CABLE GUIDE SPOILERZ:New, HD, "Damage is Done", (2011), The boys visit Vinny's family in Sicily, while the girls head to Tuscany for a wine tour. Later, Snooki learnd the truth about her and Vinny's hookup, and she decides to come clean to Jionni. (Reality).
PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: Goodbye Jionni! Snooki cries! Jionni calls Snooki a pig! Mike puts a move on Snooki! Snooki climbs into bed with Vinny! And somehow that took AN ENTIRE HOUR!
Opening Credits - THIS is Episode 10 of Season 4 of JERSEY SHORE! It premiered 10/6/11, airing in stunning windowbox on MTV. Tonight's show is Closed Captioned, en espan˜ol sea disponible, and rated TV-14-DLSV because it's got it allllllllllllllll
It's a new day and Snooki wakes up to...find she's still in Vinny's bed. Somehow, this takes her by surprise. She repeats her internal monologue for our benefit. "What the (fuck) just happened? What did you just do?" She hightails it back to her room, but instead of getting more sleep, she hassles Jwoww out of bed and to brunch. Snooki's not normally up at 7am, you see, but sleeping in Vinny's bed will change a lot of things. An exasperated Jenni is up. Snooki needs a girlfriend to talk to. "Dude, I waited up all night for you - where were you?" "I went to (fuckin') Vinny's bed." Jenni reacts appropriately. "Jenni at this point I don't give a (fuck). I don't care if me and Jionni are done 'cause he sucks (dunno - let's go with "balls") To us, she says she wouldn't cheat on Jionni, but she did say they were done on the phone, so she did go crazy - she proclaims it a "rebound reaction." "How drunk were you?" "Not that drunk." Jenni says she needs to talk to her about Mike and specifically all the stuff he said the previous night about the blow job he got from Snooki. (Hey, is blowjob one or two words?) "I was like, 'she will *never* choose you over Jionni, get that through your head,' and he goes 'well, she (fucking) sure as hell chose me over Jionni when she was (sucking) my (dick).'" "CRAZY PANTS! You're crazy pants!" To us, she admits that she watched Ryder getting with "his friend, and that was hot," but she didn't get with Mike. She recalls Mike being pretty upset about getting turned down, "because he's not used to rejection. I want to hairspray him in the face right now." Somehow, Mike is awake and wanders in wondering about all the screaming. Uh huh. Snooki tells him to get out. He's incredulous. He tells Snooki that maybe she should talk to him before letting all her friends tell her what he's been saying. It's all good between them! She repeats that he's so mean and get the fuck out of her room already. Mike gets a little more belligerent - "Talk to me first! I'm always nice!" Yeah, he sure SOUNDS like Mr. Nice there. They decide to agree on not being friends - yet Mike STILL won't leave. "All day, baby!" "Fine." To us, Mike says that Snooki is like "The Fugitive" right now, "...and I'm harboring information." I'm not even sure what that means or if that's a metaphor, or...let's move on.
"I just need my best friend, so I'm like, 'Jenni...we're going to get mimosas.'" Yes, clearly the answer to all of Snooki's problems lies with alcohol before 8am. Jenni: "I'm so tired right now, you crazy whore." Snooki: "They better have mimosas at this breakfast, 'cause if they don't, I'm going back to Jersey." ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS AN EPISODE. Meanwhile, Mike decides that it's up to him to teach Nicole a lesson "and the truth needs to come out." Yes, clearly the answer to all of The Situation's problems lies with a phone call to "my boy Unit" to refresh his memory about just what went down at that fateful night when he was busy banging Ryder.
ON THE PHONE: MIKE'S FRIEND THE UNIT - I believe at one point this dude probably had a Christian name, but here on Jersey Shore we don't like getting bogged down with so many NAMES with these people. "Yo, you remember when you were banging Snooki's friend Ryder?" is how I want all MY phone calls to start. "Somehow that story got out," says Mike, failing to add "because I blabbed it all over the house." He needs some mad arguments settled. He was banging Ryder, and Snooki got a little horny, and got on her (beep) real quick - what, they bleeped out "knees?" - or can that be something else? Ah, bleepers, you are confounding me this week. Unit doesn't actually confirm all this, saying instead "you put her on blast on that." To us, Mike reveals that Snooki turned "from 4'9" to...about 2'9", you knae whaet aem saeng?" and that's the strangest accent he's ever affected. He goes on to tell us how Snooki asked him to never ever, ever, ever, ever say anything, and he said "pinky swear" and shows us his pinky. I can't help but feel that this whole thing says a whole lot about Mike!
