Last Week: Triple H appeared only in television and Tajiri forms, which is STILL more than Stevie Richards. Eric Bischoff swore off all kinds of booking as part of his new religion, Morganology, which is LOTS more fun than Morganopoly. Maven somehow convinced a camera to follow him around for some non-Heat hijinx…can he do it again…TONIGHT?!
No opening credits? Hot damn, this is exciting! Err…kinda. I guess. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is in the ring with HHH. One of the two of them has a mic.
DBD: …and that’s why I like BUNNIES!! HHH: Maybe I should handle this. DBD: No, no, I’ve got THIS! HHH: Gimmie that. Now, listen. I’m gone for at least part of one week and what happens? Eric Bischoff nearly turns face and Ric Flair explodes, or turns into a bamboo pole, or gets injured or something? What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re letting Steph get away with booking this crap? I mean GEEZ, next thing you know, Maven’s booking RAW. Voice of the Undertaker: I have been summoned to stop you from exposing our business. HHH: Taker, dude….just shut up. VotU: Oh. It’s you. Uh…Carry on then. HHH: Now friggin’ every reject from WWE Superstars is over wrestling for TNA, where they expect you to pay full price for midgets and fifty year olds….
KN: You don’t suppose he’s talking about us, do you? SH: I think you should shut the hell up and get me some Niquil. KN: Scott, you really have a problem. SH: A problem with getting too much SEX!! KN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! SH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! KN: Oh, man. Good times. Good times. SH: Seriously, get me some Niquil or I’ll cut your face off.
(Back to the ring….)
HHH: …which is only half the problem with booking by who can catch the greased pig. I mean, of COURSE Hillbilly Jim is gonna win, but that doesn’t mean we should push Maven because he has a “purdy smile”. And don’t get me started on Eric….
HHH: Uh…I SAID don’t get me started on Eric…
…. HHH: Eriiiiiic…. DBD: BISCHOFF! What do I WIN?! HHH: Man…I dunno. Whatever you want. DBD: A can of tennis BALLS! EB: He wins a match! Right now! With Randy Orton! HHH: Where were you?! You left me hanging!! EB: Oh. Sorry. I was combing my stubble. HHH: So long as you had a good excuse. Hey, you would know. What are the Vegas odds on my team winning the Survivor Series match? EB: Pretty good. Everybody loves Abe Orton.
That should totally be a sitcom.
Now, from the CBS Studios in Los Angeles, California…EVERYBODY LOVES ABE ORTON!!
AO: Liiiiiiiita! I have returned home and desire babies to kill. Get into our love making position. LT: Right now?! I have a headache. (canned laughter) AO: I do not appreciate being made a fool of. Prepare to taste the cold hard steel of a chair.
Made for prime time!!
“Dave” Batista Davidson (w/ Triple H) v. Randy Orton
The crowd chants “RKO”, which is totally NOT a sign of Randy Orton being over, but instead a call for Texas’ new favorite snack bar food Really Ketchuppy Omelets. Dave starts the match by pawing at Randy with his hands while Orton covers up and waits for Dave to wear out and fall over. Triple H eats a banana on the outside to regain vital potassium. However, when he drops the peel, he’s thrown out of the match for possible future comedic interference. Which is really why Doink wasn’t completely undefeated. Really…that’s just about enough for right now….
And we’re back. Nobody’s won yet. Randy is revitalized by another RKO chant. Poor guy. Doesn’t even know the chant isn’t for him. Dave powers out of an attempt by Randy to trip him by nailing a SEAGULL BOMB TO ORTON~! but it’s not as powerful as its cousin move, and thus doesn’t result in a pin. They fight back and forth a little longer until Dave loses a contact and drops to his knees. Close enough for me. Randy wins. Dave is pretty pissed, and I don’t blame him. How can you lose to Randy Orton?!
Orton is holding a King of the Jobbers summit with Chris Jericho, Maven, and Chris Benoit….
RO: Come on guys, we’ve gotta win! CB: Win what? RO: The Survivor Series match. We’re gonna pin Triple H, Cousin Abe, Dave, Edge…. MV: We’ve gotta fight ALL those people?! Geez. I thought we’d all have to fight Nick Bockwinkle or something. Man…They’re NEVER gonna let me book RAW. CJ: Besides, which one of us would HHH job to. You?! RO: Uh…. CB: Yeah. Seriously. We’re pretty well screwed. RO: Can we get matching Killer Bees outfits at least? CJ: I’m WAY ahead of you there. CB: Oh, man….
Last week, a bloody Chris Benoit said that his goals for November are to beat Edge, beat this acne problem, and NOT wear any bee themed outfits.
Did you know the Detroit Pistons are former World Champions? Wow…WCW really was running them up back in the day weren’t they?
Tyson Tomko (w/ Chris Tian) v. Shelton Benjamin
Waves and waves of firings have done WONDERS to Tyson’s injury. Shelton gets beat on for a while, but there ain’t no stoppin’ him NAAAAAAAAAH. However, when he goes for the Stinger Splash, he misses. Tian has a good laugh at that one, while he wonders if this means that Sting will be so outraged that some dude is stealing his moves that he never comes to the WWE, and thus Christian wouldn’t have to constantly job to him. Unfortunately, Chris’ brother Edge Tian has been constantly jobbing to Sting his entire career. Shelton wins by kicking Christian in the face and then pinning Tyson Tomko, who sucks.
