OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And like the Diamond Cutter you never saw it coming! BANG! And the big news is apparently some crap about a basketball game and Raw which I don't care about! So I'll move on to talking about the SIZZECOND biggest newz which is that Mister Kennedy is injured AGYANE! I know you shoudln't laugh at another man's misfortune but ROFFLINGMYASSOFFLOL! Stupid Kennedy! We ALL remember that interview he did on Oprah where he said "I have not, nor have I EVER been, a drug user! I don't even know what drugs look like!" then the next DAY the list from Signature Pharmacy was published showing that Kennedy bought 10,000 bags of steroids a WEEK from them! D'OH! Kennedy was suspended for 92 days for this and in his FIRST match back against Jeff Hardy he brok BOTH his legs keeping him out for nine months! Then in his next match back nine months later he damn near broke his neck when CM Punk gave him Go To Sleep (probably EXTRA STIFF since Punk is pro-life and hates anyone who eats drugs!) and had to miss another year of action! And now finally back again his wrist SNAPPED into two wrists when Randy Orton gave his wrist a RKO! Kennedy is now expected to be out of action for fourteen months and eight days and when he returns he will be known as MISTER GLASS and his gimmick will be that he SHATTERS on impact! He will then start wrestling in BUBBLE WRAP and for his opponenet to beat him they'll have to pop all his bubble wrap first! Or just kick his stupid face in.
BREAKING (like Kennedy's wrist) newz: Kennedy has now been REALISED from his contract! However this is just to save money so they don't have to pay him while he's injured and he WILL be rehired when he's healthy...in 2017!!!
In an interesting move, TNA has brought in Raven and Shane Douglas despite them being fat and old! This ISN'T being done because they're still talented and still have something to offer the company (they aren't and they don't!) but rather to confuse ECW fans who ruined their brains with drugs in the nineties and trick them into think it's still the nineties and they're still watch ECW! TNA will also sign Tajiri, Little Guido, Big Sal (or Big Guido if Sal isn't available), 911, Mike Awesome, the Sandman and Charlie Pain (remember him!?) to complete the illusion! But they won't sign Sunny and she'll go on a bitter internet rant about how she wouldn't want to sign with them anyway and how she could be WWE having sex with Randy Orton or Mike Knox if she wanted to be!
TNA has ALSO signed Tazz, not because he used to be in ECW but because he is awesome! Tazz will be revealed as Samoa Joe's new MENTO and Joe will rub his palms together and say "soon my master I will have all the souls you require" then Tazz steps out of the shadows wearing a towel and says "yes my child, growing up in the HOOK with Joey Numbers I know a thing or ten about souls, now I will join you in claiming the soul of Shark Boy!" Then Tazz joins Joe in the ring as Joe puts Sharkboy in his new finisher, the boston crab (to impress Tazz!) but then after Shark Boy has tapped out Tazz will say "thank you...FOR NOTHING!" and kick Joe in the balls three times! Then Tazz says "Hahahaha, it was a set up all along you biatch, I wanted you to take all the biggest threats like Shark Boy and Lauren so that I can take over TNA forever, survive if you want, DIE if I let you!" then kicks Joe in the balls a FORTH time and Don West says "that's it Mike, I QUIT!" at the exact same time in a totally unrelated storyline and storms off!
The feud between Layla and Eve is based on a REAL LIFE incident where Layla put on a pair of Eve's boots thinking they were hers and Eve said "excuse me, those are mine" and Layla said "cheerio, ever so sorry old chap, tally ho!" (she's english!) and gave them back. So as you can see there's some BAD BLOOD there!
Ric Flair WILL wrestle again but to get around the fact that he's retired all his matches will be UNSACTIONED and refereed by Little Naitch Charles Robinson who is not an OFFICIAL refereer! But the matches will still be hugely disappointing and leave you wishing he wouldn't wrestle again and he will take five backdrops in every match and hit nothing but chops!
SPEAKING of TNA, they recently recorded 14 weeks of television in 17 hours at the Impact Zone and I was in attendance so here's some NOTES on things I saw in that time be prepared for SPILLERZ!
