Somehow, I didn't know until tonight that the season finale was not NEXT week, but in fact was TONIGHT'S episode. (It turns out there's a "Reunion" immediately following - I guess that will take the place of the 13th episode.) So not only can I SEE the light at the end of the tunnel, but I actually FEEL the warmth radiating from it. WE CAN MAKE IT. JUST ONE MORE HOUR. Hard to believe we've only been watching this season since the beginning of August - it's certainly been a SPECIAL, MAGICAL (almost) three months.
CABLE GUIDE SPOILERZ:New, HD, "Ciao, Italia", (2011), The gang gets ready to say good-bye to Italy and head back ot Seaside Heights in the Season 4 finale, but tensions between Mike and the rest of the roommates leave him doubtful that he'll be joining them back at the Jersey Shore. (Reality).
I will never not be amused by that. (Reality).
PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: Everybody's looking forward to returning to the Shore - but nobody's looking forward to rooming with Mike, because Nobody likes Mike!
While we take a gander at the opening credits one last time, let me remind you that THIS is JERSEY SHORE! Tonight's episode is #12 of season 4, premiering 10/20/2011 on MTV, and it's rated TV-14-DLS! For the last time, I will tell you that the opening theme of this show is "Get Crazy" by LMFAO. I should also note that the MTV logo is PURPLE tonight, because today is PURPLE day. PURPLE is very significant! It signifies that...um...I think it's that bullies once picked on Prince.
When we last left Mike, he was home alone and narrating his life for the benefit of our cameras. He's STILL doing it! As he shimmies out of his pants, he bemoans his current fate: "Whoa, no chick in the crib...but I got my pants owff. ... you don't wanna start with me, son, 'cause I'll (bleep) your face." I should note that Mike's putting on his Abercrombie sweats despite the bounty offered to NOT wear any A&F stuff - not that he knew about it at the time, of course. "(bleep)" And now he's doing some karate kicks to ... I have no idea. Some air nearby the wall? "Ooh, that was a nice one! Eat your face on Saturday, eat your face on Monday, (bleep) crazy kid." Still with the eating of faces. As we move to see Snooki rousted from her slumber, the obvious conclusion is that Mike is being just loud enough to wake up Nicole so he can put some more lame moves on her which won't work. Snooki IS awakened, but heads to the restroom to...rest. She tells us that she hears Mike walking around being a fuckin' weirdo. Cut to Mike in the kitchen, hearing a door slam. "Somebody's up - she's up." So he makes a beeline to Nicole's room - oy. "Oh, you stayed home! Snooki... how are you, Snooki?" No response. Snooki, to us: "Talking to Mike is THE LAST THING I want to do right now." "I love Snooki." Geez, he must still be buzzed. "Are you OK? Snooki's (bleeping) sleeping. Bye, Snooks! Snooki's (bleeping) sleeping." So, surprisingly, he crashes on his own bed.
** NOW PLAYING: Kopek - Sin City (myspace.com) ** Meanwhile, the other six kids are still in high spirits as they shuffle back to the house, but Ronnie and Sammi are ALSO talking about how Ron should talk to Mike. Sammi tells us that Mike is putting the whole house on edge but nobody ever confronts him about it, so Ron should definitely talk to him and try to snap him out of it. I don't know how this falls on Ron, but I guess the usual psychiatrist of the group (Vinny) has already endured enough Sitch-related drama that he voluntarily vacated that position long ago. Because this clearly cannot wait, Ron rousts Mike from a surely booze-infused slumber so they can talk. Ronnie tells us that with Mike causing problems in the club tonight, it's time for somebody to say something because everyone's just sick of it. We get bemused reaction shots from Vinny and Pauly, who each look to be keeping a fair distance from this.
In the courtyard, Mike collapses onto a couch, cigarette in hand, while Ronnie does the talking. "Sit down, dog. I'm gonna say something right now. I'm airing it all out. You cause a lot of (shit) that goes on. The Snooki (shit), the Deena (shit), stop trying to cause problems." "Between me and you, I feel like the villian. I feel like the bad guy." "OK, so... listen Mike...whatever bridges you burnt...try to fix them. If you can't fix 'em, you gotta go." "REALLY." "Yes. ...man up, dog. Whoever you think you did wrong to, apologise to, bro." "I'm the bad guy right now." "No. I know you're depressed right now. You feel like everybody in the house doesn't like you, right?" "You want me to be honest? You want me to be very honest? I only want a couple bridges. I don't want all of 'em, dog." "It's--" "Dude, I've been alone the last, like two, three days, and then I was like..." "It sucks, right? It sucks." "I was like, dude, (shit), I was like I'd rather be by my-- I'd rather--scoot. Scoot. Hey, if you don't like me, I don't kair." Mike walks away. (Or it's being edited that way.) "It's about being real." Ronnie tells US: "I took time and breath out of my (fuckin') life...and at this point if he doesn't apologise, I'm done tryin' to walk him off the ledge, I'm done tryin' to help him out, if he wants to be Angelina, let him be Angelina." WHOA!
