EXCUSES: Instead of watching this show when it aired, I went to a museum. No, REALLY - I was at the opening of The 1968 Exhibit (the1968exhibit.org), which I heartily encourage you to go see when it hits YOUR museum, if you can't make it to the Minnesota History Center between now and February.
I really DID plan on writing this up as soon as I got home, but I had a strong desire to sleep which I didn't feel like fighting. Those of you who have endured my writing for any period of time will probably be able to predict my next sentence: And besides, I figured I'm getting paid the same amount either way....
CABLE GUIDE SPOILERZ:New, HD, "Situation Problems", (2011), Deena continues to pursue Pauly. Later, she and Snooki get an icy reception at a nightclub. Meanwhile, Mike is back to stirring up drama, prompting the whole house to turn on him. (Reality). So you can see...nothing so "must see" that I just HAD to get to it on Thursday...
PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: Snooki slept with Vinny! Sammi ratted out Mike's fake story and Snooki threw a bottle at him!
Get crazy! Get wild! Let's party! Get loud! If you wanna have fun let's do something crazy like watch episode 11 of season 4 of JERSEY SHORE! This ep premiered 10/13/11 on MTV in glorious WINDOWBOXING and is rated TV-14-DSLV! Exclamation points denote that THIS paragraph commemorates the Opening Credits!
We open with the cliffhanger from LAST week's episode (which I have to admit I totally forgot about) where Snooki came to a realisation that she had to confess her transgressions to Jionni, and called him up to do just that. I'm marking time until we get to the pause that denotes NEW FOOTAGE - if you really need to catch up (and you haven't already done so), go read last episode's recap (The W) and I'll be here when you get back. "...we had sex." OK. Oh, and ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S BOYFRIEND JIONNI, but we'll see if that holds through this phone call. After the pause and/or breathing noises, Jionni expresses some surprise that not an hour after he gives her a second chance, she's calling back with *this* news. Snooki tries to explain that she didn't remember it on account of she was so drunk, which I'm sure she thought would make everything all right. She is really laying on the apologies here and not really giving him a chance to get a word in. Finally, he gets to ask "What would you do if I did that to you?" "I would kill someone!" So she should probably understand how she's ruined him. Normal people, Jionni thinks, don't break up with their boyfriend and then go hump Vinny an hour later - well, on one hand he's correct but on the other hand I don't think anybody expects Snooki to fall into the "normal" camp. Snooki starts fanning herself - I think she did this last week, too, but I didn't note it. Is they is or is they ain't? Either way, she's already crying. Jionni finally answers "I don't know...I wanna be with you but I just don't know how I'm gonna get over this." This is affecting his head, his stomach AND his body! He says that right now, he can't call her his girlfriend. That's that. She doesn't want him going to some other girl. "What you did with Vinny, I don't know how we're gonna get through this." Finally, he breaks off the call.
Meanwhile, Vinny's been in the living room eavesdropping this whole time - perhaps wondering how quickly Jionni might try to kill him. "How'd he take it?" "We're working on things I guess - I'm not his GIRLFRIEND, but we're working on things." "Wanna cuddle?" "VINNY - you douche!"
Let's listen to some opera as time passes! As we flit from housemate to housemate, it appears that a cold has made its way through the house. Snooki needs a medicine! Pauly needs to loudly blow his nose! Snooki asks Deena for a hug - Vinny: "Cuddle? I'll cuddle. I'M free." Deena: "Stop being a creep." Man, Vinny's a dick. Snooki: "Could you tell Pauly to have sex with my friend, please?" Whoa, that's a turn. Also, Pauly's RIGHT there. "Deena wants to (fuck) you." "For real? Holy (shit)!" To us, Deena says "At this point I'm leaving soon, so ... me 'n' Pauly should do sex." Pauly says he doesn't want to wreck their friendship with sex. Also, his nose is bleeding. Deena doesn't seem to think that will get in the way. Vinny suggests she lick it and gets very graphic in demonstrating the tongue action and...man, this is hard to watch. Vinny tells us how hilarious it is when Deena hits on Pauly, because Pauly is too nice to tell her there's no chance in hell. They formulate their plans for tonight - sounds like they're going to Twice - Nicole is staying in sick, so she'll roll with them. "And then afterwards you and me can do sex." "For real?" Pauly makes a face to Vinny that indicates that he is horrified at the prospect. Vinny: "That's what up! Woo hoo!" Pauly tells us that acquiring a girl tonight is a MUST because he can't have Deena in his bed. "I'm not tryin' to smush Deena." Vinny continues egging them on - Deena says "I wanna go harder than you did with that one girl." Vinny whoops it up while Pauly ponders breaking the bed. Snooki: "I'm HORNY now."