- Backstage the Beautiful people of Angelina Sky and Velvet Love were talking about how they have to do something shocking and sex to increase ratings other than just show their asses going through the rings ropes! Velvet suggested a mud wrestling match but in a special kind of "sticky, white mud that men produce when they think about us" but I didn't know what she meant by that. Angelina came up with the idea that instead of that they would MAKE OUT sexually in the ring with a sexy kiss! They came out to the ring (and both are MUCH HOTTER in person by the way...and even hotter in my bedroom after the show!) and Mike Tenay said "NO WAY, NO WAY THIS CRAP IS GOING DOWN, THIS CRAP, THIS IS CRAP, THOSE TWO CRAPPERS, I HATE THEM, CRAP!" Just as they were about to kiss though TYLER WILDE ran out and PUNCHED them both on the mouth and when they tried to kiss it hurt their lips so they couldn't do it! And then VICTORIA (who is also HOTTER in person and than when she was in WWE becasue Undertaker insisted she make herself look less hot so as not to take attention away from Michelle McCool the bastard) ran out and hit some really slow looking punches and a double Widow's Peak on both of them then spontaneously KISSED Velvet on the lips and Velvet was INTO IT and the two of them made out for a full five minutes! Tenay reacted by jumping up on his deks dancing about licking his lips like a madman shouting "YES, YES, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO SEE, THAT IS SO MONEY RIGHT THERE!" and West said "Mike, you're a hypocrite!" then Tenay just KICKED West right in the face full force and said "your parents were hypocrites when they didn't use birth control!" and did a crotch chop!
- The Samoa Joe/AJ storyline FINALLY came to an end when they had a match where if AJ won Joe would be his friend against but if Joe won then Daniels would have to be Joe's friend and also butler wearing one of those butle suits! Anyway the match was a draw when Daniels ran in with a DVD of Clerks which they used to all watch together and quote all the lines to each other ("I'm not even supposed to be here today lol!") and said "why can't we just all be friends again!" Then AJ and Joe both destroyed Daniels and hogtied him up and hung him from the rafters and beat him with sticks and straps and thumbtacks as he hung upside and AJ joined the Ministry of Violence!
- On another show Kip James came out dressed as a cowboy and acting like a face even though he'd been a heel on the previous show and said "that's right, let me introduce you to be my partner and my brother "Lefty" Bart "The Hammer" Gunn!" and the Smoking Gunns were back together! They then beat Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns in a 4 on 2 handicap match in three minutes then Beer Money came out and said "you know when we were growing up we wanted to be the Smoking Gunn, you guys are the best!" and had a beer with them! Then on the next taping Tenay announced the Smoking Gunns had been released.
- On another taping DAFFNEY came out to wrestle Awesome Kong and the fans cheered Daffney wildly of course (some even openly masturwanked!) because she's a HOT GOTH but then Daffney took the mic and said "you fools, I'm not a goth at all, I'm an EMO!" and the fans booed because emos suck! Awesome Kong threw packets of noodles out to the crowd and did a funny dance because she's a face now! Kong hit five implant busters until suddenly Raheesha Sayid hit KONG with a F5 and Daffney got the pin! Then Raheesha took her ARAB ROBES off and underneath she was a hot emo too so it made sense! Then her and Daffney made out and Tenay said "CRAP, CRAP, CUT THIS CRAP, CUT IT NOW!" then West said "hey, they're emos, they'll cut themselves!" and Tenay slapped him.
- Shark Boy took SoCal Val out on a date but was offended when she ordered seafood and gaver her a stunner!
- Another storyline playing out during the tapings involved Jeff Jarrett hiring LEX LUGER to take out Scott Steiner but then Luger turned on Jarrett(!!!!) and RACKED HIM UP! Then when Jarrett had recovered five seconds later he said "at Slammiversary you will wrestle SAMOA JOE in a DEATH MATCH!" Luger barbed backstage and Jeremy Boringrash ran up and said "mister Luger, mister Luger, your thoughts please on having to wrestle Joe at Slammiversary" and Luger said "what kind of a man a DISGUSTING, DESP...DECEPTICON man is that Jeffy What'shisname booking me in a match with Samoa Joe at Super Slammerday? Slamboree? Starrcade? Taboo Tuesday? What is the name of it anyway, Slammiverary? Can he even afford to pay me? Probably, I'm desperate for money! I'm one of the biggest legends of all time, GOD these pants are chaffing me..." then he tried to pull off his pants but they got stuck and he ended up writhing around on the ground trying to get them off! "And your pants are too tight too, Jeffy!" Then Scott Steiner bounced by on a pogo stick.
