I have been polite. I have bitten my tongue. I have not said what I really thought. But then I found out that Llakor had scored an interview with IWS champion Dru Onyx just days before Born to Bleed and the climatic showdown between Onyx and the Arsenal.
As some of you may know, I am the roommate of Llakor, the guy who writes the IWS recaps and press releases. And I like the guy, but I knew exactly what kind of interview that he would do. One of these fawning interviews where you pretend that the wrestler is shooting, while he sits there and lies and lies and lies...
Has everyone forgotten Stu Saks? Has everyone forgotten Bobby Heenan for Christís sake? There are times where someone has to stand up and say the unpleasant truths. In the Eighties, no one wanted to listen to the Brain when he proclaimed that Hulkamania was a fraud designed to boost the ego of a monster. I ask you: Was Bobby Heenan wrong?
Now everyone is going around talking about what a great champion Dru Onyx is. How he has upheld the belt with honour. Blah. Blah. Blah. Are we all forgetting that the man is a brutal gang-banging thug with a gun fetish? If there was going to be an interview with this... this... this CRIMINAL, it had damn well better be by someone who is not fooled by Onyxís slick PR. Stu Saks and Bobby Heenan not being available, I would have to find some suitable substitute. It was an exhausting search, but in the end I was forced to conclude that it was the kind of job that I could only trust to myself.
So, when I saw that Llakor had arranged an interview with IWS champion Dru Onyx, I seized the day and took my chance. A little judicious editing sent Llakor to 45 9th Street, St-Catherineís, Ontario for the interview while I headed for Assaleh Jewelry on 459 St. Catherine Street West. I arrived to find Onyx already in a deep discussion with the shop owner about adding a pendant to his chain.
(In passing, I donít want to be judgemental or anything, but I feel compelled to point out that it seemed a little silly to me that Onyx was buying MORE jewelry when he was already wearing the entire inventory of Assaleh Jewelry around his neck.)
I introduced myself to Onyx and explained that Llakor had been unavoidably detained resorting his lint collection alphabetically. Naturally, Onyx was thrilled that the interview would be conducted by a real wrestling journalist rather than a pathetic shill like Llakor.
Onyx: Ozzy. Ozzy. C'mon boy, let's play!
OZ: We're just days away from Born to Bleed. You have to face the Arsenal, the only man ever to pin you in the IWS. Are you here to replace the gold that you will surely lose on Saturday?
Onyx: No, you jerk, and if you keep up with those funny questions see if I donít rip out some of your gold fillings in your grill and make my self a pinkie ring
OZ: It's all enamel, baby!
Onyx (pointing to the front door): You should leave it open. You might want to run back out soon enough.
OZ: According to Iron Mike Patterson, Arsenal is in the best shape of his life...
Onyx: What? Arsenal in the best shape of his life? What... he's pushing 130 lbs.?
OZ: ...and the Evil Ninja has been acting as the Arsenalís sparring partner getting him ready to defeat you. Doesn't that worry you?
Onyx: If youíre gonna believe Patterson, that washed up actor/wino I got some land to sell you in East Harlem.
OZ: You don't look much like a real estate agent. Well, let's step things down a bit. In your first appearance in the IWS, you criminally assaulted Beef Wellington and Kid Kamikaze while they were putting on a wrestling clinic. Have you no shame?
Onyx: No. Nada. Nope. And I merely greeted them to the IWS, and they were better off for it. Besides, assault is a harsh word. Assist them sounds better. Plus the crowd was begging for some hardcore antics.
OZ: The following month, in your very first match with the IWS, Beef Wellington came within a heartbeat of pinning you in the middle of the ring. How do you remember that close call?
Onyx: Excuse me? It wasn't me, it was Beefís partner Kid Kamikaze that went thru a table courtesy of Beef. Get your facts right. Iím a stickler for accuracy. Beef had a better chance of getting an autographed picture of Michael Bolton with hair then of pinning me.
OZ: Since that match, Beef has added the devastating ass-punch to his offensive repertoire, a move that you have never had a chance to, well, face. Wouldn't Beef be able to pin you easily now and walk off with the title?