Time passes and Nicole and Jenni are opting out while the other two girls spray on a tan and fix their hair, and Mike engages in some product placement by doing a Stacker 2 6 Hour Power EXTREME energy shot. ** NOW PLAYING: Megha Maan & Jumpshot Jones - Good Time (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** Everybody preens in front of the mirror with the camera behind it one more time - and we're off.
As was previously mentioned, we have ended up at TWICE (twiceclub.com) and it's time for - yes - a DANCING montage! Clever editing makes it look like Deena is doing nothing except staring at Pauly. Vinny understands the imperative - Pauly must find a girl because Deena has been saying ALL day how she wants to bang him. Deena now wearing comically large sunglasses - sure, why not. Here's a prospect for Pauly. "I'm really shy. I just got a dildo today!" Pauly, to us: "Yikes." Deena falls over. From off stage, a hand tests the strength of Pauly's hair. "You're not supposed to touch a guy's hair." "You know what? F*** that s***, I can touch whatever the f*** I want." Surprisingly, this come on does NOT work on Pauly. "I don't think so." To us: "This girl's not touching THIS blowout." Sammi and Ronnie are taking off - Sammi reminds Pauly that Deena will need some help getting home. Ronnie: "I don't want you to f*** her, dog." "Oh no." ** NOW PLAYING: Wallpaper. - #STUPiDFACEDD (soundcloud.com) ** Deena is stupid facedd, I guess. Lovely shot of her adjusting her top and/or cleavage. Clever editing cuts to Pauly with a disapproving shake of his head. Pauly meets ANOTHER lovely girl named Nicole, but she can't come home because she has to take her friends. I don't know what that means, but Pauly tells us he struck out. "I see the condition that Deena is in ... I myself am in trouble."
They all share a cab home. I have NO idea where The Situation ended up in all this. "Pauly, do you wanna have sex?" Vinny: "OH my God." Pauly again says that if they have sex, she'll "break up with me from friends." This gets Vinny to giggle for some reason. To us, he says that Deena's horny and Pauly's alone - he's "definitely part of the I Double-F right now." That's a "Jersey Shore" callback - the "IFF" is the "I'm Fucked Foundation." All the way up the stairs Pauly talks about how chicks get FEELINGS after sex is involved - ask Vinny, he fucks him in the ass. Vinny says yes, after Pauly fucked him in the ass, they've never been the same. Wait - what? Ignoring, let's move on - Vinny tells us that the real reason Pauly won't do her is "he doesn't like meatballs - you know what I mean?" Wait - so he DID do Vinny up the....naaaaaah
Sammi and Ronnie are still up, so Pauly confesses to them that he doesn't wanna fuck Deena tonight. Meanwhile, Deena is trying to enlist Vinny to the cause. "It's not gonna happen." "Shut up." To us, Deena can't figure out why, if Nicole and Vinny can do sex and still be cool, why can't she and Pauly do sex and still be cool? Well, first of all....nobody says "do sex," so that's strike one right there. "I think I'm pretty. You know?" Secondly, OH MY GOD STOP MAKING THAT FACE.
Pauly explains how if he fucks her, it'll ruin their friendship, but not fucking her will ruin their friendship as well. Ronnie finds all this hilarious. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." Ronnie: "No. Damned if you do." Deena walks back into the living room. "Listen...I am a good (fuck)." Sammi: "DEENA." "And I have no shame." Sammi lets us know that this really isn't the way to go. "No, no, Deena." "I only do sex with the guys that I actually care about, and I care about Pauly, so I (mercifully bleeped)." Pauly: "Deena, I would knock the dust off that (pussy) if we weren't friends. Just sayin'." I think Pauly is attempting to be nice by lying. Ronnie and Vinny convulse with laughter. Vinny, from the confessional room, tells us how Pauly has said all day how he wants to find Deena in his bed, then starts making noises the closed captioner spells as MERHP, MERHP, MERHP, and he's like YEAH, YEAH, OH YEAH, OH YEAH, WAKE UP YEAH, (FUCK) DEENA YEAH. On her way out, Pauly tells Deena her (tits?) are falling out. "No it's not, (asshole) - F***ing hate this place." Ronnie proclaims her "piss drunk" and she probably won't remember any of this in the morning anyway. "I feel bad, though. I should have (fucked) her." Again, Ronnie dies laughing from Pauly's deadpan delivery.
