The Old West. A bounty hunter walks into the sheriff's office and asks, "Say, you got any outlaws in these here parts?"
The sheriff says, "Well, there's one fella you could look out for. He's real easy to spot. Always wears brown paper pants, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper vest, a brown paper hat, and brown paper boots."
"What's he wanted for?"
A mad scientist was attempting to discover a way to live forever. He couldn't get human subjects to experiment on, so instead he had a couple of dolphins, which he kept in the pool behind his house.
One day, studying his notes, he realized that all he needed to complete his formula was a chemical found in the bodies of seabirds. Grabbing a couple of cages, he ran down to the beach.
While he was out, a lion escaped from a nearby zoo. Fortunately, it was an old and toothless beast, and it merely ambled down the street until it reached the scientist's stoop, where it decided to lie down to rest.
When the scientist returned with his birds, he was so excited at the prospect of success that he just jumped right over the lion and rushed into the house. But before he could do anything, the FBI broke down the door and arrested him.
The charge? Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
"I don't think anyone anticipated the breach of the levees." -- George W. Bush, Good Morning America, September 1, 2005
Bill and Phil are jazz musicians, and they both make a promise that when one of them dies, the other will come back to earth and tell the other what the jazz scene is like in heaven.
Years pass, and finally Bill passes away. Phil, remembering the promise, anxiously awaits a visit from Bill. Days, months, years pass. Nothing.
Finally, one night Phil is awoken by the spectral image of Bill standing at the foot of his bed.
""Finally, my friend," says Bill, "I've come to honor my promise."
Phil shoots awake,"So what's it like? Is it amazing? How is it?"
Oh, you wouldn't believe it," raves Bill, "It's incredible. You've got Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Louis Armstrong, Buddy Rich.... all the greats in an eternal jam session. It's amazing. There's just one problem..."
"Problem!", asks Phil, "That sounds amazing! What could possibly be wrong with this!?!"
"Well," says Bill, "Jesus has this girlfriend who sings...."
A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.
I love the blank look on people's faces when I tell one of those jokes, and it takes a moment to dawn on them that that's the entire joke-- and even longer for them to get the humor.
Here's another one.
A guy walks in the front door of a bar, just trashed out of his mind, drunk as hell. The bartender takes one look at him and says, in his best customer-service voice, "I'm sorry sir, it appears you've had too much to drink, and I'm not allowed to serve you. I'm more than happy to call you a cab, if you'd like."
The drunk gets a little miffed, but walks out without further incident.
A few minutes later, the same drunk walks into the bar via the side door. The bartender recognizes him immediately, and says in a firmer tone of voice (but still being friendly), "I'm sorry, sir, I've already explained to you that I'm not allowed to serve you. You've clearly had a few too many. I can call a taxi for you, have them take you home so you can get sobered up."
The drunk's pretty pissed, muttering under his breath, but he walks out.
A few minutes later, same guy walks into the bar by the rear entrance. The bartender's just about had enough of him. "Look, sir, I've explained to you twice already that I'm not allowed to serve you. Now I can call a cab or I can call the cops, make your choice."
The drunk points an accusatory finger at the bartender, and says angrily, "Just how many bars do you work at, anyway?"
A guy walks into a bar, by which I mean an establishment that serves drinks. He sits on a stool and sees a bowl of nuts. He's about to grab a handful when the nuts say to him "Hello, Pete, you're looking nice today". (The guy's name is Pete.)
He's like WHOA and says: "Excuse me, barkeep, what exactly is the deal with these nuts?"
The bartender tells him "they're complimentary, sir."
A homeless guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick. The bartender, happy it's a simple request, gives the homeless guy the toothpick.
Five minutes later, another homeless guy walks in an asks for a toothpick. The bartender thinks for a minute, then decides to give this second homeless guy a toothpick.
A couple of minutes later, a third homeless guy enters the bar and asks for a straw. The bartender, totally perplexed at this point, asks this homeless guy "What's going on? First those two guys come in and ask me each for a toothpick, now you want a straw?"
The homeless guy replies "well, this drunk chick just puked outside. I got there too late to get the good stuff, though."
Why'd they cancel the leper poker game? Because the dealer threw his hand in.
