LOL I am back once agayne with more weekly Hot Newz! And da big newz this week, and the biggest newst of the YEAR so far is taht Gail Kim has posed TOPLESS in her home land of Korea with nothing at all between your eyes and her nipz! And under normal cirCUMstances this would be the best thing EVAR but in this case it is NOT because Korea is a communist country on the axis of evil! And the topless pics are being used by the evil Korean government to spread propganda! You see, since theyre commies they belive that everyone is equal (the morons!) and they've just passed a new law saying that ALL women are allowed to go toplress in public! And even though theyre using hot Gail to promote the campane, most of teh topless women in Korea are old, saggy and ugly! THis is sick and wrong! And they're also taking a shot at our great leader Bush in a billboard champagne that shows Gail topless with the caption "we don't have weapons of mass distruction, but we do have THESE!" So if you are a freedom loving American DON'T masturwank over Gail's pics because to do so is to support Kommies! And if you DO absolutely have to jank over them (as I have done ten times) then say the pledge of allegiance afterwards!!!
Vince has decided to bring back Brawl For All after WrestleMania to try to get the ratinsg up! And even though the last brawl 4 all was a flizzop, Vince's theory is that it was Bart Gunn who was the flop and not the brawl for all concept and you can't argue with that logic! And this time BFA will try to get Chris Masters over because Vince thinx that since Master's injured Stevie Richards by hitting him in the face that he'd be great at boxing and again his logic is unimpeccable! And Harcore Holly will also be in it because he's tough but no other current wrestlers will be because Vince doesnt want them getting injured so former WWF tough guys will be brought back to fill it up including The Godfather, Steve Blackman, Marvellous Marc Mero, A-Train, Crush and that french pirate guy!
Christy Hemme appeared on da Howard Stern radio shoe! And she was asked some trivia questions about America and she got most of them wrong the dumb biznatch! She was asked who the vice president is and she said "uhh...the guy out of the West Wing?" Then she was asked who Bill Clinton's wife was and she said "Marge"! Then she was asked who built the Statue of Liberty and she said "Abraham Lincoln" so at least she got one right!
Marty Janetty will be on Smackdown next week, but be prepared for a shock: he's bald now and has a long white beard! And after he jobs to Angle he'll form the New New Rockers with Paul London! And they'll be a sucesfull tag team but then a week later Paul London's mom will show up at Smackdown one week and London'll be like "what are you doing here is dad okay?" and mom'll be like "yes...but he's not your dad! Paul, twenty years ago I was a ring rat and I had a threesome with the ORIGINAL Rockers: Shawn and Marty! One of them is your father!" and London can't believe his ears or his mom but Marty remembers the threesome because they videotaped it and he shows London the video and Paul throws up and is like "alright alright I believe my ears now!" And she demands a DNA test so Shawn and Marty take one but Shawn knows he's highly fertile so he swaps the sealed envelopes that he results were in becaue he doesn't want to have to pay child support and it's a sin to have a child out of wedlock! But then when the doctor reads the results they say Shawn is the father (so Marty WAS the real father anyway!) and it backfires on his ass! But London rejects Shawn anyway because for the last two weeks Marty's been more of a father to him than the guy he thought was his father (he's an alcoholic!) ever was!
Brock Lesnar and WWE are still trying to negochiate a deal! Brock wants to work four days a month be paid five million a year and have a super fast jet fly him to and from every show and never do jobs. WWE wants him to work 26 days a month for 200,000 dollars a year and travel in PEASANT CLASS and do jobs to Hardcore Holly all over our great country! So as you can see they're getting closer to compromising! I hope he comes back soon because that means his common law wife Sable will be back and she just gets hotter at age and at 40 plus is definately a MILF I'd like to fuck!
Lita update: She's still a slut!!!!!!
Wrestlemania update, all the matche's are set now and I can legitiamtely say that it's going to be even better than WrestleMania 2 but not as good as WrestleMania 6! And Kane was put in the ladder match so he can chokeslam Christia off the ladder but that's ALL he'll do so dont worry he won't spoil it! And Big Show versus Akkybono is now a sumo match which is great because Akkybono's been sumo wrestling since he was a baby and if anyone can carry the Big Show to a good sumo match it's him!
Some of you might have noticed that there's a NEW wrestling promotion in town, NWA: Total Non Stop Action! And NWA:TNSA is quite good because even though it sucks at least it's an alternative to the WWE and there's no Triple H (yet!) So I have prepared a N00b guide to TNSA to get you all started and let you know about some of the key characters!
Double J: Well, TNSA (or TNA for short!) does kind of have there own Triple H in teh shape of their world champion Jeff Jarrett (or Jeffer Jearst Jarrelmsley as he's known to smarks!) And you might remember him best as that guy who was in WCW but was GOONNEE when Vince McMahon bought WWE and if he's not good enough for WWE how the hell is he good enough to be champion anywhere!? And he owns the whole company himself because he bought it from Panda Energy who were those Panda freaks who made the WWF change to WWE if you u remember and they were trying to put the WWF/E out of business by starting their own promotion but then they found out that hippies don't know how to book wrestling! And Jarrett is like a mini HHH and he uses a shitty fake looking guitar instead of a sledgehammer becasue TNA's budget is too small to afford a sledgehammer!