COMING UP: Mike starts another fight in another club!
LATER: Vinny thinks people need to confront Mike!
BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD ARE COMING (AGAIN)
Tonight's show is brought to you by Stacker 2 6 Hour Power EXTREME Energy Shot
I'm not sure that including "Jersey Shore" clips will make you any more likely to see the new "Footloose" - eh, who knows
It's morning in Florence, and Deena didn't get a whole lotta sleep. She tells the other girls that she had a breakdown last night. "I miss penis, and the guys here suck." Sammi relays Deena's proclamation of being a good fuck and Jenni reacts appropriately. Deena apparently remembers enough to recount Pauly saying they'd fuck if they weren't friends. Deena keeps saying how she misses penis. We do NOT need to know this! Jenni: "She had the vagina for a while." "Yeah."
Here's a gratuitous look at the statue of David's penis on our way to transition to ANOTHER PASSAGE OF TIME! Nicole is feeling well enough to go out so spray tan is applied - she and Deena are going out. Snooki tells us she's freaking out about Jionni and needs to get her mind off things, and drinking "with my meatball" will certainly accomplish that. Deena has put on her cowboy hat, which is some sort of international sign of business being sure to pick up - not that the hot pants aren't also a dead giveaway.
"We look so cute right now. We belong in Jersey with these outfits." Edit to Deena's first trip up in her heels. And now they're at ASTOR (astorcafe.com) and ready to PARTY and the guy out front seems really excited about this (but not really). "Where's the DJ at?" asks Deena while standing on the bar. Oh boy. Everybody in the place seems to be enjoying the spectacle at least. Nicole says it doesn't matter if it's 11AM, Team Meatballs can make it happen anywhere. ** NOW PLAYING: The New F-O's - The Wall (myspace.com) ** This appears to be the Jersey Turnpike. And now Nicole falls off of...I think she was standing on a chair while doing "robot" moves. "Usually when normal people fall, they get really embarrassed - me, I just get up, cover up my kooka and I just start dancing again. Party doesn't stop!" Deena teaches a young girl how to Jersey Turnpike - with her parents' permission, of course.
Back at the house, Pauly is checking his electronic grooming implements - they haven't shorted out. Pauly proclaims the bathroom disgusting - and he decides to use a disgusting toothbrush which someone has left out to clean all the shmutz out of the clippers. He tells Vinny what he did - Vinny approves, saying that whoever leaves out a nasty toothbrush in this nasty bathroom deserves to have it used to clean up clippers.
While Vinny fires up the clippers to use on Pauly (and they engage in a little barbershop talk, as Vinny recalls Muhammad Ali knocking out Joe Louis), in walks Mike and I think you can see where this is going - toothpaste applied to toothbrush, and Mike starts brushing away while Pauly and Vinny try to suppress their laughter. To us, Vinny: "On one side of me, I feel a little bad, but on the other side I'm like 'yes...yes...this is awesome.'" More stifling of laughter and use of clippers to drown it out. Pauly tells us he couldn't believe Mike picked up the toothbrush, but even more, he couldn't believe he DIDN'T NOTICE. Surprisingly, this does not qualify as the best day of Pauly's life.
Back to Deena and Nicole, who are staggering out of Astor fairly toasted, and not particularly noticing that they are walking in or out of anyone else's way. Deena tells us that the Team Meatball motto is "go hard or go home" but I think they're doing both. Anyway, there'll be more drinking tonight - look forward to that!