Over On Smackdown: Team Tough Enough has a puking contest, One Guy almost kills Kurt Angle and Jon Hnnrnnr maintains his parallel push with Abe Orton.
Trish Stratus is standing around backstage wondering where the hell Gail Kim went, and what the hell she did with her bags.
It’s time for the Highlight Reel. Tonight’s Guests? Trish and Lita. What do they have to do with anything…let’s find out!
CJ: Hello, ladies. VV: Oh, god! That’s my line! He’s stolen it! I’m going to get FIRED!! AHHHHH!!!
Val jumps off the Titan Tron.
LT: Hey, Trish? TS: What? SA: What? LT: Where the hell is Gail Kim? She owes me, like, fifteen dollars. TS: I don’t think she can afford to pay you anymore. LT: Oh. Damn. Isn’t it silly that they fired all those chicks last week who wrestled all the time and stuff, and…here I am! First match in almost a year! TS: Hehehehe…yeah. Bitches. CJ: Hey! Hey! Remember when Chris Tian and I wanted to sleep with you guys? TS: Yeah. LT: Yeah. CJ: What the hell were we thinking, man? Geez. TS: Eh…I dunno. Oh, snap, I’ve gotta go get my thongs out of the dryer!
Trish leaves, and Abe Orton enters…funny how you never see them both in the same place isn’t it? Abe’s face is really weird. It’s totally moon shaped. Like that Piano playin’ moon from McDonalds. Mooney McMoonbeams, or whatever. And it’s not the beard either. It’s his face. Weird. He’s got a baby.
AO: Hey! Look at this baby! LT: That’s not a baby. That’s…uh…a pillow. AO: Oh no! I must have left the baby at the pillow store!!!
Abe punts the pillow into the crowd. Some Guy catches it and is immediately tackled. There’s no fair catches in the XFL, folks. Jericho attacks Abe for daring to kick things during the highlight reel, while Lita curls up into a ball, desperately wounded at this direct affront to her pillow fetish.
NV: Hi everybody! It’s me! Nova, the guy who invented pro wrestling. Anyway, I’m out here in a desperate attempt to get over before my angle is cut and I’m canned by the WWE before my first match here. So, uh, why doesn’t somebody get in the ring here and try out my health supplemental products, and then I’ll make some comment about your weight. How about you, sir? CD: Me? NV: Yes. You’re the plant, aren’t you Carmella? CD: I am here to destroy the one you call Lance Storm. NV: Just drink some of this Nova Juice. CD: Are you coming on to me? NV: Uh…no?
Carmella takes a sip of Nova juice.
CD: This is just Tang. NV: Carmella likes the Tang! No carbs! CD: You suck. I hope you get fired.
Nova dumps The tang on Carmella causing her to short circuit. The crowd cheers because everybody loves that Robots Gone Crazy Go Nuts DVD. I can’t wait for the cross promotion with the WWE.
After seeing these soldiers, I can only come to one conclusion: The National Guard needs more Kane.
Tajiri v. Triple H
This is either a shocking display of OMG CONTINUITY~! from last week or HHH simply hadn’t appeared in enough segments yet tonight. I guess it’s a little of both. However, the match doesn’t quite get started as Abe Orton runs out, punches Tajiri in the back of the head and tells HHH that if he wins Survivor Series, he’s going to take claim over Stephanie and Hunter’s firstborn child. Hot damn. Actually, I’m pretty sure the baby would crawl out of the womb and Pedigree Abe, but, hey, it’s his party. HHH is not impressed, but he certainly doesn’t want anybody implying that he’s going to have sex with Stephanie, so he frowns. Tajiri weeps as his match ends with no moves.
Heeeeeeeeeeere’s the Amish.
MH: We Amish are a simple people. Didn’t you watch that show on UPN? So why do you persecute us? Honestly, would it be better if we sat here in Beaver Cleavageville USA and talked about how awesome we were? I mean the Amish have nothing to do with terrorism. We churn butter! Not bombs! KD: Chickens!
Jerry Lawler takes five minutes to try to get J.R. lynched. On Wisconsin!
Josh Matthews is backstage with Edge.
JM: Hot off my match last Thursday night no Smackdown it’s Josh Matthews and I’m backstage with Edge. EG: Hey, there crap for brains. I’m the best. JM: Just saying it doesn’t make it so. EG: Does too. And Chris Benoit better look out, or else I’m going to Spear him. HHH: Hey. What’s up? EG: I’m going to give myself a title match after we win. HHH: God, everybody on my team hates me. Why is that? EG: Nobody likes you. You hold us all down. I’d already be a world champion if it wasn’t for you. HHH: No you wouldn’t because you SUCK! JM: OH! DISSED! EG: Oh yeah? Well…you have no…brains. Jerk. HHH: That sucked. JM: Really hard. EG: I hate myself.
