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17.6.18 1933
The W - Guest Columns - Heat [12/08/02]
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Since: 10.12.01
From: Aurora, IL

Since last post: 2 days
Last activity: 38 min.
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 10.00

TV PG LV entertainment open fireworks

Stacy Keibler vs - wait, I guess this isn't a match. "Hello, Sunday Night Heat! Alright, well, I hear that everything's bigger in Texas. So I was wondering - does that go for Testicles too? That's what I thought. Well, with that, I would like to introduce you to my my newest project, the man who LOOOOVES his testicles, TEST." 

Test (no hometown, no weight, w/Stacy Keibler) vs - Oh, this still isn't a match. "I need some music" - so they play the stock "woman doing a sexy dance" music, and Lita and Coach crack up because they know it so well. Stacy's shirt wastes no time in riding up. Wait - this IS a match, as the music interruption lets us know

Test (w/Stacy) vs Justin Credible (Ozone Park, NY, 225 pounds) - Justin gives a shoulder shrug as if to say "sorry, but I'm supposed to job to you here." Justin goes to pose and runs into a big elbow, that'll stop that. Right. Whip, hiptoss is blocked, Justin's is blocked, Test with a swinging neckbreaker. Right. Whip, Justin grabs the ropes and slides out. Will they have a name for Test's move this week? Stacy slaps Justin on the butt - Justin is surprised- right missed, Stacy pushes Justin in. Test is not happy - press slam. Justin is begging off now. Right. Back elbow. Corner whip, Justin kips up, Test gets him on his shoulder, Justin slips behind and pushes Test into the corner, Test stumbles into an armbar takedown. Justin takes him outside, but only to smash his elbow into the post. And again. Justin in to break the count, and then to follow up. Armbar on the left arm. He's working that arm - Coach says Justin's a very good in-ring technician. Test reverses to a sidewalk slam. Off the ropes, elbow drop misses. Coach points out Test's stupidity for trying to hit with the injured arm and causing it to hurt more with the miss. Justin in the corner, Test charge into a boot, Justin charges out into a tilt-a-whirl slam. Both men slow up - Justin actually wins the punch battle because Test hurts his arm blocking the punch. Justin off the ropes, and and Test is smart enough to clothesline with the right arm. Whip, reversed, reversed into a short knee by Test. Pumphandle, Justin slides free, forearm to the back, off the ropes, into the full nelson release slam. One two no foot on the ropes. Test setting up for the boot - Justin pulls Chad Patten in the way, Test stopping just in time but turning around - now he charges into a Justin boot. Justin throws him shoulder first into the post, inside cradle with foot on ropes one two NO. Kick is caught, Justin pushed into the ropes and meets the Boot. One two three. (3:08) He didn't even NEED to do the move this week. Stacy raises up the good shoulder - Test manages to lift up that left shoulder eventually, but he's keeping it pretty close to his side. I'll give Test a dollar if he's selling that Monday.

Your announcers are Lita and Coach - HBK, fighting champion. What shape will he be in at Armageddon?

In the locker room, it looks like Chris Nowinski and D'Lo Brown are having a discussion - we cut in on D'Lo talking: "But listen up Nowinski - there are several reasons why I don't want to be your partner tonight or any other night, but the simple number one reason is I Don't Like You." "That's neither here or there - this isn't about me, this is about you. You used to be somebody-" "WHAT" "-You used to the be the InterContinental champion and the European Champion." "Yea, four times." "But those days are long gone for you [D'Lo shots him another look] - and why, why D'Lo? 'cause a guy like Maven comes in here and uses his sick mother to get sympathy to win a WWE contract, and then comes in here and steals all of your airtime! Damnit, I hate guys like that. The audacity!" "Nowinski, what's your point?" "My point is that Maven thinks he's better you. I know he isn't, and if you team up with me against Maven and Al Snow, we'll show the world who's better." "You know what? You might be right. See, I've been in this company a long damn time and I've earned my props and I will be damned if someone comes in here my airtime!" "That's right bro, now you're talking!" "You're damn right!" Gee, it isn't like D'Lo to be missing the obvious this much - but anything to get on TV, I guess... 

Smack Your Mouth Dudleyz Laid Out of Monday

Jericho vs Booker - both parts. (4:50

Coming up later - Maven/Al vs D'Lo/Nowinski. But next - Steven vs Johnny.

