OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that the RAW ratings are in the toilet! They haven't quite been flushed all the way down the toilet yet, but they will be soon! The ONLY way ratings could POSSIBLY turn round is if Vince McMahon gives me a hundred million dollars and freedom to book both RAW and Smackdown, says "go nuts, kid!" then runs off into the night to give Linda a sympothy bone after she loses elction! So I'm going to PRETEND that has really happened and here is how I would have booked the RAW and Smackdown after Hell in a Cell if I had a hundred million dollars to hire new talent and celebrity guests and total freedom and I think you'll agree the ratings would climb all the way out of the toilet and end up hovering quite far ABOVE the toilet!
The show starts with VICKIE GUERRERO alread in the ring (having the show start with someone walking to the ring is BORING and WASTES TIME) and she says "excuse me!" but after six seconds (the longest time possible to show Vickie without viewers changing channel!) THE GLASS SMASHES and Old Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out! He grabs the mic and says "OH HELL YEAH, WHAT! Old Stone Cold is BACK as the new GM of RAW! THat's right, Vickie, Vince said to tell you you're fired! What have you go to say about that?" Then before Vickie can reply Austin gives her a Stunner(!) and says "DTA YOU PIECE OF CRAP!" because violence against women is BACK and it never should have gone away! Then Austin says "Now Ryback, you piece of trash, I heard you have something to say, you piece of garbage, so bring your bald head out here RIGHT NOW you piece of trashbage!" Then Ryback comes out GROWLING and grabs the mic and says "FEED. ME. PUNK." Then Austin says "I'd love to feed you Punk you piece of trash, he's a piece of trash, but he hasn't shown up tonight! And if he don't show up he will LOSE his title BY FORFEIT because tonight he's going to defend in a special FIFTEEN MAN ROYAL RUMBLE the piece of garabage!" Then Austin stuns RYBACK to show how UNPREDICTABLE he is and says "you ain't Goldberg because these people say you are, you suck BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"
MEANWHILE we see GRAINY FOOTAGE of CM Punk in a DESERT with his car broken down! Punk says "Yeah, tha'ts right, someone SABOTAGED my car so I can't get to RAW and defend my title! It's a conspiracy! Luckily I've got Colt Cacameraman here to document the whole thing!" Then Colt turns the camera on himself and says "thaaaanks!" in that really obnoxious way he always says it in the Art Of Wreslting podcast!
LAYLA is shown having a BUBBLE BATH backstage and she says cryptically "you know, some people say I'm the REAL Black Widow!" This is to set up a match between her and Scarlett Johansson at WrestleMania if Marvel accept my offer (all of the 100 million I haven't spent by the end of this show!)
JERRY THE KING LAWYER comes out to a big pop BUT BEFORE he can speak and before the crowd can give him a ten minute standing ovation (which they would because he deserves it but it would make boring tv!), DOLPH ZIGGLER interrupts! Ziggler says "yeah yeah, it's great that you no sold that heart attack, but what about me! What about the Zig-Zag Man! I'm a young guy with MONEY IN THE BANK and you don't see me getting no ten minute standing ovation!" Then Lawler says "you know what Ziggler I've seen you come out here every week saying you're the best but how about you prove it by putting your Money In The Bank briefcase on the line against ME right THIS MINUTE NOW!" Then Ziggler says "yes!" and runs right at Lawler but flips himself forward into a piledriver position and Lawler slowly sits down on his butt giving Ziggler a piledriver (we don't want Lalwer injured!) and getting the win in four seconds! This is to set up Lawler challenging for the title at WrestleMania in a FEELGOOD MOMENT (he'll still lose though!) and don't worry about Ziggler he'll get all his heat back on Smackdown AND MORE.
Next up, THE MIZ hits the ring and says "yeah, I'm not SCHEDULED to be here right now, but I don't give a crap! I've just found out that I'm not going to be part of the fifteen man Royal Rumble tonight! Really? FOR REALSIES? It's obvious that Stone Cold doesn't want a HANDSOME REALITY STAR as the champion!" Miz is then interrupted by "WOOOOO!" and RIC FLAIR'S MUSIC which is followed by RIC FLAIR hitting the ring (with an elbow drop!) Flair then grabs the mic from Miz and says "WOOOOO!" (as Flair's an insane old man now I'm banning him from cutting proper promos and he'll only be allowed to say two things: "WOOOOO" and "can dance all night long"!) then hands Miz a BROWN ENVELOPE! Miz looks at the envelope (without opening it!) NODS and JR says "COULD THIS BE HORSEMAN RELATED FOLKS?" This is the start of a new MYSTERY ANGLE that will turn ratings around and I haven't actually decided how it will end yet but it will be great!