"Say WHAT? I didn't even know I was IN this episode!"
Ronnie catches up with Sammi - looks like they've taken up residence in the smush room (to get away from Mike?) - Ronnie briefs Sammi on the previous conversation - he told Mike to man up, stop being a bitch crying about his feelings and start making with the apologies. "You think he will?" "We'll see what happens. I tried...I put myself out there." "Maybe you said the right thing...he needs a guy's point of view - he needs a (fucking) man." "I told him to man up." "He needs another man to tell him what's right." "Because no one else will." "Good for you, baby. I love you. You did the right thing. ... I'll tell you what, though. (whispers) If he f**** with me in Jersey, I'll f****** kill him. I'll f****** kill him." Cut to mike making the pbbbbbbt sound as he slumps into a living room chair.
COMING UP: Eww, Sam and Ron are DOING it! IT!
LATER: Mike's gonna kick someone in the head! He means it this time!
Wow, it's only 9:06 - that may be the shortest opening segment all year. But I think you'll agree: we've all got A LOT to think about.
It's a new day! Pauly offers Deena his shift at work - she politely declines. This is the last shift, apparently - Pauly, Vinny and Sammi - Sammi is ready to party! She tells us she enjoyed working - which is weird, because I don't think we saw her work *once* during this show - well maybe that's why. We don't tune in to "Jersey Shore" to see kids ENJOYING working! Now we watch as Marco does a pretty funny imitation of Pauly. "Buddy" is said a lot. Pauly's catchphrase at work seems to be "I'm on break" - he's ALSO taught the megaphone to say it, so any time a question is asked of him, he presses the button that makes the megaphone say "I'M ON BREAK." He also says "buena serra" a lot, which may or may not be Italian. In fact, at this point, we digress to Vinny and Pauly in the confessional. "I'm gonna translate for him. Go ahead." "Ciao." "Hello." "Como se va?" "What's up?" "Buona noche." "Good night? ...in Spanish?" And they break up laughing. "(something bleeped)" "What the (fuck) do you want?" Back to the pizzeria - closed captioning guys guess at "Bella sena" so I'M going to guess "Bella cena" which Google translate says is "Good meal." Sure, why not. Oh, wait, OPEN caption says "Good evening" so I guess he's saying "Bunoa sera." (Glad we cracked THAT case.) Everybody's having a good time suckering customers into asking Pauly questions and having his bullhorn shout "I'M ON BREAK." Vinny says that in a short time, they have bonded with the pizzeria folk as a family. Clearly, given all the time and footage we have seen here during the course of this season...we have no choice but to take his word for it. Healthy handshakes and European kisses!
They're walking back! Note that while it's certainly not EASY to wear your trucker cap in that fashion, Pauly manages to pull it off.
They're back! Night has fallen and everyone's lounging about the house. Sam and Ron are lounging on each other. Sammi: "We can if you want." Ron: "Right now?" This is the mating ritual. We see Ron, then Sammi head to the smush room. Pauly lets everybody know they're off to get it in. Sam tells us it's a little weird to be doin' it while everybody's in the house. Say it with me, kids, "...like that's ever stopped her before." BA-ZING! Sam needs to get her smush on! That room fan is at its highest setting and I bet it STILL can't counteract the stank! Under a cover, we hear...laughter. I suppose it's better than hearing crying? Reaction shots of Pauly and Mike in the living room, which we hope is just far enough away. As they emerge from underneath the cover - geez, I don't even think Ron took his shirt off. And now we see them walking BACK from the smush room through the living room. Pauly is in hysterics as Ron walks by. "Where you coming from? What the hell?" Sammi isn't far behind. "What the hell?" "I need to shower again." "Wow...(laughs)...walkofshame, yeah buddy. In-house walk of shame! Yeah buddy!" Pauly tells us that the whole house knows it only takes five minutes for them to get their smush on - "no wonder why Sam never smiles! Ha ha ha haaaa!" The door to Sam's bathroom closes.
