(Cribbed from ESPN's Page 2 in Bill Simmons article)
Question: What's the story with Doug Christie?
Did you see that New York Times article about Christie and his wife, the piece that resulted in the Whipped Hall of Fame being quickly changed to the Doug Christie Memorial Hall of Fame? Everyone has that one buddy who constantly makes up lame excuses because his wife or girlfriend won't let him leave the house, but Christie takes it to another level. This is unprecedented stuff. Few things have rendered me speechless over the years, but check out some of these tidbits:
You know when Christie raises his arm, extends his pinky and index fingers and signals into the air? He's actually signalling "I love you" to his wife (Jackie), something that happens 50-60 times a game, even during crunch-time. It's almost like he suffers from a whipped version of Tourette's.
Some direct quotes and excerpts: "With few exceptions, Doug Christie does not look at other women, avoiding dialogue or even direct contact" ... The Christies remarry every year on their anniversary, "not a mere renewal of their wedding vows but an actual wedding -- replete with friends, family cake and a reception" ... Mrs. Christie attends 25-30 of the Kings road games, always riding on the team charter ... "(She) arrives before games with her husband and leaves with him after" ... "She sends him a note in the locker room before every game, taken there by a team attendant. He writes a reply and sends it back" ... "Sometimes on the road, Jackie will ride in a car behind the team bus, talking to Doug until he arrives at the hotel or arena."
(I kept waiting for this part: "When Doug asked if he could attend Mateen Cleaves' bachelor party this season, his wife burned his clothes and set his BMW convertible on fire.")
My favorite part: "When Christie played for the Raptors, his wife once confronted a female fan seeking an autograph and a kiss in Toronto. 'A security guard grabbed her, but I put my hand up and told her to back off really loud,' she said. 'It scared me, because my voice sounded like a demon ... she was touching someone she shouldn't have been.'"
I guess there are three appropriate reactions here:
1. If you had one TV wish, wouldn't it be for the Christies to appear on "Temptation Island." I always write how this-and-that would make for the greatest TV series ever, but realistically, a "Temptation Island" with the Christies ... that would never be topped in the annals of TV history. That's the Comedy Ceiling right there, isn't it? Even my idea for the HBO talk show with Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and an open bar couldn't come close.
2. If you were granted an alternate TV wish, wouldn't it be for an "Osbournes"-style reality-TV show called "The Christies"? Just Doug getting harassed by his wife in episodes entitled "I wasn't looking at her!" and "I told you, that was Peja's fiancee!"
3. From this point forward, doesn't Christie's replica Kings jersey immediately become the best possible way for a group of guys to humiliate one of their emasculated buddies? Let's say you have that one friend who's spending a little too much time with a new girlfriend, and it seems like she's wearing the pants in the family, to the point that your buddy has been blowing you off. BOOM! Everyone chips in five bucks, you purchase the Christie jersey, and you mail it anonymously to him.
By the way, Storm's gimmick includes 1.) telling the audience to shut up, and 2.) occasionally making everyone stand for the Canadian national anthem. You know they don't know what to do with a wrestler when he's making fans stand for a national anthem. It's like waving a white flag and saying, "This guy has no personality -- we give up."
Speaking of Bill Simmons, he has a funny observation in a past column about being shocked to discover that Braves second baseman Marcus Giles was white. "That's an underrated sports moment, when you find out that a guy you thought was one colour is really another. I'm still reeling over Sidney Ponson."
I was born in a manger, like that other guy. You know, he wore a hat?