Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
This joke requires pre-planning and cohorts. Everybody, except your target, should know what is happening and laugh at the end of the joke.
Tell this joke:
"What's the difference between an apple and an orange?" (wait for it) "A shirt, because a vest has no sleeves!"
When everyone else starts laughing, the mark laughs in spite of the fact that it's not funny. The look on their face is what *really* makes it funny. Then they become part of the group when you do it to the next guy.
"The truth is often a terrible weapon of aggression. It is possible to lie, and even to murder with the truth." ALFRED ADLER
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out klingons
'But if one is struck by me only a little, that is far different, the stroke is a sharp thing and suddenly lays him lifeless, and that man's wife goes with cheeks torn in lamentation, and his children are fatherless, while he, staining the soil with his red blood, rots away, and there are more birds than women swarming about him.' Diomedes, The Iliad of Homer
A 5 year old kid walks into the bathroom at home and sees his dad putting on a condom.
"Whatcha doing dad?" says the boy
The dad trying to think fast on his feet says "I am going to go catch a mouse."
The kid says "When you catch him, are you gonna f*ck him?"
I laugh everytime I hear that joke and even snickered while I was typing it.
Here is two more... How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb? You wanna go ride bikes?
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change?!?
(edited by britishiles on 6.1.06 1223) Big Show: Why is he getting the Intercontinental Title shot and not me? RVD: Ahhh...maybe 'cause you're a tool. Big Show: Look. I am 7'2". I am 500 pounds. I'm a giant. RVD: Oh ok. You're a giant tool.
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat at the barstool, and orders a beer. He proceeds to take a turtle and a frog out of his pockets and places them on the bar. The turtle rocks back and forth while the frog sings a beautiful love song.
Everyone in the bar is amazed, and the man next to him offers him a hundred dollars for the frog. He accepts and the man leaves with his new frog. The bartender asks the man, "Why did you sell that frog? You could have made a fortune off of it!"
The man takes a sip of his beer and says, "The turtle is a ventriloquist."
A few facts about Samoa Joe:
1. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Samoa Joe punched himself in the face. 2. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Samoa Joe. 3. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Samoa Joe and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
I'm not sure of the best entree I've ever had, but I do know of the best appetizer I've ever had: Pozole (traditional Mexican pork stew) at Zocalo in Brighton, MA. Zocalo is the closest restaurant to my apartment too, which is very very nice.