RAW Retro - Stone Cold Zamboni, 9/28/98. They fix the audio feed here. All this blurring makes it seem like something horrible is happening that they have to take out. (:48)

JVC Steven doesn't fare well against Scott Steiner

Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds, w/o Victoria) vs Johnny Stamboli (Brooklyn, NY, 248 pounds) - Steven looks up at the ceiling while on the stage for no real reason. Coach: "It's hard for me to believe that SmackDown! GM Stephanie McMahon is a super freak." Johnny is slapping hands, so he's a face this week. Circle. Lockup - no, Steven with a kick, chop. Knee. Knee. Right. Right. Right. Right. Steven yell. Johnny charges out - shoulderblock, dropkick. Whip, back elbow. Cover one kinda two though it looked like Steven kicked out before then. Turnbuckle smash. Corner whip, Johnny with a corner clothesline. Corner whip, no one home for Johnny this time, should first into the post, Steven throws him out. Lita calls Johnny and Coach going out with the ladies after RAW "an Austin Appreciation night, if you will." I think that went over Coach's head. Whip - no, Johnny whips Steven into the barricade chest first. Head - no, Steven posts Johnny's shoulder, than runs the shoulder into the post again. Back back in - elbow to the back. Step over sit on the arm. Coach: "And you know what's in Knoxville?" Lita: "Dollywood." They're kinda doing their own show here, which is fine because so am I. Steven's working the step over armbar. Johnny battling back with punches. Kick, front facelock but Steven reverses with an armbar. Fujiwara! Steven apparently sucks. Well *I* don't think so but they do. Both getting up - Johnny with punches, side slam. One two no. Armbar takedown into the Fujiwara. Steven throws off his elbow pad - I don't know why. Picking Johnny up and leaning him in the corner - chop, corner whip, reversed, Steven sidesteps the charge, corner whip, reversed by Steven getting a boot up and back elbowing Johnny as he comes in, though it seems like Steven hurts himself in the process. Did they knock heads there? Punch battle - yell, clothesline misses by Steven, Johnny's doesn't. Back elbow. Whip, no short knee, reverse neckbreaker. Corner whip, Steven rebounds into an overhead belly to belly suplex one two no. While Lita remembers Johnny vs Terry Funk in WCW where Johnny about killed himself, Johnny charges into the corner shoulder first (see how he's learned so little) - kick StevenDDT one two three (4:11) Ah, as Steven celebrates up the ramp, Victoria walks down. And bites his chin. And waves for him to follow. Steven takes off his other elbow pad and does just that. Is that one of Stacy's old outfits?

In the cafeteria, Raven enjoys a box lunch with someone I don't know. "What's your name, kid?" "Mike." "Mike. The reason I've asked you to join me,  is tonight I begin my masterpiece. It's you - everyone else out there's first step towards salivation. And my first step towards immortality. I know you and everyone else there thinks that I'm some sort of psychotic fanatic, some sort of evil zealot. But I want you to know, I'm not doing this for me - I'm doing this for you. That's why - open that one up [Mike open his box, takes out an orange] - that's why, that's why I thought the more intimate setting of a shared meal, a boxed lunch, would be an appropriate place to begin the first step of my masterpiece. - Greed. Do you consider yourself a greedy person, Mike?" "No." "Okay, so if I offered you my sandwich, for a $100 would you eat it?" "Yea." "Alright, hold on a second - hold that thought. [Raven unties a boot] This just wait one minute Mike - this is the beginning of a masterpiece. You're going be part of something beautiful - something wonderful, something you can tell your grandchildren about. Allow me. [Raven, having got his shoe and sock off, places the sandwich on the floor - and mashes it with his foot.] Go ahead and eat the sandwich now, Mike." "No way." "How about $200?" "No." "$300, Mike, c'mon." "Not a chance." "$500? [Mike appears to be thinking about - so does Coach - Raven still has his foot in the sandwich] $500 - just to eat sandwich. I mean, I cleaned my foot the other day. Let me roll this [his pant leg] up for you." "You gonna move your foot?" "No! $500! Come on [Mike's on his knees now] but don't you use your hands, just use your face." "WHAT" "Just use your face, Mike - you want the money or not? Do you want the money or not?" "... yea" He's on his hands and knees - and he eats from under Raven's feet. Well, the camera pans away so we don't get a real shot of it. "Ladies and Gentleman, I give you GREED! Look at that - you're pathetic. You know what, you're just like everyone out there, who's think they're above reproach. You're a hypocrite and you're a sinner. [takes money from shirt pocket and throws it at Mike, who's still on his knees.] Here's your money [Mike ducks down to pick it up - Raven cranks him with his boot] and here's your HELL!" And....break that finger. Hey that looks like real money. If you ever want to rob Raven, go for the front shirt pocket - he carries big bills!

Hey, wasn't/isn't this a show on MTV? 

TE3 (2:44) Lita makes the "long walk home" joke TOO. I think she's happy about her clone being cut. Still to come - Maven/Al vs D'Lo/Chris. But next, the #1 contenders match.

Lita and Coach talk about the HUGE main event of Armageddon. "We've got a main event everyone wants to see!" You know the WWE's really hitting it's creative zenith when the main event of RAW is a #1 contender match for the PPV and the main event of SmackDown! is a #1 contender match for the PPV. (2:01) Lita reads form a card.

Next - Maven/Al vs D'Lo/Nowinski - Coach isn't happy.