Onyx: Ozzy... If you are gonna continue this interview, than I would suggest you put down whatever youíre drinking in that paper bag. Cause it's fucking with your head.
(It was chocolate milk. I SWEAR.)
Onyx: As far as that ass-punch goes. Itís the dumbest thing I ever saw... next question.
OZ: Moving on to Tournament of the Icons. You lost your first round match against the Arsenal. Doesn't this loss haunt you?
Onyx: Arsenal never pinned me. If you look closely my shoulder was up.
Onyx: I'll show you a right, and a left. Even with his girlfriend the Motivator of Madness interfering, looking for a real man to date, they still couldn't do it.
OZ: You then had to fight the Arsenal and Sexxxy Eddy in a three way dance. How do you prepare to wrestle the two best wrestlers in Quebec?
Onyx: I agree Sexxxy Eddy is a top performer, and what I did to prepare was simple. I studied his tapes. The fact Eddy hadn't had a chance to really study me was an advantage. Being new to the IWS was an advantage. As soon as I trounce Arsenal next week I'm gonna give Sexxxy Eddy a shot September 20th at UnFUCKINGSanctioned. Eddy never had his rematch after he lost the title last year. So I'm gonna be a man and present one to him.
OZ: I will have to grudgingly admit that you did display a rather innovative submission hold...
Onyx: The submission called the Gang Bang!!!
OZ: ...Applying a Lion Tamer to one man while you putting the other in a Boston Crab. Yet both men refused to tap. Could you comment on the Arsenal's incredible courage in that painful move?
Onyx: Yes, his courage's name is M.o.M, the Motivator of Madness.
OZ: Pinning Eddy in that three way dance made you the Number One Contender. You were on a hell of a ride for an IWS rookie...
Onyx: That's not gonna stop anytime soon. What do you think of this chain?
OZ: It's a little flashy innit?
Onyx: Champs have to profile.
OZ: At UnFUCKINGSanctioned last year, you were scheduled to compete in Fans Bring the Weapons, but you pulled out at the last minute leaving your partner PCP Manny outnumbered. Aren't you the one responsible for the beating that he took?
Onyx: Pulled out? You might want to rephrase that question, punk.
(It is about this point in the interview where in order to protect my journalistic integrity, I found myself behind the counter out of Onyxís reach.)
OZ: Well, how would you describe it?
Onyx: I got jumped by Steve Royds and the Green Phantom and was told by the Commissioner that I couldn't continue, due to the injury to my shoulder. I don't punk out. Nor do I dodge anybody.
OZ: Wasn't it your idea to ask Lobo to fill in?
Onyx: Yes, why?
OZ: That didn't turn out so well did it?
Onyx: Your point...
OZ: Didn't Lobo turn on your running buddy Manny and leave him bleeding in the ring?
Onyx: Hey, you never can really dictate another man's actions. I thought he was a decent human being, but alas the evil in man is buried.
OZ: So, now we turn to your by now legendary battle with Green Phantom at Blood, Sweat and Beers, where you battled from one end of Le Skratch to the other. What are your recollections of that match?
Onyx: Brutal, hell bent on revenge. Not wanting to pass out due to blood loss and pain.
OZ: What did the Green Phantom ever do to you?
Onyx: Are you fucking serious? The man has jumped me on numerous occasion, attacked me with weapons, he even was behind me being kidnapped.
OZ: I'm sure those were just ribs. You know, hazing the new guy. In retrospect, didn't you overreact just a tad?
Onyx: How? Pray tell.
OZ: Dude, you power bombed him through a pane of glass.
Onyx: The kids used to call me Mr. Glass. It was either me or him. In fact, the cunt brought the pane out to use on me. You hold the gun, you might have to bite the bullet.
OZ: One thing that Blood Sweat and Beers made clear is that your violent anger could not be contained in the ring. Are you incapable of following the rules?
Onyx: The ones I make, listen the the federationís name is the Internet Wrestling Syndicate, and in a syndicate the mob rules, and I'm just following the rules of the land. See a chair, use it. See tacks, use them. Tables, same fucking thing. Light tubes? Cameras, action, it's fucking Hollywood.