Here's Mike on the phone with... ON THE PHONE: MIKE'S SISTER MELISSA. He's still mulling over the possibility of denying himself another $1.3 million by foregoing next season. (And if you believe THAT...) Of course, who knows if he knows when he says "I'm not going back to Jersey" if he's saying it for the benefit of Snooki walking by (although, again...that may just be clever editing) as opposed to MEANING it. Melissa says he shouldn't have regrets. Mike says he doesn't have regrets; he makes a decision and then he moves on. She tells him to weight the pros and cons (and I'm sure the big pro, A HUNDRED GRAND AN EPISODE, gets mentioned but quickly edited out) and in the end he gotta do what he gotta do. To us: "All the roommates, they thought I was the cause of all of these problems, so they sorta said (fuck) Mike and (fuck) the drama - well guess what? They can go back to Jersey without me - see how they fare."
Snooki MUST have been eavesdropping, because we follow her to Deena blow-drying her hair (hey Deena, blow dryers are LOUD and drown out your conversation!) where she tells her Mike said on the phone he wasn't going to Jersey. Deena says there's no way, he just wants them to feel bad. Deena tells us the same thing - when people aren't paying attention to him, Mike gets lost in the bleeping mist. Deena and Snooki take turns saying they DON'T feel bad. So...whatever. Here's one more shot of Mike out on the couch in the courtyard. Yes, he is wearing sunglasses.
COMING UP: Snooki and Deena discover a kindred spirit!
LATER: Snooki still doesn't believe Mike, no matter how crazy his accent gets!
Oh no, this may be my last chance to talk about "Footloose!" I think I'll pass
As I watch this ad for "I Used To Be Fat," I have to wonder - why isn't it called "I'm Still Fat?"
Meanwhile, Jenni is ON THE PHONE: JWOWW'S BOYFRIEND ROGER with - she's sickies again - down for the count. Roger suggests a good night of sleep, and she concurs. "I need to fix myself." This leaves seven to head for FULL UP (fullupclub.com).
** NOW PLAYING: Envy - Party Down (reverbnation.com) ** Dance montage! Mike has many girls! Meanwhile, Deena and Snooki are sweating and not having fun - so they decide to blow the joint and stay up late somewhere else.
** NOW PLAYING: Atlantic Connection f/ Armanni Reign - Hypem (The W at Amazon) ** Vinny doesn't look to be having much fun, though. He tells us that usually, the drunker he gets, the cuter the girls get, but tonight they're only getting uglier. He needs to bounce and head over to Twice. Pauly agrees. Mike wants to stay here, and it looks like Ron and Sam are also staying. So we've pretty much split everybody up pretty well tonight. Mike has...yeah, I can see what Vinny's saying about the girls in this place. "Come to my house?" She nods. Ron is getting his groove on while remaining seated. Sam is ... admiring him? I dunno. She's smiling, at least.
Deena and Snooki are walking and enjoying the breeze. Deena feels like the previous place was a basement. "I was getting boob sweat, I was getting kooka sweat, ass(bleep) sweat..." I would go try to figure out that bleep, but I am getting SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW
Somehow, Deena and Snooki made it to TWICE (twiceclub.com) without getting lost! Let's watch them dance and/or have sex with a couch. With tonight being one of the last Meatball Nights in Italy, Deena says she and Nicole have decided to go "frickin' hard." This is them going frickin' hard! ** NOW PLAYING: Little Red Radio - Playground (cdbaby.com) ** I WILL say we get at least one blurred out crotch during this montage, so they're definitely getting there...but our focus quickly turns towards another girl - yes, somehow in all of Florence there exists one girl who is more bombed than Team Meatball and we're all strangely drawn towards her presence. "Are we that bad?" "Oh my God." "That's probably us." "YOU'RE BEING AN ANNOYING." Later, we find out that she's been grinding not only the cushioned bench...but also Deena's clutch which had been sitting atop it. Disgusted, Snooki grabs it and rubs it all over the girl to...dry it off....I should stop. Thank God that somewhere in here they got her to sign the release so we didn't have to blur out her face!
