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22.11.14 2301
The W - Movies & TV - Episode 407: "Meatball Mashup"
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#1 Posted on | Instant Rating: 9.39

As we reach the halfway point of this season, I think that most of the time we feel like if we just stick it out, the show is going to get BETTER...but then it never actually seems to GET better. Still...here we go again!

CABLE GUIDE SPOILERS: HD, "Meatball Mashup", (2011), The gang hits the beach during a trip to the Italian coast. Later, when they get back to Florence, Snooki and Deena have a run-in with the police. (Reality).

PREVIOUSLY ON JERSEY SHORE: TV-14-DLS, CC en español! Snooki can drive stick, so finally she's useful! When you're really drunk, sometimes you kiss girls (if you're Deena)! Everyone hates Jionni - except Snooki!

Opening credits! THIS is Jersey Shore, season 4, episode 7, premiering on MTV in "windowboxed" NON-HD (MTV HATES HD!) 9/15/11.

Another day has dawned here in Firenze - well, it's the same day that ended last show as once again, Snooki, Jenni and Ronnie are headed to (ha) work. (I can tell this because Snooki is wearing the same gaudy socks she wore at the end of last show.) Jen and Ron reiterate that they are just trying to look out for Snooki by offering their opinions of Jionni, and Snooki reminds us that just back off. Once again, Marco is out front of Pizzeria O'Vesuvio to meet everybody. We see the girls assembling pizza boxes by folding them (Snooki: "Let's do this really slow so we can stay here") while Ron mans the bullhorn out front. Snooki tells us she's tired and hung over and "I hate work. I'm not kidding, I really (fucking) hate work." It's a living! Ron lays down a smooth rap to some girl who walks right on by. Next thing we know, the girls are taking a break to chow down on something that has a lot of cheese on it - man, that looks pretty good, actually - but the point of this is for them to talk about how glad they are that Marco has given them the weekend off so they can leave town. Seriously, this seems like the second or third time we've seen anybody at "work" this time around and they're talking about their great day off coming up? Jenni is dying to hit the beach, wear her bikini and see what dudes look like in Speedos! Ronnie talks to Marco about their destination - let me look up the spelling - Riccione - hey, wasn't that Madonna's last name growing up? Anyway, Marco gets really excited. For a minute, I thought he was going to say he lost his virginity there but it ends up that he "lost many pieces of his mind" there. Ronnie does his Marco impersonation for us. We skip over some work (I'm sure) to see them taking a 15 minute break to...go shopping for the big road trip weekend. Jenni has already checked out. Shopping montage! 15 minutes passes quickly and we cut to Marco outside the restaurant wondering where everybody is. Shopping! Back to Marco, who is forlornly calling out "Ronnie" while walking the streets of Florence. Snooki worries about her kuka showing if she bought a particular outfit, while Jenni decides that her boobs will fill out some OTHER outfit nicely. Ronnie...stands around, mostly - at least he doesn't have to hold a purse. Finally, Marco has located his quarry - as he complains about it already having been twenty-five (!) minutes, Ron holds up his hands as if to say "hey, I surrendered to the passion of these two long ago" - the girls are apparently haggling for the shopkeeper to "be nice with the price" because they're such hard workers; this causes Marco to be very incredulous as he repeats "hard workers." Ignoring him, Jenni says they work hard at the pizzeria. Snooki says they sell "mad pizza." And there's our segment title, so we can move on.