OZ: Clearly, Commissioner Joseph FitzMorris disagrees. In fact, as a result of your disrespect for the rules at Blood, Sweat and Beers, he DQed you. Didn't your failure to toe the line, cost you the IWS title on that occasion?
Onyx: No, he never put the IWS title on the line, only my weight belt. Sneaky bitch.
OZ: You had a rather infamous run-in with the Angry Aryans at Payback's a Bitch. Any comments on the Aryans?
Onyx: Yeah, I love eating crakas.
OZ: Werenít they just exercising their constitutionally protected right to free speech when you jumped them in an ambush?
Onyx: Right to free speech? What about the freedom to kick some racist tail?
OZ: I don't think that's in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
Onyx: They issued a challenge and I accepted. Plus, all it did was improve racial relations. Ozzy, can't we all get along?
OZ: Since that time, the Aryans have changed their names to Le Syndicat de Lutte Internet. How do you feel about them today?
Onyx: As long as they don't interfere with my plans I don't care.
OZ: At Season's Beatings, you faced Steve Royds, who did the impossible and power bombed you. Weren't you awed by Steve's impressive strength?
Onyx: I was more impressed with the fact that I'm still walking.
OZ: So you agree that you were lucky to escape with a win against Royds?
Onyx: I will say this, I won't use my old tactics of bulling others with power especially if they can return the payload, If I would wrestle him again, it would be on the mat, a lot of arm bar submissions to neutralize his upper body strength, he hasnít been wrestling for long and he takes sunbathing sabbaticals so the advantage would be mine.
OZ: One month later, at Violent Valentines, you faced the combined forces of the Green Phantom and Steve Royds with El Generico as your partner. Things looked hopeless didn't they?
Onyx: No. Why? When you shit disturb chunky style, do you use a fork or a spoon?
OZ: Spoon I guess?
(Itís roughly around this point where pursuing Onyx to ask the tough questions, I ended up back around the front of the counter, while Onyx was stuck behind the counter. I was out of the reach of his massive arms, but he was not out of the reach of my probing enquiry.)
OZ: You're saying that when you were handcuffed to the ropes, leaving El Generico to fight alone, that you didn't feel despair?
Onyx: No, you let despair grow within you, you die quicker. I knew the kid was tough enough to deal with those goons till I got out of the cuffs. Which I did.
OZ: El Generico, with help from your buddy Manny, got the pin against Steve Royds giving you your rematch against Phantom for the title. Don't you owe your shiny gold belt to El Generico and Manny?
Onyx: No, I earned it when I finally had to. Out of respect, I gave the Mexican cruiser weight a shot at my heavyweight title.
OZ: At the end of that match, you went to the back leaving Manny to face Green Phantom alone. Phantom put Manny through 50 light tubes cutting his back to shreds, and giving Manny a swollen spleen, a punctured pancreas, a lacerated liver and a concussed colon. Didn't that bother you?
Onyx: I bought Manny a case of 24 and some clean drawers. I never told him to interfere in my matches. When youíre on the front line it's to each his own.
OZ: Isn't that the second time that Manny has taken a beating for you?
Onyx: Did I ever tell him to take one for the team? No. Cause weíre not a team. I just felt sorry for the druggie. I guess you can say it was drug dealerís compassion.
OZ: Do you actually have a heart? Or did you have it removed and replaced with something made of cubic zirconium?
Onyx: Listen, I realize in this game to survive on the top you gotta stomp on the hands of others trying to climb up. Am I heartless??? No, I just know how to be a winner. I've always been a winner. I'm keeping this belt for a long time. I've earned it and I paid the unholy price of blood, sweat and tears.
OZ: OK, let's turn to your title defences. Quickly, tell me what you think of the men you have faced off against, starting with El Generico.
Onyx: A star in the making, talented, will be great with age and experience. He just needs a green card.
Onyx: Personally, my greatest title defence, I had bronchitis and severe whiplash from a car accident that afternoon, and went to war with the best wrestler pound for pound in Quebec, and we went for 29 minutes and 45 seconds, just fifteen seconds left in a thirty minute match.
