OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the biggest newz is that WrestleMania 25, the twenty fourth anniversary of WrestleMania (I feel sorry for great men like JR and Michael Cole being forced to act dumb and say it was the 25th anniversary!) took place on ppv and I watched it! Obviously like every year (except that year some football guy was in the main event) this is the BIGGEST newz story of the wrestling years so without further APU here's my exclusive WrestleMania review!!!
BUT FIRST some newz! Tazz has left the WWE forever! The reasons for Tazz leaving are not known to anyone (not even Tazz!) but it is SUSPECTED it is because he keeps getting a sore throat from talking so much! It is also RUMORED that Tazz wanted to return to the ring and "stretch some young guys" to teach them respect but when he said this to Vince McMahon the boss thought this meant Tazz was a homosexual and hide under his desk until security dragged him out (Vince believes himself to be irresistable to homosexuals which is why he always had Gerald Brisco standing guard whenever Patt Patterrson was in the room with him!) Tazz is the most hetero man alive (he's had Kelly Kelly!) so he quite the company at this insult! Tazz will NOW go to TNA and he'll walk out to the ring in a tight suit and Don West and Mike Tenay will have the following exchange.
Tenay: I know that man! He's a bad man, what's he doing here? West: Hey, I like that man, even though he's not even on our roster! Tenay: Yeah, you would like him, he's fat just like you! West: Why you little... (West puts Tenay in the Tazzmission!)
Then Tazz says "I'm just here to say that you fans are the greatest fans I've ever wrestled in front of even though I haven't and I want to wish you all luck and say hi to my kids and that's all I'm here for." Then just stands around for a full minute as the fans give him a standing evation for this ELOQUENT speech but then RHINO hits the ring and GORES Tazz and Tazz's tight suit bursts open to show the impact of the GORE (and also because he's fat) and Rhino says "SCREW YOUR ASS, Tazmaniac, I still remember the things you did in ECDUB man, you screwed me over, held me back, ate my breakfast and you played politics, well the only thing I play with is my PREY because I'm a hunter and you just got hunted!" and walks away through the crowd slapping hands. Then Tazz forms a tag team with Abyss three weeks later and jobs to Matt Morgan and the newly heel turned Jay "Black MachisKING" Lethal (he wears a crown now) and is then never seen again. Good angle!
Jerry Lynn has won the ROH world (ha! Have they ever defended it in Japan or England or Canada? I don't think so!) title! Basically ROH noticed that Jerry Lynn looks a lot like Mickey Rourke's character Larry the Lamb from The Wrestler so they gave him the title hoping it would fool casual fans and idiots into thinking he really WAS the Lamb! They're also goign to give him a MILF stripper manager who looks like Marissa Tomei (Sunny with her hair dyed!) Lynn was a great technical wrestler in the eighties and had many legendary matches with Rob Van Dam (there's an obscure out-dated reference for you!) and others (Justin Credible) before he rightly retired when ECW exploded but now he's BACK and ruining ROH with his sloppy matches and ugly face! ROH's ratings are so low that they're consdering bringing in Necro Butcher so that fans will confuse him with the Necro Butcher from The Wrestler!
DRAFT SPOILERS: the only thing currently booked is that JR will be drafted to Superstars without knowig it first as a hilarious rib which Vince and Kevin Dunn have been planning for the last six months! Everything else will be decided on the night and it won't matter anyway since every wrestler wrestles on all three brands.
I don't want to do a full Backlash preview since it will suck but SUFFICE IT TO SAY Batista will turn heel on HHH by hitting him with his new finisher the GANSO BOMB (look it up on youtube, kids!) but then he will turn TWEENER (look it up on Scott Keith's blog, kids!) by hitting Orton with his new secondary finisher, the roll of the dice! Then Batista will say "I'm an animal and animals have to RUN alone not in packs, so that's why I'm running alone it's nothing personal HHH and Orton but if either of you ever come near me again I will PERSONALLY slap your teeth down your throats and make you choke on them!" then walks out wiht MELINA for some reason! Then HHH just pedigress Orton and pins him anyway.
Also Edge will win on a screwjob (how else?) with help from a masked man who turns out to be KURT RYDER when Cena tracks him down but then ANOTHER masked man hits Cena in the back of the head with a brick and pulls his mask off and it's CHRISTIAN and he says "haha, I've been waiting since the Royal Rumble to do that!" in an insider reference and the era of Rated R Awesomeness kicks off (and ends when Cena easily beats Edge in a rematch three weeks later)!
Remember my last update (how could you forget it!) where I listed the greatest quotes in wrestling history? While I listed some GREAT quots which anyone can quote to their friends or co-workers, someone on The Dub rightly pointed out that I miss out one of the funniest moments from Raw in 1998 when the Nation (of Domination, not Islam) dressed up as DX!