Now they're LEAVING work! Man, work must be TREMENDOUSLY boring for this show for us to just continually gloss over it. See you Monday! Ron brings home a bunch of dinner while the girls have their shopping for the day. Snooki lags behind because, probably, her legs are too short to keep up. Back at the house and Snooki is immediately on the phone with SNOOKI'S BOYFRIEND JIONNI who, through the magic of editing, is immediately unhappy with whatever's going on right now. Last night's call is rehashed, with Jionni saying that Nicole was "beyond, beyond beyond beyond rude to me (I don't know if you know that)," while Snooki relays that almost everybody in the house has said it the other way round. When Snooki says that Ron got the phone and Jionni said "(fuck) you Ron, put Nicole back on the phone," Ron outright denies that ever happened, calling them "crazy - out of your minds." (This is usually where they edit in the replay of this, in fact, happening - but for some reason we don't get it THIS time.) And...let's be fair, Jionni may have a point about them all being out of their minds. Jionni says Ron got on the phone and started talking (shit) to him when all he was trying to do was help her. He wants her to name one other person besides Ron who feels this way - Snooki rattles off Jenni, Sam, Deena before Jionni tells Snooki to have fun in Italy 'cause he's not coming, and hangs up. "Douchebag." Snooki tells us she's glad they're going on the road so she can ... be even further away from the kid? Out in the courtyard, it's time to smoke! Snooki and Jenni engage in a debriefing session. Oh, wait, all the girls are there. Oh wait, we're moving on.

Packing montage! A rare "all four girls" confessional has them wondering how much nudity and/or "ding dongs" will be seen on this beach. Jenni reveals to us that women have no idea how to plan a wardrobe for even a short trip, so they just bring way too fucking much shit for what's essentially a 24 hour getaway. Hey, look, "period underwear!" To us, the girls shout "TEAM KUKA" before breaking. Meanwhile, the guys - well, the guys aren't much better, except for Ronnie, who has barely packed anything. "The girls packed four bags each - Mike packed like he's going to Miami for three weeks!" We quickly look to the two Fiats our intrepid team is using while Pauly explains the logistics of eight bags and two Fiats. And you didn't think math would be involved! As we watch various machinations with luggage, Fiats and Bungee cords, Ron sums it up to us: "Honestly, how come you've got so many bags? We're going to a beach for 24 hours where you're not gonna need clothes you can have no shirt on, with flip flops, so there's no reason to have so much (fucking) luggage on those little Fiats. WHAT THE FIAT."Luggage finally attached, they start to roll out (surely with three in a bench meant for two so they can stick a camera guy in there somewhere), we hear one of the girls wonder if there will be any shops where they can buy whatever clothes they've forgotten/left behind.

COMING UP: Deena dances her panties off!

LATER: Deena staggers around drunk!

Everybody's driving to Riccione! We are reminded that the girls are short - Nicole can barely reach the pedals, and somebody has to lean WAAAAY out the window to grab a...I'm assuming some kind of toll thing for some bridge or turnpike or however roads work in Italy (they skip over the details on "Jersey Shore") Deena says she has to do the Jersey Turnpike on the Firenze Turnpike so she sticks her ass in the camera - which amuses the guys in the car next to her.

We're there and every girl on the beach is lying face down while wearing butt floss! And by "every," I mean "every girl who the editors felt like including in this bit!" We take a look at the prominently placed sign for the Hotel Promenade (hotelpromenade.it) (promotional consider may have been paid for by Hotel Promenade) and now we check out the room. Pauly says it looks like Seaside, but he is shouted down. Is Snooki filling her wine glass with straight vodka? To us: "It looks like Hawaii, so I feel it's like it's like an island - or maybe it's, like, on the border of like a continent. You know what I mean? So it's like...by ocean." Pauly feels it's like a boardwalk and they should walk it right away. To us, he says that he wants to get a quick feel for "what [Rikony] has to offer." So the fellas take off. The weather is perfect! They get women passing by on bikes to ring their bells! They spot Mike's Italian doppelgänger, La Situazione.

Meanwhile, the girls are greasing up to go on the beach. Snooki makes sure to let us know that one of her boobs is bigger than the other. Man, when you think about how much footage our poor editors and producers had to get through to find these ten seconds...well, I suppose it's helping the economy. Burp.

It's Riccione beach! Somebody's nipples are hard, and somebody else wants to lick them later! Oh, girls. Standing in the Italian ocean is so much more exciting than standing in some other ocean! Snooki wants to get drunk right now, so they hit a bar and have some nasty shots - and some other nasty shots. Deena: "Did you have an orgasm? Because I just did." They all chant "blast in a glass" but our bartender just looks confused. Deena says they're gonna go hard tonight - and she may be bombed already. As we look at another round of shots being prepared, Deena remarks that she didn't know Italy had a Caribbean island in it.