** NOW PLAYING: School Girls - These Boots (myspace.com) ** Let's see how Vinny and Pauly have made out - ah, they have ALSO ended up at Twice, and are SHOCKED to see that Nicole and Deena got there before them and have actually been there for a good chunk of time. Deena wastes little time trying to set up Vinny with the drunk girl, pointing and saying "DTF, DTF!" (For those of you in the WWE Universe who are reading your first "Jersey Shore" recap, "DTF" stands for "Down To Fuck.") "White girl wasted!" Vinny seems....not immediately rejecting her, also saying "DTF" and going for a high five.
More dancing! Pauly didn't even know they'd left the club, but he had the same feeling for it that they did. The four of them have some fun together, joke around. Snooki tells us she loves VP, but our closed captioner has his mind in the gutter and types in "I love DP," which is another concept entirely and we shouldn't even THINK it here - but of course, now we have - and now we can't UNTHINK it. (Those of you who don't know what DP stands for can Google it and we won't expect you back here for a while...if at all.) Pauly and Deena are actually having a good time dancing with each other. "They don't dance like this out here."
Back to Full Up, where Sam and Ron are heading out. Ron can't wait to get them lost! "We gotta wait for what's-his-name." Mike is still chattering away about what a great time he had and how chill the place was - we are left unsatisfied on the question of what happened to the homely girl who was going to go back to his house with him but is now noticeably absent. They ALSO do not get lost and make it back into the house.
Back to our other group of revelers - Pauly has latched onto a girl who is "kinda OK, but a guarantee" - and they're heading out. "She got her tatas out, and she wants to get it in!" On the street: "Where do I live?" "I have no idea." "Neither do I." We then cut to her SPLATting on the street. Pauly decides she's a bit too tipsy, so he stuffs her in a cab "and I'll see her another time." Wait, isn't he leaving the country pretty soon? "...or never. (laughs)" Ah, there you go. I guess he'll have to sleep with Vin tonight.
Deena and Snooki, walking home - well, not yet - Deena stops to sit in the street and remove her shoes. Sure enough, we FINALLY have a group getting lost. They stop to admire some new trees - one of which Deena humps, I think - and now THEY have found their way home. Deena, to us: "If it wasn't for Meatball #2, Meatball #1 would be lost and what is Meatball #2 without Meatball #1, you know?" We admire Deena's blackest of soles - no, not her black soul...the bottoms of her feet.
It's a new day! Jenni says she slept for 21 hours straight and it was UNBELIEVABLE. WOW. JWOWW. She's all better. Pauly says it's time to assemble an object of clothing as a gift to Marco. Apparently, Marco has requested one representative item from each of them for a laundry line inside the pizza shop. Sammi says this is an Italian tradition. (Maybe.) Pauly has a star shirt. Deena, of course, is going with underwear. To us, Ron says that to be honest, he didn't even know Deena WORE underwear. What, don't you remember her dancing out of them that one time...no, I'd kinda like to forget it too.
Back one last time to Pizzeria O'Vesuvio - Jenni says "this is a beautiful tanning day" - and to Marco. He has a few words for them - he doesn't know when he'll see them again - he is interrupted by many "Come to Jersey!" invitations. And now it's time for the presenting of the gifts for the laundry line. The cleanliness of Deena's panties are questioned. "Come si dice skid mark?" Vinny remarks to us on how hungry tourists are sure to be appetized by the sight of Deena's thong on the laundry line. Mike's T-shirt says..."Golden Memories?" Is that a thing? I dunno. The thong is pinned! Pauly's star shirt. Jenni offers a "boob shirt" - more underwear, I guess. The pizza chef makes the international hand signal for "rack." Snooki offers an animal print bra and Marco is excited. Sammi has "some Sammi Sweetheart short shorts." (Note: second time this season someone says "Sweetheart" - both times it's Sammi referring to herself in the third person) Vinny offers some boxer shorts - why, he's nothing but a HYPOCRITE! We didn't see Ron's? I'm sure it had to have been a Jersey Laundry (jersey-laundry.com) T - in fact, if it WASN'T, I would be VERY disappointed in him, so I'm just going to assume it couldn't have been anything BUT. Again, everyone has their farewells - Snooki being sure to give a "WAH!" before saying goodbye. Ah ha ha. They also say goodbye to the chef dude (Mimo!) and the other waitrixes. Vinny says it's so hard to find good, genuine people in this world, but when they went to Italy they found so many of them right there in the pizzeria. It was bittersweet. "We wanna leave, but we don't want to say goodbye to our friends." Marco: "You love my mozzarella!" "She loves your balls, baby." "Yeah, my balls. Don't touch my balls!" "I love them!"
COMING UP: Do they prefer art or history? Let's manufacture a reality show pause!