And now it's tonight - that was fast. Deena must be less drunk as she's preparing herself for the night out - as are all these other people. I need you to know that Deena is dangerously low on underwear, so she's going to wear one of Snooki's. Pauly: "TELL ME you busted out the communion shoes, bro!" I guess those are Vinny's communion shoes. Vinny says this is their last Saturday night in Italy so they want to get a little decked out. Ron and Sam impress each other with their outfits. Deena shows off her furry boots - no heels for her tonight! - then climbs up on the table to dance, but knocks her head on the chandelier instead. Pauly denotes that as "guidette problems" and I think that's the Twitter meme for this week. Guido problems are problems that only guidos have - OHHHHHHHHH. "We're losing our tan - we haven't been to the gym - guido and guidette problems!" It ain't no "she's too young for you, bro," that's for sure. Let's all look in the mirror/into the camera! ** NOW PLAYING: The Mansion Boys - Go Out Tonight (soundtrack.mtv.com) **
Tonight we're at Blanco Beach Bar (facebook.com) - here's yet another DANCE MONTAGE filled with BLURRY PEOPLE! Deena and Nicole have picked up some flashing mouse ears, and Jenni has picked up a very worried face. "Is my vagina out?" Nicole is sticking her butt WAY OUT. Sammi also makes a face. "You're in Mom mode, like me." "Yeah, I am, a little bit." Sammi tells us she always seems to fall into Mom mode. "Oh God...boobs." They decide to go off and get a drink. "Cheers - to not being Mom." "Well, we're going to end up being Mom." They attempt to agree on trying to have fun before that happens.
Somehow, there ends up some chanting and gesturing towards our four gentlemen - and it doesn't sound like the admiring kind. I don't know how it started, but we key in on Mike doing a lot of "F*** you" out towards random blurry people. Is it the Nazi heil? I dunno. "That means shame." Well, somebody is shaming our heroes. Maybe they're not fans of the show. Vinny notes that Mike is screaming, pumping his chest out, being pretty belligerent...mostly because Security is nearby and he acts really tough when he's got security between himself and the people he's taunting. Somebody else tells Vinny they're chanting "piece of s***" and Vinny says he knows, man, he knows. Vinny tells us it ain't right because Mike is going to get every one of them involved. Ronnie actually seems ready to throw down, and Pauly says he's also ready...although I don't know if he's really got his heart into it. Ronnie tells us that they're chanting shame, shame, shame, and now he's hoping somebody starts something. Back to Mike, who is SCREAMING again. Ronnie is ready to go! Now even Pauly is making unkind hand gestures. What will happen? Well...we'll take an ad break is what will happen.
COMING UP: Deena and Nicole's personal space is violated one too many times and there ARE repercussions!
LATER: Mike pisses off Deena until she throws something at him!
Mike is still yelling as we come back. Ronnie tries to make a move, but Security stops him. "No. Can't go." Mike is still yelling at the main blurry guy. "Mangia you...I'll f****** eat you." Is this a super big insult in Italy? He's gonna...EAT him? All right Sitch. The chant continues. Pauly: "Cabs are here!" So they make their way out...flanked by Security. Someone manages to knock Mike's cap off his head, but he catches it. "Stupid people, Mike, stupid people." Vinny again reminds us that when bouncers are nearby, Mike is a lot more bold than when they are not. The girls meet back up with them and they head back. Pauly: "I'm into girls, I'm not into drama, so I'm ready to go back home." In the cab, Pauly and Vinny share another tender moment. "It almost got crazy in there." "But I don't care about nobody in the house except for you." "Same here." But Pauly's into girls!
Deena is unhappy that the night is ending sooner than she would like - I believe "MEHRR" is uttered. So she and Nicole end up going to Central Park (centralfirenze.it) while Sam and Jwoww go home. ** NOW PLAYING: Heavy Young Heathens - Gone Stamos (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** "My nipple's out." Jwoww tells us she can only be Mom at Central Park, so instead, she's going home and to bed. In fact, the biggest drama for Jwoww is whether or not she'll make it to the toilet BEFORE she starts peeing.
Back to Team Meatball, who are dancing - but seemingly attracting too much interest. Nicole stops to tell a nearby chap to stop screaming in her ear, he's annoying, and please go away. Deena demands another lad back up - and he almost swipes her hand away. Deena says they're getting harrassed. It DOES appear that they're the only girls in a swarm of a dozen or so dudes (give or take a cameraman). Deena: "They were, like, making fun of us! Maybe it was the boots." They end up at the bar to try to recollect themselves. From somewhere, they get showered with ice. It then appears that a bartender throws the contents of a drink at Snooki - this flips a switch in her and she starts shoving every bottle on the bar onto the floor behind the bar. Security quickly steps in and carries them off - impressively, one dude handles BOTH of them at the same time! Snooki tells her side of it from the confessional while we watch this go on. Deena's ready to try to go back but Snooki and a security dude prevent it. "Get me out of here because I'm ready to go back there and (fuck) them up." Fortunately, the cab is already on the way home as she's saying this.