- The next week was supposed to have Jarrett wrestling Luger in a SHAKING RING match (a bunch of jobbers stood around the ring making it shake with their arms during the match) but Jim Cornette came out holding a brown envelope with the words "DRUG TEST" printed on it in giant letters and said "fortunately Lex Luger cannot compete tonight for VARIOUS REASONS so instead you will take on A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, SLAPTEETH!" and ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL kind of just staggered into the ring! Animal hit Jarrett with a clothesline but fell on his ass then roll out of the ring where he stood panting and struggling to breathe for about five minutes then he said "you know what I've been doing this shit for twenty five years and it's enough, I QUIT!" and stormed out! Then Jarrett stood in the ring for five minutes until ERIC YOUNG ran in dressed as Xena Warrior Princess for some reason and gave him a death valley driver and said "respect that, bookerman!" AND THEN a black guy in a Ronald Reagan mask came out to the top of the stage and POINTED at Eric Young in a threatening manner and Mike Tenay said "that's probably Bobby Lashley but we can't confirm it for legal reasons!"
- On another show the main event was Mick Foley defending the title agaisnt Sting (who had earned the shot the previous week by beating Matt Morgan in an ARM WRESTLING CONTEST) in a match where if Sting won who got co-ownership of TNA whereas if Foley won he got co-ownership of Sting's contract! Then eight seconds later KURT ANGLE Olympic slammed a shopping cart into Sting's face (BUT WAS HE AIMING FOR FOLEY!?) and the Mickster got the pin! Mick said "and NOW that I own you, Sting, I ORDER you to kiss my royal feet!" and took his shoes off and he had a STINKING FOOT underneath! Sting bent down like he was going to kiss the foot...but then he gave Mick THREE low blows instead and stomped on his toes! Sting said "in case you can't tell, that's not just a no, it's an OH HELL TOE!" and did a crotch chop!
- On another show Mike Tenay gave Don West a DDT through the announce table but I can't remember why.
It was the fourth best set of TNA tapings this year!
WWE Extreme Rules is coming soon! Not sure when, might be Sunday, might be a week on Sunday, might have already been! But it's definitaly coming (or has been)! This is a special show as it's the ONLY pay per view in HISTORY where ALL the matche will be EXTREME RULES so send the women and children to bed early (not together though unless it's Michael Jackson dressed as a woman lol)!
Christian versus Tommy Dreamer versus Jack Swigger IN EXTERME RULES MATCH - This is VERY different from a no DQ match there will be WEAPONS around the ring like garbage cans and garbage can lids! Since this is Dreamer's LAST MATCH EVER (praise Jesus (Carlito's bodyguard, NOT the fictional bible guy!)) he will pull out all his old classic moves like that dropkick in the corner he does which doesn't look very good and piledriving a woman off the ring apron through a table! That woman will be KATIE LEA the hot british crumpet as the Brits say and while he's doing that Christian will pin Swagger with that silly move he does where he hangs between the ropes and falls back so his legs hit his opponents face! Then Dreamer stands around in the ring for a while waiting for a standing ovation until security drag him away. But then TOMMY DREAMER JUNIOR who is Dreamer's son with Francine or Beulah or Sunny or someone runs into the ring and says "I'll keep the name alive, dad!" and forms a tag team with Sim Snuka the next night on RAW!
Santina (IT'S JUST SANTINO IN A DRESS. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT FUNNY) versus Vickie Guerrero in a HOG PEN match! - I'm laughing just thinking about it! Laughing...WITH RAGE! Anyway Santina comes out disguised as a PIG in a PIG COSTUME (LOL!!!) to evade Vickie as she knows she's doing the job! But then Vickie decides to use her sexuality as a weapon and starts MAKING OUT with the Santina pig! However she's actually making out with a REAL pig and she's into it (what a respectful use of Eddie Guerrero's widow!)! Then Chavo comes out and gives the pig a frog splash and it DIES and Vickie starts crying because she had fallen in love with that pig! So then Vickie TURNS FACE by slapping Chavo and sending him flying into the hog pen and Santino and Vickie do the Two Cool dance in the mud!