Dusty Rhodes: Dusty is most famous for being Goldust's father and the grandfather of a plumber or something and he's the head booker of TNA. Jeff Jarett handed Dusty the book when Jarret realised that he only cared about booking his own matchs and decided to let Dusty write everyone elses as long as he never has anyway beat Jarrett and Dusty liked that just fine! And in storylines and there's two young women who want to sleep with Dusty for some reason and they're both pretty hot but not as hot as the late great sweet lady Saphire was!
AJ Style: He is the main man in TNA's X Division which is the Divison for guys who can actually have good matches! And he's a devout Christian but appart from that he's cool and does highflying fashizzle that the WWE has banned! And his finisher is when he holds his opponent like he's going to give them a piledriver but then just slams them down so they land on their knees and that might not look sore but just try hitting your knees with a hammer and remmber that that is the kind of force you land at in that move and you'll have a new respect for AJ!
Monty Brown: Black guy who thinks he's a cat! But he's not.
The Monster Abyss: He is a big scary guy who is just like Kane only not as big or scary and he still wears a mask! But when he loses his mask underneath he'll have burn scars and Mike Tenay will say "unlike in some other wrestling federations, our scarred masked guys actually have scars!" and Dos West will say "WOW THAT'S SOMETHING MIKE I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THOSE SCARS, SCARS ON HIS FACE...THEY'RE REAL SCARS ON HIS FACE MIKE!"
Raven: Raven hated the WWF because they were holding him down and making him have crappy matches so he quit. But his matches in TNA are even worse so maybe they're holding him down EVEN MORE and he'll have to quit and join one of those feds that wrestle in school gyms in front of 40 people where he'll FINALLY be allowed to have good matches again like he used to back in...umm...when did Raven not suck!?
Petey Williams: Canadian guy who does a move where his opponent tries to do a backflip for some reason but Petey holds on and lands in a piledriver!
Goldust: But he cant be called Goldust anymore becaue that's trademarked to the WWE so he has to be called Dustin Rhodes Junior! And he can't wear gold anymore because that's trademarked to the WWE! And he can't be funny in backstage segment and have good matches because that's trademarked to the WWE! But he can do the bionic elbow!
All those ex NWO and DX guys: Including Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, X-Pac (when he's not in hospital from a Chyna beating!), Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, Konnan, K-Kwick, Disco Inferno, Stevie Ray and IRS! And all these guys lived the high life in the nineties and blew all their money on girls and boats (wrestlers like boats!) So now they have to work somewhere and TNA is somewhere!
Jeff Hardy: For the ladies!
Matt Hardy: He's not in TNA YET but because of the big pop Lita got on RAW and the fact that she's fucking hot the WWE has decided to keep her and release Matt so he doesn't end up trying to kill her or tie her up in a cupboard or anything! So he'll have to go to TNA and job to Double Jay. Or worse, Smackdown.
Hulk Still Drools!
Say "what" if you've slept with Lita!
Bring Back The Intercontinental Title!
Fena Sucking Cucks!
F-U = Worse than the heart punch!
O(rlando) J(ordan) Killed Nicole (Bass)!
JBL is a wrestling CLOD!
CANADIAN Bulldog writes
Hot Newz weekly? More like Hot Newz WEAKLY!
Umm, no, it's Hot Newz WEEKLY, check a dicktonairy, bumass!
Casey Clegg writes
Next week, RAW will be tapped! And its in YOUR hometown dat week 2~! Itz gonna be taped on dis sadurtay niggit at 8 so you go and write resluts for us!!!
Okay first of all Cleggolas, you're spelling is TERRABLE! Secondly of all, how do you know where I live!? Thirdly of all, I didn't hear nothing about no RAW at my local Arena but I believe you because my readers are all decent human beings (or so I thought) and I went down there on Saturday night but there didn't seem to be any RAW show on! Then I saw Duke The Dumpster Droose with a trashcan and figured he was there catching up with old friends and I asked him if that's what he was there for but he said no he was there collecting the trash because he's a garbage man again! So that answers the "whatever happened to Duke the Dumpster!" question! And I asked him if RAW was being taped there but he said the only thing going on there tonight was a teenage girls netball tournament! Then I watched the netball. So it wasn't a totally wasted trip but NEVER TRY TO FOOL ME AGAIN OR I'LL LAYETH THE SMACKETH DOWN ON ALL YOUR CANDYASSES!
Okay, this was the last Hot Newz EVER.........until the next one! LOL, fooled your there for a minute didn't I! I'll be bizzack SOON with a supersized WrestleMania 21 special for all the marks who wanna be me and the girls who cum when they see me!!!!!!!!1
"Well, TNSA (or TNA for short!) does kind of have there own Triple H in teh shape of their world champion Jeff Jarrett (or Jeffer Jearst Jarrelmsley as he's known to smarks!)"
That is classic. I also really like the Lita sign idea. I may just have to "borrow" it if I ever go to a WWE show again (plus, not enough people see my signs when I'm watching PPV's at my house alone).
(edited by Torchslasher on 13.3.05 2201) Click Here (czwfans.com)
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after months of paying close attention to what sign was on what door and what color shirt Rico was wearing (a tally I still keep up despite the fact that I've never actually used the joke) Oh, man - The Fashion Report is getting upstaged!