Meanwhile, Snooki and Jwoww have ended up at Caffè Megara (no website), where they engage in public displays of affection and reach an agreement that Jionni sucks. Also, Snooki really needs that drink. "Come si dice ...mimosa?" Two mimosas are brought to the table - both for Snooki (Jwoww might take a sip from one). Snooki is worried that she'll come off as the bad person, but Jenni tells her he pushed her too far, and that she's a good girlfriend. I'm not sure that's entirely accurate as far as portrayals go, but Jenni's trying hard to be a BFF here. Snooki says if she WAS a good girlfriend, "well, not anymore. I just wanted to cuddle. I love him as, like, a best friend." Oh, she's talking about VINNY here. "Did you have sex?" "No." To us, she admits that actually she doesn't remember if they had sex or not, which seems less definitive an answer. I'm figuring, you know, he (bleeped) on me." Again, I am at a loss for which verb failed to escape the censor's wrath. SLURP. "I love mimosas." "I love sleep."
Back at the house and there's doin's a-transpirin'. Mike promises a little GTD, "Gym/Tan/Drama" - but then, to us, it's "Gym/Tan/Who's the Rat?" Mike does a lot of thinking out loud for Ronnie's benefit, then relays the happenings of a few hours ago. Mike has hatched a new plan - he's going to lie to all his roommates and then see which one rats him out to Snooki. Umm...I'm not sure what the goal is here. He's going to get back respect by lying to everybody? Anyway, he tells Ronnie that he gave Unit Jionni's number and told him to tell him what's up. We see that Sammi was walking by when Mike said this, so that's two seeds planted. He tells Ron "GTD" again. Mike tells US that he didn't give Unit Jionni's number; the call was just him and Unit yukkin' it up about good times bangin' Ryder. I wonder what Ryder thinks of this episode! (Through the magic of Twitter, we...still don't know. It appears Ryder was watching the Yankees game (@Ryder__).) Mike tells us that Sam "accidentally" walked by, but he's planted the seeds and now it's Gym/Tan/Who's the Rat? He loves that phrase a lot more than he should.
(Through the magic of editing?) Sam immediately heads over to tell Deena what she thought she just overheard Mike saying about telling The Unit to call Jionni. They both hope that Sammi just misheard Mike. Mike would be an IDIOT to do that!
Now Deena is out putting her shoes on. Mike again tells the story about how he called his boy Unit and said "they're making me out to be a liar, dog," and how Unit volunteered to call Jionni himself if only Mike would drop the digits. So now he's said this in full earshot of three people. Deena: "Really Mike though?" "I'm not gonna be made to look like a liar." Sammi (under her breath): "Oh my GOD, I'm gonna flip the (fuck) out." Deena: "You know I'm telling her though." Sammi: "Yeah, I got to tell her that." Mike: "You guys can tell her." Sam: "That's (fucked) up. That's (fucked) up." Mike: "Don't make me look to be a liar." But she's your friend! So why is she telling me 'I hate you, don't ever talk to me again?'" "You need to talk to her, but you should talk to her before you go to that level of calling your friend to call her boyfriend. That's (fucked) up. That's a (dick) move, that's (fucked) up." "I'm not the one that's cheating on my boyfriend, she did--" "Oh my God, I can't deal with this (shit)." "--if you love your boyfriend, you wouldn't have (fucked?) me." Ronnie has stayed the fuck out of this entire thing but IS trying to get Sam out the door and out of this conversation. To us, Sam says she has no idea what the hell Mike's thinking - he had a connection with Nicole once, but he's really messed that up. Looks like it's Ronnie, Sammi and Deena heading off to a shift at the pizzeria. Ronnie (wisely): "I'm minding my business, I don't give a s***." Sam (to us): "Friends don't do that. People who love one another don't do that." Well, she'd know I suppose. Mike seems pretty pleased with himself.
COMING UP: Sammi drops the dime as promised - next thing you know, we're finally seeing Snooki break that bottle throwing it at Mike
LATER: Snooki has a confessional over the phone with Jionni - and it doesn't look like it goes very well!
Oh man, coming tonight: A MIKE JUDGE'S BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD TRAILER - coming TONIGHT during "Jersey Shore!"
But right now, here's an ad for "I Used To Be Fat!"
Tonight, "Jersey Shore" is brought to you by Stacker 2 6 Hour Power energy shots! Low low price of 2 for only $3.99!
And now, an ad for "I'm Gonna Be Fat Later!"