Coughing Kingston versus William Regal versus Matt Hardy versus MVP in a FATAL FOURWAY for the US title - As this match is a FATAL fourway that means that when you're eliminated you are shot DEAD by JR who is standing at ringside with a shotgun! LOL, only joking. He really shoots them in the LEG! LOL, only joking. It's just a normal match and Kingston wins normally. There's absolutely no reason for it to be on Extreme Rules. None.
CM Punk versus Umaga SAMOAN STRAP MATCH - Punk wins with help from a MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN who GORES Umaga then says "that's right biatches, I'm back and I'm in a goring mood, TIME TO GET EXTREME!" It's the return of Chris Masters!
John Cena versus Da Big Show IN A SUBMSSION MATCH, OF ALL THINGS - Throughout the match Cole constantly says "there's NO WAY Cena can get Big Show in the STF!" even though Cena got the clearly larger Great Khali in the STFU two years ago (although the STF is applied slightly differently to the STFU, to be fair!) Big Show gets the dreaded camel clutch on but Cena counters by BITING Show's hand and then he puts Show's HAND into the STF and Cole says "what a genius, the STF applied only to the hand!" Then Big Shows counters with a bearhug somehow and by the way they're both at the top of the ramp and they go flying off through three tables and the match is a draw because THIS FEUD WILL NEVER END.
Rey Mysterio versus Chris Jericho in a NO HOLDS BARBED MATCH - This is VERY different from an Extreme Rules match because even in extreme rules you can't do banned moves like the FISH-HOOK and the NIPPLE CRIPPLE but you can in this match! Jeircho uses lots of MEXICAN submission holds to confuse Rey but Rey counters with lots of CANADIAN submission holds like the Canadian Bacon Armbar (it's just a normal armbar!) In the end Rey goes for the 619 but the rope SNAPS and he falls out of the ring and Jericho pins him on the floor for some reason and Jericho wins! Then you see Jericho hiding a HACKSAW under the ring (not Jim Duggan!) and JR says "WHY THAT SNEAKY BASTARD, HE MUST HAVE USED THAT HACKSAW (NOT JIM DUGGAN) TO CUT THROUGH THE ROPE SOMEHOW WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING I GUESS, WHAT A HOMO!"
Edge versus Jeff Hardy IN A LADDER MATCH - Given that in the build up to this match NO ONE has ever mentioned the fact that Matt Hardy interfered in Jeff's match at Judgment Day and that he could EASILY do so again tonight causing Jeff to lose to Edge on ppv for the third time this year you might think this means it OBVIOUSLY WILL HAPPEN and JR will act all surprised like "BY GAWD, WHERE DID MATT HARDY COME FROM, WHY DID HE INTERFERE, WHAT A FUCKING LOSER, NO WONDER LITA CHEATED ON HIM WITH CRASH HOLLY, MY GAWD BLESS HIS SOUL!" And if you DO think that, you're right!
Randy Orton versus Batista IN A CAGED FURY CAGE MATCH - Batista utterly destroys Orton for twenty minutes without Orton even gettng a chinlock in then FINALLY hits the Batista Bomb! He's about to climb out when he touches the cage but suddenly there's a big spark and he's ELECTROCUTED! Then you see Cody Rhodes holding a ELECTRIFYING DEVICE up against the cage and snickering! But then RIC FLAIR comes riding down to the ring backwards on a donkey like in that Braveheart parody ad he and HHH did for WM21 to show that the punt to the head his driven him INSIDE! Flair jumps off the donkey with a FLYING CHOP on Rhodes to knock the ELECTRIFYING DEVICE out of his hands then takes a backdrop bump! But because the cage isn't electric anymore this means Ted Debiase can climb up to the top of it and dive off hitting Batista with the MILLION DOLLAR BELT (it's back!) on the way down! So Orton wins. Then afterwards Batista is PISSED ANGRY kicking the bottom rope and screwing his eyes up and stuff to show his rage and he SHOVES Flair over and is about to give him a backdrop when "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GAME!" plays! Then Batista and Flair just look around for a few minutes but HHH doesn't come out. And Cole says "DAMN IT, that MUST mean HHH is in the building, there's no other way his music could have played!" and Batista and Flair hug to send the fans home happy. Good match.
