So what if it's not even Christmas yet? For this column, I've decided I'm going to stop ripping off other columnists, and go straight to WWE Magazine. It's time to look into the crystal ball of the future to see what will (and won't) happen in the coming year.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN He will return just in time for the Royal Rumble, but he will not win it. Instead, he will be the first man eliminated, despite being the 30th entry. Austin shall turn over a new leaf, and become a jobbing machine the likes of which we haven't seen because Hogan's been gone for a while. Either that or he'll win the World Title tonight on Raw. Pick one.
GOLDBERG He will continue to wrestle in Japan, causing many injuries and heartache to Japanese wrestlers and fans. Eventually, he will be run out of the country and will return to America, where, if he's lucky, NWA-TNA will let him sell popcorn in the upper deck.
BRET HART He will return to WWE in a completely non-wrestling role. He will most likely be in a position of power, possibly as an overseer of the two brands. Bret might have one match in the year, but don't expect it until after King of the Ring. And no, he won't win the World Heavyweight Championship.
SHAWN MICHAELS He will start a feud with Chris Jericho over who deserves to lose to Triple H the most. Michaels will obviously win, and go on to lose to Triple H.
TRIPLE H After beating Shawn Michaels, he will make Chris Jericho his personal bitch out of the goodness of his heart, so as to make Jericho not feel so woefully insignificant. He will wrestle 12 matches, going 11-0-1. His one draw will be against Scott Steiner at the Royal Rumble, setting up a squash, I mean match, at WrestleMania.
BROCK LESNAR Brock will capture the WWE Championship twice during the coming year, but will not hold it for very long. He will make an attempt at a heel turn, but it will fail unless he can get a manager, possibly someone to blow the whistle on his opponents.
KURT ANGLE Kurtski will hold the WWE Championship until WrestleMania, losing it to Lesnar. He will then feud with Lesnar, trading the belt back and forth. Expect an unforseen presence to take the belt from both of them sometime around King of the Ring. Kurtski will also be severely punished for losing handily at a Raw Deal tournament late in December.
CHRIS BENOIT He will capture the WWE Championship at some time during the year, but (for a refreshing change of pace) will NOT give it to Vince and walk out for NWA-TNa after offering to job it to anyone. The Rabid Wolverine's title reign will be a rather long one, encompassing at least two of the big 5 Pay-Per-Views.
EDGE Edge will not capture the WWE Championship in 2003, but he will reunite with a former tag team partner to capture the WWE Tag Team Championships. For the benefit of those with flash photography, the reign will be longer than five seconds.
CHRISTIAN See Edge.
LANCE STORM & WILLIAM REGAL Eventually, they will break up after not winning the World Tag Team Championships. This will produce a feud that the majority of the IWC will salivate over, while I use the bathroom, make dinner and generally don't pay attention during their matches.
BOOKER T & GOLDUST Eventually, they will break up after losing the World Tag Team Championships. This will produce a feud that the majority of the IWC will salivate over, while I use the bathroom, make dinner and generally don't pay attention during their matches. Don't get me wrong; I love the Bookerman, I just can't stand Goldust.
EDDIE GUERRERO He and Chavo will start to grow apart, yet be brought together by a mysterious influence. This, however, will only serve to tear them apart. This feud will produce no less than 7 legitimate MOTY candidates, but none of them will win.
TRISH STRATUS After failing to win the Women's Title again, she will finally give in and take a big does of Vitamin C.
CHRIS JERICHO Nice try, Chris. Ms. Stratus's physician will convince her that she needs to drink more fluids, especially orange juice, Unfortunately, OJ gives her hives (for whatever reason), so she is forced to take Vitamin C directly into her veins. That's gotta hurt. Oh, and...um...Jericho will be made to look like a jobber by all who feud with him. He will not turn face, and will not leave Raw, and may well not be sane by year's end.
Well, there you go. My predictions for the coming year. Hopefully, you found them informative. If not, I hope you found them funny at least. I will not recap Raw tonight, but next week is a definite probably. As always, e-mail me (email@example.com) with comments, hate mail, viruses destined to destroy the infrastructure of my computer. Bye now.
Why do I watch? Because every episode has the potential to be the best one ever, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna miss that one after sitting through this shit.