OZ: The man who has come closest to beating you, Evil Ninja?
Onyx: Well, if if he wasn't a zombie, just following that nut case Patterson, he might have been the champ. You gotta take the opportunities given to you.
OZ: Last month, you faced your biggest challenge, Sunny War Cloud.
Onyx: A tough vet, left me with a concussion from one of his punches, he was talking shit about the IWS and itsí champ, but I rectified the situation, and I hear that he will recover about 80% of the hearing in his left ear.
OZ: Some respected wrestling writers have criticized you for failing to show proper respect to a wrestling legend. How do you respond?
Onyx: Tell them to voice any concerns or complaints with me in the ring. Sunny was talking shit and as far as I'm concerned I haven't received my fifteen minutes of fame yet, so I really don't care any more about how others view my actions. I'm the one that has to deal with my actions when I lay my head to bed. So fuck Ďem.
OZ: Actually, it may just have been me saying that.
Onyx: Have you ever taken a punch?
OZ (ducking): Not yet. This Saturday, you are facing the only man ever to beat you in the IWS, the Arsenal.
OZ: The Evil Ninja, who knows how to beat you, has been sparring with the Arsenal all month to get him ready.
Onyx: Thatís okay, I know how to beat the Ninja. So all the Ninja's doing is teaching Frodo, the Hardcore Hobbit, all his bad Ninja habits.
OZ: What have you been doing to get ready for this match?
Onyx: I Have been going to school yards and watching the bullies terrorize their peers. I've also bulked up, I'm at 345 lbs. The Arsenal's not beating me.
OZ: A respected wrestling journalist has said of this match and I quote, "Arsenal has been fighting a psychological war against Onyx all Summer. A war of nerves that Onyx has lost. The Arsenal has Onyx beaten before he even steps in the ring." Any comments?
Onyx: Tell that journalist to show up next week and I'll make him eat his words along with whatever's left of the Arsenal.
OZ: Oh, I'll be there.
(Somewhere around here, I ended up standing in the doorway of Assaleh Jewelry, ready to charge in any direction... except towards the centre of the store where Onyx was standing.)
Onyx: Ozzy, you got a credit card?
OZ: No, Visa has an issue giving one to a figment of someone else's imagination. Not sure why.
Onyx: I see. Fruitcake.
OZ: You say you have bulked up. What is your training regimen?
Onyx: At the gym in the evening for two hours, and sparring with submission grapplers for an hour, and then boxing for the last hour.
OZ: RRRRRIGHT. Lift bucket of KFC. Do 20 curls with a chicken leg. Eat chicken leg. Repeat?
Onyx: Ha. Ha. Ha. This is where for my last trick I will show you how to die slow. Come here.
OZ: RRRRRIGHT. Any last comments before I flee for my life?
Onyx: Yeah, people make sure you do not miss this event, it will be off the hook.
OZ: To coin a phrase. "Feets, don't fail me now."
As you can see, Dru Onyx is a man living in denial. A man whose world will come crashing down on him this Saturday, when the Arsenal beats him for the IWS title.
Can I tell you a secret? I have looked deep into Onyxís eyes. (Well, not THAT deep. Someone should tell the man about Tic-Tacs, because DAMN!) They say that the eyes are the portal to the soul, and I have looked into Onyxís soul and you know what I saw reflected there? FEAR. Fear of the Arsenal. Fear of the one man that Onyx knows that can beat him.
Yes, I looked into Onyxís eyes and I saw FEAR. Either that... or I guess it could have been hunger... or maybe he just got new contacts or something.
If Onyx is a Teddy Bear than he's the kind of Teddy Bear that other Teddy Bears cross the street to avoid.
OH and now that damn song is stuck in my head. Thatks a LOT!
"If you go down to the hood today, you're in for a big surprise... If you go down to the hood today, you better be in disguise... Because today's the day if ever they would Today's the day if ever they could Today's the day the Teddy Bears have their..."
Yay! Go Team Charisma! "RVD: Next stop, Atlantis!" Funniest quote of the night. When Rob mentioned an adventure, I immediately thought of them ending up in the Amish country, and Lance getting left behind because he fits in so well.