MEANWHILE Punk is shown racing to the arena in a STOLEN POLICE CAR and Cabana says "can I turn on the siren, can I? PLEASE?" and Punk says "no" which is an attempt to recreat the "Tomko give me a beat"/"no" incident which we all remember!
Next up it's finally time for a match The Three Man Band Baby versus Epico, Primo (NOW FACES) and the return of ALEX RILEY who is wearing a SCARF like he's a European and he grabs the mic and says "I might be wearing a scarf but I'm more of a MAN than you three!" This is to set up that he's actually GAY and he'll be the first GAY FACE in the history of wrestling (Evan Bourne's inured!) 3MB win with their new finisher THE GUITAR PICK (double hiptoss into a Drew McIntyre powerbomb) because I'm pushing them to keep the smarks happy and Drew most of all then Drew says "Tiffany, I've got someone MUCH HOTTER than you now!" and the HOT GINGER GIRL Karen Gillan from DOCTOR WHO comes out and MAKES OUT WITH HIM (I'm sure she'll agree to do it since I've got a hundred mill to spend and the BBC is a socialist company that probably pays literally nothing! And they're both Scotlandish so they must know each other!)
HOWARD FINKEL is wheeled out to the ring (he's too fat to walk under his own power, but the fans still love him!) and says "it is now time for the fifteen man ROYAL RUMBLE match! Here is the individual that drew NUMBER ONE! And John Cena's old WORD LYFE music plays becuase he's number one and he's back to being a raper and here's his rap!
Yo yo yo yo YO, back to the old, sick of the new, Going to run you over like you're Steve Austin and I'm Rikish Phatu! People say I got stale, that I ain't go the touch, People I'll make you humble, like Iron Sheik with a Camel Clutch! And yeah I went to AJ's hotel room, where I ate more than a dish, But I'm not a bad guy, do lots of work for Make A Wish! I'm saying we had oral sex, if you didn't get it or if my rapping's hit the skids, Never going to turn heel because I sell loads of merchandise to the kids! WORD FREAKIN' DEATH!
I'm sure you'll agree all the grown men fans will love Cena again after this! Number two in the Royal Rumble is David Otunga and Cena EFFORTLESSLY flips him out of the ring with the FU (it's back!) right away then yawns and looks at his watch to show his new attitude! Number three is VAL VENIS in a surprise appearance to get "Val Venis" trending on Twitter and attract older fans back (a can't fail strategy!) and he says "Hello Ladies, heh heh heh! You know something? The Big Valbogus is a lot like George Lucas! You konw, I made some movies. Made some money. And when women see MY lightsaber they scream "NOOOOOOOO!" like Darth Vader...because it's so big! And after I win this Royal Rumble? I'm going to Disney World!" Then Cena clotheslines him out right away. Number four is DANIEL BRYAN and he and Cena recreate that match they had on Velocity in 2003 move for move! Number five is KANE and he and Bryan spend the full two minutes saying "I'm the tag team champions!" because it NEVER GETS OLD!
Number six is DOCTOR SHELBY (he's back!) who has entered himself to talk some sense into Kane and Daniel...but they end up TRIPLE TEAMING Cena once he does! Number seven is the Apesex Predator RANDY ORTON who comes out wearing a Smackdown t-shirt as part of an ongoing feud between the two brands that will be ongoing! Number eight is MIchael McGillicutty as a WILD CARD to show that anyone has a chance of winning (he's eliminated by Cena right away for realism.) Number nine is KEVIN NASH who Jackknives Daniel Bryan over the top rope to the floor to rile up smarks! Number ten is Brotus Clay who eliminates Nash because he's getting a big push now and Naomi does guest commentary and says "i'm going for the Divas championship on Smackdown!" to set that up! Cole then makes a joke saying they can't let Cameron on commentary BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A CAR CRASH and JR says "did she BRIBE you to say that!" then they high five!