** NOW PLAYING: The Outerlys - Pretty Girls (soundcloud.com) ** Snooki has had just enough mimosas to attempt a cartwheel in the pedestrian walkway - and succeeds in getting blurred out in yet another episode. Being awake this early "isn't like real life to me. This is like a video game." Spying a nun, Snooki RACES to within eyesight to say "Ciao" to her. "I've never seen a nun before!" "She was scared (shitless) of you." Surprisingly, she doesn't tell her to cover herself - but perhaps she didn't know English. They stop at a store and Nicole buys an enormous bottle of 1981 chianti for reasons we know not why. We are ALSO spared its price, but given the height of the shelf it was on, it couldn't have been cheap. Then again, THESE PEOPLE MAKE A HUNDRED GRAND AN EPISODE. And what a relief, because dragging it behind her in what appears to be a carry-on luggage, down cobblestones, we waste little time using the magic of editing to move right to the moment when the bottle frees itself and smashes against a curb. Snooki reacts with appropriate shock and horror but - perhaps surprisingly - does not drop to all fours and begin lapping up the wine as a cat would milk from a saucer. Jenni can only laugh as Snooki says "Oh my God" a couple hundred times, "God no" a couple dozen times, and ends with "Como si dice this (fucking) sucks balls?"
Meanwhile, back at the house, Vinny is ON THE PHONE: VINNY'S MOM to share plans of his upcoming trip to Sicily to visit his family. He relays a question from Pauly D, who wants to know if there are any young girl cousins for him - sadly, we do not get an answer because the call appears to have been disconnected.
Jenni and Snooki are back - Jenni is so tired she completely fails to keep from knocking over everything on the coffee table with her...what is that, a walking stick jutting out of her duffel bag? She also fails to clean up after herself, immediately heading to bed. ** NOW PLAYING: Lego Johnson - Television (soundcloud.com) ** Snooki also considers the nap.
Mike catches up with Pauly and tells his tale - actually, it's changing even as he speaks. "As a joke, I go up to Ronnie, and I go 'Ronnie, man, I called my boy Unit up, gave him Jionni's number and told him to call Jionni and tell him the deal.'" "No, you didn't!" "I didn't...but I told Ronnie I did. Now...Ronnie, before Ronnie even left the house, he had already told Sam." As Pauly laughs, I have to note here that this isn't remotely close to the truth...but maybe something happened in the magic of editing. I guess we could give Mike the benefit of a doubt here...well, if we hadn't already experienced so many OTHER lies from him, we could. "But I didn't call Jionni." Pauly thinks this is brilliant! Pauly is not getting the full story! Mike has settled on "Gym/Tan/Who's the Rat" and uses it with Pauly. To us, Pauly says he doesn't quite understand the drama OR Mike's intentions, but he's going to make sure he's pulled up with some popcorn for when the (shit) pops off.
Here are our three workers. Mike can't WAIT to instigate, saying "oh my God, work is over already?" in a way that implies "shouldn't you go talk to Snooki RIGHT NOW?!" Not that he had to, because Sam heads over to Snooki. To us, she says that yeah, she had to tell Nicole right away, because this is the lowest (shit) she's ever heard. Also, she probably wants to be able to tell Snooki before Deena gets a chance to tell Snooki. (I believe Deena is still in this episode.) "Mike called The Unit to call Jionni and tell him everything that (fucking) happened with you and Mike." Snooki immediately gets up and marches over to Mike, flailing away and shouting "Stop getting in my business, you mother(fucker)!" I think she's landing better than Ronnie because he is SPRINTING away from her. Nicole is getting mostly bleeped, and now is throwing anything that isn't nailed down in Mike's direction. THERE'S THE BOTTLE SMASH!! Wow, I can't *believe* they blew that wad in Segment 2! That's very un-Jersey Shore-like of them. Something REALLY hot must go down in Segment 7.
COMING UP: Jenni has some tough talk for Snooki! So many lies - could Mike possibly be telling the truth?
Oh God, so many "Footloose" ads
Beavis & Butt-head is only three weeks away!
Here's a "Jersey Shore Travel Tip!" "Tip #37: Pack your electrical adapters...and a calculator." This tip is brought to you by HAMPTON HOTELS!
