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The W - One Question... - Funniest Joke?
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jfkfc
Liverwurst








Since: 9.2.02

Since last post: 106 days
Last activity: 2 days
#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.16
I don't know why this one always stuck in my head and gave me a laugh...

A mom asked her good-natured son to go to the store and get a ham for dinner. He did, and when he returned, he told her, "Here is your Dam Ham, Mom."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY???" she asked.

"That's just the name of the brand, Mom."

When supper was ready, the mom said to the dad, "Dear, put the Dam Ham on the table."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY???" he asked.

"That's just the name of the brand, honey."

During supper, the dad asked his other (not-so-good-natured) son to pass the ham.

"Son, can you please pass me the Dam Ham?"

"That's talkin' pops, now can you pass them f*ckin potatoes?"





"Johnny Damon playing for the Yankees is like peanut butter selling out jelly in favor of mayonnaise." - StingArmy
Promote this thread!
R-Dub
Mettwurst








Since: 25.8.05
From: Michigan

Since last post: 233 days
Last activity: 85 days
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.70
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper say "Really? You have a drink name Frank?"

I know, it's really lame. But somehow, that joke always cracks me up.
Ukrainian Justice
Linguica








Since: 8.4.03
From: Bryn Mawr, PA

Since last post: 2807 days
Last activity: 2659 days
#3 Posted on | Instant Rating: 1.28
It's a toss-up!


Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.



Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
Oliver
Scrapple








Since: 20.6.02
From: #YEG

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 1 day
AIM:  
ICQ:  
Y!:
#4 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.06
Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think they'd have seen it beforehand.



I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn't...then why would I say I am?
SchippeWreck
Banger








Since: 26.3.03
From: Glendale, CA

Since last post: 13 hours
Last activity: 9 hours
#5 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.41
    Originally posted by Oliver
    Two nuns walk into a bar. You'd think they'd have seen it beforehand.

My fave is a modified version of that one.

Three guys walk into a bar.
Don't you think the third one would have ducked?

Runner-up:
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Potato.



My mom says sigs are bad for you.
Stilton
Frankfurter








Since: 7.2.04
From: Canada

Since last post: 3191 days
Last activity: 3191 days
#6 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.91
According to a scientific study, it's....

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Links:
http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/


I'm not sure what my own personal vote would be.



If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever.
--George Orwell
Deacon Jim
Chipolata








Since: 11.12.03
From: Dallas, TX

Since last post: 722 days
Last activity: 2 hours
AIM:  
Y!:
#7 Posted on | Instant Rating: 2.68

As silly as this one is, it always makes me giggle.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?



A: A stick.
rinberg
Boudin rouge








Since: 30.1.02
From: South Georgia

Since last post: 1026 days
Last activity: 1 hour
#8 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.56
This joke requires pre-planning and cohorts. Everybody, except your target, should know what is happening and laugh at the end of the joke.

Tell this joke:

"What's the difference between an apple and an orange?"
(wait for it)
"A shirt, because a vest has no sleeves!"

When everyone else starts laughing, the mark laughs in spite of the fact that it's not funny. The look on their face is what *really* makes it funny. Then they become part of the group when you do it to the next guy.



"The truth is often a terrible weapon of aggression. It is possible to lie, and even to murder with the truth."
ALFRED ADLER
cranlsn
Liverwurst








Since: 18.3.02
From: Sussex, WI

Since last post: 21 days
Last activity: 7 sec.
#9 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.72

Three blondes are walking in the woods when they come upon some tracks.

1st Blonde: Hmmm...those are deer tracks!
2nd Blonde: No, silly those are elk tracks.
3rd Blonde: No, no, no...let me look....

Then the train hit them...
OlFuzzyBastard
Knackwurst








Since: 28.4.02
From: Pittsburgh, PA

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 4 days
AIM:  
#10 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.68
What's brown and sticky?


A stick!


If you don't laugh, you're a communist.



"That's my problem - I'm too frank. That's why my mother shoved me down the stairs. But then she is fat."
Bullitt
Shot in the dark








Since: 11.1.02
From: Houston

Since last post: 4 days
Last activity: 3 days
#11 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.86
A young polar bear comes home from school one day...true story.

The young polar bear says to his Mom "Mom, am I a real polar bear?"

His Mom says "Of course you're a real polar bear; that's a stupid question. Go to your room."

The next day the young polar bear comes home and goes up to his Dad. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

"Of course you're a real polar bear," his Dad answers. "That's a stupid question...go to your room."

This goes on for days, weeks, months...every day he'd come home "Am I a real polar bear? Were your parents polar bears? Am I really a polar bear? Are you sure I'm a pure-bred polar bear?"

His parents finally have enough and sit him down.

"Son," his Mom says, "we're getting concerned. Every day you're asking us if you're a real polar bear. Why do you keep asking this?"

"Cause I'm fucking freezing."



These are my awards, Mother. From Army. The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing.
cfgb
Lap cheong








Since: 2.1.02
From: Ottawa, Ontario

Since last post: 14 hours
Last activity: 12 min.
#12 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.98
Q: What do you get with a baby in the microwave?

