First of all, no Theon to waste precious minutes this episode. Thank goodness! There's only two episodes left after this one.
Arya lifts up a rock in an attempt to crush the Hound in his sleep but the Hound warns her he will let her try. If he lives, he'll chop off both her hands. So she decides not to try it. The Hound tells her he rescued Sansa from being raped and he is going to return Arya to Robb at the wedding of Edmire Tully and the Frey girl.
Tyrion gets some alone time with his bride to be, Sansa, and tells her he will not hurt her. Cercei and Margaery walk down the steps and Cercei tells her the story of how her dad Tywin destroyed an entire family, the 2nd wealthiest family back then, because they wanted to rise up against the Lannister. Then she warns Margaery that if she calls Cercei "sister" again she will have her strangled in her sleep.
The onion knight is in prison learning how to read. Stannis comes in and frees him in the condition that he does not try to kill Melisandre. Davos agrees to it but suggests that Stannis is letting him go so they can stop poor Genry from getting killed.
Melisandre seduces Gendry MJ-style by giving him wine and telling him to lie on her bed. Then she pulls a Sharon Stone and ties his arms up then later his legs. She grabs a box with leeches and puts a couple on his chest and one specifically on his crotch. Yikes. This is to be a demonstration of the King's blood for Davos. Stannis throws the leeches into the fire.
It's now time for Tyrion and Sansa's wedding. Joffrey the dick rushes up to Sansa and tells her because her father is dead, he will walk her down the isle since as King he is the "father" of the realm. Then he promptly removes the steps away from Tyrion at the alter. I guess it's customary for the groom to cloak his bride so she is now under his protection and of course Tyrion can't reach up to Sansa's shoulders. Joffrey and a few of the guests crack up but stops when Tywin gives them stink eye.
At the reception, Tyrion makes a fool of himself being super drunk. Sansa excuses herself and Joffrey goes after her. Loras is throwing a hissy fit after hearing Lady Olenna ponder how everyone is related after Cercei marries Loras and Joffrey marries Margaery. Tywin goes up to Tyrion and reminds him he needs to consummate the marriage and produce a Lannister baby. Joffrey catches up to Sansa and tells her that he'll give her a Lannister baby because his guards will hold her down once Tyrion passes out from being too drunk. Then Joffrey tries to initiate the Bedding ceremony where the guest carries the bride to her bed so she can have sex... oh well, go ahead and take off her clothes, too, she won't be needing them. This makes Tyrion snap, jamming a knife into the table and telling Joffrey he will be sleeping with his future bride with a wooden cock. Tywin does damage control and Tyrion laughs it off as a joke.
Back in the honeymoon suite, Tyrion drinks some more and is ready to do the dead per orders from his father. Realizing that this is really going to happen, Sansa pours herself a drink, too. Tyrion asked her how old she is and Sansa tells him she is 14. Damn! Tyrion changes his mind, he won't sleep with Sansa until she wants him to. Sansa asks what if she never wants him to? Guess Tyrion just made a commitment to celibacy like the Night's Watch. The next morning, Shae comes and "clean" the room, aka checking for bodily fluids in the sheets.
Meanwhile, Daenerys meets up with the 3 leaders of the Second Sons. She vows to pay them more money but they honor their contracts over money. She gets sexually harassed by one of the leaders and it seems like these guys won't join her so they probably will have to fight them instead. Back at the Second Sons headquarters, they make a prostitute give rocks to the 3 leaders, whoever gets the designated rock will have to sneak into Daenerys' camp and murder her... the unsullied will be no challenge without their leader. The guy who looks like Drew McIntyre won that challenge. Daenerys is taking a bath and chatting with Missandei about languages. Of course when she gets comfortable and closes her eyes, Drew McIntyre has a sword at Missandei's throat. He said he wants to help Dany because she is gorgeous. Dany suggests that the other 2 leaders won't agree to it so Drew dumps their severed heads out of a sack.