Over to the fellas, who are discussing cocktails. Pauly, imitating somebody, says (phonetically, deep voice) "can I get a pina tekwila?" We spy on a larger women, nonetheless in a small enough bottom piece that her butt has to be blurred out, and the guys...appear to enjoy it nonetheless. An older man in Speedo walks by, and Vinny proclaims him "Pauly in a few years - I'd say about ten." Vinny's such a jerk! But you can get away with that when you're funny. (I do it all the time.)

Back to the girls, who are discussing the kuka - our bartender doesn't know what it is, so they explain vaginas and women's private areas - he seems to understand now...and may be sorry he understands. What's "vagina" in Italian? I guess it's the same thing, except you pronounce it more like vaJEEna - this gets some uptight dude walking by uptight, and he stops to lecture them on proper behaviour. "That is not so good for girls to speak this language!" Of course, they're not having any of that - and besides, "we're from Jersey!" And it's time to go - Deena tells the bartender she hopes he gets laid tonight.

A decision is made for shopping! Deena tells us that "drunk shopping is never good." Despite Jenni's advice against "a drunken buy," Deena buys a guitar (which looks more like a ukelele), while Snooki spends "$400 on Hello Kitty." Snooki wishes someone were a lesbian, causing Jenni to call her a weirdo, causing Snooki to call HER a weirdo right back. Snooki spills a drink on the counter. Jenni tells us that Deena and Snooki are already at a whole new level of drunkenness and she and Sam are already sick of them. As they leave the store, they walk a bit faster and quickly put some space between Deena and Snooks, who are calling out "wait, mamis!" They move to talking about Jenni's outfit (blue bikini with hot pink cover up) - "HOT PINK!" "(deep voice) you're gonna get it tonight really hard!" I think somebody says "man whore" in here and I don't even know WHAT that means. Sammi: "They're creeping me out." Nicole: "Jenni you're cheeks are out!" Jenni: (pissed off face) "Are they mad at us?" "A little bit." "Why?" "'Cause we're drunk and stupid." Sam came to Riccione to have fun, not take care of two drunk people. Jenni thinks it's time to split up, and they head back to the hotel - apparently it's just cold enough that her outfit was a bad idea. Nicole and Deena definitely have lost them - but wait, Nicole hears house music! They follow the sound, the heavens part and they find a club. Oh, wait, the club is LIKE finding heaven. They can go back to the hotel, but Deena and her and going to heaven and dancing their asses off.

So here are some shots of them dancing with nobody while our cameraman and some creepy Italian guy watch. ** NOW PLAYING: Midnight Society f/ The Gameboyz - Pakku (soundcloud.com) ** Nicole is so happy that it's just "Team Meatballs" because she and Deena are so alike. Champagne is consumed! At this point, the boys have found them - Ron runs up on her and almost gets her good in the butthole, causing her to almost beat the ass of whoever was trying to get her good in the butthole. Snooki is confused that they're "all dressed up," which to me they don't seem THAT much dressier than before, but who knows. Ron says dinner's at 9:30 and they should really grab a shower and change. Asked what time it is now, Ron replies that it's 7:40 and Snooki feels they have plenty of time and they'll be fine. "All right, that's what's up." The fellas relax and watch Deena and Snooki get more and more hammered - Deena lets her boobs run free, while Snooki makes a big run at her, only to get ole'd and KEEP running until she ends up in some plants. Oh dear. "I couldn't stop - you bitch!" Ron: "Holy (fucking) (shit)!"

COMING UP: Deena dances with no pantses!

It was in the 30s last night - maybe not the best time for a "Summer" Proactiv ad

** NOW PLAYING: Art vs. Science - Take A Look At Your Face (reverbnation.com) ** Snooki tells us that Team Meatballs can handle anything when it comes to alcohol, so they're gonna go mad hard all day AND mad hard at the club. This sounds like denial to me, but nobody's puked yet either. The dancing CONTINUES!