Deena hasn't stopped raving the entire trip, it looks like. "We actually proved we actually have manners and we actually have, like, respect for other people."
COMING UP: Nicole and Deena go out AGAIN!
Here's a Jersey Shore Travel Tip! Tip #73: Avoid surprises with your bed (as in, don't let Vinny and Pauly drag it into the living room) - this travel tip is brought to by HAMPTON HOTELS!
Look at the Trojan Pleasure Lab! I bet all those couples lookin' to GET IT ON are married, though, so no problemo
Let's take one more look at the circumstances which led to the latest cab ride. Deena still has an ice cub in her bag! She's ANGRY! She will (fuck) you up! Sam and Ron, in the kitchen, are a little incredulous. Jwoww begs for calm - and doesn't get it. Snooki tries to relay the story of what just happened but Deena keeps yelling. Ronnie wisely steps out. "The Meatballs are drunk and I feel like I'm in a Snoopy episode 'cause all you hear is (poorly imitates sound of adults on Peanuts special) ...FML." Deena is still ranting and Jenni is trying to figure out the quickest way to get her to go rant far away from her. To us, she says that she's actually happier hanging out with Sam right now - go figure! Deena and Nicole finally make their way to the courtyard. Deena could knock someone out even if she's small. Even SNOOKI is telling Deena to frickin' relax already. They take turns breathing. "Meatball problems." Snooki decides they should hot tub it!
They open up the hot tub, which I don't recall anybody using besides Vinny and Ronnie that one time. Snooki says she's going in with her clothes on, because she's fat. Deena says she has to pee and if you guessed Snooki would suggest she just pee in the hot tub, you have clearly been paying just enough attention to this show and perhaps YOU'D like to write this recap.
The hot tub is too hot! Snooki is scalding herself! "Burning your kooka in the hot tub - meatball problems!" I guess I was wrong - Pauly didn't sell this meme NEARLY as much as Snooki is trying right now. Well, they're burning up - but I think they like it! ** NOW PLAYING: Hogni - Been Out of Town (The W at Amazon) **
It seems early because the sun is up. Dare they go out again? Why not, it's only Sunday morning. So they change outfits AGAIN. Montage of other sleepy people. Snooki proclaims her look comparable to that of a "two cent hooker." "You look like a hooker? So do I." They have no idea where they're going! Deena, to us: "We're Jersey - you WISH you looked like this at 7:30 in the morning." Uhh actually...
They get a lot of horn honks, at least. I THINK that's a complimentary? They end up at a cafe and politely inform the server that they're not hookers; they're from Jersey. Snooki tells us that at this point they're tan girl wasted, but looking to get Meatball wasted. Doesn't anyone ever puke on this show? Snooki says they will crash a bit, but it'll get better. This is just like a Memorial Day weekend! They'll be fine! "Meatball power!" And yet...Deena says she's dying. "Can't I juswt sleep for two seconds and then we'll go play?" And it looks like they both pass out on the table.
Meanwhile, everybody else wakes up! Oops, looks like Deena and Nicole have been kicked out for sleeping. It would be comical if it weren't so sad. They DO manage to make it back to the house. Pauly is up: "Walk of shame - yeah buddy!" "Pauly shut up." "Holy leopard skin! What do they put in the alcohol in this country?" Through the magic of editing, we see Deena AND Snooki take turns drunkenly falling out of their respective beds. ** NOW PLAYING: The Diamond Light - Oh Yeah (soundtrack.mtv.com) **
Ronnie says it's the final Sunday family dinner and it's cookin' time. We see him grilling AND setting the grill on fire. (And that's not easy to do!) Pauly: "FIRE - FIRE - FIRE - FIRE - FIRE" Ronnie takes a fire extinguisher to the grill. "I feel like a fireman - fat women they're jumping on my trampoline, I was just like that's what's up." I...need to go back and make sure I heard him correctly. Oh, and Pauly says this is the best day of his life on the grill. With the barbecue burned, Ronnie now has to go grocery shopping for Sunday dinner. He asks Sam if she wants to go shopping with him - she's thinking clothing stores and is less enthralled when she learns it's for groceries, but goes with him anyway. Sam tells us she's going to try to make her own sausage and peppers tonight. ** NOW PLAYING: Dandylion Warpaint - Hot Tamale (soundcloud.com) **
They're back - and Deena's up and barely alive! She does manage to tell Sammi she looks pretty. Later, Jenni asks her if she'll do the dishes, and she says no. Mike happens to be walking by and adds "She never does anything." This brings Deena back to life. "I don't like you." "I don't like you either." "Do some dishes. Be a woman! Do something!" "Shut the (fuck) up!" and she throws...some kitchen utensil at him.