Finally, Samwell and Gilly find camp. Samwell can't start a fire. They start talking about naming the baby, and Sam suggests his dad Randall was not nice to him. Gilly has never heard of the concept of first names and last names. Gilly went ahead and starts the fire herself then they hear a lot of crows outside. Sam goes to investigate with a torch and sure enough there was a whitewalker. I guess he wants to eat the baby boy. Sam goes after it with a sword but the whitewalker catches his sword and shatters it into a million bits and pieces. The whitewalker slaps Sam away and goes after the baby. Sam remembers that he has a dragonglass dagger and stabs the whitewalker in the back... which seems to freeze the whitewalker and it shatters. Sam and Gilly ran off, didn't even bother to pick up the one weapon that he could use agains the whitewalkers!!
Next episode is on June 2, they will be taking next Sunday off.
You are cordially invited to the nuptials of Sansa Stark of House Stark and Tyrion Lannister of House Lannister.
"Second Sons" is dominated by the wedding of second son of Tywin Lannister, and oh, what a glorious occasion it was. If you like uncomfortable wedding humor, this beats the wedding of Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley by a mile. The star of the wedding was neither the bride nor the groom, but the King. Joffrey was utterly fantastic, thoroughly enjoying himself at one of the best days of his life, watching his misshapen troll of an uncle whom he hates marry his former betrothed, whom he enjoys seeing tortured and also hates. No one at that wedding had a better time than the King, from sniggering at the horror of Sansa being walked down the aisle by Joffrey in place of her dead father ("As father of the realm...") to cruelly stealing the stepladder left at the stage for Tyrion to stand on and laughing at Tyrion try to ceremonially cloak his beanstalk of a bride. Later, Joffrey threatened to rape Sansa and then tried to get the Bedding Ceremony underway so that everyone could watch Tyrion put a Lannister baby inside Sansa. Joffrey Baratheon is the King of weddings.
In Westeros, it isn't bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. In fact, it turns out to be the opposite in this case. Tyrion tried to make Sansa feel a little better about being forced to go through with this, and weathered Shae's dagger eyes, since the whole point of this match made in Lannister heaven is to get Sansa pregnant and quick. Sansa simply cannot get over the fact that A) Tyrion is a Dwarf and B) He's a Lannister, no matter how gentle and kind Tyrion tries to be. But then, he barely comes up to her waist. At their wedding bedchamber their honeymoon goes about as well as their wedding, and Tyrion can't bring himself to do his bride, especially after he and we learn definitively how old Sansa is: 14! The world's tallest 14 year old. She's like a young Brienne the Beauty except she actually brings the Beauty part. Tyrion promises his new wife he won't do her unless she wants him to. "What if I never want you to?" Cold. Catelyn would give her a talking to if she were here. Which reminds me, it doesn't seem like any of the Starks are aware of the happy news of their oldest daughter/sister. That'll be a raven worth seeing them receive. So no baby in Sansa's belly, a petty little rebellion by the drunken little Dwarf towards his domineering father. At least Shae was happy about it.
As Tyrion got himself plastered and Tywin glowered at him while Sansa picked at her food and frowned, the other VIPs at the wedding were also having horrible times. Well, not Lady Olenna, who took some delight in mapping out the labyrinthine and somewhat incestuous sounding ways Margaery, Joffrey, Cercei, Loras, Tyrion, Sansa, and their offspring will all be related to each other. Loras didn't enjoy hearing any of it because none of that new family tree left any branches opening for sword swallowing. And there was simply no talking to Cercei, who was out-shrewing herself. Cercei hated Margaery calling her sister so much, she gave her a history lesson of how the Lannisters massacred House Reyne of Castamere and threatened to have Margaery strangled in her sleep. Loras didn't fare much better when he tried to talk to her but at least no death threat. This wedding set a high bar for the next two or three weddings, Margaery-Joffrey, Cercei-Loras, and Edmure-What's Her Name Frey. But at least one of those is guaran-damn-teed to exceed it by season's end.