At the hotel, Jenni and Sam are feeling much better after a hot shower. They wonder what the other girls will be like. Jenni says she had only ever seen the "abducted eyes" on Snooki but now Deena is just like her. I need to find out what "abducted eyes" means later.

Back to the club, where Snooki is on her back "doing the (fucking) cat" which is a move I do not recognise but involves sticking your legs up until we can get a great shot of your panties. Mike tells us he's pretty sure the meatballs will not make it to the sauce tonight. That means he's not expecting Deena and Snooki at dinner. Deena's (tits) escape again - and for an encore, she dances with such ferocity that her panties fall off. ** NOW PLAYING: M'Lonie - Watch It (myspace.com) ** Pauly is duly impressed - he's NEVER danced so hard that the underwear falls of. He has to give credit - she goes hard. The guys feel like one more shot will cause Deena and Snooki to black out, so....they all leave them alone and walk around to somewhere, anywhere else. WOW. Meanwhile, I think Nicole just flashed them titties to that amused couple sitting over there!

A quick fast-motion clip of the moon denotes the passage of time and we're now at a restaurant which did not provide enough promotional consideration to get their name displayed on the screen for any length of time. I CAN tell you they have an impressive tank of live seafood which impresses Vinny, who proclaims one of the larger lobsters not a lobster at all but in fact a dinosaur. ** NOW PLAYING: George Byrne - Moonshine (gbyrneonline.blogspot.com) ** It's six at the restaurant. We cut back to find the other two - Snooki says they have to head back to the hotel, get changed and be cute. Deena appears barely aware of her surroundings or of what Snooki is even saying, but I think they're toddling off back to the hotel. Ron relays the story of Snooki running into the bush, comparing it to Mike running into the wall. Jenni just wants everyone to have dinner and make it to the club on time. This isn't going to be happening.

Back at the hotel, Nicole kicks on the door until it opens. Is that really how it works? She reveals that she's pissed on herself. I hope she's joking. I fear she is not joking.

Back at the restaurant I believe they've finally decided no more waiting and it's time to order. "No meatballs for dinner tonight," says Mike.

Looks like they're settling the cheque right about the time Snooki and Deena are JUST about ready to hit the restaurant. "You know what they're gonna say - 'you're drinking too much! meh, meh, meh'" Snooki and Deena meet Ron and Jenni out front - each of them has a plastic cup full of vodka (aha) they've been drinking on the way over. Inside, Vinny and Sam look thrilled to see them - Snooki tries a squeal but she's already lost that part of her voice and may have just (pissed) herself again. (I HOPE that was what the bleep was for. I shudder to think what ELSE it could have been.) So, somehow, they stick around waiting for them to eat/spill beer/burp and plan out their night - if they just stick together, they can both get crazy and it'll be all right. Pauly yells "DISCO POP OFF!" and perhaps this segment is mercifully concluding. Ciao! Burp!

In the taxi to the discoteca, Deena is already so slurred even our erstwhile captioner is like "(claps) that's it, I'm outta here." Sammi broaches the option of NOT going to the club and going back to the hotel instead but Deena isn't having it. Sammi is already looking forward to a miserable night taking care of her sloppy drunk friend. Jenni says this sounds more like the cab ride home as opposed to the cab ride TO the club, and Snooki drunkenly says "What are you gonna do? Whatever" with just a darling accent. Jenni tells us basically what Sammi just told us. We get no look at the guys, who must not be nearly this "entertaining."

At the club with absolutely no name! More drinks for the drunk! Vinny proclaims the club scene "pretty sick, jumpin'" and like Jersey, but they're used to that. I believe there's a beach somewhere. I don't now. It probably doesn't matter. Snooki is annoyed with Jenni for acting like her mom. "I'm like, 'shut up.'"

Mike kisses a...not terribly attractive girl! Then he lowers the shades for the benefit of the camera.