The Rock(dressed as HHH): "You know the Hunt just came from the bathrom where he sniffted his own shit...which is funny because I'm more used to sniffing Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash's shit! And carryng their bags! And carrying matches...ha, who am I kidding, The Rock carries me everytime we wrestle!"
Owen Hart(dressed as X-Pac): "I can't smell anything, I've wrecked my nose with cocaine and weed! SUCK IT!"
D'Lo(dressed as Billy Gunn): "I'll suck it for you, then I'll ROCKABILLY all night long, I think you better recognise!"
Mark Henry(dressed as Road Dogg): "OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? Or maybe you just didn't care! Hahaha! My old man Bullet Bob used to burn cigarettes on my neck!"
Godfather(dresed as Chyna): "I have a massive penis!"
The Rock(dressed as HHH): The Hunt will hunt that down later, baby! I'll never leave you, because no other woman would go out with me unless she was just as desperate and manly as you! Now I'm going off to play polo with Lord Steven Regal in Greenwich, but before I do DX has got two words for you: WE SUCK!"
It was so funny that it turned The Rock face (completely unplanned!) and they had to turn him heel at Survivor Series when he turned on his best friend Mankind and him him with a brick then caned his son Dewey!
Now it's FINALLY time for my WrestleMania review...after the return of SIGN IDEAS, that is!
"Forget Superstars, Bring Back Stevie Night Heat!"
"My Sign Is A Better Face Than HHH"
"Who Booked This Slut?" - to be held whenever Kelly Kelly or Tiffany are on!
"Kid Rock Is Not Welcome At The Palace Of Wisdom"
"I Wrote This Sign In The Time It Takes For Cena To Hit The Five Knuckle Shuffle"
"Matt Hardy Killed My Dog (But I Got Him Back By Shagging Lita)"
"This Sign Is A Steroid Test. RUN!"
"I Bet Dusty Loves Cody More"
"Tiffany Can Be General Manager...OF MY BED!!"
"Bring Back Boogeyman...Then Fire Him Again!"
"BRIE AND NIKKI, HOW ABOUT AN INCEST ANGLE? (NOT A KURT REFERENCE SO DON'T TAKE THIS SIGN PLEASE!)"
"KOKO B WARE PUT MY BUTT IN THIS SEAT (he's an usher now!)"
"BATISTA BOMB (this sign is a FUTURE REFERENCE to the first WWE film he does!)"
"I Only Saw 12 Rounds Because I Thought It Was 7 Pounds!"
"I'm In The Kelly Kelly Klan!"
"Paul WIGHT POWER!"
"Cane Stewie (From Family Guy (That Show Isn't As Funny Anymore!)!)!"
Wow, that's a lot of signs! Thanks to my friend Old Twangy for the racist ones (he's racist!)
Anyway, now FINALLY for my WrestleMania review which you've been waiting 25 years for! This review is best read REALLY FAST in a loud voice to a friend!
WrestleMania kicked off with the hot one from the Kitty Cat Dolls singing some song about a shining sea! I went to update my twitter while it was going on (the update read "I AM WATCHING WRESTLEMANIA NOW" and was very well received!)
Next up as anyone in the world could predict was Money In The Bank! It is now so predictable that WWE will just lazily throw a bunch of guys into Money In The Bank every year and open the show that you can also accurately predict at which point on the show they'll all be diving out of the ring right down to this year's lame comedy dive by Hornswoggle! Anyway despite this sucking more than any money in the bank has ever sucked before it was still a great match because it had the traditonal mix of kewl Shelton Benjamin spots and funny blown Shelton Benjamin spots (I hear if he gets through one whole Money In The Bank without blowing a spot then he gets to win the next year!) Kofi Kingstone also did some SWEETASS innovative spots but also totally BLEW a spot where he was climbing a ladder Mark Henry was holding and FELL OFF but luckily that great man Mark Henry caught him and probably saved his life so good job Mark Henry! Money In The Bank is always a dangerous match and unfortunately this year we saw Mark Henry and Kane suffering devastating injuries which kept them out of the match for ten minutes (surely they werne't just lying outside the ring while everyone else worked hard!) so get well soon to both of them! In the end CM PUNK won after knocking the brave Kane off the ladder with some PURO KNEES like they do in Japan and the fans BOOED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! However, they weren't booing Punk (why would they, he's so cool and not at all up himself!) they were actually booing the decision to give Jerry Lynn the ROH world title! They decided to boo at this point as Punk is associated with ROH and it was the biggest show of the years and people would actually be watching, rather than boo at a ROH show! So that makes sense now! ****1/2
Next up was the worst thing to ever happen on WWE ppv: a 25 minute Kid Rock concert! Even thought Kid Rock is probably the greatest LIVING musician of all time (the best dead one is Ozzy Osbourne!) this still went on WAY TOO FRAKKING LONG! It was so long that I went to read my twitter but found it had EXPLODED with comments from all my fans saying that this was going on way too long! Then I checke Miz's twitter and at three minutes it read "Morrison and I are ready to go on, hurry up Kid Rock!" then at five minutes it said "Just do All Summer Long and get off the stage, Kid!" then at ten minutes it read "AAAH THEY CANCELLED OUR MATCH FOR THIS SHIT, WATCH THE DIRT SHEET FOR FULL DETAILS PRESENTED IN A COMICAL MANNER, AAAH" so that's the REAL story of why there was no tag match and don't believe any of that propaganda about it being a dark match!