Why'd they cancel the leper hockey game? Because there was a face off in the corner.
EDIT - EXTRA-SPECIAL GOLF COURSE JOKE:
One day in Massachusetts, a priest wakes up on a beautiful November Sunday morning to find that it's 75 degrees outside and there is not a cloud to be seen in the sky. He looks over at his golf clubs and decides that a day so miraculous should not be passed by, and he returns to bed and calls in the younger priest. He tells the younger priest that he is not feeling well and that HE will have to preside over the day's services. The younger priest offers his respects and excitedly runs off to prepare for his sudden duties, and the older priest grabs his golf clubs and heads out.
After driving 200 miles, the priest settles on a gorgeous golf course where no one can possibly recognize him. He happily strolls up to the first tee box to tackle the difficult first hole, a 445-yard par-4 with a severe double dogleg. He tees up his first ball, and crushes a drive as straight and true as any one he's ever hit.
Unfortunately, the priest cannot seem to find his golf ball anywhere. Disgusted, he takes a drop and chips a ball onto the green, and when he walks up to remove the flagstick for his pending putt, he looks in the hole and finds his original ball. It went in the hole!
Up in heaven, God and St. Peter watch over the scene. St. Peter asks God "why did you allow him to make that incredible hole-in-one? Do You think that is going to send him the right message about lying and skipping out on Mass?"
God replies "well, who is he going to be able to tell about it?"
(edited by JayJayDean on 11.1.06 1617) "You know what you need? Some new quotes in your sig. Yeah, I said it." -- DJFrostyFreeze
A newly married couple are back in their hotel room, about to have sex for the first time. The bride shyly informs her new husband that she's a virgin, and asks him to be gentle.
The groom is very confused. "How can that be? I'm your fourth husband! How did you never have sex in your other marriages?"
"Well," she explains, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Then my second husband was an astronomer, and all he ever wanted to do was look at me. And my third husband was a stamp collector, and... oh, I miss him so much!"
A blonde women was sick of tired of the dumb bolnde jokes so she decides to dye her hair. A couple of days later she's driving in the country she sees a drives by a farmer in a field with sheep. She decides that she wanted a sheep so she goes to up to the farmer and ask for one. The farmer says why not. After she made a decision and about to leave the farmer walks to her and asks if she was really a blonde. Incrediuosly, she asks how did he know that. The farmer says "You took my dog."
A man arrives at work covered in scratches and bite marks, his suit torm, his tie all crooked and his face bruised. Seeing the state he's in, a colleague asks, "What happened? Did you have an accident?"
"No," the guy replies. "I buried my mother-in-law."
"But how did you get all those injuries?"
"She didn't want to get into the coffin."
"At the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe." -- Bruce Springsteen
Don had been married to his wife for 50 years when he passed away. Grief stricken, his wife decided to hold a seance to contact him and say her last goodbye. A group of close friends and a medium came over, where they sat around the dinner table with the lights out and candles everywhere. After a few minutes, a few candles go out by themselves and the table starts to shake. The wife calls out "Don?"
A voice booms back "Yes?"
The wife continues. "Oh Don, is that you, I miss you so much. Are you okay?"
"Oh, honey, I'm great. The skies are so blue and the weather is perfect, there's all the food I can eat, and every day at 2 I make love."
"Don, Heaven sounds wonderful!" the wife exclaims.
"Heaven? Nah, I'm a bull in Montana."
For old ladies are sitting around playing bridge. One says "my son is a general, and when he enters a room, everyone calls him sir."
Another old lady replies "my son is a judge, and when he enters a room, everyone calls him 'your honor'."
The next old lady adds "my son is a Bishop, and when he enters a room, everyone calls him 'your emmenence'."
The fourth old lady sits for a while, then says "my son is 6'11", weighs 400 lbs., and when he enters a room, everyone says 'oh my god'."
(edited by Lexus on 27.9.06 1423) Hold nothing sacred and you'll never be dissapointed. Especially not this statement.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He plays for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.
My dad once told me "Never turn down a piece of ass, because it might be the best piece of ass you ever had" while a 19year old me thought it was brilliant advice, years later I realized how bad that advice was.