More dancing! Deena does a dip and...by the size of that "Jersey Shore" logo over her crotch, we can safely conclude that she also reveals that she has no panties on. (That's not all she revealed, ba dum bum.) To us: "Whatever, I forgot to put underwears on." Jenni tries really hard to get Deena to understand that she's giving a free show, but Deena's not having it. Meanwhile, the editors find some shots of dudes bugging out because they got to see a vajeen. Deena says nobody can see anything, but she's right in front of a totally clear wall and I'm not sure she understands that the wall can be seen through. "Whatever." Jenni proclaims it "bleagh" and offers that Deena needs a wax.

COMING UP: Deena and Nicole make out and everybody goes nuts!

Oh, was I spelling "kooka" wrong all this time? (Interestingly, the closed captioner has opted for "cuca" so I have NO idea how to spell it. I guess I'll go with the segment title)

Here's the Sammi/Deena "hookup" Stacker 2 6 Hour Power energy shot ad - I don't know...do you *want* this drunk exhibitionist hawking your product?

** NOW PLAYING: Ro Danishei - Baby Doll (The W at Amazon) ** We kick off this segment with a quick rehash of the end of LAST segment - maybe I should have picked a different phrase - eh. "Vagina" is said more times than I care to count as it is relayed to Deena live, and to US on tape, how much of a free show Deena is giving the unnamed club. Sammi also opts for "vajeen" on one occasion. Jenni: "Deena's like 'get off me' and I'm like 'dude... your VAGINA'S out.'" Deena and Snooki decide to "go wandering." Jenni and Sammi follow. Dance montage. Deena is feeling up Snooki, looks like - hand fulla boob! Jenni laughs hard enough to erupt into a coughing fit. I can only assume the guys have steered far clear of allllll of this. Now Snooki is backing up on Deena. Sammi gives us a WTF. "Nicole's all about Jionni; and Deena...like, are you a lesbian?" And NOW they're kissing. Well, the guys are happy to show up and watch THAT. Jenni tells us that they're "digesting each others' tongues - I am so skeeved out - like, I want to throw up." Jwoww is STRAIGHT, BITCHES. Pauly: "Lesbianest here." Vinny: "Does that turn you on?" "NO!" Snooki, to us: "I love making out! I'm the best kisser, I think in this whole planet. Or ON this home planet. On this home planet." Jenni proclaims it time to go! Various shots of Deena and Snooki leaning on objects that shouldn't be leaned on, falling over, showing (blurred) crotch, staggering, stumbling, falling. Oh, it's sad, really. Pauly, to us: "Hey Deena, stop making a scene and LEZ go!" Pauly's gotta be happy he didn't tap that. Jenni: "Why do I always gotta be the mom?" Snooki: "Wanna make out?" Deena: "(unintelligible, yet affirmitive)" All four girls are in the back seat (so the cameraman can have the front seat) and while Sammi appears bemused, Jenni is so over this. To us: "This isn't your ordinary girl make out session - they are going to (fuck) each other when they get back to the hotel and I have to share a room with them." Sammi remarks that she doesn't even make out with Ron as long as they've been going at it. The guys are (hopefully) blissfully unaware that anything is going on and taking care of themselves.

We're back! They're STILL kissing! Sammi: "I felt like I was watching a porn for 20 hours." Pauly: "Come si dice (pussy) pop?" And they're off to the same bed. "You're such a pervert!"

Time passes and it's the next morning. Blur out that ass! It's actually RON to do the wake-em-ups although he sounds just like Pauly: "Oh yeah! We're in Riccione yeah!" Pauly tells us he was disturbed that Ronnie would swack his wakeup call. This leads to a learning experience for us, the audience - to "swack" is to "jack" a man's "swagger." "Swagger jack" = "swack" You're welcome, America (and rest of the world)! The men are off to grab some brunch - Ron says "Come si dice" a lot to illustrate Pauly's point that Ron is copying everything he does now. Whether it's clothing, what he says or how he acts, Ron's doing it. "Busted big time again!"

