OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Vince has gone totlaly crazy! He started giving away A MILLION dollars of his own money (not Shane's or Stephanie's or Linda',s his own!) every week to get people to watch RAW! But it made no difference! Then someone said "uhh, Vince, maybe you should give the money away to viewers live on RAW?" since he'd actually just been walking around the streets of america throwing money at people saying "WATCH RAW, PAL!" So he started giving it away on RAW instead...and that sucked too! Vince is now trying to get the original cast of the muppets (Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Silent Pete) to appear on RAW next week because "everyone loves the muppets and they'll bring in the ratings, pal!"
The draft was LAST Monday! And for the first time ever it was a SHOOT DRAFT where all the results were RANDOM! That's why JR had a LEGIT heart attack when he was drafted to Smackdown and also why HHH dropped the set on Vince when he was drafted to RAW (it was Triple H all along!) Vince will now get ROBOT LEGS to replace his broken human ones and will strut around in them thrusting his still human crotch at girls and saying "once you go robot, you never go back!" But then it will be revealed that they were FAKE robot legs because he was just trying to trick people into being scared of him (you can do a lot of damage if you use robots legs to kick someone!) and the whole story will just be forgotten!
If you haven't already, then watch The Dirt Sheet on WWE.com. Miz and Morrison found the scripts to a bunch of ten year old Edge and Christian sketches and they are busy recreating them for our amusement!
JR quote of the month: "SMACKDOWN? SMACKDOWN? GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, KING, I'D RATHER CALL MATCHES DOWN IN HELL, WHILE LUCIFER PLAYS THE FIDDLE AND TAP DANCES ON BABY GRAVES, THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE SMACKDOWN FOLKS, I HATE IT MORE THAN A TWO DOLLAR STAKE THAT'S BEEN COVERED WITH BBQ SAUCE OTHER THAN MY OWN, FUCK SHIT FUCK!"
TNA is set to present it's WORLD X-Cup where the biggest stars from Mexico (El Gran Luahadore), Japan (The Great Mutant) and England (Chester McPippinstock) will all have to lower their standards and sell for jokes like Curry Man and Shark Boy! Rumor has it that Kaz will win the X Cup but then job clean to Petey Williams two weeks later, disappear from tv for a month, get an upset win over Scott Steiner, lose to Steiner three weeks in a row afterwards, then form a meaningless tag team with, let's say, Abyss. So a big push for him then!
Ultimate Warrior has made a comeBACK in Italy against Orlando Jordan! This is of course the third Ultimate Warrior (the one who had that awful match with Goldust in WWF in 96 then appeared in a mirror that everyone in the world but Eric Bischoff could see him in) but he's still a huge star and drew a big crowd of Italians and some Swedish! However the match SUCKED A BALL because Warrior is old and too full of hatred towards liberals to be able to even run the ropes and in fact it was so bad that afterwads the Italians tried to push over the Leaing Tower Of Pizza to crush the arena (which was right next to the Leaning Tower of Pizza if I didn't mention that before!) It was also interesting that noted homophobe Warrior made his comeback against Orlando Jordan, who is a "colourful character" if you know what I mean (he's black!)
Night of Chimpions is THIS Sunday! This is the greatest night of wrestling in the year and has been since it started (last year) since ALL the titles that matter in wrestling are up (I.E. NOT the TNA titles, the japanese titles or the German and French tag team championship, a championship that can only be held by a team of one German and one Frenchman!)
HHH versus John Cena - Who will win this boring battle between the boring babyfaces Cena and HHH? Answer NO ONE CARES LOL! But if you want to know for historical reasons, HHH wins with a pedigreen on BARBED WIRE that JR slips into the ring then JR says "YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE BLEEDING OUT YOUR FACE NOW, CENA, YOU JACKASS, IF I HAVE TO ANNOUNCE SMACKDOWN, I'LL ANNOUNCE IT WITH THE GREATEST WRESLTER ON THE PLANET HHH AS CHAMPION, SUCK IT YOU JABROIN!" and does a crotch chop! But then Triple H just gives JR a pedigree as well and for the next two months on Smackdown Cena beats the shit out of JR every night in an attempt by Vince to get him to quit and if that doesn't work, Vince will start banging his wife! Anyway, HHH wins.
Edge versus Bautista - Before the match Vickie says "guess what Batista you asshole, you won't be wrestling tonight, FUNAKI will be instead!" and Edge laughs and runs at Funaki but Funaki rolls him up in a SMALL PACKAGE for the one two and the three(!) and runs laps around the ring with the belt but then Vicki says "uhh...it was non title!" and Edge spears Funaki and steals the belt back and runs backstage and gets into his car and says "driver, let's go!" but then teh driver turns around and it's CM PUNK(!) and he says "I'm cashing in my money in the bank!" and drives the car right at a wall and jumps out and the car EXPLODES in a massive fireball! Then Edge returns to Smackdown two weeks later perfectly healthy and still the champion since Punk forgot to pin him.