Let's see that bottle smash again! At this point, other folks in the house try to keep Nicole from grabbing the larger/more breakable items in the house to throw at Mike. Pauly tells us that Mike is dodging items like he's in The Matrix. Mike is still managing to play dumb, not knowing why Snooks is so mad at him. "What? What the (fuck)?" "Why the (fuck) would you tell Unit to (fucking) call Jionni?" Finally hearing what he wants, he starts telling the "truth" - "I didn't do nothing" - but of course, Nicole's not having any of that right now. "Do you wanna know what I did?" "Say what you did, Mike." "Sam overheard me say - do not do anything, I'll--" and she throws another plastic bottle at him. "Will you listen to me for a...speak?" "I don't like you, I don't (fucking) like you." Vinny is calmly holding down some nearby larger glass items as Nicole reloads. "He didn't do it. It was a joke." I'm not sure how Vinny figured this out but his part must have been cut. Sam: "That's not a funny (fucking) joke." Snooki: "Why would you (fucking) say that, then?" "It's a joke, nothing happened!" "That's not funny!" "Don't listen from the peanut gallery, ask people first! 'cause I didn't make no (fucking) phone call." Sam: "Then why would you go around saying that?" "Don't (fucking) talk (shit)! Stay out of it! Let her ask first!" I....am baffled by Mike's rationale here. Sam repeats "He said it" while Mike repeats "No phone call was ever made" - not counting the phone call he DID make, I suppose - "I was (fucking) around because, guess what, you talked to everybody first and it backfired on you." ...naah, I still can't understand how Mike lying to everybody is OK. Sam tells us that Mike is trying to prove that she and Deena are rats, but...what's coming out of his mouth is straight bull(shit) so what is he proving? As Snooki heads out to the courtyard to smoke, Mike is still yelling. "I didn't do nothing - NOTHING!" To us: "All I did was tell three people a little lie because I wanted to see who would rat who out, and guess what happened? Sam ratted herself out. She immediately ran in the room and ratted." Yeah, she said TO YOUR FACE she was gonna do that. What does that prove exactly? Mike has followed Snooki onto the courtyard. "I didn't do anything, Snooki--" "GO AWAY! Leave me alone." "I didn't do anything to you, okay?" "Get the (fuck) away from me! Just go! Get away from me!" She ends up having to shove him back into the hallway. "(Fucking) smile on your face...you're a (fucking) bitch." Mike starts threatening to make a REAL phone call, and Snooki is now getting screechy in her demands for Mike to go away." Finally, Mike leaves Snooki to cry on the courtyard.
"She's crying?" "She's crying. She's crying over it because she knows it's true. But I didn't say anything." "Yeah, but by you making believe, it's the same effect." "I understand that, but all she had to do was-- 'Mike, did you make a call?' 'Nope, didn't.' and that would have been solved..." Yeah, and I'm sure she'd take that answer at face value straight away. "...but instead, she went flick, flippin out and that' exactly how it happens in this house every single time." Vinny: "That's just messed up, because she really cares about the kid, you know?" Pauly: "I know. It looked like she cared last night." All the guys laugh. Well, we don't see Mike. Hilarious slap bass!! "She told me she was single last night." "That's what's up." Pauly says he knows what it sounds like when Vinny gets it in...ewwwwww. That's a little TOO close, don't you think? But anyway, he knows that there was some FUCKIN' goin' on last night. Here's a grainy black and white flashback.
Man, this place is a mess. I wonder who'll clean it up/if it gets cleaned up? Mike proclaims this "his most well thought out evil plan - the prank that I pulled was a necessary evil."
Snooki has made her way to her bathroom and whines until Jenni rolls her eyes knowing her time to sleep is over. She joins Snooki in the bathroom to console her. "This is not fun anymore..." Snooki says she gave him a few chances, but as of now, she is DONE with Mike. "Over it - done."
Sam and Ronnie discuss Mike. "He's a sick (fucking) kid." Ronnie: "I've been saying it since day one, and nobody wanted to listen to me." Ronnie sure wasn't doing much talking today, though. "Everyone thought I was the crazy one." "I never liked the kid, Ron. He's a sick (fucking) individual." To us, Sam says that at this point it doesn't matter whether they hooked up or not - if you're friends, you don't pull shit like that." Mike, looking for anyone to talk to, pulls up next to Vinny with shades affixed and hood up. "This was a test, a broadcast system test--" Vinny has already gotten up and walked away. "You'd think that he would learn to stop after a while because he got punched in the face, he ran into a wall, and now he's gettin' champagne bottles thrown at his head. How many wakeup calls does Mike need?"
COMING UP: Jenni talks tough to Snooki!
LATER: Snooki tries to get to the bottom of her night with Vinny!
The MIKE JUDGE'S BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD TRAILER is still to come!
It's a new day! Look at the penis on that statue! Pauly wakes up his mates with the "We're going to Sicily today" song. Meanwhile, all three girls fail to wake up Snooki for THEIR trip to Tuscany. Hey, there's Deena! After all the drama with Mike, split trips couldn't have arrived at a better time. They're going there, and they're going there. Let's dress and pack! Deena says they're going to get some wine, get some--drunk. To think they have to leave the house and go to Tuscany to do that! Snooki STILL isn't up. Jenni is getting annoyed. Snooki keeps telling her to just shut the fuck up, and also she doesn't want to go to this stupid thing. "Well good morning to you."
