teach it to you?
Hornswoggle: Of course. I'm Irish just like him.
Me: You grew up in Ireland? Hiding under Irish wrestling rings?
Hornswoggle: Uh, yeah.
Me: Then how come you don't have an Irish accent?
Hornswoggle: Umm...I got rid of it to make Vince love me more.
Me: Oh. Should have just given him a blowjob! You're the right height for it!
Hornswoggle: Why do you say things like that? Do you have no respect for anything?
Me: Don't lecture me on respect after you took out your proportionally sized penis and pissed all over the cruiserweight belt right in the middle of the ring while Justin Liger DIED in shock!
Hornswoggle: What? I don't even know...
Me: Do you and your midget friends ever try to sneak into the cinema by standing on each other's shoulders and wearing a big raincoat?
Hornswoggle: Only once!
Me: I suppose you had a trouble childhood growing up not knowing Finlay was your father.
Hornswoggle(crying): My mom used to turn on Nitro and make me watch Fit Finlay matches and I didn't know why!
Me: I'd cry too if my mom had forced me to watch Nitro!
Hornswoggle: Do you have any more questions?
Me: When you're travelling with your dad to WWE shows, does he buy a ticket for you on the plan or just carry you about in a suitcase?
Hornswoggle: You idiot kid. What are you doing with your life? What, you think this is worthwhile, making fun of me? Because you could NEVER make fun of me, because I have a life, a career, I have friends, family, I make more money in a year than you'll make in your entire life and I get more pussy in a month than you would if you lived to be a thousand!
Me: Yeah, but you're still a midget!
I think that went a LITTLE bit badly at the end there!
I could have swore I heard Joey saying about Big Show after Flair is busted open: "He's like an extreme shark, sensing blood!" Not just a shark, an EXTREME shark! The self-parody just writes itself sometimes.