A: An erection.
Kevintripod
Boudin blanc








Since: 11.5.03
From: Mount Pleasant, Pa.

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 19 hours
AIM:  
#13 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.69
(Compliments of Monty Python)

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell ?

Awful.



"Oh it's on like Donkey Kong !!!" - Stifler, American Wedding
dMp
Banger








Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 4 hours
#14 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.43
    Originally posted by Kevintripod
    (Compliments of Monty Python)

    My dog has no nose.

    How does he smell ?

    Awful.


If we go that route,
Read at your own risk...

Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.


In general I am not much of a simple joke fan.
Rants or one liners by standup comedians or in tv/movie I love however.



*sigh* Why bother?
Kevintripod
Boudin blanc








Since: 11.5.03
From: Mount Pleasant, Pa.

Since last post: 1 day
Last activity: 19 hours
AIM:  
#15 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.69
    Originally posted by dMp
      Originally posted by Kevintripod
      (Compliments of Monty Python)

      My dog has no nose.

      How does he smell ?

      Awful.


    If we go that route,
    Read at your own risk...

    Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
    Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
    Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.




LOL

At running the risk of endangering everyones lives on this messageboard, any idea what that translates into ? I was always curious what that "killer" joke was.

(edited by CRZ on 6.1.06 0951)

"Oh it's on like Donkey Kong !!!" - Stifler, American Wedding
Bizzle Izzle
Bockwurst








Since: 26.6.02
From: New Jersey, USA

Since last post: 90 days
Last activity: 90 days
#16 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.64

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?


They both circle Uranus wiping out klingons



'But if one is struck by me only a little, that is far different, the stroke is a sharp thing and suddenly lays him lifeless, and that man's wife goes with cheeks torn in lamentation, and his children are fatherless, while he, staining the soil with his red blood, rots away, and there are more birds than women swarming about him.' Diomedes, The Iliad of Homer
rinberg
Boudin rouge








Since: 30.1.02
From: South Georgia

Since last post: 1026 days
Last activity: 1 hour
#17 Posted on | Instant Rating: 4.56
    Originally posted by Kevintripod
      Originally posted by dMp
        Originally posted by Kevintripod
        (Compliments of Monty Python)

        My dog has no nose.

        How does he smell ?

        Awful.


      If we go that route,
      Read at your own risk...

      Spoiler Below: Highlight text to read
      Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
      Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.




    LOL

    At running the risk of endangering everyones lives on this messageboard, any idea what that translates into ? I was always curious what that "killer" joke was.

    (edited by CRZ on 6.1.06 0951)


For those who don't understand, the explanation (and the answer to the translation question) is here.



"The truth is often a terrible weapon of aggression. It is possible to lie, and even to murder with the truth."
ALFRED ADLER
britishiles
Head cheese








Since: 22.7.05
From: Tulsa, OK

Since last post: 34 days
Last activity: 4 days
#18 Posted on | Instant Rating: 3.70
A 5 year old kid walks into the bathroom at home and sees his dad putting on a condom.

"Whatcha doing dad?" says the boy

The dad trying to think fast on his feet says "I am going to go catch a mouse."

The kid says "When you catch him, are you gonna f*ck him?"

I laugh everytime I hear that joke and even snickered while I was typing it.

Here is two more...
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You wanna go ride bikes?

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?!?

(edited by britishiles on 6.1.06 1223)


Big Show: Why is he getting the Intercontinental Title shot and not me?
RVD: Ahhh...maybe 'cause you're a tool.
Big Show: Look. I am 7'2". I am 500 pounds. I'm a giant.
RVD: Oh ok. You're a giant tool.
Matt Tracker
Scrapple








Since: 8.5.03
From: North Carolina

Since last post: 20 hours
Last activity: 1 hour
#19 Posted on | Instant Rating: 6.06
Guy walks into a shrink's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Sometimes I think I'm a wigwam, and sometimes I think I'm a teepee."

The doc says, "well, maybe you're just too tense."



"To be the man, you gotta beat demands." -- The Lovely Mrs. Tracker
waffleking
Pickled pork








Since: 2.10.02
From: Missouri

Since last post: 2836 days
Last activity: 525 days
#20 Posted on | Instant Rating: 5.24
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat at the barstool, and orders a beer. He proceeds to take a turtle and a frog out of his pockets and places them on the bar. The turtle rocks back and forth while the frog sings a beautiful love song.

Everyone in the bar is amazed, and the man next to him offers him a hundred dollars for the frog. He accepts and the man leaves with his new frog. The bartender asks the man, "Why did you sell that frog? You could have made a fortune off of it!"

The man takes a sip of his beer and says, "The turtle is a ventriloquist."



A few facts about Samoa Joe:

1. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Samoa Joe punched himself in the face.
2. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Samoa Joe.
3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Samoa Joe and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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At least I'm not the only one. OTOH, My 30th was only three years ago, so what does that say about my mind?! Probably, the wife and kids probably got me a cake and a couple of cheesy gifts and I went to work as usual.
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