COMING UP: Mike lays out!
We're (almost) halfway done!
During the break, there must have been a trip to the grocerie, because when we come back, everybody's carrying heavy bags full of provisions inside the house. Ron tells us that with the crew on their way to America, they're done with pasta, pizza, wine - it's time for barbecued American food! Here is the burger/sausage montage. Vinny is dubbed the Grill Master. Ron proclaims this the best day of his life. He tells us the fat kid inside him is in heaven right now. If I were trying harder, I'd find that weight-loss scam he's spokesperson for again, but I'm being lazy so you'll just have to find it in one of the other recaps. Make a game of it!
While eating, Pauly lets everyone in on a secret - he's pretty fucking pale right now and he's got to get back to Jersey. Everyone commiserates over their own respective shades of near-human skin. Pauly tells us he's still the tannest one in the house, but it's embarrassing to go out this pale. As soon as he gets back to Jersey, he's hitting the tanning salon. Who wants to leave Italy and go to Jersey? The show of hands looks to be unanimous, although Mike seems (deliberately?) cropped out of this shot. Vinny tells the group that before they leave, they're going to go on a proper sightseeing tour because somehow they've gone all this time without learning ANYTHING about Italy. "Sightseeing, and then packing, and then leaving." Jenni says there's one more "going out" in there as well.
Dinner is done and the girls are cleaning up! Vinny proclaims hell as frozen over. We see Jenni with broom in hand, pulling back a curtain - and finding all sorts of trash has found its way there. What a fastidiously tidy bunch of young adults! Snooki: "I might put this hot dog on my (bleep), I'm so horny." You figure it out. Vinny, to us: "Seeing Nicole cleaning is like seeing Mike with a condom - it just doesn't happen!" There may have been an edit in there. Pauly, as Nicole wipes down a glass tabletop. "What the (fuck) have you done with Snooki? I want the old Snooki back!" "All right, gimme a bottle of wine." Pauly laughs. Here's the obligatory shot of Deena falling down while mopping the floor. Pauly: "That was awesome! That was AWESOME! That was the best day of my whole entire life ever sine I been here!"
Over on the phone, Pauly is hovering while Vinny orders up a tour. Asked whether they're more interested in art or history, Vinny asks the group - we pause to get silent reaction shots spliced in of practically everybody. Vinny decides to ask for a little of each. Pauly: "This tour guide does not have any idea what he's getting himself into - we'll see what happens tomorrow." Pauly is very proud of Vinny for ordering up that tour. They'll meet their guide tomorrow in front of the duomo at 1. Pauly repeats and accentuates the point with the help of a sausage (which breaks).
Fast motion moon means the passage of time! Sleeping montage! And now it's a new day! Here's a shot of (Deena's?) ass in SHORE STORE boxers! "I have no clothes." We hope she finds something soon.
Here's Snooki, NOT falling out of her (breaking) chair while smoking out on the courtyard - and, lo and behold, Mike is out there on the couch as well. "I'm gonna miss you, Snooks." "What do you mean? We're not going anywhere." "I'm not, I'm probably not coming to Jersey." "Yeah right." Unfortunately, with both of them wearing shades we don't get to check for the rolling of any eyes. "I'm pretty positive the answer's no, and uh...I just can't - I just can't go straight, you know? Like, I need to put myself back together again, you knae?" "You're not going." "I go hard for too long and then I crash." In what sounds like a heavily edited voiceover, Snooki tells us that she wouldn't really miss Mike if he WEREN'T in Jersey - what he does is start drama, and nobody needs that. Mike just (bleeps) himself. "I just can't do it, yaknae? My mind's maede ape praetty maech." "I doubt it." "Dude, I'm telling you. I can't argue with everybody, it's too much stressful for me, I wear my heart on my sleeve, so..." "...well, it's your decision." "Yup." To us, Mike reveals that what he was REALLY doing was fishing for a compliment and he's actually surprised that Snooki didn't immediately beg him no, please, don't go...which, yes, says all you need to know about The Situation. "Here in Florence, I definitely turned the corner in a big way with all the roommates. You know what? You're not gonna be able to take advantage of The Situation anymore. I'm done with it." Again, this sounds like a heavily edited/cut-n-pasted series of statements. But they definitely got over a gist.
COMING UP: Statues have butts! And weiners!
LATER: Mike engages his MASTER PLAN of apology!
