Excerpt from a screenplay for THE LORD OF THE RINGS by Dr. Seuss
(Scene: Bag End, after Bilbo痴 party)
GANDALF: That Samwise-Sam! That Samwise-Sam! I do not like that Samwise-Sam!
FRODO: Would you like some bread and jam?
GANDALF: I do not want your bread and jam. I知 busy being mad at Sam. He likes to sneak. He likes to spy. I値l grind him up for hobbit pie!
FRODO: Oh, do not grind him up for pie! He is a pretty handy guy. He mows my grass. He paints my gate. He is my friend. We both are straight.
GANDALF: Well, then, I will not grind up Sam! Bring me bread, and bring me jam! We値l talk about another thing. Tell me, do you have the ring?
FRODO: I have the ring. I have it here. But, mercy me! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I fear the ring is very bad, The golden ring that Bilbo had! Tell me, will you take the ring?
GANDALF: I will not take that evil thing!
FRODO: Would you, could you, by the fire? Would you, could you, in the Shire?
GANDALF: I would not, could not, by the fire. I would not, could not, in the Shire.
FRODO: Would you, could you, in a tree? Would you, on the road to Bree? Would you, with an orc or troll? Would you, in a hobbit-hole?
GANDALF: I would not, could not, in a tree. I would not, on the road to Bree. I would not, with an orc or troll. I would not, in a hobbit-hole. I will not take it here or there, I will not take it anywhere! For it is bad. It痴 as you say. You値l have to take that ring away And throw it in the Cracks of Doom!
FRODO: I値l need a friend. But who, or whom?
(Gandalf produces Sam, who has been spying)
SAM: Oh, Master! Master! Sam is here! He値l wash me down with beer, I fear! I do not wish to be a pie!
GANDALF: I will not eat you, little spy! But I will send you far away. You both will go away today. You値l go to Bree. A man is there. The man looks foul. The man feels fair. He値l lead you both, if all goes well, To meet the elves in Rivendell.
SAM: Oh, Master! We will meet the elves! We値l get to meet the elves ourselves And hear them sing their elven songs! We値l hear them bong their elven-gongs And strum their elven loola-lutes! They値l hoot their elven hooty-toots!
GANDALF: I hope you値l hear those loola-lutes And hear the hoots of hooty-toots! But go with care. To be a pie Is better than to meet the Eye! The Eye is mean. The Eye is red. He rules nine Riders. They are dead. They値l try to make you dead, as well. But will they catch you? Time will tell!
FRODO: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! This is a mess! We値l have to fix this mess, I guess. So we will go, just Sam and me. And what will happen? We will see!
Wicca-Mon-Hum-Mal-Neu died in The Gnomish Mines on level 5 [max 11], killed by a sewer rat
Two stories in one and so many comedy angles: mouth to beak resuscitation, a tourist attractin' headless chicken named Mike, the man known as 'don't call me Eugene', the use of the word 'gullet' in an AP story, all in such a short article.