Number eleven is BROCK LESNAR because I'm burning out all his contractual appearances for short term gains! He eliminates Nash, Kane AND Doctor Shelby all at once to show how tough he is! Number twelve is SETH ROLLINS from NXT to MIX THINGS UP! Number thirteen is Albert Del Rio and he eliminates Seth Rolls AND HIMSELF with a crossbody and then puts Seth Rollins in an armbar on the floor...this doesn't mean I'm putting Rollins on the main roster, I'm actually putting Del Rio on NXT to make him respect me (he's notorious for not respecting new bookers!) Number fourteen is RYBACK who eliminates Clay and Orton with a DOUBLE MEATHOOK CLOTHESLINE right away then has a TENSE STAREDOWN with Brock...but before they can go at it (have to save that for WrestleMania!) CENA jumps in between them and is all "aww, shucks, aren't I adorkable!" So they rip his legs off (not literally...unless we can get FAKE LEGS for Cena to wear!?) Then everyone stops in shock as SCOTTY TOO HOTTY'S music plays and he's the final entrat at fifteen(!?) but just as he starts to dance down the asile CM PUNK drives up in that stolen cop car and RUNS HIM OVER then says "I'm here and I'm in the Rumble!" and Colt says "ColtMerch.com!" and Punk drives the cop car right into the side of the ring! Colt eliinates CENA with a HIGH KNEE and LESNAR with a DOUBLE HIGH KNEE then puts Ryback in a choke hanging over the ropes like Benoit did to Big Show to eliminate him from Royal Rumble 2004 (JR: "I've never seen this move before, folks!") and he nearly has Ryback out...
...when STONE COLD'S music plays and Austin comes out and says "oh hell yeah you piece of trash this is a sixteen man Royal Rumble you piece of garbage and I am the sixteenth man oh hell yeah!" then just reaches up from the floor and pulls Punk out to eliminate him! Then pulls a BRIEFCASE out from under the ring and his Punk with it and Punk blades! Then Austin gets in the ring and faces off with Ryback...and says "I respect you, feedmemoreman!" and steps over the top rope himself to give Ryback the win! Then Austin says "OH HELL YEAH it was a set up all along and all you pieces of garbage trash fell for it, you think old Stone Cold became a millionaire by not selling out, old Stone Cold sold out years ago and now Ryback is the new CORPORATE Ryback to deal with rebel scum like Punk oh hell yeah!" and he pulls a SUIT out of the briefcase and Ryback puts it on and says "ME CORPORATE NOW RRRRRRRR!" (By the way, Punk's a face now!)
So now it's on to Smackdown and I know what you're thinking you're thinking "OMG Hot Newz how can you top RAW unless Layla's in the bubble bath again and this time there's no bubbles!?" well you're about to find out!
The show starts wtih Booker T in the ring doing a spinaroonie to show he's a fun GM when suddenly STONE COLD comes out and says "Booker T, the board of director's have told old Stone Cold to appoint a new CO GM to Smackdown because you're obviously an Obama voter and we need a Romney voter as well to keep thing's fair and here is that new GM!" Then "JACK ONE TWO" plays and JACK SWAGGERS comes out and says "I am an ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN right down to my GUTS and if you don't believe it then watch me SPIT OUT red white and blue!" then sprays RED WHITE AND BLUE MIST into Booker's eyes! Then Booker is staggering around blind and DOLPH ZIGGLER jumps out of the crow and gives him a Zig Zag and Swagger smiles and says "thank you for taking care of that problem OLD FRIEND you will have a title match with Big Show tonight as your reward!"
Justin Gabriel versus Rey Mysterio - They have a TWENTY MINUTE CLASSIC like used to happen on THUNDER back in the day and just as Rey is about to hit the 619, SIN CARA kicks him in the head and Justin wins but then looks confused and Sin Cara smiles then RIPS HIS MASK OFF revealing DAMIEN SUNDOWN underneath and he says "truely my intellectual plan to steal Sin Cara's mask then kick Rey in the head has paid off handsomely!" This is the start of a long intellectual fued between Rey and Damien which will end at WM (Cody and Sin Cara are being released to save money!)
