The following post expresses the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He is biased, opinionated and bitter. You have been warned.
Done? Good. You sure? OK, then. With WrestleMania but 130,740 seconds away, 'tis time for me to place my picks on the great register of the Weinerboard, and then to hide myself from the world (not the restaurant) with naught but Cheetos, Lipton Iced Tea and my TV. Then, come Monday, I get to recap Raw and see how long I go this time. Maybe the addition of stats will help me along. Anyway, that's another column for the day after tomorrow. For tomorrow is the granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania!
BROCK LESNAR (Challenger)(Heads) vs. KURT ANGLE (Champion)(Tails)
This is my pick for Match of the Year, if it's as good as I think it will be. Lesnar has to lose sometime, but I don't think that the time is now. Even if Kurt's neck is as fine as he says it is, he should job here and go under the knife Monday. I know it will hurt with him and Edge gone for a year, but it'll hurt more in the long run with Edge back a year from now and Kurt never coming back.
I say: Brock Lesnar Shiny 2002 dime says: Kurt Angle
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
BOOKER T (Challenger)(Heads) vs. TRIPLE H (Champion)(Tails)
In his last two title reigns, Triple H has defeated Ric Flair, Rob Van Dam, Kane, Shawn Michaels and Scott Steiner. The only other person on the Raw roster who's as close to a title reign as Booker T is is Chris Jericho. I'm gonna move quickly on to the next match before I break out laughing.
I say: Booker T Coin says: Triple H
20 YEARS IN THE MAKING-STREET FIGHT
HULK HOGAN (Heads) vs. VINCE McMAHON (Tails)
If Vince wins, Hogan has to retire. I think Hogan's going to retire anyway, or else go into a very limited role just to get his money matches. Hogan vs. Undertaker, Hogan vs. Austin and the rematch of Hogan vs. Lesnar sound pretty good for King of the Bad Blood, SummerSlam and Survivor Series.
I say: Hulk Hogan Coin says: Hulk Hogan
THEY COULDN'T THINK OF A TITLE
THE ROCK (Heads) vs. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (Tails)
Normally, Rock wouldn't go over here, but the big three matches all have faces going over, so that's why he wins this one. Possibly by some nefarious means, Rocky wins and runs away to avoid a rematch.
I say: The Rock Coin says: Stone Cold Steve Austin
CHRIS JERICHO (Heads) vs. SHAWN MICHAELS (Tails)
I don't know if this will be Shawn's last match or not, seeing as how the only money match he has left is Rock. Michaels vs. Hogna would OK, but nothing spectacular. And when I don't expect something spectacular from Shawn Michaels, it's time to hang 'em up. This match should be fabulous, and Jericho should win.
I say: Chris Jericho Coin says: Shawn Michaels
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
CHRIS BENOIT AND RHYNO (Challengers)(Heads, Heads) vs. TEAM ANGLE (Champions)(Heads, Tails) vs. LOS GUERREROS (Challengers)(Tails, Tails)
Viva la razza. They're Los Guerreros. They lie, cheat and steal. If you're not cheating, you're not trying.
I just wrote out the enitre lyrics to Los Guerreros' theme song. You don't think WWE's being a bit stereotypical, are they? Or how about the fact that rhyno's music starts with an actual rhino? Or that Chris Benoit, the Rabid Wolverine, has a t-shirt with a wolf on the back? Team Angle wins because they need crdibility and they're the only ones that make sense.
I say: Team Angle Coin says: Chris Benoit and Rhyno
WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
REY MYSTERIO (Challenger)(Heads) vs. MATT HARDY (Champion)(Tails)
This one should be interesting. Matt's always been seen (by me at least) as a small heavyweight with a couple of flashy top-rope moves. Rey is a cruiserweight in the purest sense of the word, reminding me of the good old days of mid-90's WCW. I hope that a victory here will return the cruiserwieght division to that same glory, but I doubt it.
I say: Rey Mysterio Coin says: Matt Hardy
WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP
TRISH STRATUS (Challenger)(Heads, Heads) vs. VICTORIA (Champion)(Heads, Tails) vs. JAZZ (Challenger)(Tails, Tails)
Last year, Jazz was the champion and Lita was in this match instead of Victoria. Trish should have won then, and she won't win now. Much like last year, I say that Jazz walks out with the strap by pinning Victoria.
I say: Jazz Coin says: Trish Stratus
THE UNDERTAKER AND NATHAN JONES (Heads) vs. A-TRAIN AND THE BIG SHOW (Tails)
Two things can happen here. Either Train and Show win by Jones turning on Taker or Taker and Jones win with Taker pinning the opponent just to go to 12-0 officially. If Backlash is Taker's last PPV (which it shouldn't be), then Jones will turn on him. I'll go with my second pick.
I say: Undertaker and Nathan Jones Coin says: A-Trian and Big Show
That's 9 matches for this 4-hour PPV. It also features a Limp Bizkit concert, an appearance by the Miller Lite catfight girls and John Cena's challenge to any and all comers to rap with him. That's not four hours of show, unless Bizkit does every song they've ever written...twice. So, I think there's still a shot that this match will jerk the curtain for the show proper instead of man-eventing Heat. That way I get these two teams on my stat sheet as well.
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
ROB VAN DAM AND KANE (Challengers)(Heads) vs. CHIEF MORELY AND LANCE STORM (Champions)(Tails)
I don't know what happened to William Regal, and as long as he isn't dead or dying I really don't care. This will be the match to pump the crowd up, much like RVD vs. Regal last year.
I say: Rob Van Dam and Kane Coin says: Rob Van Dam and Kane
There you go. 4 hours, 9 or 10 matches, 3 piss breaks. It should be fun. Until Monday, I'll see you...somewhere else.
The preceding post expressed the opinions of a raving Jerichoholic. He was biased, opinionated and bitter. You were warned.
Rock/Austin will probably go at least 45 min. Hogan/Vince supposedly has 25. Give Brock/Kurt 40. Booker/HHH gets 20 Michaels/Jericho for 20 as well 15 for the Smackdown tag match 10 for the Women 15 for the Undertaker match 10 for the crusiers 20 minutes for the John Cena Rap Challenge, Limp Bizkit, The Catfight, and the National Anthem 15 minutes for video packages
That's 4 hours right there (well, 5 min to spare, but that'd go by pretty fast...)
Satire 03/24/03 (wienerboard.com) <- No kidding, right? Buffy 7.17 gets a 7.87 So...Spike and Wood have Oedipus complexes...riiiiight...
So what if it's not even Christmas yet? For this column, I've decided I'm going to stop ripping off other columnists, and go straight to WWE Magazine. It's time to look into the crystal ball of the future to see what will (and won't)