Later, we see that they all have enormous hats on. Jenni thinks they look so classy! Sam wants to know if Snooki just farted. SHE TOTALLY DID! "And...there goes our class." Yeah, you were so so classy... until just then.
Meanwhile, Vinny is so giddy with his backpack on that Pauly believes he MAY be in the sixth grade! But Vinny is justifiably excited - he's going to meet his family in Sicily for the first time. Life is all about tracing your roots and going to the homeland.
You have to take a plan to Sicilia! This is a quick edit, though, because like that, they're there and agog over mountains. Into a van! Pauly: "I hope your family likes me." Vinny: "Oh, they will, baby." "You might be moving too fast for me." Again, we are amazed by mountains. Vinny tells us that this Italy looks so different from the Italy they have experienced thus far: "Volcanoes, trees, mist, King Kong is in the bushes." They also admire some of the older structures still standing. Mike: "This is definitely some mafia type (shit). I don't know if you've ever seen Godfather II but (fuckin') it's in Sicily." Ronnie classifies their final destination as "a ranch...four guidos in the woods? Eh....I don't know about that."
"...the motherland - literally, my mother's land. I'm about to meet my family for the first time in Sicily." We see about a hundred Italians emerge from the house and exchange warm greetings all around. It's really rather sweet. Ronnie thinks the entire Guadagnino family tree is here...he might be right!
Over to the girls. "This is like makeout point right here." Deena: "All right, let's go. ...I'm just kidding." They hit the first winery - one of the oldest inhabited castles in Italy - the wine cellar is over 900 years old! "Is it haunted?" "Not anymore." "Not anymore?!" Given their propensity to break shit, I'm amazed they let them even APPROACH the wine cellar, much less walk through it (in heels, I'm sure). Jenni makes sure to scare Snooki at least once with a BOO! "It reall was haunted, I could feel. I got the vibe." Finally, the magic words: "You want to go upstairs and taste some wine?"
Looks like Vinny has found a cucumber to take home to Deena. Mike volunteers to play goalie and get embarrassed by one of the younger members of Vinny's family. We stop when one of the guys kicks the ball squar into Mike's crotch (with accompanying BONG sound effect). We look at some family photos, and it turns out they have some photos of the American side of the family - and we fixate on a lovely photo of 13 year old Vinny. "That was my awkward phase!" Pauly is sure to capture it digitally for future use. "This is the best day of my life on the camera."
The wines are being paired with food, and I don't think they much care about the food. Snooki tells us "Cool, history! BOO! Like, you know? Like, I'm not into geography anymore. Gimme (fucking) wine." More attempts at education - Snooki burps. "I just want her to shut up so I can talk about Jionni right now. Like, I'm going through issues. I don't give a (bleep) about how wine's made." "Now just do your own thing...like you're just at a regular meal." Jenni: "You don't want us to do our own thing - we'd embarrass you." "Me 'n' Deena would be on the tables." Snooki takes the opportunity. "Can we talk for a second and make me happy?" "Jionni?" "Yeah. That thing with frickin' Vinny could have ruined it." "Yeah, why'd you do that?" "'cause he pissed me off to the point where--" "At this moment, I know you want someone, but by doing that with Vinny, no offense but like, the damage is done. I wanna, like, put it out there." "I wanna be with him, though." OH MY GOD SHE HAS FLIP-FLOPPED AGAIN - it's like every 24 hours she has to flip-flop or something. "I really think at this point that you should move on." Deena agrees. Jenni: "If you want my real opinion, that kid won't forgive you for it. So you gotta man up to your mistake and realise that it's over because of it." "I LOVE him." "No you don't. If you loved him, you wouldn't have done that with Vinny." Meanwhile, our wine lecturer has a look on her face that indicates she has well lost control of this situation. Sammi tells us that Nicole is hearing the truth from Jenni but she doesn't want to hear it. "Honestly, though, I'm calling you out on you being wrong right now...for the simple fact that you laid up in his bed--" "I told you why I did that - the only reason why I did that--" "It doesn't matter. That is not an excuse." "--'cause I wanted to be done with him." "Well, you are now. You can't change it; the damage is done." Snooki tells us that Jenni is being the WORST best friend right now! "And on top of what Mike's saying...this kid is going to have enough. I'm sorry." "I would never do that. I would never cheat on him." "You did, though. That kid will have enough, and he is gone, so accept it and move on."
COMING UP: Snooki doesn't take it well!
LATER: Jionni wants to know what's up!
Here's the show that's going to air AFTER Mike Judge's Beavis & Butt-head! But no sign of that promised trailer yet!