Make sure not to miss it!
And now for this year's interview with Michael Cole. Cole has now been with the WWE for twenty years (the didn't let him on tv for the first eight because he was too ugly!) so I thought it was important to talk to him in a serious and frank manner about his career and life!
Me: Is this MICHAEL COLE?
Cole: Yeah, hi.
Me: VINTAGE Michael Cole!
Cole: Yeah, hehe...
Me: The VIPERLIKE Michael Cole!
Cole: Yeah, tha'ts another thing I say...
Me: Right in the SKULL!
Cole: Yeah, I get it, I read the internet...
Me: Not sites outside the WWE UNIVERSE I hope!
Cole: Look, either ask me a sensible question or I'll fucking hang the fuck up, okay?
Me: That was good! That was like CONTROLLED FRENZY!
Cole: Look, I just try to do my job to the best of my abilities, okay?
Me: Best of your SUCKilities more like!
Cole: Do you want me to put you in a submission maneuver?
Me: You should say different things sometimes, is all.
Cole: Every commentator has things they say all the time! Gorilla Monsoon, he said "highly unlikely!" a lot, if you noticed...
Me: Oh, so you're comparing yourself now to the much loved deceased legend Gorilla Monsoon!
Cole: No, I'm not saying that...
Me: Oh so you're saying you're BETTER than Gorilla Monsson! That you're GLAD he died! I've never heard such a thing! Next you'll be saying Joey Marella wasn't a good referee!
Cole: I don't know what you're talking about!
Me: Oh, you don't even know who Joey Marella was! THAT'S TYPICAL.
Cole: Look, kid, I, umm...
Me: You're a joke, Cole, A JOKE.
Second Voice: Don't take that, Michael! Tell him you won't take that!
Cole: I'm not taking that!
Second Voice: You got him on the ropes, pal! Tell him to SHHHUT UPPP! Call him "Mister Internet Man!"
Cole: SHHHUT UPPP, Mister Internet Man!
Me: Mister Internet Man! Who fed you that line?
Second Voice: No one! SSSSHHHUTTT UPPPP!
Me: Oh my gee, is that VINCE MCMAHON feeding Michael Cole lines over the phone!
Vince McMahon: Say no.
Cole: No! It's, umm, my mother.
Me: Is she hot?
Vince: Say yes.
Cole: Uhh, yeah.
Me: OMG you're a mamajammer!
Cole: I'm not! I've never jammed her! Sir, can we just come clean?
Vince: Damn it, alright. Yeah, it's me. Yes, I feed lines to Michael Cole when he's doing interviews over the phone. What's wrong with that, pal? It's a pretty common pratice, I think you'll find. Perhaps in this new socialist Barack Obama worshipping america it's frowned upon, but not where I come from, pal!
Me: Hehe, you're insane.
Vince: SSSSSHHHHUTTTT UPPPP!
Me: While I have you hear, Mister McMahon, I have a very important question.
Me: What was the point of all that basketball crap a couple of last week ago about?
Vince: More damn communists using their perverted business practices to keep me down, pal!
Cole: Mister McMahon, I think it would be best if you just stopped talking...
Me: Hey, he's not supposed to speak like that to you, Vince!
Vince: That's right! I'll muss up your hair, Michael!
Me: He doesn't know what to say because you haven't fed him a line.
Vince: What should I feed him?
Me: How about you feed him...YOUR COCK!
Vince: Okay, I'll do just that...HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
Thank goodness for replays, this was the first time I'd caught Impact in quite some time! -Sting's promo was absolutely AWESOME. -What happened to Kip James? From an Outlaw, to calling out Vince McMahon, to being a fashion consultant?