Kane versus Big Show versus Mark Henry - OMG the biggest match in history! The only way it could be bigger would be if Great Khali was guest referee and Big Daddy V the guest timekeeper...which they are! Anyway, Big Show chokeslams Kane right onto Mark Henry's bumpy head and has them both pinned and Khali counts "one...two...IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE GREAT KHALI COUNTS TO THREE!" and just walks out so there's no referee but then Big Daddy V grabs the mic and says "MAY NINETEENTH!" and Kane goes NUTS and starts hitting everyone with chairs and tables and cookie sheets and I guess that's a DQ or something.
Chirs Jericho versus ???????? - And ??????? is, in fact...Eugene! He's back!!! Jericho wins in four minutes.
Matt Hardy versus Chavo Guerrero - Matt wins with a Twist of Fate and then says "you know what, screw it, this belt, this belt ain't worth poop to me!" and throws down the US belt and spits on it and says "I'm declaring myself the FIRST ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!" but then Teddy Long comes out and says "uhh, Matt, Kane is already the ECW champion" and Matt says "oh, right...umm...I'll keep the US belt then" and wipes the spit off it.
Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes versus Ted Debiase and ???????? - And ???????? is in fact...BRYAN DANIELSON! That's right, everyone's indy hero has SOLD OUT and as the "you sold out!" chants start Ted Debiase says "everyone has a price, AHAHAHAHA!" and Bryan Dragon totally destroys Hardcore and Cody to win the belts with his stiff indy moves like european uppercuts and elbow drops then hugs Ted Debiase for WAY too long but they're BOTH into it and outside the ring old Ted Debiase looks worried!
John Morrison and The Miz versus Finlay and Hornyswoggle - This will be a GREAT technical match and Finlay pins Miz after Hornyswoggle sprays him with a super soaker filled with MANURE JUICE!
Mickie James versus Katie Lea - The fans chant "BUTTER FACE!" at Katie until Burchill comes out and tell them to stop and Katie rolls up Mickie for the pint hen makes out with Burchill like crazy and the King shrugs and says "hey, if my sister was a hot butter face, I would too! With butter!"
And now, since I can't think of anything else to write, an ask Hot Newz special!
First questin is from I'MBRINGINGSEXYBLACK.
what happened to vader
Well, he threw the Emporer into the Death Star's reactor to restore balance to the Force then he died in his son Luke's arms. OH NOOPS LOL, YOU MEANT BIG VAG VADER THE WRESTLER! He wrestled in Japan for a while but he SUCKED because of his low american workrate. Now he's a shoot fighter with GREAT success! You see, Vader is taller and heavier than EVERY man in Japan so all he has to do is hit them on the top of their head and then sit on them to win his fights! He is undefeated and the current JSFUPC (Japan Shoot Fighting Ultimate Power Champion!) champion!
Next question is from Old Stretchy.
hey hot newz love your newz and your penis joke lol i'm not gay well i am bi to be honest can't deny it i anyway i think i had a question about ring of honor but that won't bring in the hits now will it so instead i'll ask a sensationalised question about candance michelle okay what does she mean by go daddy does she meansex by it is that what it means anyway i have to go now bye
That was even more painful than a Rey Mysterio promo! To answer your question(?), yes, Go Daddy means SEX just like Gail Kim's "happy ending" means sex and Kelly Kelly's "cookie crunch" of course means sex! It's all sex, you moron!
Thirdest question is from HBKNOTTODAY.
I went to a TNA house show and here are the results!
1) I had a terrible evening.
2) So did my girlfriend.
3) I didn't get laid.
4) I asked Booker T for his autograph but he wrote "NASTY BOY BRIAN KNOBBS" instead and ran away giggling with Kurt Angle.
5) I wanted to kill myself when I got home.
Those are the "results" of going to a TNA house show.
An interesting take on things!
Next questin is from Monty Sock.
Hey Hot Newz, just want to say that I love your column, even if it is just posted on a message board rather than a proper site since no one will hire you because you'd make all the other writers look bad in comparison to your brilliance! Anyway, that's NOT why I wrote, believe it or not! I just watched the draft on RAW and noticed that Rey Mysterio is moving to RAW. Obviously he won't be a main eventer there since RAW is the flagship show and not some joke like Smackdown and they couldn't have a small person as a main eventer, so I've come up with a booking idea for him: a feud with Brian Kendrick. Kendrick can turn heel and call himself Brian KenDICK because he acts like a dick now (do you get it?) and he gives Rey Sliced Bread Number Two onto thumtacks and says "I hope those tacks stick right into your brain!" THey could have a long six to nine month feud where they wrestle each other in various kinds of matches on television and pay per view, trading victories all the while! What do you think?
I think that might just be the GREATEST IDEA EVER...except for the fact that Kendrick has been drafted to Smackdown! DUH!
Final question is from Avril4Life(andDeath).
Do you think Avril Lavigne will ever perform live on Monday night Raw>
Well that's it for this month, I'll probably be back with an even shorter update next month where I just list the top ten smelliest looking wrestlers (SPOILER: Mideon at number two!) or something equally worthless since I don't care at all about wrestling anymore, bye for nizzow!!!
Kayfabe-wise, we should all tip a forty for Minidust. Because the way he got F'Qed up by the Island Boyz tonight, I don't think We'll EVER see him again. I mean, c'mon! His spine was turned into applesauce!!