The other "Second Sons" were the gang of 2,000 sellsword cutthroats hired by the Yunkai to fight Daenerys called the Second Sons. Daenerys called a meeting with their captains, Mero "The Titan's Bastard, The Guy Who Says "Leftenant", and Dario Naaharis, the Whore Who Hates Whores. Mero was pretty charming, what with asking Daenerys to get naked and show him her cunt. And that was when he was being polite. Daenerys finally unleashed one of her best catchphrases from the books, when she plays innocent and says "I'm just a young girl and know little about the ways of war." But she made the Second Sons an offer they can't refuse: they can fight for her and they'll be rewarded when she takes Westeros, or she'll kill them. The meeting went about as well as could be expected, except for Missendei, who got her ass grabbed more than she'd have liked.
Later, the Second Sons decide to assassinate Daenerys and play the Whore With a Coin game. This might be a Game of Thrones first where there's a ton of nudity but the whore didn't get naked. For the first time since she ended season one by birthing her dragons in the fire, Daenerys got naked again. (But who was counting the episodes? Ahem.) While giving the Kahleesi a bath, Missendei deftly sidestepped Daenerys' poor pronunciation when she speaks Dothraki, which was news to Daenerys. Kahl Drogo always said her Dothraki was perfect. She learned something new about her late husband. Suddenly, the Second Son assassin slipped in with a knife to Missendei's throat and revealed himself to be Dario. Dario also revealed he didn't really want to kill the hottest woman in Essos and instead beheaded his buddies Mero and the Guy Who Says Leftenant. Neither will be particularly missed. Daenerys rises from the tub and makes Dario swear his allegiance to her full frontal and then quickly robed-ness and Dario does what every guy would do. And thus Daenerys has her Second Sons and a new boy toy. The old fogie in love with her won't like this one bit.
Melissandre arrives on Dragonstone with Gendry and Stannis finally meets his bastard nephew. Stannis immediately high tails it to the dungeon where Davos Seaworth is learning how to read and tells him his bastard nephew is here and Melissandre's going to kill him. Also, sorry about your son and all and you're free to go, just don't try to kill Melissandre again, cool? Davos surmises Stannis dropped by not just to free him but to hear someone he trusts who has his head screwed on straight say out loud that Stannis doesn't really want to and shouldn't kill his dead brother's bastard. But Stannis says he saw the future looking into the fire, a great battle in the snow. He saw stuff from Book 6 or 7?! Also, Davos has seen the Red God's magic so who can really say that the Lord of Light isn't the one true god? Frankly, I agree. I'd worship the Lord of Light if I were in Westeros.
Especially since the Lord of Light is super into sending his hot priestesses into kinky sex games. Gendry is understandably suspicious that weeks ago, he was running for his life in the woods, and now a hot kissed by fire (we don't say "ginger' in Westeros) religious lady has him stashed in a castle, is plowing him with wine, gets naked, and mounts him cowgirl. But the fun doesn't last very long at all for poor Gendry as he's tied up in what isn't kinky sex games. Melissandre binds his wrists ankles and sets loose the Lord of Light's special leeches. Leeches on Gendry's dick, man. Stannis and Davos come in to see this fucked up scene but Melissandre is like, hey, more's the merrier to watch. Stannis throws the King's blood-fattened leeches in the fire and counts down the names of his three usurpers: Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, and Joffrey Baratheon.