Anyway the WWE got so sick of Kid Rock singing that they just sent all the Divas out while he was still performing to shut him up as his mouth hung open at the sexiness of them all! This meant the Divas weren't even announced but amongst the Divas in the match were "legends" such as Torrie Wilson, Victoria, Molly Holly (but no camera shots of her SWEET SWEET ASS), DX Tori, Joy Giavoni (seriously!), Velvet McIntyre and Sally Sexpants (remember her?) But let's face it the only two anyone wanted to see were Trish and Lita but Trish wasn't allowed to compete because her hair is the wrong color now and Lita showed up at the arena but never made it to the ring because she ended up having sex with Edge right in front of Matt Hardy agani! (Nidia also showed up backstage but she wasn't even supposed to be in the match, she was just trying to get back together with Hurrican Helms. When he rejected her she moved on to Jamie Noble and when HE rejected her she gave Kung FuNaki a handjob!) So this match sucked. For a minute I thought Perry Saturn had shown up in his dress to win the match but sadly it just turned out to be Santino (who I HATE remember!) NEGATIVE DUD.
Next up was Chris Jericho versus Roddy the Piper, Jimmy Snukafly and Ricky Steampunk! As predicted (BY ME) Jericho made Snuka tap out in four seconds with the walls! Piper lasted longer and even hit the CACTUS CLOTHESLINE but got his wrist caught in the ropes in a subtle SHOT at Mick Foley (saying Foley will get HIS wrist stuck when he wrestles Jarrett at the next TNA ppv!) who Piper HATES! Then Jericho pinned him with a Rock Bottom for some reason and FINALLY it was time for the match to start when the old Steamster got in there! Luckily Steamboat's performance suppressed even my WILDEST dreams (and they're pretty wild!) as he hit amazing moves like ARM DRAGS (which he invented, arm DRAG(ON), they're named after him!) and chops! But he is still REALLY OLD so Jericho just pinned him with a codebreaker a minute later.****
Next it was time for Mickey Rourke to look from side to side, slowly stand up, slowly walk through the barricade, slowly take his jacket and hat off, slowly look to the fans again and again (to no reaction) slowly climb up the steps, slowly stand at the end of the ring, slowly get in the ring and finally slowly lay Jericho out with a STIFF punch! Jericho and Rourke were actually supposed to wrestle for another five minutes but Jericho was knocked LOOPY by the punch and couldn't continue! * for the punch!
Next was finally time for Matt and Jeff Hardy to settle their differences EXTREMELY publically! Everyone on the internet was saying the problem with this match is that no one actually wants to see them fight...well I'm SOMEONE and I want to see them fight! I want to see them rip each other's faces off! I want to see Jeff swanton Matt from the top of building and through so many table that Matt and Jeff are just ATOMS by the time they get to the bottom! Anyway, this match was a let down because they hardly even killed each other at all and just when it seemd to get potentially good when Matt was SHOOT BLEEDING out of his ear a guy with a towel ran up and wiped the blood away because you can't see blood on PG WWE! This was so pathetic that I punched my own groin! It's stupid because if kids don't get to see blood at a young age then they'll never know what it is and one day they'll start bleeding and they won't know what this red stuff coming out of them is and they'll think it's MILK like what comes out of cows and they'll try to drink it! That's probably why kids start cutting themselves. Anyway, Matt won by putting a chair around Jeff's neck and giving him the twist of fate! This move might have looked cool but it wouldn't even really have hurt as I did it to my little brother afterwards and it didn't even hurt him! He started spitting up blood an hour later but that was totally unrelated I'm sure! The match SHOULD OF ended when the Prince Of Punk Shannon Moore ran in and helped Matt win and said "yes I am a Mattitude Follower again and I drink Banana Juice, HUUUH!" but then on Smackdown Hurricane Helms saves Jeff from being killed by the MFers and says "yes I am a JEFFITUDE follower, you will bleed the tears of angst, biatch!" setting up a big tag team feud for the rest of the year! But I guess you can't expect the WWE to do anything as cool as I can think of.****
Next up was JBL defending against Rey Mysterio! Backstage before the match JBL threw a FIT when he found out he had to do the job and refused to go out there but WWE got Joey Styles to threaten him until he agreed to lose! The matchw as supposed to last ten minutes, JBL did hit a cool big boot right at the start (it looked really cool because Rey is so short and the boot could LITERALLY take his head off!) before the bell and it might have been STIFF so Vince shouted out from the back that Rey should squash him now (if you turn the sound up extra loud you can hear this!) And he did! Rey won with the "straight arms" splash (his arms are straight when he hits it) then JBL grabbed the mic from Lillian (bet he grabbed her tits too!) and said "I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT!"***