2/3 of Evolution is backstage.
HHH: Hey, Dave. At least you’ll be my friend. DBD: I want to be the CHAMPIONS!! HHH: NO! Not you too! DBD: Sorry, HHH! I need a belt to hold up my PANTS! HHH: Can’t you go for the I.C. Title? DBD: I want to be fifty times World CHAMPION! HHH: Go away. DBD: RF: KNOCK THAT OFF! HHH: You’re not supposed to be here! RF: Oh shi….
Chris Benoit v. Edge
Lance announces this match. He’s WAY better than Lillian. And not nearly as flammable. The one problem I have though, is that there’s no WAY Benoit weighs 270 pounds. More like 70. If he was wearing a 50 pound gold chain around his neck. Edge dances around because he has new music, but he can’t see where he’s raving in all the smoke and he falls off the side of the ramp. While he picks himself up, we’ll let you take this time to figure out what you’re going to get me for my birthday in a few weeks.
Hunter and Dave are out now watching Edge and Benoit flop around the ring, both desperately trying not to win so that their team doesn’t lose at Survivor Series. Jericho, Benoit, and Maven come down to the ring. Maven is freaking out because he’s in the MAIN EVENT, BIATCH~! Benoit works in his patented restholds (patent pending) until it’s time to lock into the Crippler Crossface, which is immediately broken up by HHH, because he doesn’t WANT his team to win at Survior Series. But it’s all a wash anyway, because the referee fell asleep twenty minutes ago, so it’s a no decision. That’s probably the best part about this match. The two sides fight for a little while, trying to give the other side the advantage, when suddenly Abe Orton materializes and gives his side the lead. Oh no! But then the heels get in a shoving match over whose fault the fact that Abe Orton is on their team is. When they all shove each other at the same time, they all fall over. ORTON WINS!! Randy is devastated!
Sunday Night: The World gasps collectively as we learn that the beginning of Maven’s reign of terror is the same week as my birthday, a strange and epic aligning of the stars. Triple H is pleased as punch because now he only has to defend his title against people the WWE fired. The WWE is rocked with the revelation that Shelton Benjamin doesn’t actually exist.
Lance and Rob Are Friends Chapter 24: I’ve always got stripping.
LS: Wow…what the hell are we doing? TD: Hanging upside down over this highway overpass watching for the jade gopher. RVD: Yeah! All right!! LS: No, no. It’s NOT all right. Why the hell are we constantly trying to find the jade gopher and constantly spending my Diva Search money? I mean…I don’t even really like The Rock. TD: Yeah, but chasing things is HARDCORE! LS: All this hanging upside down is giving me a headache. TD: Yeah. Me too. RVD: We’re upside DOWN?! Woah, why didn’t anybody tell me?
TEJ: Ok, we’ve got, like 30 new people this week. Please welcome to the group Nidia and Gail Kim everybody. GK: I honestly thought my Undertaker level of submissions would be enough to not get me fired. ND: I’m not worried. I’ve always got stripping. And…uh…Eric Angle? TEJ: Wow, this is awesome. Now we can TOTALLY storm the WWE headquarters and force them to give us all our jobs back. AT: Or we can all go get a group discount on piercings. BG: OR we can all go try to get jobs getting put over cruiserweights in TNA! Group: Yeah! DM: Or we can all join a cult and become werewolves. GK: Who the hell are you? DM: Dan Madigan, creator of such great characters as Mordecai, Eye Scream Man and Booker T. as Gabriel Knight. ND: Gabriel Knight? Isn’t that a long stretch for a joke? DM: Yeah, but I think it’s worth it. BG: No it isn’t. It sucks. And I know suck. Get him, Chuckie.
Chuck Palumbo super kicks Madigan.
TEJ: Ok, good meeting everybody! Now let’s all load up on the bus bound for Orlando!
Everybody pushes their way on the bus, which quickly fills up and drives off, leaving Tough Enough Jessie behind.
TEJ: I can’t go? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! ???: Ma’am, I’d like to make you an offer. TEJ: *sniff* My body is a temple and not for sale. ???: Not THAT kind of offer. Geez. I need you and your group. TEJ: They all left on that bus. Without me. WAAAAAAAAAAH! ???: Don’t worry. That bus isn’t going anywhere.
On the road, the bus chugs ahead until suddenly, Mantaur sprints out of the Alamo and gores a hole straight through it, throwing Mountie out the side.
Tonight I wanna ruin my life, I wanna throw it all away, In a spectacular way
No Chris Jericho broken action figure reference. When I saw him come out at the end of the show with his mid-section all wrapped up I kinda thought of your old Lance Storm action figure.
smark/net attack wienerville advisory holds at ORANGE alert - High (JBL is STILL WWE champion and now smarks arch enemy HHH is the World Champion. Major red threat, but the undercard seems okay. The alert holds... for now)- 9/19
Mr. Shapiro, you're two Tuesdays late. Not to complain or anything, but I hardly know what to do with myself in the absence of your column. "If you attempt to ignite a petroleum product on this ship at 0: