Last Week: “Dave” Batista “Davidson” advanced past go, but turned down $200 in favor of hanging out on the set of The WWE Experience. After defeating him in a cooking contest, Chris Masters killed Stevie Richards. And Edge accidentally interrupted Shawn Michaels during and interview, who will he interrupt…TONIGHT?!
Shh…You can almost hear Batista think.
Here’s Triple H and he’s dressed for action, and when HHH is dressed for action you know full well that it’s PROMO TIME~!
Triple H: Man, what the hell happened last week? One second I’m revealing my diabolical plans to the whole world, the next I’m laying around and Dave is on his way to hang out with Ivory. Man, I’m in charge of this show, and I need to know these things are going to happen before RAW starts. Stephanie, baby, if you’re listening, look, I know your dad is off the road, and you think that means that you can book the shows minutes in advance, but, look, I’ve gotta say, I find the current booking of me to be…lacking…that’s disturbing, as I’m the fudge that holds this company’s cookies together. But back on the subject of Dave, can I just say, I’m not surprised. Dave’s nothing but a little kid. I mean look at him, in his big boy suit and his clip on tie. Awww…I taught him to fish, I taught him to spell, I bought him a dictionary for his birthday and we played catch. I was like a father to you, Dave. And Naitch, Natich was like your mother. We gave birth to the Dave Davidson character. And how do you thank us? HOW DO YOU THANK US? You make fun of my awesome new beard, you go to the WWE Experience, and this…THIS is the lowest of the low…you catnap my beloved Nibblins. How DARE you? I’m going to beat up some jobber. Send him out here.
The Hurricane gets shoved out.
The Hurricane: What am I doing out here? I’m not a jobber. HHH: Yeah right you’re not. HC: The hell I am. Look at me! I’m the Hurricane. Stand back! HHH: I should have killed you years ago. HC: Yeah, but you didn’t. So now I’m going to kick your ass. HHH: Uh…. HC: Yeah, I know I’m not really going to kick your ass. But let me look tough. HHH: No. HC: Please? HHH: Oh, ok.
PEDIGREE TO HURRICANE~!
HHH: I lied. It’s what I do. Man, thank God I’m me and not somebody else. I’d friggin’ hate to be jobbin’ to me all the time. (ads)
Chris Benoit v. Muhammad Hassan (w/Khosrow Daivari)
Daivari, sadly, is not wearing his awesome suit coat this week, causing me to subtract at least ******* from this match. However, Benoit is in this match, so I’ve got to add at least ************, because of what is known amongst my colleagues on the Internet as the OMG BENOIT~! Effect. Unfortunately the Hassan effect causes the crowd to chant “USA” because Benoit is from…Georgia. Right? You knew that. The finish comes when Hassan forgets to nail Benoit with the ring bell causing an uncomfortable silence for about five minutes while everybody just kicks at the mat and looks ashamed before Hassan is DQed for screwing up. BENOIT WINS~!
Inducted into the Hall of Fame this year: Hulk Hogan. And you know somethin’, brother, the Hulkster needs to get on TV, dudes. So whatchu gonna do? I’m warning you now, though, that he’s going to get a massive standing ovation, and they’re going to hire him back, and he’s going to go over Benoit and he’s going to go over Jericho, and he’s going to win the World Title. It’s going to happen. I have foreseen it.
Dave has arrived and he’s intercepted by Jonathan Coachman.
Jonathan Coachman: Hey, it’s the Coach and I’m here with Batista, and Batista I thought you were on the WWE Experience? “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Their catering SUCKS! JC: So you’re back on RAW? DBD: Eric Bischoff called ME! He had me at JELLO! JC: Did you hear what HHH said about you? That you kidnapped Nibblins? DBD: I did no such THING! Lies and PROPAGANDA! JC: He also said you wear a clip-on tie. DBD: I’m gonna kill that GUY!
Dave unclips his tie and storms off. Meanwhile, in the Evolution locker room, Flair looks forlorn.
Triple H: Why are you looking forlorn, Naitch? Ric Flair: Our door says “Evolution” but our babies have moved out. Randy’s joined a frat where he gets drunk and hits on underage girls and occasionally meets up with his Jesus freak friend Shawn, who looks way too old to be hanging out with college kids, at the the gym. Then, you have our big boy Dave who’s gone on to be one of the leaders of his industry. It’s *sniff* I WANT TO HAVE MORE STABLE MEMBERS! HHH: Naitch…Naiheheaiiitch…I just don’t know, man. We’re getting a little old. I was planning on moving on to more singles work. You know? Build a nice little niche for us in the main event? RF: Maybe you’re right…sigh. HHH: We’ll think about it. In any event, I sense the presence of Dave. I must go to meet him. RF: Wait! The son of HHH must not be allowed to be come a World Champion! HHH: If he could be turned…again…he would be a powerful ally…uh…again. RF: Yes. WOO! Yes! Can it be done? Again? HHH: He will join us or be Pedigreed, Naitch. RF: WOO! Then I’ll take his old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO!
Stone Cold Steve Austin will be at Wrestlemania. Piper will try to talk to him, and Austin will “What?” Piper right back to TNA. So some good will come out of it.
Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters v. Anorexic Nunzio Beef Wellington Battle
Masters almost falls over during his entrance. Orton almost wins! Damn. They play video from last week of Masters breaking Stevie Richard’s face, because whenever you want your new guy to prove that he can injure somebody, you send out Stevie Richards. Anorexic Nunzio doesn’t look well at all. Somebody’s gotta show this guy an after school special. What the hell ever happened to after school specials? They’ve been showing the same ones in high school health classes now for 10 years. I guess they’re called “Lifetime Movies” now. Masters makes Beef Wellington, Beef Wellington ala mode and Beef Wellington roast. Anorexic Nunzio wouldn’t even go up to the podium, and then he threw up. Masters wins!
The Rock is at the premier of his new movie, “Be Cool”. He sees the WWE mic and turns his head and bolts down the media line.
Jim Ross is in the ring with Dave.
Jim Ross: Dave, I have to ask you about the biggest story in the wrestling industry today, the Matt Hardy/Lita breakup. How do you think this will affect the Kane/Lita storyline. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Matt Hardy is still a WRESTLER? JR: Uh-huh. Good point. And Wrestlemania? Your match with HHH? DBD: HHH is the best wrestler in the BUSINESS! I cannot deny that because it says in my contract that I have to say IT! But I think I can beat him because the face almost always goes over at WRESTLEMANIA! JR: Indeed. You don’t say? What kind of match do you think you guys will have? DBD: Are you even LISTENING? JR: To be honest, I find your suit to be a little distracting. That thing is, like, three sizes too big for you. DBD: I stole this from Big SHOW! JR: Here comes HHH! DBD: Don’t hate the player, hate the GAME!
HHH storms out, and tells Flair to attack. Dave catches Ric and nails the OSPREY BOMB TO FLAIR~! which causes Ric’s dentures to fly into the crowd. Somebody is going to make a killing on eBay. Not literally though. Dave pulls off his shirt. HHH decides, then, that it’s best not to mess with somebody whose hormones are running so far out of check, so he runs back to the back, while Dave hits the OSPREYBOMB TO HIS SHIRT~! Dave gives him a thumbs down and says that was his real review of Blade: Trinity. HHH freaks out.
HHH is in the Bischoffice….
Triple H: We really need to start the push towards Wrestlemania. Eric Bischoff: Well, what do you want? HHH: Flair v. Batista? EB: I guess that kind of sets up your match with Dave. HHH: No, no, no. Set up a Flair/Batista match for Mania. EB: You’re wrestling him. HHH: I am NOT jobbing to anybody named “Dave”. No way. Fit Finlay: No even me? HHH: No. Did you think you even had a chance? FF: Aye. I guess I did. Sigh. EB: I’ll see what I can do about your crappy booking.
Chris Jericho v. Maven
Maven is thrilled that somebody finally remembered that he was almost getting a push at one point. Jericho is thrilled that they’ve finally found two people in a row that he can actually beat. Maven attempts a dropkick, but somehow manages to miss Jericho completely and take out Lillian Garcia. Maven is so distraught, he hardly recognizes when he taps out to the Walls of Jericho. After the match, Chris gets on the mic and whines about never getting pushed, saying that he and a bunch of other guys who have nothing better to do should get together and have a ladder match with a brand new used couch hanging above the ring as the grand prize. Man, I could use a couch. Maybe I should get in that.
Christie Hemme skips merrily through the glade.