Everybody says Ciao a lot. Pauly says he understands that everything he does is contagious, but DAMN. "I'm surprised Ron didn't come to Italy with a blowout - that's all I'm saying. (laughs)" At the unnamed restaurant, Pauly asks Mike who woke him up - Mike says he thought it was Ron, but it kinda sounded like Pauly. Vinny does an imitation of Ron imitating Pauly. Mike says he thinks Ron's just trying to find himself - one day he's Situation, next he's Pauly D. Vinny should probably take umbrage here, but instead he offers that Ron should just come up with his own (shit), bro. Be originale. Ron denies being a swacker to us. He's not believable.

Meanwhile, Jenni's spraying herself. Seeing Deena and Nicole passed out in the same bed (and probably less blurry than they are currently appearing to us), she decides that she and Sammi could probably just spend some time out on their own. And away they go to commisserate over what they saw, and what they are able to unsee. To us, Jenni says she wishes she had the Men in Black zapper to undo the whole night "because I cannot physically, emotionally, economically, mentally accept the fact that Deena and Nicole just, like, hooked up like that."

An exterior shot reveals that the guys are eating at the pizzeria adjacent to the Hotel Cristallo (hotelcristalloriccione.it), in case you cared. "Didn't Deena say she was like, 'I've had my bi experience, and I'm done with it,' and all that?" "Snooks went at it, and Deena, Deena was so down." "It was like embarrassing to us while it was going down in the club. I'm on Jionni's side right now. I can see why he gives her attitude when she gets drunk." To us, Ron says - and he would know - that "cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating" no matter if it's with a dude or a girl. They crossed a line. They speculate on whether or not Jionni would be cool with this. "The way that (shit) went down - that (shit's) over." Mike tells us that if HE were with Nicole and she did that, it'd be over between THEM - I feel like Mike is outright lying here. Jionni is already so worried about what she might do behind his back anyway. "He's gonna leave her ass."

COMING UP: Snooki has something to tell Jionni! Jenni says if Jionni breaks it off, Snooki will go home for sure.

Here's the first Sammi/Deena Stacker 2 6 Hour Power ad - oh how I have missed it

Shopping montage! Jenni doesn't like snakes, but forgot to ask what the python boots were made of before trying them on. There's the largest hat in Italy again - I think she BROUGHT that, though, and didn't just buy another one. (I hope that's the case.) Ronnie tries out an outfit that would look pretty good if he were at the Castro and guy, but to my knowledge neither of those things is gonna happen, so he should probably put away the neon pants and mesh top. And finally...Snooki and Deena haven't moved from their previous - erm - position. Someone is definitely snoring, however.

Everybody's back at the hotel now and it's time to wake up the crazy lovers for real. Vinny says "it smells like hot sweat and regret in here." Deena doesn't feel good. Snooki tells us she woke up, her tits were out, Deena was spooning her and she was all "what the hell?" Deena finally staggers out. "Holy hell, you look like death!" "I need a food." Vinny: "What, you didn't eat enough last night?" Oh man, this is why Vinny remains on this show. He's the only one that's a dick in soundbites. High five! "I don't even know what that means." "Regrets - we got plenty of POP in the fridge!" HIGH FIVE AGAIN!

Deena and Snooki reconvene and try to figure out who remembers more of last night - it appears they both don't remember back too far. Someone remembers making out. "They're saying we, like, hooked up - but I don't think so." Deena tells us that "when you do sex, even when I'm blacked out I know I did sex." Maybe it's different for girls. Oh, if only there was some record of the events of last night which could be broadcast to these two! Jenni and Sammi reconstruct that repeated unveiling of the vajeen as well as the hours and hours of passionate kissing and Sam even does some pelvic thrusts of the bed, causing Snooki to exclaim "SaMANtha!" Deena, to us: "My - what's - what did I do last night?" Jenni displays "knees up" to explain another thing she saw last night - thankfully there was a cover over them - we hope. There was when Jenni did it at least. Nicole (now wearing $400 of Hello Kitty paraphenalia) says Jionni won't be mad.

Baggage is reapplied and we're driving back. But the girls' car is making some really weird noise and they smell "burning rubber" - I feel like the E-brake might still be on. Sure enough, they discover that the parking brake has not been disengaged and all is well as soon as they take care of that. I can't imagine how you could drive that far with the parking brake on - that's HARD to do. "My bad."