Eva Torres versus Naomi - Naomi dominates with SUPER ATHLETIC moves because she's a super athlete and wins the Diva's title with her finisher: the top rope 1080 splash! Then KAITLYN comes out and says "Eve, I've finally found who the blonde woman working with you was that took me out. It...was...ME!" then smiles evily and gives Naomi a clothesline and an inverted death valley driver onto two chairs! Then Eve smiles sexily at Kaitlyn and this is of course the start of a lesbian angle!
WADE BARRETT comes out to the ring and says "alroight mate, Randy Orton, you plonker, I challenge you to come out 'ere right now and fight me ENGLISH STYLE you jammy dodger!" Then Orton comes out and they have a HARD HITTING BRAWL until Orton traps Barett in the ropes! Then Orton says "you know what I'm sick of you being English and getting in my business so my little friend is going to take care of you and you'll know why they call me THE VIPER!" and he pulls a VIPER out from under the ring(!) and it's going to bite Barrett on the arm like Jake the Snake did to Macho Man before they both died, and Barrett closes his eyes in FEAR and says "oh please no!" then Orton winks and SANTINO rolls into the ring with the COBRA on his hand and bites Barrett with it but Barrett still has his eyes closed and thinks it's the viper and pees himself! Then Orton and Santino do a jumping high five! This is to set up Barrett returning to England for six weeks to find himself and he'll record videos with many English celebrities such as Piers Morgan, The Spice Girls, 1 Direction, Captain Picard, Prince Harry (a big fan!) and Bono!
Dolph Ziggler comes back out to the ring holding NOTES but then TEARS UP the notes! Ziggler says "you know what, Jack Swagger gave me some notes on things I should say out here, but I just tore those notes up and I'm not going to say those things! I'm sick of being Jack Swagger's assistant after an hour in the job! I'm sick of not being able to tell YOU GREAT FANS (he's turned face!) how much your support means to me! And by the way, on RAW I said if Jerry Lawler beats me he can have the money in the bank briefcase...but I kept the CONTRACT THAT WAS INSIDE!" and he pulls the Money In The Bank contract out of his pants! "That's right, I don't need a handout from Jack Swagger, I'll be challenging Big Show tonight but I EARNED it myself by deceiving Jerry Lawler!" ANd the fans go wild!
TRIPLE H comes out to the ring and says "you know what I was sitting at home with Stephanie on Monday, thinking about how hot she is, when I saw Brock Lesnar in the Royal Rumble and my bloor boiled which was painful because it was flowing in a certain direction from thinking about Stephanie if you know what I mean! Brock, at Survivor Series, I challenge you to take me on in a SURVIVAL MATCH (where the ring has NO ROPES!) Then Brock appears via saturnlitte to save money and appearances (I've changed my mind since booking RAW!) and says "JUST BRING IT!" Then HHH says "oh and by the way I hired a special SENSAI to train me for this match and his name...IS THE LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN!" and Blackman pops up from under the ring and says "it's party time!" and Lesnar's eyes bug out like a cartoon!
Ric Flair approaches David Otunga with a BROWN ENVELOPE backstage but when Otunga reaches for it Flair PULLS IT AWAY and runs it through his hair and says "wooooo!" to add to the mystery angle!
Thirty minutes of RAW highlights!
Now it's time for the main event of Big Show defending against Dolph Ziggler and Show dominates with chops and hiptosses and hits the knockout punch...and Ziggler kicks out! Zinggle comes back with a superkick to the knee, then one to the chest, then THREE to the face and is about to win...when SHEAMUS hits him with a Brogue Kick and Big Show gets the pin (it was a no DQ match!) Then Show says "hahaha, fella, I realised after Big Show knocked me out that he is my MASTER now, fella!" and SHAKES HANDS with Big Show! This is to set up Ziggle recruiting THE UNDERTAKER to help him take out Show and Sheamus (Undertaker won't wrestle because he has no knees or hips now, he'll just stand in Ziggler's corner on crutches saying "you can do it, kid!" from time to time.)
Backstage Jack Swagger says "great show but I'm bursting for a pee!" and runs into the bathroom...where LAYLA is still in the bubble bath and Swagger says "someone get me a pin to burst all the bubbles!" and winks to the camera!
No one can deny that these shows would turn the ratings around! Back never with nothing! Follow me on TWITTER!
I turned it on to see the Rusev/Cena segment and flipped away when I heard the congratulations to NBC for the SNL anniversary show and the segue to Ambrose doing his own Weekend Update backstage. Nope nope nope.