OH BOY! Taylor Swift perfume!
I should probably be more interested in this Justin Timberlake time move
Ooh, I should DEFINITELY be interested in this "Ides of March" movie!
We begin this segment with a rehash of the previous one. Snooki says they didn't have sex - Deena tells us she was there and knows that they did sex, but she's not gonna put her on blast like that. "At the time, honestly, I was, like, I don't give a (shit), me and Jionni are done, I'm done with this kid, he's making me feel miserable, now - now that I think about it, I (fucking) love him and I can't believe I did that." Wow. Jenni: "He's gonna be so beyond humiliated from the simple fact that his girlfriend, after two hours of getting a fight, hooked up with Vinny. He'll never accept it, he'll never go on with it, and I don't want to be that person to say it to you but as a best friend...move on." Snooki feels her best friend would never say that shit! Why isn't Jenni there for her?
Meanwhile, the lads are experiencing the largest Italian meal they've ever had. Mangia, mangia! Vinny toasts his family - this meal was a lifetime dream and he's so glad it has been made possible. Everybody's happy!
Deena and Nicole pose on a motorbike - and then tip over the motorbike. Deena estimates that they went through about ten bottles of wine. They board the bus - Snooki is horny! And may have farted again! Jenni wants to know who "ripped ass." That is a colourful turn of phrase. So they go to another winery - this seems excessive...or they really overdid it at the first one. Anyway, they are being lectured by another winemaker but REALLY not in the mood to pay attention. In fact, Snooki starts dozing while strewn across some wine barrels. That can't be comfortable! Jenni says they're shot, they're drunk, and they already learned everything this guy is repeating, so just bring on the wine and cheese already. I'm not sure Snooki should be having any more wine! Jenni: "I guess I'll take the strong one that I always fall for." Snooki: "Maybe you shouldn't." "Me? Don't talk (shit)." Sammi: "Snap out of it!" Snooki: "I'm fine. I'm annoyed." "Don't be mad about the truth." Sammi, to us: "The whole Mike and Nicole drama comes up - " and she now thinks Jenni suspects something else may have happened. "You act like we're not like best friends." "We are, but don't sit here and cry and feed people lies, you're feeding everybody in this house besides me lies." Sammi wonders if Nicole isn't being honest after all, and could Mike possibly be telling the truth?" "If I am your best friend, why can't you have someone to tell you the truth?" "No actually you're not anymore, 'cause none of my best friends would ever say that." "Listen, I'm airing one person out - I'm not doing anything." "You're (fucking) airing your best friend out right now! What the (fuck) are you talking about?" "I'm not doing one thing - you just made a stupid comment--" "You just said 'if you're gonna air me out...'" "Exactly--" "You're airing me out right now." "Why would you make a stupid comment like that?" "Why would you say that? I don't need this. I need you." "I'm supposed to sugarcoat this? I am here for you, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it!" "Yeah, you're supposed to sugarcoat it to make me happy." "No, you - that's why I asked you earlier: Do you want my opinion or do you want the truth?" And she walks off. "Jenni's being such a bitch to me right now I can't even take her." And it's not easy to run in those shoes! Reactions all around.
COMING UP: Jionni's on the phone and it won't be long!
IT'S TIME FOR THE TRAILER - no, it's still to come. DAMMIT
We stick with the girls - Jenni is looking for a little validation from Deena and Sam. Would they sugarcoat or truth it? Deena says they speak truth all the time. "Thank you. That's exactly what I did right here and she can't (fuckin') handle it." Jenni tells us that by this point, Nicole is just telling lies to get people to tell her everything's gonna be all right, but maybe it's not gonna be all right, and maybe she needs to accept it. I like how she keeps saying Nicole's gotta "man up." I also like how Deena keeps eating through this entire exchange.
Meanwhlie, Snooki is taking this opportunity to smoke. To us, Snooki says she loves Jenni, she'd fucking die for her, but she's just not being a good friend to her right now. Translation: Jenni's not telling her what she wants to here, and she's completely right. (I may be mis-translating - I'm a guy and not fluent)
Everybody toddles back onto the bus. Instead of fun wine night, this is the worst bus ride in the universe. Snooki wants to punch someone in the face!
Back to the gents. I believe they're taking shots of Pepto-Bismol! Here's four generations of family in one place. Our four heroes convene on the steps and share a pensive moment. They love seeing Vinny smile like that, they love how his family takes them in - matching the way his American family acts towards them as well - and everybody's just feeling good right now. Then Pauly ruins the moment by wondering aloud what the girls are up to.