It's tour time! Snooki is already sweating and unhappy! They do NOT get lost on the way to the duomo and find that their tour guide (who Ron characterises as "a chubby little potato guy") has made himself conspicuous both in hat and in American flag. His bullhorn looks strikingly similar to the one from the pizzeria. Anyway, his name is BERNARDO and he is our guide for the day. Mike is disheartened to learn that this walking tour will involve a couple hours of walking. Here's the largest Duomo in Florence! I'm gonna guess it's this one (duomofirenze.it) (English link). Snooki's already sweating and miserable - she hates history and she hates walking. Fuck her life! Meanwhile, Jwoww is gonna pee herself.
They stop at a building, where Bernando identifies the room where Leonardo da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa. Everybody dutifully oohs and ahhs and takes pictures of the closed shutters. Vinny, to us: "Get the (fuck) outta here! I pass by that (shit) every day!"
Here's the Statue of Michaelangelo's David. Let us dwell on his erogenous zones. Deena lets us know that yes, the statue is pretty sexy. "I would do it." Snooki: "If I could change the statue of David, he would legit look like a guido. He could have a spray tan. And also, his wiener just doesn't cut it...but probably because he's soft." Let's dwell on it again.
What we are noticing is that Mike is stopping to sit away from the group whenever they all stop (and not sit) to have their attention drawn towards something...and the other folks are starting to notice at too as we find isolated reactions to Mike amongst the other seven. Mike says he just has to get away from the group every so often, comparing it to a "dad getting away from the kids" - so he's the DAD in this scenario. Mmmm-hmmmm.
We head inside a ... I dunno, I'll say "church" and probably be wrong - I CAN tell you the ceiling was painted by Giorgio Vasari (because that's what Bernardo said) - lots of murals, lots of beautiful painted surfaces. This leads into a discussion by Snooki of whether Cupid and "the babies with wings" are real because she saw a painting of them - I can't be getting that right...but perhaps I am. I think Bernardo swayed her away from that belief.
As we look at a large painting of the pope and some cardinals we zoom in on Mike sitting down on some nearby steps.
Here's another shot of the group looking at something while Mike sits nearby.
Here's ANOTHER. I think we have established the predelictions by now. Pauly tells us whether it's the group alienating him or him deliberately separating himself, "Mike's just never around." Here's a shot of Mike following far behind everyone else. Appropriately sad background music highlights our tension.
COMING UP: Mike's ready to make breakfast and manipulate his roommates! He's going! He can't wait to be the villain!
When we return, the tour is over - or Bernardo's part in it is, at least. The group is to head up to Piazza Michelangelo for a view and a drink at sunset. Everybody says "Ciao" a lot. Here's a van to take them there. After Jenni notes that it's a six seater, Snooki cheerfully offers "Well, bye Mike!" Mike is probably not one of those chuckling right now. They manage to get all eight in.
Vinny: "This tour gave meaning to the place I've been living in. I feel inspired. It was everything I thought it was gonna be and more." Because it's Purple day I will refrain from remarking on how gay he sounds right now.
This is Michaelangelo Square - and it IS quite a view. Pauly has an arm around Vinny: "This is beautiful, huh Vin?" "Yeah it is." Now...I didn't hear "Vin" - I heard "babe" but I'm willing to give the close-caption guy the benefit of the doubt. More photography - Ron says this is one of the best views he's had in his entire life - he points out the Ponte Vecchio (Old Bridge), and all the churches which they had just learned about earlier. They see a plane - "that's gonna be us!" Everybody poses for a group shot.
And now everyone's having a drink! Vinny and Pauly intertwine arms and look deeply into each other's eyes for a photo. More photo posing. Time has passed and all eight are around a table. Vinny designates Italy "interesting." Mike starts talking again - "Jenni's been mad calm this year." Jenni brings up the two nights she lost it with Snooki. Aw, they're already reminiscing and then trip isn't even over! Mike relives the wine bottle thrown at his head. Snooki, to us: "We're all together, we're all enjoying ourselves - even Mike is trying to, like, be a part of this family, so you know that's kinda nice of him." The drinks and watching the sun go down are just what they needed. They talk about what might have happened if the bottle had landed - Mike would have been in the hospital for sure - again! Mike, to us: "I got a master plan. The last night in Italy, beautiful sunset, the best view in Florence. It was really perfect timing for me to apologise." And sure enough... "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologise. I'm sorry. I apologise for anything I've ever done to you. I apologise if I caused any drama, you know, these past couple of weeks. Family is most important to me." Jenni: "I had no idea that was coming." Through the magic of editing, and this is probably unrelated, but somebody gives a rose to each of the ladies. Everybody thanks Mike (so maybe he DID buy them flowers, who knows?) Jwoww, to us: "Michael's apologies are always bull(shit) to me. It's the same (shit), different country."