The remainder of the drive must be uneventful because we quick-cut back to the house and back up the stairs with the bags. Nicole IMMEDIATELY rushes to the phone to call Jionni. "Everybody quiet - I wanna hear this phone call." Vinny demands popcorn.

ON THE PHONE: SNOOKI'S BOYFRIEND JIONNI. "Are you done being mad at me?" "I'm not mad at you." "You were when I left." Turning to the trip, through the magic of editing - or perhaps not, who can say with this kid - Jionni asks "so, did you do anything bad?" "Well...I have something to tell you." Everyone else is in rapt anticipation! Jenni tells us if Jionni breaks up with her, she might as well help her pack, because she will leave for sure. Of course, this is the most suspense they can muster all night, so let's spread it out over two segments...

COMING UP: Nicole runs into a cop!

LATER: Stretchers for the cops!

Here's Snooki for Wonderful Pistachios - apparently she was part of the Wonderful Pistachios 400 last weekend, but I missed whatever she was doing.

Hey, here's an ad for Missoni at Target! Too bad they sold out the line in the first day and this is wasted ad money! (How do I know that?)

Hey, HERE'S an ad for "The X Factor (USA)!" I wonder if, now that Simon and Paula have reunited, will they ALSO reunite with Kim?

Snooki feels like Jionni might get mad, but all these pauses are probably going to freak him out even more. So she and Deena got really drunk and started doing stuff...like what? Making out..."it was pretty intense." There's...I don't know, is that breathing sounds on the phone? Maybe he's getting excited thinking about this - probably not. Jionni asks for confirmation that that's all that happened - yes - pause - pause - "all right." Well, that was certainly a letdown. Snooki gives a thumbs up to the room - smiles all around. Snooki gives us the play-by-play: finally, he was like (deep voice) "Okay." Awkward, but everything's fine. "All right, well, as long as you know you were good, and that's it. I don't know what else I can say." "I love you." "(pause) I love you too." "Bye." Click. "Ugh, I'm sweating."

Sammi wishes DVP a good night. Deena: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Vinny: "No, there's a girl and a guy in that room." ZING. So apparently Ronnie and Sam are in the same bed and we can't learn a THING about what's going on with them because of all this OTHER stuff. I hope they've had some epic, once every ten thousand years sex or else I can't even come up with a clue why they would once again be back together.

Lookit those speedy clouds over the moon! This must mean that time is passing!

Morning has broken and Mike and Deena are up - they and Snooki have the Monday morning shift at the pizzeria. Snooki is still trying to recover from "24 straight hours of drinking" and is no mood to work. Is Snooki EVER in a mood to work? Marco meets them all outside, as usual. Marco wants some smiles from the girls but Snooki is not a morning person. "It's a dog! No...it's your shoes." Snooki looks like The Berzerker. HUSS! Mike restocks the refrigerator while Snooki oscillates in front of an oscillating fan, and strums a decorative guitar attached to the wall. Snooki is SHOCKED that Mike is actually working hard because usually he slacks and talks to girls in front of the place, but she's a little impressed that he can carry a box of bottled water. Mike is happy to be working hard after his forced week off. He's also learning como si dice "job" - lavoro. "Nemo the master pizza maker!" Nemo shushes him. "Nemo no like me? I'm too pretty!"

Meanwhile, Deena and Nicole get the idea to hide from work - so they go find some refuse/recycle containers and attempt to hide IN them. Are you serious, bro? "He'll never find us now!" Except you're shouting loud enough for EVERYONE in the restaurant to know EXACTLY where you are. (Also, there are cameras pointing at you.) "I feel like there used to be garbage in here." "It doesn't smell like garbage." Somebody climbs the stairs and manages to find them.