Next up it was time for the ONLY match ANYONE actually wanted to see, a match SO GOOD that there was no point in me even reviewing ANY other match or in you READING any of those reviews, the old Heart Break Kid Shawn Michales versus the old Phenomoen Booker Red Big Devil The Man From The Darkside The American Badass The Underweartaker (joke, lol, it's Undertaker!) This match was BATSHIT NUTS as Undertaker did moves he hasn't done in YEARS (well, one year) like the big dive where he lands right on his head (not sure why he does that!) and of course the Googleimagesearch! Shawn responded with such moves as a fucked-up figure four (Cole just called it a figure four as you can't say "fucked-up" on ppv!) and chops which he must have learned from Ric Flair or possibly Kamala! In the end all they could do was just hit each other with finishes and kick out until it was time for the match to end! This is what great wrestling is all about and if you look at any Japanese match (where wrestling was INVENTED) you'll see they all follow this pattern! So anyway Shawn moonsaulted into a tombstone and not even Marty Jannetty in his prime ever hit Shawn with anything like that so one two three it was over! I dont know what rating to give this because on the one hard it was GREAT but on the other hand they were obviously trying REALLY HARD to make it great and that's kind of cheating in a way so...*****!
Next up was the triple threat match between Edge, The Big Show and John Cena! Cena's gay WrestleMania entrance this year involved ten thousand FAKE Cenas lining the aisle and doing his hand thing! These were not REALLY clones of Cena of course but a mixture of indy wrestlers (like Bryan Dragonson, Austin Ataris, Extreme Edric and Scott Vick), Cena's friends and family (if you look closely some of them had tits, those were Cena's hot sisters and hot girl cousins!) and people who won the chance to be a Fake Cena in a cereal packet! Anyway, the match sucked (what a shock!) as Edge only hit two moves the entire match, the DDT and the spear and they may as well have just had Brian Kendrick in there instead as Edge is such a jobber now (and Kendrick is cuter, the girls tell me!) Everyone got excited when Cena lifted both Big Show AND Edge up at the same time for the FU (I REFUSE to call it the Attitude Adjustment because I don't think it actually does adjust attitude) but even this wans't all that impressive because if you look closely Edge had actually just jumped into the air and was hovring several inches above Big Show when Cena SUPPOSEDLY picked them both up so Cena isn't really taht strong at all. Cena won with the Attitude Adjustment (actually, that name is pretty cool, I'm going to be an internet pioneer again and use it ALL THE TIME) on Show then Attitude Adjusted Edge ONTO Show (so Show got his attitude adjusted twice which would have brough him back to his original attitude!) for da pin!!!*
Now was FINALLY time for our main event (I felt like I'd been waiting three and a half hours!) of The Game Triple HHH in his quest to win the world title...oh wait, he already has it...his quest for revenge against Randy Orton...oh wait, he kicks Orton's ass everytime they get in a ring (or even in Orton's home!)...his quest to kick Orton's ass again with lots of punches and stomps in a boring crappy match! And I think we can all agree Triple H was even more successful in this quest than Frodo was in throwing the Ring into Mount Doom (he needed a run-in from Gollum!) This match showed the NEW STYLE of lots of punches and stuff until eventually Orton tried to use the sledgehammer but in a CLEVER IRONIC TWIST HHH got it off him and used it himself! I wonder how long it took them to come up with that great finish! Then Vince was supposed to do a run in and pretend to turn heel on HHH but then SWERVE and hit Orton with a BARBED WIRE sledgehammer and say "That was for my daughter, homo, SUCK IT!" and do a crotch chop and that would have obviously saved the show but Vince tripped running to the ring and broke knees so HHH just punched Orton a few times then gave him the pedigree!*
The curse of even numbered WrestleManias continues!
I'll be bizzack (I remembered "izz"!) NEVER THIS IS THE LAST HOT NEWZ EVER with more Hot Newz for you doodz see you then!
Of course, I'd have to follow it up with "Me and Smoovy KNOW the Battle Pope Guys." Which, of course, would lead to Guru posting the "Arsenic Lullaby SDCC story" which would then devolve into us gratuitously name-dropping.