Cabs are here! ** NOW PLAYING: Wallpaper. - F****** Best Song Everrr (soundcloud.com) ** Sam's gotta piss. Snooki's legs - "Oh my God, I feel like Forrest Gump." I...don't even know what that MEANS. And we immediately move to a "gettin' ready to go out montage" complete with an interlude for Snooki to squeeze Jwoww's boobs. Another round of limoncello and it's time to go out!
The last blast takes place at 2wenty-1ne (facebook.com) - Snooki says that the place is "crickets" when they get there, but that's actually not bad because they really want the place to themselves anyway. ** NOW PLAYING: Alex Cohen f/ Sasha Fox - Don't Be A Hater (Cha Cha Dub) (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** For perhaps the last time this season, IT IS THE DANCE MONTAGE!!
A kid wants to buy Pauly a shot - Pauly politely declines. Somehow in the process of all this, he brushes Mike, who turns and starts screaming: "Come on, bro, why you gotta bump into me, man? Do you want me to f*** you in the face right now? 'Cause I will. Right now! Get the f*** outta here. Kick you in your f****** head." Vinny: "What are you starting with little kids for? What is wrong with you, bro? You know you're messing with little kids right now, bro." To us: "Mike is on another planet right now. If you wanna be aggressive with somebody, be aggressive with someone your own size." Pauly: "Why'd he do that, though? That kid was harmless." I wonder if there was/what kind of subtext we just missed there. Pauly, to us: "Mike's starting some drama just because he wants attention. MAN nothing has changed."
Everybody's walking back. I get the impression Deena has thrown up at least once by now. Jenni (aka "Mom") has Snooki and Deena on either side of her, and they're all holding hands. Snooki insists she's fine to Mike, though.
Back at the house, Deena discovers that, once again, her bed has been disassembled - luggage has been placed on her bedframe, and her mattresses are far away. She takes a shot at Vinny and glares at Pauly (who innocently exclaims, "Don't look at me!") before attempting to move the mattress back onto the frame - and, naturally, falling over in the process (and almost cracking her head on an extended luggage handle). "So embarrassing - come ON!"
Later, Deena and Nicole decide to move every planter inside the house and out on the courtyard onto the kitchen table. I have NO idea why they think this is a good idea, but Snooki proclaims it the "best prank in Jersey Shore history." And we quickly leave this segment.
"Jersey Shore Reunion" is NEXT!
May this be the LAST night I have to see the Shot Fairies provide Sammi and Deena with Stacker 2 6 Hour Power extreme energy shots
No lie - this is an almost SIX MINUTE break to get us to the last segment of the season
Did Snooki ever get to sleep? She's waking up everyone - by humping them? And they're going to have a mimosa party.
Everyone sees the "secret garden" on the kitchen table and ... kinda shrugs. Sammi: "There's no controlling those two meatballs."
Bubbly POPPED! Pauly lets the world know this is the official official last breakfast in Italy. Snooki, to us: "Mike volunteered to make everybody breakfast because he wants everybody to think that he still wants to be a part of this family. He tries to manipulate people. We understand what you're trying to do, like, we're not stupid." Jury's still out. Everybody (mostly Snooki) moves foliage back to their original spots. Pauly: "Yo, you shoulda left one of those trees for a centerpiece." (Closed-captioner: "...centipede." That dude is SICK.)
Breakfast is just about ready, but we're still missing Ron, who slept in the smush room with the fan on its highest setting. Pauly and Vinny take it upon themselves to welcome him from the world of slumber by openly admiring his ass. Ron, to us: "I'm exhausted, but you can't be mad when you wake up to that."
Ron joins the group. Pauly: "We seen a used condom." Vinny: "Since when do you use those?" Pauly: "I thought you guys were trying." Everybody busts a gut laughing. Sammi tells us that everybody's in a fabulous mood because they're going home today. Pauly loves Italy but he's happy to get back to Jersey. Deena is happy they're in good spirits. That's Mike's cue: "I'm happy that we had a good last two good days. I was, like, contemplating not going, but I'm going." We take various reaction shots around the table. "You know, everything's all good." Vinny, to us: "I know that Mike deep down is a good person, but Mike's personality is just a hard one to deal with. What can I do except accept it, see what happens in the future?"