Christie is out, and she unveils the cover of Playboy Magazine. Look! She’s on the cover, despite limited celebrity appeal. SHOCKING SWERVE~! Combine this with Paris Hilton being on the cover of the last one despite also not being naked (in the magazine at least) and then threatening lawsuit because she wanted nothing to do with it, and it makes me wonder if Vince Russo is running things down at the Playboy Mansion.
Vince Russo: No, no, seriously, Hef, I’ve got this great idea! Naked Midgets Magazine! No? How about…a 7 page pictorial on Ed Ferrera! Hahahahahah…That’s gonna be AWESOME! No, no! Wait! Even better, I’ll tell you what’s gonna get ovah! 300 pages of articles book ended by two pictures of naked women. AWESOME!! Hello? Hef? Hello? I still haven’t told you about my plans to write a column about how much Husslah sucks under the name “Vic Venom” or how I’m going to do a centerfold on me. Hello? What about the shocking swerve where I start writing for the Christian Science Monitah? That’s gonna KILL in Texas…Damn. He musta went through a tunnel.
Trish Stratus bounces on out and says that while Christie looks ok on the cover of Playboy, it’s really missing something. More Kane? Then Trish crosses out “WWE Champion” and writes “Out of Work Model Desperate for Cash Decides to Try Out for Crappy WWE Segments and then Gets Naked a Winner is YOU!” Wow, that was a tight fit. Christie takes offense to Trish calling her naked (those crotch shots are TASTEFULLY DONE!) so she attacks, but unfortunately she doesn’t actually hit Trish until several minutes AFTER she attacks, allowing ample time for Trish to knock her over. Trish delicately scrawls “nWo (New World Order)” on Christie’s back and part of her left arm and does Scott Hall’s “Me Me Me Me Me Me ME” dance before she leaves to the Wolfpack music. Trish’s penmanship is WAY better than Hogan’s.
These Wrestlemania ads are AMAZING!
John Cena: Did you order Funaki to die? John Bradshaw “Leyfeild”: That depends on your definition of what “Funaki” is. Cena: The little cruiserweight? The Japanese guy with the oh so funny accent! Did you order him to DIE! JBL: That’s a slippery question, you see… Cena: Just answer the Question! Jonathan Coachman: Jonathan Coachman here, in this commercial. Hey, aren’t you guys from Smackdown? What the hell? We couldn’t get Judge Jeff Jones to make an appearance? Man, that ECW PPV is gonna SUCK! JBL: You want the truth? Cena: Kinda? JBL: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Cena: YOU CAN’T SEE ME! JC: Order in the court! William Regal: I’d like Fish and Chips, please! Theodore Long: We find the defendant guilty of ordering Funaki’s death, playa, buhleedat! We also find the prosecutor incapable of cutting a decent promo anymore. Booker T: Now can you dig that…SUCKA! D-Von: Testify! Cena: Ah, a Jury of my peers! JC: Jonathan Coachman here with John Cena, and John do you have anything to say for yourself? Cena: Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo YO! JC: This is the Coach…. Cena: YO! JC: Signing off. Cena: YO!
Superstar Billy Graham is backstage with Josh Matthews and Intergalactic Space Hussy and Noted Disneyland Ride, Stacy Keibler….
Intergalactic Space Hussy and Two Timing Bimbo Stacy Keibler: Scott? Is that you? Man, I thought they fired you after you and Test and I broke up because you kept jobbing to Matt. Wow, what the hell happened to you? You look terrible. Superstar Billy Graham: I’m not Scott Steiner, sweetheart. Josh Matthews: Then you’re that televangelist, right? SSBG: No, no. I’m Superstar Billy Graham! Come on! I’m one of the all time greats! IGSHTTBSK: Then it seems to me that you should be in the Hall of Fame! SSBG: I AM! The inducted me last year! JM: Sounds like some cranky Cathy woke up on the wrong side of the respirator this morning…. IGSHTTBSK: Oh, was it the Pope? JM: No you see…. SSBG: Goddammit, I KNEW I shouldn’t have done this favor for McMahon’s stupid daughter. I’m a Legend for Pete’s sake.
IGSHTTBSK: Uh-oh. SSBG: What? Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? Sean Cold Val Venis: What? JM: You should never have said that. Whatever you do! Don’t say it two more times? SSBG: What? Pete? IGSHTTBSK: No, the other one. SSBG: Legend?
JM: Stacy, let’s get out of here. IGSHTTBSK: I can show you how to knit! JM: Oh, fun! SSBG: Come back here right now, there’s a lot you can learn from a legend.
