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Whitebacon
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Since: 12.1.02
From: Fresno, CA

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#1 Posted on
French military victories? (albinoblacksheep.com)


Edit: Go to www.google.com , type in french military victories into the search field, and click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

(edited by Whitebacon on 18.3.03 1403)


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Loukanika








Since: 18.1.03

Since last post: 4219 days
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#2 Posted on
I guess Napoleon never existed.



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redsoxnation
Scrapple








Since: 24.7.02

Since last post: 477 days
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#3 Posted on

    Originally posted by me
    I guess Napoleon never existed.









Napoleon was a Corsican.



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Freeway
Scrapple








Since: 3.1.02
From: Calgary

Since last post: 303 days
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#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.96
But Napoleon was the French Emperor and leading French armies, wasn't he?



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PeterStork
Sujuk








Since: 25.1.02
From: Chicagoland with Hoosiers, or "The Region"

Since last post: 39 days
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#5 Posted on

    Originally posted by me
    I guess Napoleon never existed.


*puts on ABBA*



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Bauerwurst








Since: 31.1.02
From: Fred'burg, VA

Since last post: 3540 days
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#6 Posted on
For the sake of argument, here's what's been circulating at work:

The Complete Military History of France:

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War - Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"






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