Somehow, Mike is cajoled into showing us his abs - which he hasn't done too much this season - and the ladies...are a little more sedate that you would have expected. "It's still there."
Mike: "Jersey - here I come! You know what, I always got something up my sleeve - and it's gonna be a Situation."
Mimosa toast to Jersey, bitch! It must be closing comments time!
Pauly D: "I'm real excited to get back to Seaside, I can't wait to go tanning, I'm gonna go tanning, then I'm gonna go tanning, then I'm gonna go tanning, I'm gonna go to the gym, then I'm gonna do laundry. GTL I miss the most." He has too much to pack. "DJ Pauly D PROBLEMS!"
** NOW PLAYING: The Submarines - The Sun Shines At Night (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** Snooki: "Sayonara, Italy." She's trying to use a vacuum cleaner on...I guess it's a bag that gets much smaller when you suck all the air out of it. I don't know if it's working because the nozzle of the vacuum appears to be stuck to her cheek right now. To us: "A lotta (shit) went down here in Italy - Mike and Ronnie fighting - Vinny and Pauly not bringing home girls, I mean, this isn't real life, so in Jersey, I think everything's gonna go back to normal." Finally, the vacuum is off her cheek. "Oh, that felt weird." No time to check for a hickey.
Looks like Vinny and Pauly have set up a baggage slide using mattresses to help them get their bags down the last half flight of stairs. Well, why the hell not.
Vinny: "My mother might be a little disappointed that I'm not bringing back a real authentic Italian wife home, but that type of thing takes searching for. I'm still on the hunt - we will meet some day."
Jenni and Snooki try to slide THEMSELVES down the mattresses - Snooki almost cracks her skull in the process of flipping off of it.
Mike does a toboggan run down the mattresses.
Ronnie: "This house is kinda like a foster home with eight adopted children. We fight, we argue, but in the end, everything always gets fixed and we love each other."
Deena slides a bag down - and doesn't let go soon enough, so she falls over and follows it down.
Sammi: "Italy was really, really cool...but Mike is such a (bleep) problem starter. It's like, something I feel needs to be done before it escalates into something crazy.
Mike: "I have no problem being the villain. I will take on the whole house at once. I'm wild, and I don't mind it, you knae? Some of the others just don't like drama."
Mike, from the confessional: "Say hello to the bad guy!"
Man, I hope they have Season 5 in the can before anybody can watch this episode! (I reckon it's already happened over the summer)
Pauly, as he closes the doors for the final time: "Como si dice 'Jersey, here we come!'"
Jenni and Deena: "We were also in this episode!"
Vans are loaded. Ron can't eat any more pasta. Snooki: "If our flight left without us, I'm gonna kill myself." SPOILER ALERT: She made it to the reunion show so the flight must not have left. Closing credits are up - and we are out.
Closing credits and UP NEXT: "Jersey Shore Reunion"
I...am not tackling the "Reunion" show. I apologise to all the Amy Paffrath stalkers out there. (Her shoes were BLUE.) Sorry you'll miss Snooki saying "I swam in Deena's piss. Whatever." On the plus side, they (and we) at least managed to get through three "Jersey Shore: After Hours" episodes AND this Reunion without once taking a question from any of the airheads in the audience...although it wouldn't have hurt for someone to say "hey, what's finger popping again?"
I hope you've enjoyed this series of recaps even more than I've enjoyed putting them together. If you HAVE, please let me know! Without feedback, I will surely shrivel up and die! If you can't or won't leave a response or private message here on the board, you can find me on Twitter via this post's signature, or just drop an old-fashioned email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Originally posted by dMpOh--Mike's Scarface impression was terrible.
Yes it is. I've seen little kids do terrible impressions and those were better than his weak ass try. This is only setting up some stupid crap he'll try doing in the next season, that will be stupid and not funny as well.
I would never, ever watch an episode of this show, but reading the recaps and feeling the pain you seem to go through from watching them and writing it down is very entertaining. If I ever were to watch this crap, it would be because of you (but I won't.)
You did a fantastic job of making shit seem like entertainment and I eagerly await the next season when you somehow talk yourself into doing this again. (you know you will.)
House Of Lies is pretty mediocre, which kills me since I so want to like a show with Cheadle, Kristen Bell and Jean-Ralphio in the cast. Perhaps the real winners of the Globes were Fey & Poehler, who absolutely killed their hosting duties.