The rest of the shift is uneventful, so let's skip ahead to...they're back at the house. Deena and Snooki decide to hit the gym and try to get back in a routine, so they take off in a Fiat. They immediately hit traffic. "I feel like Italy shouldn't even have cars, because first off nobody knows how to (fuckin') drive here." Snooki threatens to kill a taxi. Snooki proclaims Italy "New York times ten." Scooters everywhere. Lots of people making lane changes, lots of horn honking. Unfortunately, by the time Snooki actually HITS the cop, we only have the camera looking at THEM. Deena gets jostled pretty good since she doesn't have a seat belt on (idiot). He take a shot of the car. Time for one more break! 6 POLIZIA

Here's an ad for the VERY episode we're watching right now! Interestingly, and I say that sarcastically, everything in the ad is something that hasn't taken place with only one segment to go. I absolutely cannot stand MTV promos for "Jersey Shore" because everything in them is from Segment 7.

Quick reminder of everything we just saw in the previous segment - man, this show is so light on content (and yet here I am at 5700 words) - from THIS shot, it looks like she tried to miss them by going right into a giant curb, but they didn't fit between the curb and the police car and she didn't stop in time and...crunch. "(Fuck) my life." Snooki is asked for her license, insurance and registration, and now we learn that she didn't bring her license with her into the car. Are you serious? Snooki really doesn't want to go to jail (again). She can't call home because she knows she'll start crying so she dispatches Deena to ask the guys to bring her license. Where does Deena get a mobile phone, anyway? We know they're not allowed them. (Answer: from the producer shadowing them, I'm sure)

At the house, Vin takes the call - he needs to find a black purse and deliver the goods. Mike doesn't know the magnitude of the situation, but he knows they gotta get there quick. And away they go.

We see an ambulance arrive on the scene.

Meanwhile, the guys have hit the same traffic that girls were in earlier.

A cop is unloaded from the car, neck brace applied, onto a back board.

Still in traffic.

Nicole blows into a breathalyzer. Now she's being told to come with them in the back of the cop car. She starts crying. That...doesn't work.

They're BOTH loaded into the car.

Vinny says if Nicole is locked up, they might be kicked out of Italy. I don't know how he arrives at this conclusion, but it sounds nice and dramatic as a cliffhanger.

Nicole wants her life fucked again.

Mike's shirt is blurred out - does that mean it's Abercrombie & Fitch? - although the guys have arrived with the license, they are too late - the car with Deena and Nicole has already taken off.

Wow, NO music cues in the last three segments! Of course...who wants their song associated with such HEAVINESS, am I right?

NEXT TIME: Jionni DOES arrive! Snooki feels like they're gonna have all kinds of guido babies! Brittany FINALLY arrives at the house...but Mike is bringing home a DIFFERENT girl? How will he get out of THAT...situation? Nicole dances sexy in the club, gets blurred out, and Jionni blurs HIMSELF right out of her life! Jenni tells Nicole she's acting like a fucking asshole! Nicole feels she doesn't deserve this right now! PROSSIMO

Well....we're over the hump.

There's a second episode of "Jersey Shore: After Hours" but Amy Paffrath's outfit isn't nearly as interesting as the first one, so we'll skip it...even if they didn't bleep out "retarded" this time. My limit is 6200 words today, so SEE YA

If you enjoyed this, please tell a friend - or me. If you don't want to reply here, find me on Twitter or email me at CRZ.net!

(edited by CRZ on 16.9.11 1247)


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Since: 4.1.02
From: The Hague, Netherlands (Europe)

Since last post: 7 days
Last activity: 7 hours
#2 Posted on | Instant Rating: 7.82
Probably the most entertaining episode of the season.
Simply because there was no stupid drama, but just a bunch of people (well, two of them mostly) to mock for their idiocy
Can't believe they didn't get alcohol poisoning.
I do believe the producers have to pay off that 'club' they were dancing in in the earlier segments to let them misbehave like that.

Oh, and the preachy guy. That guy looked like such a cliche, he had to have been a plant.

When they were packing their stuff and leaving, Jwoww had her hair very different from the usual. they didn't really focus on it, but it looked good and made her look rather different.

And obviously Snooki is right. Italian traffic is insane.
Every European knows that. They cut in and out left and right






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