(I didn't notice this until I got the screengrab, but Ronnie and Pauly are also doing some kind of "use your arms from behind my back as if they were mine" old time comedy routine)
COMING UP: Everybody hates Mike! Oh, I guess it was a spatula - thanks, Vinny!
LATER: Mike is stuck in the bathroom! Will anyone help him get out?
Ronnie & Snooki (& Snooki & Snooki) endorse "Just Dance 3" for the Xbox 360 with Kinect! God help us all...can you imagine three Snookis? Also, when are Ronnie and Snooki ever going to be alone playing video games?
Let's relive the end of the previous segment - and continue! Mike says don't make him go low blow, because he will. Deena takes this to mean the fat jokes are coming - but he calls EVERY woman fat. "I can lose weight for free! But you need about ten grand to fix your (fucking) face!" Mike laughs at that.
Deena joins Vinny and Pauly in the living room. "Do your thing girl! I think the Meatballs are jumpy!" "Weren't you telling me he was your best friend in the house, like, two days ago?" Haa...Vinny's such a dick. Deena NO SELLS it! "No, that's not what happened, Vinny." "I'm kidding you." "Yeah, you guys have got to (fucking) get your story straight before she throws a spatula at YOUR head." This may be the magic of editing, but Mike is back in the kitchen (with the implication that he is within earshot) as Vinny remarks: "You know people don't like you if every day you either get punched in the face, you have to run into a wall, champagne bottles thrown at your head, and then spatulas."
Snooki is amazed that Sammi is cooking "in a dress that you would never wear!" Jenni: "Bitch, you're gonna do dishes." Sam tells us that yeah, she and Jenni are getting along although they normally do not because they're ...both bitches. "Who would have thought?" They both laugh that two mostly-enemies are actually cooking next to each other and being pretty cool about it. They both are already tired of hearing Deena say "Meatball PROBLEMS!" Jwoww tells us that inbetween all the fighting, they have managed to develop a better friendship than she never thought she'd have with her.
EATING MONTAGE! Pauly offers a toast. He's had some of the best days of his life out here! Vinny says that being here should really help them appreciate what they're going to have when they're back in Jersey - yes, we're already looking forward to the next season - "I'm glad we're leaving." Yes, everybody hates Italy. Snooki is looking forward to Karma. She misses the Shore! Sam said she loved Italy, because for once she didn't have issues with everybody else in the house and it felt pretty (fucking) good. "We still have a couple days left." "I know, that's why I'm knocking on wood!" Everybody loves everybody! Let's have fun in Jersey! You know what's NOT said? A HUNDRED GRAND AN EPISODE. Somehow this quickly moves to Vinny already trying to stake a claim for "his" room at the house. Sammi doesn't want to go upstairs again, though. Sammi tells us she was looking for "compromisation" on the room, but Vinny was being a little bitch about it. She wants to know why he, Pauly and Mike can't room together. Vinny say "Mike brings drama into different situations, and we're not like that. We're drama free." Mike fails to say "Hi, I'm over here" but instead leaves. Sam tries to get his opinion on the way out, but he says "put me wherever you want to, I don't care." To us, he says that Vinny's a young kid and can't handle drama like he can. Vinny says he and Pauly have a great thing and they sleep in that room - Pauly interjects "sometimes together" - Sam isn't happy about this and tells him to do what he gotta do, just it's fucking complete bullshit. Aw, but a minute ago she LOVED everybody! "Fight me for it - like, you know what I mean?"