The girls are home - Snooki tells Deena that she's not on good terms with Jenni at the moment. Deena says if she wants to keep that friendship, she needs to talk to her. Jenni tells us she's agitated and tired of covering up for her and tired of taking her attitude. That's over. As they pass in the bathroom, Snooki says "Never again, boo" and I guess that's their cue to make up. "I love you." "Okay." Hugs all around! "I love you so much." "I love you too." "I'm sorry." "I hated you so much. I'm sorry." "I did, too." TIME FOR SOME MAKE UP SEX! No? "'cause the thing is, I get so mad 'cause I know you just feel guilty but you're not doing anything to get rid of the guilt." "You're frustrated with how I'm acting...I feel. I get it."
To the phone where Snooki calls...her father! ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S DAD. "Dad." "Yes dear." "I miss Jionni." "...okay." "What the (fuck) do I DO?" "Well...I can tell you this: he did change his Facebook to single." "He DID?" "Yep - because that's what you said you wanted done." "Oh my **GOD!!** He changed his Facebook status to single!" Deena, from the other room: "Really?" "Yeah, that means it's official." "He's an idiot, girl." Now crying into the phone: "I (fuckin') (fucked) up. Oh I hate myself!" "You didn't cause this - he caused this - OK?" "Fine." "I will call you in a little bit. I love you." "I love you too." "Bye." I feel like there may have been some editing in there! Well, now she wants to talk to Jionni for two reasons - one, she's really pissed off for OH NO NOT THE FACEBOOK STATUS OF "SINGLE" - and two, oh by the way, she needs to tell him about the night she spent with Vinny.
Somehow, a large beer - perhaps a Corona - has materialized near the phone. Amazingly, the graphic *still* reads ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S BOYFRIEND JIONNI "Hello?" "Hi. Can I talk to you?" "No! Why - why do you want to talk to me? You broke up with me! You broke my f****** heart!" This leads into a delicate, yet frank discussion of semantics; Snooki representing the side that saying she wants a break from him is not equivalent to breaking up with him, and him taking an opposing view. Why was he in such a hurry to change his Facebook status to single? Was he that excited to get (fucking pussy)? [Is THAT how Facebook works?] Why did he do that? "Yesterday, on the phone, you said to me 'I can't be with you anymore. You treat me like s***, you make me a different person.'" "You - why do you think I said I wanted a break with you? Because obviously you (fucking) said something dumb to me - Do you understand I love you? I (fucking) love you and I'm hurting without you. All I do, I wake up, I go to sleep and I think about you. What the (fuck) am I gonna do?" "You think I don't think about you?" "And honestly I have to tell you something and you're never going to talk to me again." "What? What'd you do?" "Please don't hang up when I tell you this. (swig of beer)" "What did you do?" "After we got off the phone, I ended up in Vinny's bed. ...we didn't have sex, please don't hang up, PLEASE don't hang up. Oh please don't hang up... We didn't have sex. Please..." "You had sex or you didn't have sex?" "We didn't have sex. Please don't hang up. We didn't have sex." "Did you hook up with him?" "Yes." "...all right, I'll see you later." "No, please don't hang up, please, please don't do this to me!" "No, we're done, we're done. No! No, Nicole. Tell Vinny when I see him, he's dead. It's done. F*** you!" "Please don't do this to me!" (click, dialtone) And Nicole is left to sob into her giant beer.
Well, you've been patient - and this is the final ad break - so here now is the trailer for MIKE JUDGE'S BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD - so, are they gonna do Beavis & Butt-head-y stuff to MTV shows instead of to music videos? 'cause I'm not sure I will have watched enough "16 & Pregnant" to get it. Because I've NEVER watched "16 & Pregnant"
Woah, that was the entire ad break!
