live in Ft. Lauderdale, FL - lots of fans still outside, must've just opened the doors. It's the Office Depot Center, and your hosts are Lita and the Coach. Let's start the hype right away: that 2/3 falls match. Moving on, that WWE Title match. Brock will be in the building but we still don't know if he'll be in Angle's corner. Also the three way match for the Women's Title where the title
Let's take you through Victoria's psycho-ness since Survivor Series. That outfit in her video that she wore at the last PPV looks the best, you know. "You psycho [complete mute]" - there's another word they can't say on MTV here, apparently. Though I'm sure I've heard it on Real World a time or two
Moments Ago, Lillian Garcia got words from WWE Women's Champion Victoria (w/Steven Richards) - is she worried that she'll lose her title tonight." Lillian, if Trish Stratus and Jacqueline think I'm a psycho b[near complete mute] now, wait, just wait to see what I'll do to keep my title." Steven: "Hahaha."
Coach and Lita wonder why Steven was carrying Victoria's bags - maybe he was trying to be polite, seeing as he's got nothing else to do tonight? Gee, they have to make everything so weird. Disadvantage for Victoria tonight (which means she'll probably win.) Order now blah blah blah.
Fans are still filling in - later, Jeff Hardy vs D'Lo Brown.
RAW Live Monday - Orlando, FL Saturday - Oklahoma City, OK Two Weeks from Thursday - Honolulu, HI Two Weeks from Friday - Honolulu, HI Two Weeks from Saturday - Anaheim, CA
Wow, that's one long line but it's moving. Coach totally botches the pronounces of "Metriod" in the ad copy
Tough Enough clips - Iceland, one girl left, Jonah's a moron, I don't get much from this episode.
Coach has issues with burping - Lita suggests it as a fallback career. Coach: "[Tough Enough], the #1 show on Thursday nights on cable". Hey, you know that match that has 3 possible falls? If not, here's a reminder. Also - Edge vs A-Train, Benoit vs Guerrero [Lita says: "Mexico and Japan" to see if I'm paying attention], Kane vs Batista. And the WWE Title match - Big Show (w/Paul Heyman) vs Kurt Angle (w/Brock Lesnar?)
Moments Ago, Brock Lesnar arrived - Josh Matthews caught up with him. Introductions are made - "Well Josh, alls I got to say is, that tonight, I'm gonna make an impact." And he walks away - surely to go form a trio with Lance Storm and Justin Credible.
Moving on, there's a four way for the tag team titles - Jericho/Christian vs Storm/Regal vs Dudleyz vs Booker/Goldust - the script they're reading seems to pick the Dudleyz and the champions. And then there's the video Dawn has to show - Lita hasn't been able to talk to Dawn about it.
Coming up, let's catch up with the Rock.
Lugz shovel/elbow drop of last Monday
Now to something totally different - the last two weeks of Dawn/Torrie, with some flashback and swimsuit footage to make it seem interesting. Lita hasn't heard from Torrie and neither has Stacy (but Torrie and Stacy aren't friend anymore, right?). Lita and Coach go with this being a sad situation.
Next, the Rock.
RAW Retro - the Black Wedding. 4/26/99. This all made not too much sense, what, two weeks later? All faces trying to save who weren't Steve Austin aren't included.
750,000 votes have already come in for the Best Raw Moment - buy a RAW magazine.
Courtesy Confidential: It's the Rock - on tape. From the set of his new movie and with some Seann William Harris. There's one heel-twinged comment semi-mocking other people's catchphrases (naming nothing specifically) and promising to unleash some new ones upon his return, but nothing really strong. No return date set. They might have said the name of the movie but not more than once. Rock has "holes" in his shirt but they're so fake looking (three symmetrical ovals) that they're just annoying the heck of me. It's the little things that drive me crazy. He's coming back....at sometime.
Still to come - Jeff vs D'Lo
BOD Man Jericho/Christian punk out the Dudleyz of Two Weeks Ago. There might have been other guys involved but they don't get shown much.
Segue to hype about that four way match again - Lita has faith in Goldust/Booker T this time. Moving on, the WWE Title match - and how did we get here. Lita plugs Stephanie's interview in WWE Magazine. Coach sends it to commercial not realizing there's a D'Lo/Jeff bumper he's supposed to hype.
The crowd seems to be starting to filling in now - Coach and Lita throw it to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross for...
Jeff Hardy (Cameron, NC, 218 pounds) vs you betta recognize D'Lo Brown (Chicago, IL, 268 pounds) - Jeff is not 218 pounds, but then D'Lo is not 268. Lawler plugs his book. Circle - crowd on D'Lo immediately. Lockup - headlock, Jeff shots him into the ropes, back with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, into a hiptoss. Jeff with a 'rana (sure close enough) and D'Lo's scared back into the corner. Lockup - no D'Lo with a kick, right. Whip, Jeff slides under, D'Lo grabs a foot while Jeff's on the ground and just holds it as Jeff gets up on his other foot, turns around and hits revere enziguiri. Corner whip, reversed, D'Lo stops shot so Jeff can do that cross boy, but Jeff holds up on the turnbuckle, waits for D'Lo to turn back and just missile dropkicks him. 'rana - no, powerbomb. D'Lo stomps the back. Forearm to the back. Stomp. Right to the face. D'Lo with a whip, right hand misses, HORRIBLE sunset flip, D'Lo has to roll himself through, Texas Cloverleaf! Lawler: "Modified Sharpshooter" - someone told him to say that because he ain't calling a move otherwise. Break, stomp, stomp. Side backbreaker - second rope elbow drop hahaha one two no. D'Lo rules or Bret's coming back tonight. Well I know D'Lo rules so never mind. Sudden Impact is almost accidentally called by JR. D'Lo pulls him up by the hair to yell at him - corner whip, but Jeff hits the Whisper in the Wind. Both men are slow up though - D'Lo misses a right, Jeff sets up and then there's the split legged jawbreaker. Double leg takedown - double low blow legdrop. Russian legsweep, Compactor one two no. Replay of the Whisper in The Wind. Crowd is deathly quiet. Jeff with a corner whip, charges into a back elbow, D'Lo charges out into what I guess was a jumping forearm. Jeff going up - Swanton but no one's home. D'Lo with a forearm to the back - setting Jeff on the top rope, right to the head. Second rope superplex? No, pushed off - Jeff with a cross body, D'Lo rolls through and pulls the tights, Jeff rolls through and pulls the tights one two three (4:54) JR pauses no more than a second and goes right to the final video package
Shawn and HHH don't like each other. Yep.
See you in a couple weeks [unless you like the lucha...]
Well…Sort of…After a short talk with Rick Scaia (thanks Jeb!), we’ve come to an agreement to make Online Onslaught the new home of Raw Satire from here on out. Yes, I’ve gone and defected to another brand.