Back in her room, Ron catches up to Sam. "That's like the (fucking) immaturish (bleep) (bullshit)" - and now she wants to know why he didn't speak up. "What do you want me to say to him?" "I'm the only one SCREAMING at the (fucking) kid." "What do you want me to - what, you want me to fight the kid over a (fucking) room?" "I can't live with that (fucking) douchebag in that room. It's bad luck." "You're gonna get mad at me?" "Just leave me alone."
Over to Snooki and Deena alone at the kitchen table. They also do not like Mike and don't want to room with him. Nicole says they need to just put Mike somewhere. "Like, in the garbage can." "Why don't we just say that?" "'Cause you can't do that. Mike should just take the freakin' couch."
In the living room, Pauly shouts out "oooh - secret!" and Nicole says it's not a secret that she can't live with Mike. Mike chuckles at this, and Nicole asks why he's laughing when she's being so serious. "You guys are not really gonna have to worry about it, 'cause I probably am not gaeing to Jersey." "If you wanna leave...BYE."
COMING UP: Mike threatens to eat another Italian!
OK, so here's this ad for "The Sims Pets" - shouldn't they just go ahead and call it "The Sims Furries" and stop people from lying to themselves?
Once again, we relive the end of the previous segment - and continue! Mike is so tired of fighting. Deena is skeptical! "I don't consider you a friend." "Dude, everybody in this house agrees with us - even if they don't say it." "What did you say, Snooks?" "I thought you were different and you're not." "I am different." "No, you're not. You're a (dick)." "I'm not a (dick)." Left alone with Pauly, Mike...keeps talking. "I just - I just don't know how to take the high road like you do. You always take the (fucking) express lane." "Yeah, but I'm not perfect, though, I got my issues too, you know?" "You just deal with your issues better than I do." "No flash." And Pauly leaves him alone in the living room. Cue the sad piano! Oh, and I'm pretty sure we have a "Situation wearing Abercrombie" sighting!
Now a little calmer, Sam meets a smoking Ronnie out in the courtyard and says that she's not mad at him - she just can't live with Mike again. That's also why she bugged out on Vinny. When Mike was separated from them, that's the best she's ever been. Ron says every time they've had drama, it's been because of him. (Oh, REALLY.) This conversation doesn't continue because Mike joins them out on the courtyard. Sam cuts it short as Ron says "it is what it is, and that's what it's gonna be." They both decide to leave Mike alone. Sad Mike smokes! To us: "I have no problem, you know, standing by myself - not too many can. You know, none of them in the house can actually stand by themselves except me. That's why they like to gang up on me, because I'm strong." Strong...in his denial. ** NOW PLAYING: Vinnie Ferra - Bad For Business (vinnieferra.bandcamp.com) **
Sam calls Vinny over to explain herself - having been reminded of all the bullshit previous with Mike made her go a little nutso. Vinny says he has issues of his own with Mike. "So...I think he's either gonna have to change or leave. You know what I mean?" I think they agree! But nobody hugs it out.
Vinny comes to the living room, where Jwoww is excited that he's going to do something important! "Whoever Mike's been (fucking) with has to tell him, like, 'yo, you can't do this anymore.'" Jenni things it's a lost cause. Vinny again says Mike either needs to leave or change. He gets that everybody in the house doesn't like him. Pauly tells US that "MVP" is dead - he's around them, sure, they are acquainted with him, but it's just VP now. "Mine and Vinny's relationship is BEAUTIFUL."
This somehow segues into Vinny crawling into Pauly's bed. "Lights!" Deena: "What the hell?" "My man Vinny LOVES me. We have a bromance - and we get it in." Pauly unfurls a condom to everyone's delight. Deena: "Can I watch?" Vinny gets on all fours. Deena: "Oh, wow, you're the one? I always figured." You can kinda tell Deena is more pissed than joking, which just adds another layer of funny to this whole "out of left field" turn we've taken. To us: "I mean, I'M trying to do sex with Pauly. How is it not gonna ruin their friendship?" I mean...she's GOTTA be kidding, right? ...right? Nicole wanders in and for some reason Vinny starts making up a story about how he was going to his own bed, tripped and ended up here, and the condom wrapper just opened itself, and...you know, there's a suspicious damp spot on Vinny's shirt. I'M JUST SAYING. Deena: "I saw the whole thing." Snooki: "Was it hot?" "It was really good." As Pauly throws the condom on the floor, Snooki asks them to do it again - also, why would they do that without her? I hope ALL these people are kidding.