RAW Live -
Monday - Knoxville
Friday - Old Dominion
Saturday - Ft. Myers, FL
Sunday - Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Next Monday - Orlando, FL
Next Saturday - Oklahoma, OK

Maven & Al Snow (481 pounds) vs Christopher Nowinski (w/the book of learning) & D'Lo Brown (RAW Two Weeks Ago, 500 pounds) - they come out to Maven's music, hmm. And Chris's music. Hey, someone brought the relevant clip this week - Chris makes the comments, and hits him with the book. Chris doesn't want to start and face Maven. Al tells Maven that he'll start - but D'Lo punks out Al from behind. Right. Right. Right. Corner whip, Al slides short, ducks a clothesline, double underhook, headbutt headbutt headbutt headbutt headbutt headbutt headbutt headbutt. Al celebrates and gets an eye poke. D'Lo looks for a tag, but Chris has found his way to the floor to argue with the front row. The implication is that Chris left D'Lo hanging but we don't get the camera shot to show Chris evading the tag. Al turns D'Lo around - right, slam. Slam. Armbar. It occurs to Coach (finally) that Chris is just as guilty as Maven at "taking" D'Lo's airtime. Al with shoulders to D'Lo's shoulder. Lita: "I guess everyone on RAW is pretty much taking D'Lo's air time." Maven tags in - kick to left arm. Armbar. Coach hopes this attitude change with D'Lo doesn't stuck - I kinda hope they figure out one way or the other eventually, since they've been teasing this off and on since the end of the Raven feud. D'Lo reverses to a whip, jumping side kick. NOW Chris wants a tag - but Maven pops back up and Chris tags D'Lo back in. D'Lo looks at Chris, and Maven slingshots D'Lo in. Armbar. Shot to the shoulder, shot to the shoulder. Arm crank. Arm crank. Al tags in - off the rope axhandle on that left shoulder. Right, right. Armbar. Lita points out that not only did Al train Chris and Maven, he taught D'Lo a long time ago. Coach didn't know that - I knew that but wasn't thinking about it right now. D'Lo with a right, whip, AL goes over, Chris gets in a shot from the apron, Al grabs Chris by the hair and D'Lo hits a forearm to the back - Sudden Impact one two NO. Tag to Chris - Chris gets the first shot to Al's midsection. Right. Right. No one's a fan of Harvard. Chris taunts Maven in, which distract the ref from D'Lo and Chris choking Al with the tag rope. Lita says her dog may want out of the D'Lo Nation. Chris taunts Maven some more - and turns into a Al punch. Al trying to make at but Chris trips him up, and tags D'Lo - D'Lo with an elbow drop to the head. Double team stomping. Maven has enough and wants in, but Charles Robinson stops him just short. Both D'Lo and Chris have words for Al. Slam. Shaky Shaky EVIL Legdrop? No, the evilness is all in the obscene of the legdrop! Right. Corner whip, by Chris, AL rebound out and hits Chris with a clothesline. Can he make the tag - tag to D'Lo - and he smacks Maven on the apron to prevent the tag. Al's brought back over to D'Lo's corner - turnbuckle smash. Snap mare. Chinlock. Al rallying back - punches to the midsection, off the ropes, sunset flip but D'Lo stops it with a punches. Shaky shaky but Al finishes the sunset flip one two no. Both up - D'Lo with a clothesline. Al staggering around - D'Lo slam, what's he gonna do now? He's gonna not do the legdrop again, I guess. Another Sudden Impact? I guess Al reversed it to a DDT but we didn't have the best angle - we only really can tell by the selling of the move. Both men need a tag - tag to Chris, tag to Maven - Chris tries to get back out but Maven throws him down by his hair twice. Whip, Forearm. D'Lo misses a clothesline - big backdrop for him. Chris with a running forearm for Maven, Al with a running forearm for Chris, D'Lo with a running forearm for Al. It's all breaking down - D'Lo and Chris work over in corners, faces whipped into each, Al slides under Maven, Chris clotheslines Maven, Al hits a flapjack on D'Lo, Chris with a clothesline on Al, Maven with a dropkick on Chris! Maven goes to pick up Chris, but D'Lo's got him - Sky HI! D'Lo goes after Al, but Al hits him with a forearm and D'Lo's knocked outside. Charles tries to restore order by getting Al out, but Chris has the book - swing and a miss (the book goes flying towards the ramp) inside cradle one two D'Lo breaks it up! Al charges at D'Lo and takes them both out. Chris with a right, into the corner, but Maven turns it around. Chris with a double leg takedown with feet on the ropes one two three (6:43) Lita doesn't think this is over - Coach points out that Chris still can't beat Maven without cheating. D'Lo's happy with the way this went - Al and Maven less so.

That's it.

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A wonderfully detailed column as always, and I am just glad you could understand all the dialogue that I couldn't (such as Scott and Rebekah's argument and what Scott said to Al after his imaginative sell). Thank you Cubsfan.
- Torchslasher, Tough Enough (11/04/02, #304) (2002)
Related threads: Raven on Heat - Heat [#227, 12/01/02] - Heat - More...
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