At the end of the episode, Sam Tarley and Gilly were discussing names for Gilly's baby and came to a mutual agreement not to name him after either of their fathers. Especially not Craster, which seems to be the only male name Gilly, a kind, sheltered simpleton, had ever heard of. She also didn't know the difference between birth names and surnames. So was Craster his first name? She's not Gilly Craster? I guess it doesn't matter. Gilly is defensive about not being as well read as Sam, but neither of them has ever seen a movie, and thus neither could identify how that murder of crows or ravens or whatever seemed a lot like the creepy birds in The Birds. Soon a White Walker was upon them and Sam somehow didn't get himself or Gilly killed. Instead, after the White Walker froze his sword and shattered it, Sam remembered he had Dragonglass and shived the White Walker in the shoulder. Lo and behold, that's all it takes to magically destroy a White Walker. So what does that dummy Sam do? He grabs Gilly and runs - leaving the Dragonglass in the snow. What a maroon!
Finally, there's Arya, now the property of the Hound, and about to bash his head in with a rock before the Hound intimidates her out of that idea. Arya sure hates the Hound, but the Hound rather reasonably explains - in classic Game of Thrones fashion where the worst people on the outset don't seem quite as bad in perspective when you hear them out - that there are far worse people in Westeros than him, like his brother, Cercei, and the King, all of whom he's fleeing. It turns out the Hound isn't taking Arya to King's Landing, he's heading for the Twins, where Arya is surprised to learn her uncle Edmure will marry a Frey in the presence of her brother Robb and her mother Catelyn. Arya smiles for the first time in weeks. I mean, cool, she gets to go to a wedding! Weddings are fun in Westeros.
I recap Game of Thrones for my website and cut and paste it here for The W. I'd been doing the recaps here since the series began but there was a week I saw the episode and recapped it late and Oudom took it upon himself to start the threads.
I'm doing the recaps anyway so I post them here regardless of whether Oudom starts the threads or recaps them or not.
Choose sides if you wish.
(edited by John Orquiola on 20.5.13 1423) "Cody, I mustache you a question." - The Miz
Originally posted by John OrquiolaI recap Game of Thrones for my website and cut and paste it here for The W. I'd been doing the recaps here since the series began but there was a week I saw the episode and recapped it late and Oudom took it upon himself to start the threads.
I'm doing the recaps anyway so I post them here regardless of whether Oudom starts the threads or recaps them or not.
Choose sides if you wish.
(edited by John Orquiola on 20.5.13 1423)
Yeah, I kept waiting for John to post his recaps so I can talk about it and he was late once so I just started doing it. It's fun for me.
Is it just me or does Dario feel like a live action version of Zevran from Dragon Age Origins?
Tyrion may have gotten a better deal than he knows. Sure Sansa is underage now (wait, what is the Age of Consent in King's Landing?) but she will eventually become a woman. She isn't even cynical, jaded, sexually experienced or manipulative like most royal women tend to be in Westeros. In four years Tywin may look like the father of the year to Tyrion. Plus she has less miles on her than prostitute Shae who has been awfully bitchy to the man who bought her freedom from prostitution, puts her up in a castle, and keeps her from certain death each day. Anybody with even a sliver of knowledge in psych will tell you that you never date someone with a traumatic and/or abused sexual history for a long term. I think Tyrion is gonna find out why first hand.
Valor Morghulis is a pretty common phrase around those parts. It simply means 'all men must die' so it seems suitable for mercenaries to use it. Ditto for having coins from Bravos. There is more than one Bravosi sneaking around too, we've already seen plenty of them. I don't think this is Jaqen (he didn't look like him either but that doesn't mean much)
I feel for Arya. She keeps losing her travel companions and they keep getting worse and worse. Her having to be around the Hound won't end well for her I feel.
Joffrey was once again super evil wicked asshole-ish. Gotta love it. The guy is a natural heel that we wanna see get his ass kicked.
And I don't care if her bath scene was a homage or not (then again, she also was naked in season 1) but damn was it nice to look at. She made sure she won the allegiance of Darios. :)
I LOVED the Ryan-Kelli one about office romance. I don't know what it is about those two, but I think they may have quietly become my favorite pairing on the show. B.J. Novak is awesome when doing the silent, stunned "oh shit" look.