Fast motion clouds! It's a new day! Deena is drying her hair and Mike wants to use the bathroom - she lets him by and continues on her way. Next thing we hear is Mike calling out because he has somehow gotten himself locked in. Deena is in silent hysterics. To us: "I have told Mike not to use my bathroom before, and it's kinda like karma's a bitch!" Deena tugs on the handle but it's not moving. Mike is narrating to nobody. "Can somebody help me here? Because I really don't wanna kick it down. ... I WILL kick it down."
As we relive the closing moments of the previous segment, I kinda doubt we'll end the show with Mike still in there...actually, doesn't he have one more Italian dude to eat? Deena fetches Ronnie (deep in his regiment of pushups on his bedroom floor) to provide some assistance. Ron thinks maybe they should leave him living in the toilet. Ron uses some muscle and yanks the door AND the frame forward. Somehow, the door comes apart from the frame (which is now sticking out in a rather unsightly manner) and I'm guessing this particular door won't be closing for the rest of this trip. Mike says he was gonna kick it down "but I didn't wanna be mean," whatever THAT means. Ron speculates that Mike was going to get all "crane kick" on it but "he actually used his head for once - well, not like he did on the wall, but he used his head." And that's the end of THAT chapter.
And all of a sudden it's night again! I'm actually not sure WHICH day it must be at this point - I think they might be jumping around on us. But anyway, everybody's preparing for a big night! Pauly D: "Yo I got the freshest blowout in Firenze!" Deena: "I think you have the only blowout in Firenze." "Either way - who's hating?" Looks like Nicole is staying in again.
While walking to wherever, Deena asks Pauly: "If you didn't know me would you f*** me?" "Hell yeah!" "Cool."
Tonight's destination is YAB (yab.it). Everybody's having a good time! DANCE MONTAGE! Ron says every night in Jersey and Italy should feel like it does tonight - a good time, no drama! Hmm...maybe it's Snooki! We see Ronnie, Vinny and Pauly having fun - and then we see Mike off on a couch by himself. "Everybody's having fun right now, and I kind of felt alone."
Next thing we know, Mike is off to the bar. "I went to the bar to get one last drink and some guy looked at me the wrong way." I think it must have been his BEARD. Anyway, Mike quickly gets with the names and the threats to fuck him up, and attracts a lot of attention (oh, and of course there's security between them) - Pauly tells us that because Mike knows he's got them, he starts it up. Ron tells us that if Mike starts something, he's not going to be behind him this time. As Mike again threatens to eat a motherfucker, he tells us: "Who's got your back when you're fighting? You turn around and look: who's witchoo? You know who your friends are." We alternate between shots of a lonely Mike and the other fellas doing their own thing far away from him. "And it's just me."
Mike's outside the club now. Is he wearing silver socks? "Whew!" ** NOW PLAYING: MENEW - Fighter Orphan (soundtrack.mtv.com) ** Mike narrates for our benefit as he makes it home: "Situation in the crib! I'm about to beat somebody the (fuck) up." Back at the bar, Ron licks Pauly - now they Euro kiss. Deena's ears are lighting up. Jenni makes a face. Everyone's having a good time!
Back to Mike: "I'm always the bad guy. I can only imagine when there's no bad guy. Who's gonna be the bad guy? Situation? No problem." Well...at least he left Snooki alone. We hope.
NEXT TIME: Time enough to sightsee one last time! Do they care more about art or history? Cue blank looks! Statue penis and ass! Ron tells Mike he's got to try to fix the bridges he's burned...if he can't fix 'em...he's gotta go. "REALLY." "Yes." And were out.
As the closing credits roll, why don't you learn more about "Jersey Shore Featured Artist" Wallpaper.? This is "F****** Best Song Everrr" (it's not really) and you can check out more by watching the video at liquidtelevision.com. "Liquid television..." hmm, that sounds familiar....20 years ago...
Hmmm, we're getting closer. (Now if I could get back to posting this on Friday when it would do you some good...) TOP PREORDERS OF THE WEEK 1 1 The Veronica Mars Movie (The W at Amazon) 2 3 The Veronica Mars Movie (Blu-ray + UltraViolet)