After Ronnie wakes up and walks around, Pauly decides he's going to imitate what he just saw for comedic effect. Everybody packs up to head back. Vinny will remember this trip for the rest of his life. If nothing else, that probably redeems this season. ** NOW PLAYING: Kill the Complex - Shine (soundcloud.com) **
Back to the house - Snooki is going to try calling Jionni again. This time, she's dressed for it, and has roommates within eavesdropping range. Amazingly, it's *still* ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S BOYFRIEND JIONNI "Hello?" "I just wanna call you, because you're on my mind 24/7." "First of all, what did you do with Vinny?" "Babe, come on." To us, Snooki says that she thinks she and Vinny DID try to have sex, but it didn't work out....but she doesn't remember. Babe, come on. "I wanna know right now what you've done with Vinny." "He (bleep) me and that's it." Now, I hate to fail you, but I absolutely have no idea what word her lips are forming there. And I know this is the one that will bring all the search engine hits, and if you've scrolled down this far, I hate leaving you empty handed, but....well, it is what it is. "We break up and you go f*** around with Vinny an hour later?!" "I (fucked) up. I (fucked) up." "Nicole, I've never been f****** crushed this bad in my life. You don't give a (shit) about me, Nicole." "Oh, you're such a (fucking) line. You're all I think about. I'm a (fucking) idiot - I'm so (fucking) stupid for doing that to you. I get it, I (fucked) up, I'm sorry - babe, I'm sorry!" "Nicole--I - listen. Do you want to be together?" "Yes! I wouldn't be talking right now, are you kidding me?" "Right. ... ...I'll give you another chance." "(sigh) Thank you." "Just don't f*** me over, okay?" "I won't (fuck) you over, I promise." "All right, I've got to go, okay?" "Okay, bye." "Bye." To us, she SQUEALS! She's so happy that they're back together. I'm...ambivalent. She runs to Jenni to deliver the good news. Hugs all around! "Aw, thank f****** Jesus Christ!" "I am so happy that he's given me a second chance - like, I LOVE him, I'm in love! Like, what the (fuck)? I'm...in love." Ugh.
The gents are home! Vinny: "Oh I can't wait to go run and hug and kiss Sam!" Ronnie: "Shut the f*** up."
Ron and Sam DO hug.
Snooki catches up with Vinny. "Can we talk about the other night? So I need to know what to tell Jionni." "What do you mean what happened? I asked you if you were drunk...you said no." To us: she needs to know, and she can't remember. Like, did they have sex and stuff? Because SHE HAS NO IDEA. "What, you don't remember what you did? That's how drunk you were? I don't believe you." "I remember certain things that I don't wanna say. Did we...(finger motion) (bleep) smush? Don't say (bleep). I just wanna know what to tell him." "You wanna know every little detail?" "Mm-hmm." "All right, let's go outside." Vinny tells us that it was like a "glitch in the Matrix" - everything was progressing normally...glitch in the Matrix, bang Snooki - and then everything goes back to as it was before. Vinny seems to take these circumstances in stride.
Out on the courtyard patio, Vinny weaves the tale of Snooki going to bed, just cuddling, she started kissing his neck, and then she kept saying "(Fuck) me." "Stop, stop." I don't know if she thinks he's joking or being straight with her. "You were like (fuck) me, I'm horny." "Vinny you don't have to say that!!" "Whatever." She thought they were just cuddling and... "My (penis) was cuddling with your (vagina), but..." YOW! "I have to tell him." "Tell him. Don't lie." To us: "I really honestly thought we didn't have sex. I blacked out a little bit. What are ya gonna do?"
She's headed back to the phone. She told him that they had just - okay, I'm going to guess (finger) popped and NOW maybe we can guess the previous bleep was "popped" or some synonym thereof - not that I know what any of that means because I'm 40 and just celebrated my 8th anniversary Tuesday so I don't HAVE to know what that means and probably don't WANT to know what that means. ...so she's gonna have to call him back and break it to him that yeah, they did have sex. "Hello?" Credits have already started so no ON THE PHONE graphic. "You're gonna hate me." "What?" "Remember when I told you what happened with Vinny?" "Yeah." "Something more happened." "What?" "Uh...I don't even wanna say it." "Say what?" ".........wehadsex." And that'll be your cliffhanger.
NEXT TIME: Deena wants to do sex! Pauly does not! Deena says she's a good fuck! Sammi thinks this is not the way to woo him when she can hear her! Mike starts crap with Deena - AND with all the blurry faced people in the club! This may lead to an intervention! Also...just HOW bad is their hair going to get without a place to get a decent haircut in Florence? THREE EPISODES REMAIN!
Here's Romeo Santos! He's...got something to say about...being Puerto Rican? OH, it's Hispanic Heritage Month. Is that a real thing? Apparently, it IS...and it's almost over (hispanicheritagemonth.gov). Well...nice of them to remember to bring it up now! push.mtv.com
We're out - about 2 minutes late.
And *I* beat 7100 words this week. Man, this episode sure needed some dance montages.
You truely deserve a lot of credit for making these recaps. I was glad I had other things to do so I just had this on in the background. The flip-flopping is worse than Ron/Sammi because well..Snooki is so much more insane?
And I really look forward to the moment all seven of them grab clubs and just kill Mike. It can't be long now, right? God what an annoying dick.
Any movie trailer that shows Homer Simpson getting hit by a wrecking ball, smashed by a Paul Bunyan-esque elbow, stabbed by a giant fork and repeatedly crunched between a rock and a hard place, is alright with me.... I'm a sucker for that high-brow stuff.