Randy Orton: You rang? SSBG: Who the hell are you? RO: I’m Randy Orton. I heard somebody talking about legends so I just HAD to be in this segment. SSBG: Well, I’M a legend. RO: Is that so?
Randy kicks Billy Graham in the knee and Billy falls over. Orton poses.
RO: Man, I’ve STILL got it. Now, how will I make an impact on Wrestlemania…Oh…I’ve got it!
Orton pulls out a copy of Smackdown Magazine and stares at it. Undertaker stares back from the cover.
Voice of the Undertaker: Oh, hells no!
Oh, hells no what? He’s going to go over Hnnrnnr? He’s going to team with Kane? Oh…I get it…He’s going to learn to read! Woah! Look out World! Meanwhile, Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with Edge.
Maria Tennyson Lund: Hi, Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m with Edge. And Edge, I’ve gotta ask, why are you here squatting in this corner? Edge: Who are you anyway? What have you done with my pal Todd? He understood. He really understood me, you got that? You are nothing but an insignificant worm in the apple of reality. Todd was like the sticker. Something to save. Something to collect. MTL: Hi, Maria Tennyso…. EG: Oh, save it. You people don’t know me. You think you know me, but you will never know me. You’re all just puppets. Slaves to McMahon’s corporate ideologies which state that just because I’m not “over” or because I “can’t seem to cut a promo anymore” that I shouldn’t be pushed. You’re not all that. No, no. I’M all that. And a bag of chips! And soon, I will win the World Title, and then I will dominate thirty minutes of the show talking about how much I hate life. Then what will you do? Huh? What will you do then?! Quoth The Edge: Nevermore!
Edge stands up to do the crucifix pose, but trips over some clangy poles.
MTL: This is Maria Tennyson Lund, signing off. EG: I hate you.
Edge v. Shawn Michaels In A Come As You Are/As You Were Street Fight
Edge comes doused in mud and soaked in bleach. That‘s a good look for him. I‘m impressed. Shawn Michaels opts to come “as he was” in a Rockers outfit with more hair. Shawn sprints to the ring, so there will be no prancing tonight…ok a little prancing. But not so much as to affect Shawn’s punching. Edge crowns Shawn with a crown of thorns and then nails him with a kendo stick while Paul Heyman screams, “That’s MY IDEA! YOU STOLE THAT FROM ME!” from his parent’s basement. Shawn gets a .8 from the Muta judge. Shawn attempts to dive out of the ring, but nails the middle rope and collapses. Judge Jeff Jones gives him an MA for “Mike Awesome Level Action”. Shawn pulls out a ladder and Jericho screams, “That’s MY IDEA! YOU STOLE THAT FROM ME!” before he’s pushed from behind by Bret Hart who complains that everybody is STILL trying to screw him after all these years.
While Edge is fashioning himself Ultimate Warrior makeup out of Shawn’s blood, Security beats the crap out of some kid holding a “This Sign Made It Past Security” sign. Shawn whacks Edge with a chair, but Edge is already bloody from Shawn’s blood so he feels no need to blade. They go back and forth like this for a few minutes before Shawn passes out. Suddenly, Jesus (the Savior not the Wrestler) prances down to the ring, he eats a spear, but on the third count he kips up, nails a super kick, poses for all his adoring fans, and pulls Shawn over. 1...2...3! Michaels wins! After the match, Some Dude with a sign reading “PEDIGREE TO DAVE~!” runs out from the crowd and hits HBK with a suplex. That’s not just any Some Dude, that’s Kurt Angle! Angle beats on Shawn for a while as Jesus is running his hands contemplatively through his hair on the ramp. He eventually says, “Screw it, I’ve saved your ass enough times already Michaels, I want my talent back!” Weakened and defenseless, Shawn can only look helplessly on as the closing shot is of Angle standing next to a Lisa Bonet impersonator in the crowd, and as Angle steals all his spotlight.
Next Week: Shawn haggles with Jesus to get his talent back, no, a Mirror Vest would not make the Lenten season more festive. Dave, confused as to why he was not in the main event of this show, accidentally shows up an hour early fearing he’s been demoted to Heat. Chris Jericho announces the other five contestants in his ladder match: Max Mini, Tazz, Dink, Pepe the Hobby Horse, and Zach Gowen. It is still the best put together match thus far.
Until then read my other column!
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way